The Canon: Buffy Episode Rating-Palooza

An ongoing series of lists that provides the definitive order of things in the universe.

Of course I've watched every episode of Buffy, The Vampire Slayer (multiple times). Of course, I own every episode. And I frequently got in discussions with other fans over "which episode is best?" or "which season is best?" But I had never put any serious thought into it until a couple of years ago, at least from a statistical perspective. I was introducing some folks who had never seen the show to all seven seasons on DVD, and decided to start "grading" each episode as we went through the rewatch in order. I used a 10 point scale (with one decimal point), and then put the results into a spreadsheet, and some of the results shocked me when I looked at them in totality.

Top 10 Episodes of BTVS:
Okay, this isn't actually a "Top 10." Depending on how you look at it, it's actually a "Top 14" or "Top 7." Because of the numerical grades and the ranks, some are tied.

66: Hush	10.0	1
100: The Gift	10.0	1
107: Once More, With Feeling	10.0	1
94: The Body	9.7	4
108: Tabula Rasa	9.6	5
144: Chosen	9.5	6
25: Surprise (1)	9.4	7
26: Innocence (2)	9.4	7
29: Passion	9.4	7
34: Becoming, Part 2 (2)	9.4	7
71: This Year's Girl (1)	9.4	7
72: Who Are You? (2)	9.4	7
85: Fool For Love	9.4	7
92: Crush	9.4	7

The numbers to the left are the "episode numbers" in order of airing. The second number is the rating I gave them on the 10 point scale. The the last number on the right is the "rank" they were given in the statistical summary of episodes.

Episodes just missing the cut include: Becoming, Part 1, Something Blue, Two to Go and Conversations with Dead People. (all scored 9.3 in my book).

As you can see, the top three, and perfect scores of 10.0 are not really surprising. Most fans put these eps at the top as perfectly crafted hours of TV excellence.

By season, there are no eps from S1, 4 from S2, 0 from S3, 3 from S4, 4 from S5, 2 from S6 and 1 from S7. While seasons 2 and 3 are typically lauded as the most "critically acclaimed" I was astounded that I had no "top 10s" from S3 and a whopping 4 from S5. And while I'm a huge fan of Glorificus, I've always thought that The Mayor is my favorite season long "big bad," so it was interesting to see that no individual eps from that arc cracked my top individual episodes.

Bottom 10 Episodes of BTVS:
Actually, the numbers here worked out to be 10 exactly.

32: Go Fish	6.9	135
61: Beer Bad	6.9	135
17: Reptile Boy	6.8	137
4: Teacher's Pet	6.5	138
14: Some Assembly Required	6.5	138
16: Inca Mummy Girl	6.5	138
24: Bad Eggs	6.5	138
5: Never Kill a Boy on the First Date	6.0	142
74: Where the Wild Things Are	6.0	142
6: The Pack	5.9	144

Not surprising that 80% of the "bad" episodes were in the first two seasons, when the writing staff and actors were still trying to find their footing and the tone of the show. 3 from S1, 5 from S2, and 2 from S4. What was startling to me was that I didn't have any eps ranked in the bottom from seasons 6 and 7, when a lot of fans complained about the influence of Marti Noxon, the "magic is crack" heavy handed storylines or the generally dark tone of the show. (Though Doublemeat Palace, along with Witch, Gingerbread and Killed by Death, just missed the cut).

It should also be noted that I scored these according to the show compared against itself. I'd much rather watch Beer Bad on a continuous loop than one minute of The Bachelor or According to Jim.

Best Seasons of BTVS:
Next, I took all the individual episode rankings, totaled them, and divided by the number of eps in the season to get an average episode ranking for that season. Granted, this is a wee bit misleading, as it doesn't take into account the overall narrative flow of the season, and a few really poorly scored individual episodes can drag down the average for the whole season.

Season 3 Average	8.58
Season 7 Average	8.35
Season 6 Average	8.32
Season 4 Average	8.25
Season 5 Average	8.21
Season 2 Average	8.07
Season 1 Average	7.51

You can see that S2 scores poorly in this regard. Actually, S2 is a fantastic season and contains a lot of the mythology that will drive the show through its conclusion, but a number of "bad" episodes (see above -- 4 in the "bottom 10") bring down the average significantly. Also interesting, as I noted above regarding S3, is that even though none of the eps cracked the Top 7/14, this season consistently delivered the goods, episode after episode, for quality. I was also shocked by the showing of seasons 7, 6 and 4, since many fans though the show declined after the move to UPN in the last two years, and didn't like Riley Finn nor the "Initiative" storyline (I'm one of those rare fans who didn't hate "Captain America" and the government getting into the demon business).

When you start using this methodology, it definitely opens your eyes. Until I looked at the data, I would have said S2, S3 and S5 would have been ranked most highly.

So, there you have it. Obviously, your mileage may vary. Agree or disagree?

(And if you'd like to undertake this little exercise on your own and use my spreadsheets -- or just see the entirety of the rankings, e-mail me and I'll be glad to share).

Sometime over the next few months, I'll do the same thing for other cult shows (and personal favorites) like Battlestar Galactica, Angel and Star Trek: TNG.

Entertainment Nuggets

Thursday's My Name is Earl had to have more euphemisms for "balls" per minute than any other show in recent memory. (Little Chubbies, Gonad pouch, Humpty and Dumpty, Meat and potatoes among many others). And funny that the word "balls" wasn't uttered until the very end. Plus, what perfect casting! Norm MacDonald doing his "vintage Burt Reynolds" bit as Big Chubby's (Burt Reynolds) son? Awesome. It made me google some of his appearances on Celebrity Jeopardy for a few extra laughs. Words to live by from Little Chubby: "Don't trust a man who wants to put his finger in your butt."

30 Rock wasn't as laugh out loud funny as last week, but every time Liz uttered "Blurgh!" or "By the hammer of Thor!" I cracked up.

More insight on the Deadwood movies (damn, you HBO for not renewing this amazing show) here.

Infielder on milk carton

With all the good news and bright spots surrounding this year's edition of the Atlanta Braves (Hudson looks great! Bullpen is a strength! McCann and Frenchy hitting! Different heroes every night! Best record in baseball!), there's one truly bizarre story emerging.

Infielder Willy Aybar is nowhere to be found. Aybar, who was obtained in the deal for Wilson Betetmit last year (and I hated to see Betemit go, though he's hitting less than .100 right now), was to be the back up for Chipper when he invariably suffers a foot injury at some point during the year.

He had the typical "visa problems" getting to spring training, and suffered a hand injury that put him on the shelf for a while. Then, he failed to show up for treatment for the injury and has not been seen nor heard from since. Huh? Is he on an island getting a new nickname from Sawyer? What is this? How does a player on a major league roster just vanish? I haven't read anything about contract squabbles or pulling a Derek Bell (the hilarious "Operation Shutdown"). Where the hell is he?

Possible reasons for Willy Aybar's disappearance:

• Bob Wickman threatened to take his per-diem meal money every day.
• With Scott Thorman and Pete Orr on the roster, there are too many Canadians around. And from watching South Park, you know they can't be trusted.
• Was last seen partying with Ron Mexico.
• Got map to stadium from Pascual Perez.
• Man-crush on Jeff Francouer was unrequited.
• Thought Oceanic 815 was team charter.
• Disappointed that Chipper doesn't resemble Heather Mills yet.
• He's been playing with the Atlanta Hawks, and no one noticed.
• Irrational fear of John Schuerholz's suspenders.

Making it rain: Lost, House, Idol and More!

Whereby we throw up a bunch of $1 entertainment nuggets onto the stage and see which STDs take them home.

House
Tuesday's House was one of the more interesting and humorous in a long time. The case itself was mildly interesting, but mostly this hour was about the complicated relationships going on within the walls of Princeton Plainsboro: Chase and Cameron, House and Wilson, Wilson and Cuddy, House and Cuddy, Cameron and a horny 8 year old. Jam packed with funny lines, like:

"You did not just play the 'dead husband' card..."

"It shouldn't be so hard."

"Just be straight with her."
"I have no idea how to do that."

"SERIOUSLY?" (That whole oft-repeated bit was hysterical)

"Do you have hair on your special place?"

"Delegating? That's smart."
"We're not his subordinates!"
"All the more impressive."

"How was the play, Mrs Lincoln?"

"Panty hamster"

"Okay, then why did you take her to a play?"
"She's a friend."
"Friend with a squish mitten."

Idol
The long national nightmare of Sanjaya is over, y'all. After drawing and quartering Bonnie Raitt on Tuesday, even the "Vote For The Worst" faction couldn't keep this charade going. (Although, I must admit that I wasn't completely heartless, and felt a little sad watching him lose it after getting the boot). From here on out, I'm fine with what happens, though I certainly hope Lakisha (she has a kid!) and Chris (Nasally is a style!) are the next to get a ciggie and blindfold. And I'm glad they took the time to explain the "Simon rolls his eyes" controversy. As he said, Simon may be a total ass, but he's certainly not going to mock the victims of a national tragedy. If you were a true cynic, you could have thought Chris calculatingly invoked the victims as a canny plea for votes, and that's what Simon was rolling his eyes over (yes, I thought that. But then again, I hoped the backlash over this would save us from more nasal boy band song stylings, too). Better to just let the whole thing drop, and keep our pop-culture froth free of meaning and import. Oh wait. Next week, we have to suffer through "Idol gives back" where the contestants sing "songs of hope" (I won't hold my breath for anything like "Highway to Hell" or "Have a Drink on Me") and endless goop that will probably better suited to a Jerry Lewis telethon. My fast-forward finger is already limbering up.

Lost
Last night's Desmond-centric episode of Lost was yet another solid installment of a rejuvenated franchise. While not totally mind-blowing as the past few eps, I always welcome learning more about Desmond, and his doomed, Odysseus-like journey away from his beautiful true love Penny. I could care less about Kate's feelings for Jack, but I do appreciate Sawyer's "hey, I'm gonna get laid" take on the quadrangle. And as usual, he gets all the best lines:

"Do I need to make you a mix tape?"

"You two arguing over who's your favorite Other?"

"We don't play every 108 minutes, the island's gonna explode."

Hurley and Charlie's bit about the race between Flash and Superman (a race for charity? Hee. Maybe they could get Ryan Seacrest to host, and give back) does deserve some props, too.

Miscellaneous
Great article on the under appreciated How I Met Your Mother, here. I cannot fathom why this show doesn't draw more viewers. It's smart, funny, well-written, well-acted. Of course, we also live in a TV world where Lost is losing viewers, and shows like Drive, Andy Barker PI, Raines and Veronica Mars struggle to find an audience. Yet the search for the next Pussycat Whore is considered a "hit." The mind boggles.

Speaking of Andy Barker, here's a good "eulogy" for the best sitcom since Arrested Development.

And speaking of the talented "singers" and female role models (cough, cough) peddling their wares on the CW, here's a fantastic article on their cultural significance. Excellent analysis and prose, and any article that coins the phrase "Generation Whoring Sea Donkey" is worth a careful read. (Note: it's in Salon, which means it's subscriber-only, or you'll have to watch a brief ad. So turn off your adblock for this. It's worth it).

American Idol: It's Country Night Y'all!

Idol began country night in subdued fashion, mentioning the horrific tragedy at Virginia Tech. Later, a clearly shaken up Simon Cowell also mentions the senseless incident on behalf of the judges. It's always odd when real life intersects with such a fluffy show, and disturbing that such comparatively trivial topics like Sanjaya and Don Imus take up more of the nation's consciousness. But, we're here to discuss the fluff that is Idol, so on with the show.

First, it dawns on me that we're going to be deprived of Haley's legs for this hour, and a sadness sets in. Then, it dawns on me that we're going to be deprived of Haley's singing for this hour, and the sadness starts to vanish. Besides, Pac-Man Jones is probably "making it rain" for her somewhere, so we can't feel that bad.

We get to meet the grace and talent that is Martina McBride. Say what you will about Idol, but this year they've done a wonderful job selecting guest mentors. Not only is Martina an indisputable country superstar with one of the best voices of her generation, she's sweet as pie and ultimately offers very sound, very constructive advice. Plus? She's gorgeous. She has absolutely the most beautiful eyes. Her overall advice to the gang of 7 goes to the heart of country music: tell the story. More than any music form, country music is almost always about telling the story and selling it with conviction. Some of our contestants will fare better than others with this advice.

Phil bats lead off, performing "Where the Blacktop Ends," by Keith Urban. I haven't heard this song before, but I wonder if it's something he's written recently, that might touch on attending AA meetings and complaining that his wife's face doesn't move anymore. Or having to explain to his stepkids why their daddy believes in evil aliens named Xenu and likes to jump on Oprah's couch. Sadly, it addresses none of these subjects. Martina tells Phil he can be "stiff" to begin with, but hits the power notes at the end. Good observation, Martina. And here we go again. Phil does (for me) a great job with the song, injecting personality and life into it (hard to do when you closely resemble a ghoul) and I'm duly impressed. But then again, the last few weeks I've been rooting Phil on because (IMO) he's delivered great vocals and been slammed by the judges and voters. But everyone finally agrees with me, and Phil gets some love.

Jordin is up next, and makes the bold move to sing one of Martina's songs, "Broken Wing." Martina tells her to plant herself, be "still" and deliver the emotion of the song. Jordin follows that advice and knocks one out of the park. A beautiful, controlled performance that slowly builds and even moves Simon to say that she could win the whole thing. Is there any genre that Jordin can't do? Great, great moment for her.

Next, our national nightmare, Sanjaya, performs "Something to Talk About." After a couple of weeks of elevating his game out of horrific to passably mediocre, Sanjaya hits a new low, even for him. Martina told him to sing stronger and project, but Sanjaya will have none of it. He whispers and gasps his way through the song, and his "charms" as they are, fall flat. With a huge thud. This could quite possibly be the worst top 12 performance ever.

Lakisha is up to sing Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel." Hey, y'all, did you know that Lakisha is a single mom with a kid? Ever heard that? Really? I am so sick of listening to this drivel and obvious plea for sympathy it predisposes me to dislike what she's going to belt out. Fortunately, I don't have to let my dislike for her reproductive obsessions cloud my judgment, as she screams and butchers the song. And just a thought: if you really did let go of the wheel and let Jesus take it, odds are you'd wind up like Dale Earnhardt Senior. Just sayin'.

Chris does Rascal Flatts "Mayberry," and on one hand, it's a good choice because Rascal Flatts' lead singer in unbelievably nasal and whiny. But Chris brings the septum sound to a new low (high?). Again, here's one where I seem to find myself on an island, like with Phil, and disagree with popular sentiment. I can't stand Chris. For this, he sounds like Disney's "High School Musical" in Hazzard County. Awful. To make matters worse, he sasses Simon telling him that "nasal is a form of singing." Ugh. He gives a shout out to Virginia Tech, which on the surface seems like an inappropriate cry for sympathy, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt since he's from the area. But his singing? No benefit of the doubt there. He's terrible.

Melinda is up next, doing a song I've never heard called "Trouble is a Woman." Based on the title alone, I think I'm going to like this. Not much to say here, other than Melinda does her usual spectacular job. She was fun, connected to the song, hit all the notes (like usual) and even looked good. Whatever she did with her hair effectively disguised her lack of neck. (every week, I always think about the crowd participation from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, where the audience shouts "Where's your fucking neck?") Simon chides her about the whole "false modesty" bit, but that's quibbling when she can consistently deliver such skillful vocals.

Closing out the show is Blake, going with "When the Stars Go Blue." Thankfully, there is NO FUCKING BEATBOXING IN COUNTRY MUSIC. Blake can still appear distant and emotionally disconnected from the material, but for a genre completely out of his wheelhouse, he puts forth a sincere and controlled vocal, and effectively uses his falsetto where the song calls for it. Very, very solid performance.

The Idols obviously did more with country than they did with Santana/Estefan (er, "Latin" night), though both nights featured sweet, charming, helpful (and smoking hot) mentors.

TNRLMs Top 3: Phil, Jordin, Melinda
TNRLMs Bottom 3: Sanjaya, Lakisha, Chris

I know there's a whole "cult of bad" surrounding Sanjaya, so it wouldn't be surprising to see him skate yet again, even after delivering one of the most horrific performances ever. Still, it won't terribly upset me if Lakisha (and her kid) or Chris pack their bags.

Recent Discoveries

Recent discoveries that have made life a little better (or, more accurately, less desperately pathetic and pointless):

Google Reader
While I'm typically the first kid on the block to get a new toy or experiment with some new technology, I've always shied away from an RSS reader. Why? I'm not sure. It's certainly not that complicated. Maybe I just thought I would prefer the pure surfing pleasure of wandering aimlessly around the interwebs, clicking whatever caught my eye. But as I got more into this here blogging thing and found myself visiting the same group of sites with alarming frequency, I checked 'em out. Since I seem to have made a pretty big bed with Google, I used their reader and found myself quickly addicted to its ease of use and convenience. In case you've avoided them like me for some reason, if you do any regular surfing, you owe it to yourself to check it out. Basically, all the sites you read feed a constant stream of new items into the reader, which resembles Outlook. Scroll through the stories, skim the content, click on the site. And you can do it from anywhere you have a connection, on any pc, without having to move all your bookmarks (though Firefox has an add-on for that, too). The only downside is that I'm OCD about clearing the list, and when I see "56 new items" I feel compelled to read them all.

Friday's Fried Green Beans
Look, my hatred for vegetables is well-known. The only one I embrace, and eat with any regularity, is the green bean. But even I scoffed at the idea of fried green beans. But I recently tried these things, and dammit, if they weren't good. Whoda thunk it? Of course, all I need is a craving for yet another fried food. (Note: The fried mac and cheese also rocks).

Sports Clips
When it comes to getting a haircut, I eschew the nancy-boy trappings of a hoity-toity "salon" where it costs $50 just to get my hair trimmed once a month (I shouldn't get too far up on that Robert Mitchum high horse, though. I do get manicures). Hell, I remember paying $3 for a haircut at the Normaltown barbershop in college (and seeing a bounced check -- for three fucking dollars -- from a frat brother mounted on the wall). And I'm probably 10 years and a few gallons of whiskey from ordering a Flowbee just to cut down on the aggravation of making that trek to the haircuttery once a month. So I've always frequented the closest the strip mall Great Clips, and remembered to bring my own SI or EW so I don't get caught reading Marie Claire or some shit for the 20 minutes it takes to get the job done. After all, my hair is pretty frakkin' simple (unlike the zippered, feathered beauty you see in the car pix from my previous post. Ye gods). So I get this coupon in the mail, and discover that there's a new "Sports Clips" just opening a couple of miles from there. It's one of those ideas that is stunning in its brilliance: an inexpensive place where a guy can go get a haircut, and have sports on the TV. No music that would make Tony Dungy or Isaiah Washington cringe. No shuffling through piles of "Wedding Monthly" magazines to find something palatable to read. Decor is simple, like a locker room, and local team banners all around, and a TV playing sports at every station. How fucking great is that? Good coupons, quick service, and you can even add a shampoo, shoulder massage (with a little device -- no "happy endings" from chicks with questionable citizenship papers) or hot steamed towel for next to nothing. Plus, come in anytime and for free they'll trim the neckline so you don't wind up doing it yourself using two mirrors and looking like you had a nasty make out session with an angry wolverine.

Good stuff.

If I was Fred Silverman, Dammit!

That's an "old school" TV reference that A. totally shows my age, and B. illustrates that I was a TV junkie when I probably should have been learning socialization skills with other kids.

Anyway, I do a lot of praising and bitching about the tube on this here blog, and it got me to thinking. What if I actually was the head of a network, and could program it exactly like I wanted to? What would it look like, night to night? In a way, with the Most Miraculous Thing Ever, Tivo, and the interwebs, you actually can be your own programmer and watch things when you want to watch them. However, just to satisfy my own curiosity, I went through that exercise, and it was much harder than I thought.

I gave myself a few rules to conform to reality:

• I could only pick shows that are currently produced first run.
• I couldn't pick shows that have already been officially cancelled (like Andy Barker, PI, the best comedy in ages), but I could pick shows that I know are going to end soon (The Sopranos) or are tracking poorly/on the renewal bubble (Drive, Veronica Mars, Raines).
• Monday through Friday, I could only program 3 hours, 8 - 11 EST.
• Saturday and Sunday, I could program 4 hours, 7 - 11 EST.
• I cheated once, not giving American Idol a "results" show, as that's just 29 - 59 minutes worth of crap filler and I'll just pretend that we can get away with showing the "loser"/"winner" either in the first minute of the following week's show, or on the youtubes.
• I didn't account for sporting shows (playoffs, Monday Night Football) because well, that would just be too damned hard.
• Because some shows have a shorter run, or are seasonal in nature, I gave myself a "bullpen" of shows that rotate in and out as needed.

That said, here's the lineup for ShanTV:

Monday
Drive
24
Lost

Serialized, adrenalized, mysterious action shows with almost impenetrable plots and improbable thrills.

Tuesday
American Idol
How I Met Your Mother
My Name is Earl
30 Rock
Entourage

Fun night, starting off with the watercooler fueler that is Idol, followed by a two hour block of comedy.

Wednesday
Veronica Mars
House
Raines

Mysteries built around enigmatic, central characters.

Thursday
Bones
CSI
Criminal Minds

Gory, dark and entertaining procedurals, with great ensemble casts.

Friday
Shark
Rescue Me
Nip/Tuck

Darkly entertaining dramas, with deft bits of comedy and lots of voracious (and appreciated) scenery chewing.

Saturday
Psych
Big Love
The Sopranos
Dexter

Starts off with quirky, appealing humor before transitioning into violent, thoughtful drama, all cemented around a theme of "family."

Sunday
Doctor Who
Eureka
Heroes
Battlestar Galactica

Sci-Fi night, baby. Perfect capper to a great week. Live long and prosper.

Bullpen/Rotation Series
The Closer
Law and Order, Criminal Intent
Monk
The 4400
Dresden Files
Weeds

They raided my garage!

Another outstanding episode of Drive last night. I'll be on pins and needles this morning, awaiting the ratings reports to see if this addicting new show will actually get to complete the 13 episode run. (Alarming news -- they haven't actually shot all 13 eps yet -- so if Minear and company get the usual FOX axe, we might not see how the season plays out, even on the web or on DVD).

But enough bad thoughts.

With the exception of the soldier's annoying wife, I'm really getting into each of the characters, even ones I thought I would be bored with like dying dad and his sassy Lohan-wannabe daughter. But last night's big revelation was that Alex Tully, landscaper from Nebraska, isn't quite was what we thought he was. "You don't want to meet the real Alex Tully." (any other Browncoats immediately think of "War Stories?" Yep, I know you did). The "cop" interrogating Tully was played by Micheal Bowen, recently seen as Pickett on Lost, so he should know something about mysterious organizations and shady motives.

(I'm staying spoiler-free for this show, so my guess about the cop - and others "helping" our wacky racers? They are members of a syndicate that is wagering significant money on various contest entrants, and can perform acts of "aid" to their chosen driver).

Even better was the appearance of Tully's "first love," a badass 1972 Dodge Challenger. When I saw that, I immediately texted my long-time friend Chip, as Alex Tully and I have something in common that he would remember. See, my "first love" was also a badass 1972 Dodge Challenger! (mine was hemi-red, not black, and did not have a secret compartment with a hunting knife, though). I was perusing the Drive boards over on TWOP, and in one of the threads about the cars themselves, people were falling in love with the Challenger, and also asking about how it compares to some of the other vehicles, particularly the Trans-Am. What a coinky-dink! I also had a Trans-Am! If you're interested in seeing my thoughts on this, check here.

Actually, I've driven several of the cars we've seen thus far. I've had a Taurus (dying dad) several times as rental car, and yes, they do rattle like hell anytime you approach 80. But I have given it the "rental car fun" test, and it holds up pretty well hitting speed bumps at full speed and when you pull up the emergency brake going 30 or 40 in a parking lot. Shamefully, I've also driven a Dodge minivan (under duress, mind you), and don't hold out hope that this is the vehicle to beat on the open road. (Although I would feel much more comfortable in Crazy Wendy's minivan than the one I was in, as I don't think Wendy has been like Janice Soprano under the boardwalk times 100, and wouldn't have to wear a hazmat suit riding along).

For a stroll down memory lane, here are a few pics I dug out of the family archives of the classic cars in question (ignore the skinny guy with the bad 80s hair):




If Drive breaks out a VW Jetta or BMW X-5, I might have go personally petition FOX to keep this show on the air, or at least demand some compensation as an "automotive consultant."

Rev it up, and the wheels fall off. Plus, I'd be a great partner.

First, the good news. Last night's Drive kicked all sorts of ass content and quality wise, as I expected it would. Mystery, intrigue, action, seamless CGI combined with great driving stunts, interesting characters, compelling performances, tight scripting. Now the bad news. The ratings were awful. Despite being well-reviewed and FOX actually doing effective promotion for once, it drew only a 3.7/6. We'll see how it does on its regular tonight paired with 24, but to stick around, I would think it would have to come close to the number Prison Break was putting up. (Why didn't they launch this after Idol?)

Ah well. That's the bitter fruit that comes with falling in love with a Tim Minear show. (Really, he should try HBO, Showtime or maybe FX next time out). Speaking of Minear, there were lots of connections to the Whedonverse last night, aside from our erstwhile Captain Mal:

The detective in the beginning was Richard Brooks (Jubal Early from Firefly).
The waitress was Beth Grant (Phantom Dennis' mom on Angel, and she also had a guest shot on Wonderfalls).
The mom's "fake husband" was Patrick Fischler, who was the conspiracy theorist shop owner on "The Magic Bullet" ep of Angel.
Tully's wife was Amy Acker, Fred from Angel. The voice of Tully's sister was Katie Finneran, chain-smoking her way through both The Inside and Wonderfalls.

And though he doesn't have a Whedonverse connection, it was also nice to see Paul Ben-Victor as the seemingly helpful trucker. Most recently, he's played the studio head with a grudge against Vince on Entourage, Allen Grey. And was that Shirley Feeney with minivan mom's kid?

Other random thoughts:
Remix of "Roadhouse Blues?" Good. Remix of the greatest driving song of all time, "Radar Love?" Not so much.

Good Lines:
“How do you cheat in a game that has no rules?”
“I don’t know. I missed the orientation.”

"I think maybe I should have shot you."

"Mr. Tully, the PowerPoint is put away..."

So, I'm looking forward to tonight, and keeping my fingers crossed for better ratings.

Why I should (or should not) compete in Drive:

Except for the getting killed and/or blackmailed part, I think I would be (mostly) awesome at this game. Though what could they do, kidnap my cats?

Plus:

• I have a fast, reliable, versatile vehicle that would work both on road and off.
• Blackberries are better for sorting out clues than regular cell phones.
• I'm an excellent driver, the faster the better.
• I'm great at puzzles and word games.
• I hate to lose.
• I have no qualms about killing people I find annoying.
• I'm timely, and wouldn't have missed the PowerPoint presentation.

Minus:

• I have absolutely no sense of geography or direction, and get lost frequently.
• I rarely panic and always keep my head in a crisis. Except when I get lost, which makes me completely freak the fuck out.
• I have a tiny bladder, and have to pull over to pee a lot. And I'm not doing a "crazy astronaut lady diaper."
• Did I mention the sense of direction? Because I'm sensing that's important here.

So solo, I think I'd still be in the hotel parking lot, getting shot or hit with a shovel. But if I had a partner that can read a map and has a good sense of direction (and preferably looks like Kristin Lehman), I could win this thing. And get my cats back.

Looking in Boxes

Baseball box scores are one of those truly "old school" delights in a world with scores, video highlights and other technological advancements at your fingertips. There's a certain traditional charm about baseball, that almost always ties back to father and son memories. I recall Sam teaching me how to read and understand box scores (along with baseball itself, as well as "scoring" the game). All sports have some sort of agate type recap, but there's a beauty and simplicity to the baseball box scores that tell a story in a linear fashion.

I almost always read baseball box scores in the paper, and like everything else I do, there's a "process" I go through every day. Because I'm sure that you're fascinated with these little OCD slices of life, I thought I'd share. (Note: I don't play fantasy baseball anymore, in which case the list would be completely different).

1. Braves Box Score
Obviously, I'm a homer and want to see how my favorite team did. Always read these first.

2. Braves Competitors Box Score
Next you move to the teams that are in direct competition with your favorite team. How did the teams in the division do? Phillies, Mets, Marlins (I won't even include the Nationals, as I don't think they qualify as a major league team this year). Also, you check out the team that's up next on the Braves schedule, to see who is hot and who is not coming into the series against your team.

3. Former Braves
I always check to see how former Braves (that I like) are doing. Laroche. Giles. DeRosa. Furcal. Betemit. Franco. Glavine.

4. Prediction Players
Then I check on how my predictions for various MLB honors are doing.

5. Players I Hate
I look in the box scores to check out the games and stats of players I simply loathe, with the fervent hope that it includes a "golden sombrero," HBP, E, GDP, CS or plummeting average (or rising ERA). Box scores don't indicate torn ACLs, but one can hope. These types of players include Barry Bonds, Kenny Lofton, Gary Sheffield, Dan Kolb, among others.

6. Players of Note
Then, time depending, I check out high profile players: popular, big salaries, new location, coming back from injury, etc. Ichiro. Nomar. A-Rod. Pujols. Mauer. Soriano. Zito. Gagne. Matthews Jr. Griffey Jr.

More Whodat?

Friday's Raines (good yet again) had some familiar names. First, it was directed by Starsky! Also, the drunk judge, who killed his wife and put a hit on the Russian hooker whom he brought into a threesome (and eventually wound up getting the wife off drugs and becoming lesbian BFF), before eventually serving justice by jumping out the courthouse bathroom window and setting off car alarms, was Mark Harelik. A frequent guest star, Harelik was great in genre shows like Angel (obsessed count in "Waiting in the Wings") and ST: Voyager (inspector who got Janeway dewy in a series of double crosses).

I was all set to watch the final (damn you, NBC) eps of Andy Barker, PI last night, only to find out that adding insult to injury, my local station was pre-empting them for some local crap about community awards. Great. Fortunately, the remaining 2 eps of this classic and hysterical comedy are available online at NBC.com. (you owe it to yourself to got watch them, if you haven't take my sage advice and done it already). In "The Big No Sleep," we had another Batmanuel sighting (Nestor Carbonell, who has been popping up on our favorite island show lately as Dr. Halpert). He played the doctor running scams with vapid trophy wives. His "confession" scene at the airport is worth the price of admission.

In the last eppy, "The Lady Varnishes," Ed Asner was Lew's old partner, James Hong (recently seen on Bones, as noted on this blog) and Amy Sedaris was the wrongly convicted femme fatale, with the overactive sex drive and wooden leg.

Whodat?

Thursday's Shark had a few familiar faces.

The defense attorney was Mark Feuerstein, (a bane to spellcheckers) most notably from the short-lived House wannabe 3 lbs (and also from Good Morning Miami).

The initial defendant, an all around nice guy who tried to save sad young girls from a life of porn, was played against type by the usually psychotically creepy Leland Orser. You probably know him from one of his psychotically creepy turns, such as in Alien Resurrection, Se7en or The Bone Collector. (And in real life, he's married to Barb Henrickson!)

Finally, the murderous porn skank's mom was played by Patty the Daytime Hooker (My Name is Earl).

Prejudice is okay. As long as it's only about skin color. Or gender.

Intolerant douchebag Tony Dungy has stepped in the hypocritical bullshit once again. When he and other black NFL coaches were asked to comment about the Don Imus situation, Dungy condemned the "racist" and "sexist" remarks made by the talk show host, calling them "inappropriate" and "not acceptable." He also added " . . . We need to move toward a more civil society built on respect, not degradation, built on thoughtfulness, not carelessness. We can do it if we put our minds to it."

This, coming from a man who campaigns for and is associated with a group that is actively prejudiced against (and seeks to limit the civil rights of) a segment of our population. Of course, this is okay because the group he discriminates against is gay, and not black or female, and because his mythological creator "tells" him that this demographic is immoral and therefore deserving of derision, scorn and oppression. (Odd, that I didn't see Dungy preaching "respect" and "thoughtfulness" when Isaiah Washington and Ann Coulter were mouthing off about "faggots." I guess Rutgers women basketball players enjoy "favored nation" status with his lord more than T.R. Knight).

Last year, I had a great deal of respect for the man. He got a raw deal in Tampa only to resurface with the Colts, and handled the questions about his inability to win the big game with either team with grace and class. Then, as his team was challenging the Dolphins record as an undefeated team, he suffered a horrible loss with his son's suicide and comported himself in the public eye with dignity and quiet character. He (and Lovie Smith) also addressed the issues surrounding minority coaches with sensitivity and reason at this year's Super Bowl. However, when he immediately started blathering on at the presentation of the Lombardi trophy about how it was god, and not Rex Grossman's ineptitude nor Peyton Manning's execution, that won the game, I started to lose respect for him (although some in Knoxville might argue that Peyton and the almighty are one in the same. At least I can verify that one exists, because I've seen Mastercard commercials). Now, he's denigrated an entire group of human beings and visibly and actively worked to restrict their basic freedoms, while hypocritically lambasting a shock jock who thoughtlessly maligned a different group (of course it should be noted that while Imus's comments were deplorable and insensitive, he didn't show up as a featured speaker to raise money to keep blacks, women or basketball players from getting married). I guess when the lord gives you a Super Bowl ring, you're entitled to bigotry without reproach.

TV Theme Song

A fun quiz to test your knowledge of "classic" TV theme songs. Not necessarily the ones you know by heart and sing at the top of your lungs when you're drunk and no one is around and you're trying to teach your cat how to smoke, but ones that should be recognizable. Naturally, I scored 100%. How'd you do?

Friday Free For All

Random thoughts with absolutely no connective tissue.

Imus gets canned by both MSNBC and CBS Radio. By now, everyone has heard of this and rehashed it a million times. I could go on and on, but it probably wouldn't add anything new to the debate. The salient points for me:

• It irks me to no end that people characterize this a "free speech"/First Amendment debate. It's not. The government is not censoring or firing Imus. Private corporations are. It's all pretty simple. If Imus and his crew wanted to get in a public square and insult the Rutgers women's hoops team, and the police shut him down, that's one thing, and related to the Bill of Rights. If the company that pays your checks thinks your behavior is inappropriate, not funny, not entertaining or even tiresome, that's another. Imus was fired because his comments offended fellow associates withing the two monolithic corporations, because association with him tarnished their public image, and most importantly, because advertisers were withdrawing funds.
• Al Sharpton has no credibility and is the height of hypocrisy to get on a pulpit about race-baiting.
• The uproar has as much to do with the targets as it does the words themselves. If instead of comment about the players -- relative "innocents" in the grand scheme who did nothing to engender the invective -- Imus has focused his epithets on the cast of "Flavor of Love," I think he'd still have one job, if not two.
• "Should" he have been fired? It's a moot point. It's not like his schtick was new to anyone, and this has been going on for years. Unpopular and offensive opinions are not "illegal." But companies have the right to fire people who aren't making money for them.
• As usual, Jason Whitlock has a cogent take on matters of race and sports.
  

Speaking of race-baiting, wonder if Jesse Jackson is going to hold a big press conference at Duke and apologize? Say what you will about Imus, at least he recognized the impact of his words and made attempts to apologize to those he offended. I'm sure the good reverend (as well as Sharpton) won't have a thing to say the true "victims" in the Duke Lacrosse case, those maliciously and fallaciously accused. Moral here? Never, ever believe a stripper.

On this week's Idol results show, JLo performed her new Spanish language song, and surprisingly, she showed a good voice and I really enjoyed it. I also enjoyed Michael Buble's performance last week, though the lyrics were just as intelligible as La Lopez's new tune. And I don't speak Spanish.

Just a reminder: watch Drive on Sunday, with a new episode on its regular night the following Monday. Nathan Fillion, Tim Minear. It has to be good. And of course, quickly cancelled by Fox. Good "preview/review" from Maureen Ryan here.

Speaking of Fillion, I finally watched Slither last weekend, and enjoyed the hell out of it. A great homage to the sci-fi/horror silliness of the 50s, complete with thrills, chills, icks and laughs. Fillion is solid as always, but Gregg Henry as the mayor completely steals the show. Any movie with the line "If I wasn't shittin' my pants right now, I'd be fuckin' fascinated." is worth a rental. B+

How to tell if you're a geek. As for me? Yes. Not in drinks, but I know what it is. And went to it in Vegas. Nope. Nope, I hate Ewoks. Yes. Nope. Nope. Yep, I knew all the acronyms off the top of my head.

Not only is Rosario Dawson in Kevin Smith and Tarantino movies. Not only is she hot. Not only is she a comic book fan. But she's a Trekkie. God love her.

It's baseball season. That's enough reason to enjoy Earl Weaver losing his shit. "You're here for one goddamn specific reason: to fuck up!" Good Stuff.

I'll be her Romeo any day

Of course, that means we'd wind up dead. Which in my experience, would seem to be par for the course of love.

Last night, Lost delivered another in a stunning series of exceptional episodes. (In fact, it was so good, I didn't even notice the absence of Locke). I was going to draft a long, analytical post filled with praise, observations and insight, but wound up writing about pigs all day (long story. And strangely, it's not about last year). However, a few things that really rocked the house in "One of Us:"

• Sayid's questioning of Juliet.
• Sawyer and Sayid playing "bad cop" and getting morally bitch-slapped by Juliet.
• Anytime, any episode, where Ben is on the screen.
• Chugging the spiked OJ of mysterious travel.
• Herarat Aviation. Could be "Her A Rat." Could be an anagram of "Earhart," as in Amelia (got "lost" in a plane, ya know? And remember those two skeletons in the cave way back when?). The whole company name could be an anagram for "a variation earth."
• More good work from Batmanuel.
• "Well, if it ain't three men and a baby. I counted Hugo twice."
• Mikhail's creepy info center, and the heartbreaking reaction of Juliet to the video of her sister and child.
• Curing cancer but preventing childbirth? Give me the fucking OJ, I'm moving there NOW.
• The twist at the end, with Juliet and Ben planning this all along. Question is, how much does Jack know? Has he figured this out? Or duped by a hot chick again? (I feel, Jack).
  
• And what's gonna happen in one week, island time?

Great, great stuff. I was also going to gush about my burgeoning love affair with Juliet (and Elizabeth Mitchell's delicious performance), but I noticed someone already did it much better than I. Check out TV Guide's Matt Roush, complete with Shakespearean reference.

"Other"-worldly indeed.

I've seen more authentic Latin at Taco Bell

Jennifer Lopez was the special guest "vocal coach" on last night's Latin-themed American Idol. JLo is a talented performer, occasionally appealing actress (Out of Sight being the high point) but I don't know that I would necessarily call her one of the premier "vocalists" in the industry today. And it's interesting that several of the Idol wannabes didn't ask her as much about the singing as they did about how to dance or move. But JLo has a Spanish language album to pimp, and she certainly appeared game to be on the show, even if the "theme" didn't offer us much to enjoy from the performances. (And I will say this - much like Gwen Stefani, JLo looked great, genuinely appeared to care about the kids singing and there wasn't a trace of the "diva" behavior that's plagued her public persona for some time).

Melinda started us off with "Sway" and once again, hit all the notes and delivered a technically sold vocal. However, JLo hit the nail on the head during the coaching, and Melinda didn't infuse the song with passion or sultriness. Not one of Melinda's better performances.

Lakisha did "Conga" like it was a wedding reception with too many drunken guests, and tried to inject a little soul into a kooky novelty song. Decent enough vocal, but not spectacular. Two of the "big voices" down, and I'm underwhelmed.

Next up is Chris, who is taking on Santana's "Smooth" which featured Rob Thomas on vocals. I actually love this song, and if anything, it certainly makes me appreciate the vocal prowess of Thomas all the more after hearing Chris murder this with nasally, whiny vocals. Inexplicably, Randy and Paula love it. I still think almost everything he sings sounds like a bad, bad version of Justin Timberlake combined with a cat thrown into a blender and fused in a sound mixing board. Not good.

Gentlemen, now appearing on the main stage, put your hands together for Haley! If that sounds like what you'd hear in a strip club waiting for the next uneducated whore to peddle her wares for the sweaty masses, then you're in the right place. Haley comes out in shorts that might fit on a Barbie, and karaokes her way through "Turn the Beat Around," tangentially connected to latin music because Gloria Estefan covered it for a bad Stallone movie. Look, I like the song (I'm a sap for disco) and don't get me wrong, Haley looks hotter than ever. But she clearly realizes she's way out of her league vocally on this show and is doing all she can to troll for votes with horny teenage boys. She looks fantastic in her fuck me heels and red lipstick, but can't keep up with the song and only hits a few decent notes. Unless next week's theme is "titty bar music from Motley Crue," then her days have to be numbered.

Phil rises from his crypt to perform Santana's "Maria Maria" and despite a late "crack" in his voice, delivers a very, very solid vocal. I think I'm out on an island here when it comes to Phil. I enjoyed his "Sinatra-lite" stylings last week, and am impressed with his singing again this week. The judges and other pundits don't seem to "get" Phil's vocals, while I think he shows range and does a fine job. I can't explain it, but he's the best of the night so far for me.

Jordin breaks out another Estefan song, "The Rhythm is Gonna Get You." She "makes it her own" a little, injecting a bit of soul and sass into the song, and delivers a great vocal and energetic performance. In my world, Jordin is probably the front runner at this point, because not only does she have the voice, she also has the personality and ability to deliver in virtually in genre or theme they throw at her. Outstanding.

Mercifully, Blake left his fucking beatboxing in the rehearsal room with JLo and Haley. He performs Skeletor's (er, JLo's husband, Mark Anthony) "I Need to Know" and raises the ante on tonight's show once again. Except for the fact that he can appear a little dead in the eyes and not emotionally connected on occasion, he really smokes this one. A great song choice, a great vocal and performance, and he is the highlight of the hour. And he's wearing Judge Smails' hat.

Sanjaya performs a song with a Spanish title that my closed captioning can't quite understand ("Besame Mucho?"). But that's okay. My surround sound and speakers don't really understand Sanjaya's vocals, either. The big surprise? A great song choice for the little nutbag, and he puts out a performance that doesn't peel the paint off the walls. He actually keeps things in his limited vocal range, and gives a subdued and effective performance - definitely his best so far.

Thank god for the fast forward button and TiVo, because tomorrow's results show bloats to an hour. All in all, a challenging theme tonight and some surprising performances in an hour that was just "meh."

TNRLM Top 3: Blake, Jordin, Phil
TNRLM Bottom 3: Haley, Lakisha, Chris

If you don't play that way, I'll call your wife a whore and destroy your living room

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RIP Andy

More proof that people are just fucking stupid.

Whodat?

A couple of Sydney Andrews sightings recently. Sydney was one of the denizens of Melrose Place, played by Laura Leighton. A couple of weeks ago, she popped up on Shark as a reporter who may have some kind of backstory with Sebastian. Last week, she was the "party mom" on Law and Order SVU who bought the kids booze and banged her daughter's wannabe boyfriend ("but we were in love!"). I was never a fan of Melrose back in the day, but I have to say that Ms. Leighton (who in real life is married to Doug Savant, gay Matt on Melrose, an Alliance officer on Firefly and currently Tom Scavo on Desperate Housewives) has gotten better looking with age. She was gorgeous in these two guest spots, as she was on the sadly underwatched Eyes.

Noted Hey, It's That Guy Stephen Tobolowsky who showed up in the infamous "Tim Batale" episode of Studio 60, was on Friday's sweetly charming (without being saccharine) Raines as the comic book store owner. Also popping up in a funny cameo as the "stoner old lady" with nice bongs and a penchant for taxidermy? Pat Crawford Brown, perhaps best known as the old lady with the man eating demon penis sprouting out of her head on Buffy's "Doublemeat Palace."

God hates Tiger Woods.

GodWatch: Another in an ongoing series of updates regarding the powers and interests of The Almighty.

This past Sunday God took time out of his busy schedule to once again intervene in our earthly and mundane matters of sport, apparently guiding little known golfer Zach Johnson to a win at The Masters. Much like he did when sapping Rex Grossman of all accuracy and talent and "giving" a Super Bowl championship to gay rights detractor/intolerant douchebag Tony Dungy, the lord countered the "obvious effects" of global warming and made Augusta GA a cold, windy and inhospitable place for low scoring.

His divine intervention caused Phil Mickelson to vomit up a triple bogey on the first hole of the final round and Tiger to play like a mere mortal (probably because He didn't want El Tigre to show up His son on His "other birthday" and steal all His press. And the big man upstairs is also probably a little cranky about having to shell out for TWO presents and TWO birthday parties every single year for over two millennia). But new green jacket wearer Johnson knows where his spiritual and sporting bread is buttered, and consistently used CBS airtime to thank his mythological homeboy for kneecapping Retief Goosen and diverting the powers holy away from insignificant issues like Shiite uprisings, Iranian nuclear shenanigans, suffering in Zimbabwe, Grindhouse weekend box office, unholy panning for gold unions or the pestilence of Sanjaya.

Supernatural meddling aside, congrats to Johnson on using his meager human skills and efforts to capture one of sports most distinguished honors and pieces of outerwear.

Whodat?

On Wednesday's excellent Bones, "The Killer in the Concrete" (cement?), Phillip Rhys played the criminal with the affinity for blowtorches and screwdrivers. He was also suspected terrorist Reza on Day 2 of 24, who wound up getting killed by his bride to be, Marie Warner (mercifully, saving him from a life of painful marriage), as well as Jude from Nip/Tuck, who faked his British accent and tried to get in Julia's pants (and also had an internship at McNamara/Troy, because of course you want to hire the folks that try to bang your wife).

On another hysterical episode of Andy Barker, PI, noted underage porn star turned legit thespian Traci Lords turned up as one of the credit card stealing blackmailers. In addition to such classics as Hot Cum Orgy and Huge Bras 3, Traci was serial killer Jill of All Trades in Profiler, Wanda in Crybaby and had a recurring role in Roseanne.

"Caged Heat" meets "The Defiant Ones" -- with smoke monsters!

Lost's recent episode "Left Behind" continued the hot streak the show has been on since returning from the recent hiatus. I was wary of the episode because the ABC promo monkeys (who really must be stopped) couched it as nothing more than a chick fight about who loves St. Jack more. Not that there's anything wrong with a good old fashioned chick fight, mind you, and we certainly had our share of an estrogen laden throw down between Juliet and Kate (in a jungle downpour and mud! Too bad there's no Jell-O on the island). But that was just an overt manifestation for questions about guilt and forgiveness.

Sawyer's quest to not be "banished" bordered on treacly, but it was infused with enough humor to keep me from rolling my eyes at a supposedly skilled conman being conned by Hurley. Also good: the appearances of "smoky" the monster to torment our jungle gals were played for genuine thrills and dread, and I loved Sayid's (rightful) distrust of Juliet at the end.

Just like any good episode of Lost, questions were posed:

• Why did the Others leave and where did they go?
• Why did they leave Juliet, and is she part of some Otherly plan to infiltrate the beach group? After all, she did have the keys to the handcuffs all along.
• Where did a somewhat docile fertility doctor learn martial arts?
• What does Juliet actually know about smoky and the sonic fence system? Why couldn't smoky simply go "over" the fence did like our 4 Losties did previously, if it really wanted to get Juliet and/or Kate?
• At the monster's first appearance, what exactly were those "flashes" Kate and Juliet saw? And is it significant that Juliet seemed to look at them more than Kate?
• Why were Jack and Sayid "out" from the gas so much longer than Kate and (supposedly) Juliet? Were they gassed later? Or with more extra-special, longer lasting gas?
• What the hell is going on with Locke? Is he infiltrating the Others? Has he struck some selfish and independent deal with Benry? What happened with "dad in a box?" Plus, I'm still wondering of Locke TRULY blew up the sub. After all, he was inside the sub planting the explosives and could have left via the dock, yet he was soaking wet moments later when confronted by Jack and the Others. Hmmm.

All in all, another very good episode and I'm truly excited about seeing the rest of the season play out.

Even a fetus will lie

Why wouldn't a fetus lie? Everyone else does, according to Dr. Gregory House. And me.

Last night's House was entertaining, and threw a bit of twist on the formula by having Cuddy play the House role, even if it was a bit overly sentimental and maudlin.

I generally fast forward through or skip entirely all the maternal angst, but at least in this one House represented a more antagonistic and unpopular opinion, until his pragmatism had to cop out and melt at the end, under the withering force of a sensationalized pro-life tiny hand and Cuddy's annoying I have no identity unless I spawn character assassination.

Still, there was the usual snark:

• Mom about her gay sperm donor: "He took a magazine and a cup into the bathroom." House: "A man after my own heart. With a different magazine, obviously."
• "Vacationing in Cambodia? Gonna unwind in the killing fields?"
• "Who are the Jews in this metaphor?"
• "Chase just agreed because he didn't want to lose his all access pass to her love rug."
• "Stale pee is useless pee."
• "Be patient, she's going through all of us. She'll get that jungle fever eventually."
• 'I just realized I forgot to TiVo Alien.''

And despite my boredom with her story line, Lisa Edelstein acted the hell out her scenes. Interesting that Cuddy warned Cameron about being the one hurt in her "friends with benefits" relationship with Chase, even though it's poor puppy dog Chase that's obviously going to be the one thrown under the relationship bus.

Decent episode saved (as usual) by well crafted smart-assery. Average B. I can only hope they don't put Cuddy's womb on the train to Voglerville or Trittertown. Next week looks to be a bit outside the normal box and quite exciting.

Whodat?: The guest star photographer was Anne Ramsay, who played Brenda's boss on Six Feet Under and also appeared on a couple of Star Trek: TNGs as Ensign Clancy.

Putting lipstick on a pig

Nope, this post has nothing to do with "the lost year." But it has everything to do with what's happening over in Fayatteville, Arkansas.

How embarrassing would it be to be a Razorback? Consider:

In 2002, the head basketball who had led you to a national title and brought a unique style of play to the court played the race card and said he was being discriminated against because he was black, and challenged legendary AD Frank Broyles to fire him. Not all that surprisingly, Lord Frank obliged. Then, Nolan Richardson turns around and sues the university for discrimination, only to the have the suit dismissed.

In his stead, they hire Stan Heath, fresh off success at Kent State. Heath takes over a program decidedly in the dumps, and posts yearly win totals of 9, 12, 18, 22 and 21, making the big dance the last two years. Apparently, this is not enough for the delusional Hog fans and administration, so they fire him to hire Creightons's Dana Altman. Who accepts the job, only to recant a day later and leave Arkansas with even more egg on their faces than a Sizzler breakfast buffet.

They bring home prodigal son Houston Nutt to take over the football program, and he wallows in mediocrity (even including backing into an SEC championship game in 2002, where they are killed by the Dawgs), but nonetheless attracts the interest of Nebraska for their head coaching position. Nutt struggles through two more seasons, but inexplicably rumors float that Nutt is being courted by other head coaching oppotunities, including LSU in the wake of Nick Saban's departure for the greener pastures of Miami (insert joke here). Fans call for changes to Nutt's unimaginative offense, and he responds by hiring high octane, spread offense coordinator Gus Malzahn from Springdale high, and he also brings top QB recruit Mitch Mustain with him. With all this talent and creativity, Nutt takes the play calling away from his OC, benches his star frosh QB with a winning record, runs more than Doc Blanchard at Army, and sets the forward pass back 50 years.

Broyles also gives an embarrassing presentation to an alum group where he puts Arkansas in the bottom of the SEC in terms of resources and potential. Er, Frank, isn't that your job to elevate that?

Then comes the soap opera surrounding the "Springdale parents" and Mustain's mom. It's almost impossible to summarize this, but the bottom line is that a group of parents loyal to the OC and QB act like exaggerated caricatures of overbearing little league parents and further diminish the credibility and stature of the football program (even though their complaints may have some validity) with melodramatic histrionics. Read more about this soap opera here, here, or hell, just google "Springdale," "Malzahn" or any other relevant terms and immerse yourself in the idiocy. It winds up with Malzahn leaving for the OC position at Tulsa, Mustain leaving the program and Nutt wondering what the fuck just happened?

In the wake of this episode of Desperate Housewives, Broyles announces his resignation after 50 years, but not before he botches the situation with his basketball team.

Most universities have two high profile sporting programs, football and basketball. Over the last 5 years, Arkansas has mishandled these two programs as publicly and comically as humanly possible. If I was a Razorback, I'd hang my head in shame and be on suicide watch, and this is coming from an alum of the school that got rejected by Glen Mason, hired Ray Goff, got slimed by Jim Harrick and son and thought Ron Jirsa could coach.

Suuueeeey!, indeed.

Next, I'll start clapping like a seal and swallow a pharmacy

Tonight was "Tony Bennett" night on Idol. I always look forward to these nights of classic songs, as that's probably my favorite type of music. If I was stranded on the proverbial desert island (without hatches, smoke monsters or Juliet) and could pick only one type of music to listen to for the rest of my days (before I realized I couldn't make fire without a zippo, that I hate fruits and vegetables and came to the suicidal realization there's no Tivo), these standards would be it. There's comfort, class and elegance to them, and some might call me an "old soul," ya know, if there was such a thing.

Anyhoo, Blake started us off tonight with one of my all time favorites, "Mack The Knife." Again, the coach warned him about the fucking beatboxing and told him to watch the tempo. The song started off safe and boring, and didn't have the "menace" of Bobby Darin. (think about that - not as menacing as Bobby Darin) However, Blake had a great finish with it and I wasn't too disappointed in a reasonably performed version.

Next was Phil, who each week looks more and more like he's auditioning for Alan Ball's new vampire series on HBO. He did "Night and Day," and personally, I thought he knocked it out of the park. Great, rich vocal. The judges weren't crazy about it, but I even put in my notes that he sounds a little like The Chairman. Much to my surprise, Paula also invokes the holy name of Frank. I'm agreeing with Paula now. I run to the medicine cabinet, up my dose, and pour another stiff drink.

Melinda comes on and does her usual Melinda thing, blowing us all away with "I Got Rhythm." What can you say? She's impeccable. There's nothing to criticize with a flawless vocal. Maybe, how can she sing with no neck? Excellent as always.

Chris performs "Don't Get Around Much Anymore." The judges whack off, and I'm wondering what's up tonight. I enjoyed Phil, agreed with Paula, and find this version tediously tremulous. Another great song, and there was just nothing there for me to appreciate. It's almost as if Chris is on a Disney show, where he is a boy band singer at night, and dresses up in spandex during the day to wander an amusement park, handing out cotton candy and occasionally solving crimes, unknown to his single dad and older brother who picks on him. I'm lost with him.

Jordin regales us with "On A Clear Day" and doesn't wear a tablecloth this week. She's cute, effervescent and hits every note. Tony was impressed, as was I. She's a comer. She's gotten better each and every week, shows personality and has the voice to do anything. I love Jordin.

Gina, whom I've often found much better than the judges, takes a step back this week with "Smile." I hate this fucking sappy twaddle. Okey-dokey, just smile and everything will be better. Right. Her voice is okay, I guess, but I was checking my Blackberry for baseball scores during the song and couldn't wait for it to end.

Dear god, it's Sanjaya. You can sense the underlying tension in Seacrest, as he realizes this doofus is stealing all his preteen boy fans who toss off in the bathroom to Tiger Beat. I'll say this for the guy, despite his reed thin and awful vocals, he's embracing the madness and totally enjoying this for all it's worth. I believe the song was "Dancing Cheek to Cheek."

Haley continues her job interview for the cut-rate cruise ship circuit (or the Spearmint Rhino, depending on if her IQ is two digits and her daddy touched her in the "bad place") and tries to flirt up "Ain't Misbehavin." Simon is dead on. She's got nice legs. That's about it for that performance.

Lakisha belts out "Stormy Weather." And by "belts out," I mean "has a great voice, but oversings it with no subtlety."

All in all, not too painful tonight. I'm more worried for my sanity and sobriety, given how I seemed to understand and identify with Paula, sincerely appreciate Phil and want to buy commemorative mouse ears from Chris.

TNRLM's Top 3: Melinda, Phil, Jordin
TNRLM's Bottom 3: Sanjaya, Gina, Haley

Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks

Actually, I hate cracker jacks. Not a big fan of caramel.

2007 Major League Baseball Predictions Part 2: Individual Awards

American League

AL MVP: Vladimir Guerrero
AL Cy Young: Johan Santana
AL Rookie of the Year: Dice K

National League

NL MVP: Ryan Howard
NL Cy Young: John Smoltz
NY Rookie of the Year: Kevin Kouzmanoff

Throwing dirt on Dirt

Well, I finally got around to watching the season (series?) finale of Dirt. Like most of the series, it was a main course of "eh, okay" accompanied by a side of "what the fuck?"

The "big draw," supposedly, was a mini-Friends reunion with Courtney Cox and Jennifer Anniston, and their "kiss." Now look, I'm a red blooded male and enjoy the sapphic shenanigans as much (or more) than most. But this liplock was seriously underwhelming. Peck on the lips, with as much heat as a refrigerator bulb. And I'm sorry, I just don't get the Aniston thing. Every character she tries to play is just a toned down or toned up version of Rachel Green. The acting talent in the bloodline apparently stopped with Victor Kiriakis. While I appreciated her haircuts on Friends (my ex-wife once got "the Rachel"), I don't think she's that hot. Like not cracking the "top 100" hot. Just don't get the appeal. So that whole plotline limped along.

In fact, most of the plotlines, though coming to some kind of resolution, sputtered out:

• The brother was the secret stalker? Huh? Perhaps with a more convincing actor playing the brother (this guy was awful) it might have had some resonance, but all those scenes were sub-soap level.
• Speaking of bad acting, I still don't give a shit about Holt. Can't buy him as a movie star, still can't buy Lucy's attraction to him. And the scene with the close up of his eye? What was that? A return of his sushi worms? Forming of a tear? A "reflection" of the toll the paparazzi took on him? Huh?
• Julia goes nuts and tries to kill Lucy with a kitchen knife? Is she dead? Does anyone care?
• What was with Brent labeling the tape with Lucy's name? Does this mean they've done it? Does this mean he's now fixating on her (after seeing the cold fish lesbo kiss?), wants to bed her in his camera laden boudoir, and is just being OCD about advance tape labeling?
• Willa sitting in Lucy's office with a bad black wig? Was this supposed to be real? A flash forward? In Willa's imangination, where she thinks now that she's started her own "vault of secrets" with the bad AMTM clone she is "grown up" into Lucy? Huh?

Argh. As usual, the best thing about the show was schizophrenic Don. Even though Ian Hart rocked his scenes completely, I was still confused. Why were his visions (lame Holt, rotting dead Don with English accent and hot dead chick) telling him to kill Lucy? What's the point of that?

I stuck around for all the episodes of Dirt. Given the ratings and critical trashing, I think this may be an FX "one and done" like Starved, Over There or Thief. I won't mind, and I don't think my Tivo will be doing any weeping if we don't see the return of Dirt. It was a mild diversion, and had some interesting moments, but there were just too many unlikeable (and more importantly, uninteresting) characters. Don, and to some degree, Lucy and Willa, were the only decent characterizations on the show, and the plotting was too pedantic to make the situations in which they appeared compelling. The shows writers couldn't seem to come to grips with the scenario for the show, which on its surface would seem to be rich with opportunities for humor, tragedy and satire. In my view, what killed the show was that they didn't embrace the lunacy of the tabloid world and inject the situations with a sense of fun and humor. After all, take another show on the same network, Rescue Me. That show tackles some seriously dark material and subjects, but consistently makes me laugh. The characters there are also morally ambiguous, but extraordinarily well written and performed.

Unless FX is willing to retool the tone and concept somewhat, and give the show another chance to build up some audience and critical passion, I think we've thrown the last bit of dirt on Dirt.

A changed man

Time for a little self-reflection.

• I'm going to be optimistic, and know that carrying a perpetually sunny outlook will make positive things happen in my life.
• I'm going to always look for the best in people, because they never disappoint, deceive or let you down.
• I will eschew science and logic and realize that good things only happen through faith and beliefs that cannot be rationally explained.
• Television is a vast wasteland, and I won't spend another hour watching it.
• People's past behavior is no indication of who they truly are in the present, and everyone deserves trust.
• Smoking and drinking are harmful vices, don't bring me any joy, and I'll quit to enjoy a rich, happy life well into old age.
• People are inherently selfless, only worrying about the good they can do for others.
• Bitterness is a negative emotion and counter-productive. It will make me feel better to let go of old grudges and forgive the people who have treated me like a doormat anytime over the past 41 years.
• Worrying about using a coaster, emptying an ashtray, cleaning up immediately after a meal, labeling file folders and putting every single item in my home in the "right place" is maddening. A little clutter and mess is good, and I'll let go of my OCD tendencies.
• I'll look in the mirror every day and see a well adjusted, happy and handsome person, come to accept myself faults and all, and truly love me for who I am.
• I finally agree with Whitney Houston: "I believe the children are our future, Teach them well and let them lead the way, Show them all the beauty they possess inside, Give them a sense of pride..."
• I think the earth is our most precious resource and I care about what happens to it long after I'm gone. I'm going to get an electric car, turn my AC up above 70 and start recycling.
• After thinking about it, I realize how much joy is brought to a sportscast by Shannon Sharpe, Joe Theismann, Michael Irvin, Stuart Scott, Bryant Gumbel, Terry Bradshaw, Sterling Sharpe, Tim McCarver and Stephen A. Smith.
• I'm happy and blessed and things could be much worse.

I think I just looked at the calendar.....and realized what day it is.