All the world is a stage!

And no, that's not because I'm planning a cultural outing. (But I am). Really, it's because of this fascinating article from USA Today on smoking in Minnesota.

For those of you too lazy to click, here it is in a nutshell: Minnesota, like many overzealous and meddlesome "nanny state" governments, has acted against a free market economy and restricted the rights of businesses to determine their own smoking policies. A lawyer suggested a loophole in the law, that allows smoking by performers in a theatrical production. Several bars have gotten around the odious smoking ban by declaring "theatre nights," where all bar patrons are deemed "actors" participating in an unscripted play taking place in an evening long scene at the bar.

First, that's fucking brilliant.

Second, of course, the guv'ment is predictably coming down on these enterprising patriots and threatening to bury them under legal fees and the heavy handed machinations of Big Brother.

This is just as stupid -- if not MORESO -- than the attempts to censor television, radio and other forms of communications because someone might be offended. The Taliban is not capturing innocent citizens from the streets of Minny, throwing a bag over their head and dropping them into a smoky bar, where they are chained to a stool and forced to shotgun second hand toxins from the wrinkled mouth of a chain-smoking walleye fisherman. Nope, potential bar patrons know that there is smoking going on inside the establishment, and -- GASP! -- have a choice on whether or not to enter. This is not even like the unnerving broadcasting restrictions I referenced previously, where an impressionable child -- Horrors! Think of the children! -- might use a remote control to stumble across a bad word or see a boobie. (of course, parents could use any of the technological restrictions available to them, give their kids a book, or you know, take responsibility for their mindless copulating and actually parent). Six year olds don't steal the family car, drive down to the Old Clover Inn and convince the bartender that they are 21 years old and quickly die of cancer because they spent thirty minutes playing pinball next to a Nordic fur trader enjoying a Marlboro. No sir, adults, with their faculties presumably intact, can decide whether or not to enter an establishment that allows smoking. And the free market economy, or god help us, what's left of it, could develop bars that cater to the smoking demographic and bars that cater to those that don't get how fucking sweet whiskey is with a sidecar of nicotine.

It's called CHOICE, y'all.

I wish this loophole existed across the US. I would get my SAG card, and walk around smoking my fucking brains out, screaming "all the world is a stage!"

A changed man

Time for a little self-reflection.

• I'm going to be optimistic, and know that carrying a perpetually sunny outlook will make positive things happen in my life.
• I'm going to always look for the best in people, because they never disappoint, deceive or let you down.
• I will eschew science and logic and realize that good things only happen through faith and beliefs that cannot be rationally explained.
• Television is a vast wasteland, and I won't spend another hour watching it.
• People's past behavior is no indication of who they truly are in the present, and everyone deserves trust.
• Smoking and drinking are harmful vices, don't bring me any joy, and I'll quit to enjoy a rich, happy life well into old age.
• People are inherently selfless, only worrying about the good they can do for others.
• Bitterness is a negative emotion and counter-productive. It will make me feel better to let go of old grudges and forgive the people who have treated me like a doormat anytime over the past 41 years.
• Worrying about using a coaster, emptying an ashtray, cleaning up immediately after a meal, labeling file folders and putting every single item in my home in the "right place" is maddening. A little clutter and mess is good, and I'll let go of my OCD tendencies.
• I'll look in the mirror every day and see a well adjusted, happy and handsome person, come to accept myself faults and all, and truly love me for who I am.
• I finally agree with Whitney Houston: "I believe the children are our future, Teach them well and let them lead the way, Show them all the beauty they possess inside, Give them a sense of pride..."
• I think the earth is our most precious resource and I care about what happens to it long after I'm gone. I'm going to get an electric car, turn my AC up above 70 and start recycling.
• After thinking about it, I realize how much joy is brought to a sportscast by Shannon Sharpe, Joe Theismann, Michael Irvin, Stuart Scott, Bryant Gumbel, Terry Bradshaw, Sterling Sharpe, Tim McCarver and Stephen A. Smith.
• I'm happy and blessed and things could be much worse.

I think I just looked at the calendar.....and realized what day it is.