Disappointing music morning

Trying to find some music online this morning, and was stymied. Specifically, I was looking for the choral performance of "Creep" that's been used in ads for The Social Network...




...and Bob Seger's "Beautiful Loser," which was used so well in last night's season premiere of Supernatural.

Neither was available via easy and legal means (i.e. Amazon or iTunes).

Sigh.

I think I'm over it

You may have noticed that I didn't do a recap / evaluation of the last couple of Idol episodes like I usually do. Yes, real life has been intruding a bit, and yes, the Tuesday TV pile up has been punishing. But you know what? I think I'm just "over" the show.

It's hard to pinpoint a single reason. The contestants have been underwhelming. (The only ones I've looked forward to are Bowersox, Lee and Siobahn, and even Siobahn has struggled the last few weeks, all while continuing to do tragic things to her normally adorable hair on performance nights). Seacrest seems to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and his only discernible skill - moving the show along with affability and bland competence -- is nowhere to be found lately. (Taking shots at Dunkelman? Dude. That's like the Yankees complaining about the Pirates payroll). Four judges still take up too much time. Ellen is pleasant, and occasionally witty, but really adds nothing. Randy is useless as ever. Simon seems to have checked out. And Cthulu help me, Kara is the only one offering somewhat cogent advice. The song selections are uninspired. The theme nights are too broad (#1 hits from anytime? Really?) or too familiar. The direction and pacing of the show is as incomprehensibly incompetent as usual.

Plus, with the self-indulgently saccharine "Gives Back" special coming up, coupled with a dreary "songs of inspiration" theme on the horizon, now is as good a time as any for me to stop caring.

I've long been on a jihad against "reality" programming, making only the occasional exception (for Idol, obviously, but also for shows like Mythbusters and Sci-Fi Science. Do those latter two really count as "reality?"). While Idol is still light years above intelligence-insulting shitstains like anything involving a Kardashian, a "Housewife" or a "Guido," I think I'm finally at a point where I can let my active interest disengage, and just check in occasionally (providing my three favorites continue on the show).

Anyone else losing interest?

Idol Top 10: Surprisingly Old School

Here we are with R&B music night on American Idol. In addition to the increasingly flat competition headlined by Crystal, Siobahn (…and the rest), the theme doesn’t exactly fill me with excitement. I think I lost interest in R&B when James Brown got in a drunken car wreck for the 12th time. I’m kidding, kinda, as I do recall the 80s and 90s era of the Quincy Joneses and Anita Bakers and the like, but when every R&B song started to have a “featuring” credit, or tell a multi-part story about a closet, I just wasn’t as interested as I once was.

I wonder if I’ll know any of these songs, since most of the contestants were born after the era(s) I mentioned above?

How on earth are we spending two fucking hours with this show now that we’re in the top 10, when they each perform only one song? Didn’t they use to cram this into one hour, or at least an hour and a half up until the last couple of years? So much filler, and so incompetently directed and produced. Usher is the guest mentor tonight. I think I might recognize a few of his tunes. Has he been involved in 27 sex scandals, or is he a relatively good guy? He’s shown in clips wearing a Braves hat (your 2010 National League East Champs!), so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

Fuck, Seacrest’s hair annoys me. I hate that “gel it up in front” look. I hated it on Angel, one of my favorite shows of all time. Quoth William the Bloody:

Spike: [as Angel] No, helping those in need's my job, and workin' up a load of sexual tension and prancing away like a magnificent poof is truly thanks enough.
Spike: [as Rachel] I understand. I have a nephew who's gay, so...
[gasps]
Spike: [as Angel] Say no more. Evil's still afoot. And I'm almost out of that nancy-boy hair-gel I like so much. Quickly, to the Angel-mobile, away.

Wow. Someone’s cranky tonight. Okay, here we go.

Siobahn
“Through The Fire”
Speaking of hair, I love her big glasses and loose, tousled hair in the interview packages. Why does she have to pile it up every week so it looks like those ribs they put on the side of Fred’s car during the opening of The Flintstones? The first part of her performance was unusually restrained, if off key in a couple of places. Then she gets to hit her big screamy notes in the middle, which were powerful. She finished better than she started, but I’m not sure that was a song or style particularly suited for her. 6

Quick aside: Is it just me, or is Kara giving particularly cogent and spot on criticism this year?

Casey
“Hold On, I’m Coming”
Hey, a song I love! And a great choice for Casey, that should suit his scratchy, bar band sound. Well, that was a fantastic marriage of contestant and material. He smoked that one, and gave what was one of my favorite performances of the year. I agree with Simon here, and that was a home run. 8

Mike
“Ready for Love”
When I heard the title, a part of me was hoping it was the Bad Company song. (Speaking of which, why don’t more artists choose one of their songs? Paul Rogers has one of the best voices ever, and their songs are known, but not played to death. Wouldn’t it be cool to hear someone bust out “Bad Company” or “Silver, Blue and Gold?”) Despite the fact that Mike didn’t take me back to the 70s, this was a soulful and powerful performance. R&B balladry is right in his wheelhouse, and he delivered. 8

DiDi
“What Becomes of the Broken Hearted”
Thus far, I’ve seemed to like DiDi more than a lot of folks. Some have compared her to Brooke or the wacky “caw, caw” girl, but for some reason, DiDi’s quirky style has set itself apart for me. I think her performances feel more at home in the earthy, singer-songwriter or rat-packish torch song vein, but she didn’t do too bad with this one. She wasn’t bad, per se, but there wasn’t a vocal connection to a song she seemed emotional about performing. 6

I don’t know if it’s just the power of Bradley Whitford’s mustache, or the judicious use of “Slow Ride,” but I think I might tune in to The Good Guys.

Tim
“Sweet Love”
Holy shit. I wrote my opening graff before the show started, and I didn’t really think anyone would actually perform Anita Baker. Too bad it’s gonna be the fucking living emo wig, Tim. Sigh. If vanilla extract could sing, it would have probably sounded like that. Randy says “singing waiter.” I think I agree with the Dawg, dude. That was pretty awful. All the judges, in fact, echo my sentiments. 2

Damn, I can’t wait until we get a new Fringe on Thursday.

Andrew
“Forever”
Is this that song from the crazy youtube wedding videos? I appreciate taking a chance with the song, and giving it a different arrangement and spin, but that was not very compelling. His voice got in one place, with one energy, and never really left it, and it flattened out the song. The judges love it. Snoozy for me. And we’re wasting time so his mommy can chastise Simon? Kill me now. 4

Katie
“Chain of Fools”
I’m happy with another “classic” song choice. Katie looked great, and hit most of the notes, but she didn’t quite have the edge in her voice this one needed. Still, she acquitted herself well for a BIG song by a BIG singer, even if it was a little, mature for her. 6

Lee
“Treat Her Like a Lady”
Wow. Another respectable song choice. And Wow, a great performance. He gave this R&B classic a palpable, granular intensity that really suited his voice. Just different enough to make it his own, just recognizable to connect, and hands down the best of the night so far. Lee Was On Fi-Yah. 9

I’m having a hard time with these Knight and Day commercials. Cruise and Diaz grate beyond belief, but I gotta say, this flick looks like it might be pretty damned entertaining.

Crystal
“Midnight Train to Georgia”
ANOTHER classic choice. And a song about The Motherland. And a GREAT song, to boot. Crystal puts down the gee-tar and gives us a little Gladys. The first part was soulful, restrained and all her own, without a hint of karaoke or Xerox. I wasn’t crazy about her falsetto note, but other than that, she was pretty damned terrific. Again. 8

Aaron
“Ain’t No Sunshine”
I guess my fears about a dearth of classic R&B songs being performed were unfounded, as Aaron chooses a stone cold classic, and one of my favorites. What the fuck is up with his hair? Is that a fin, like on the Creature From the Black Lagoon? His vocals were definitely better than last week, and fairly clean, but there was just no gravitas, no feeling and no heartache in that performance. Is that expecting too much from a chipmunky teenager? Probably. That was like a leftover cookie; not nearly as good as fresh from the oven, and full of empty calories, but not bad. 6



TNRLM Top 3: Lee, Casey, Crystal


TNRLM Bottom 3: Tim, Andrew, Siobahn

Greatest One Hit Wonders of the 80s 20 - 1

The preamble:

As I go through the One Hit Wonder countdown, I'll offer some thoughts on the song, video or anything else that pops into my head. Also, I'll examine my iTunes library and indicate if I already have the song there (H), will be downloading it (Y) or will make like Nancy Reagan, and just say no (N). Feel free to chime in with any of your personal remembrances or anecdotes as jump into the Wayback Machine with Sherman and Mr. Peabody:

100 - 81
80 - 61
60 - 41
40 - 21

Heading for the finish line!

20 Rockwell: “Somebody’s Watching Me”
Originally, I thought this was another case of nepotism, as Rockwell is really Kennedy Gordy, son of Motown Guru Berry Gordy. Daddy probably said “here’s a song, and take some Jacksons with you to sing backup.” However, the younger Gordy steadfastly maintains that he kept his identity secret, and got signed and recorded his album without his dad being aware. So good for you, Rockwell. Though now, when you hear MJ sing about someone watching him, all I can think about is child services. N

19 Dead or Alive: “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)”
The Crying Game dude, before there was an actual movie with a Crying Game dude. And would kids today even understand what “like a record” means? Maybe he should do an updated version about being “plugged like a USB.” N

18 Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock: “It Takes Two”
Not being a big fan of hip hop, I don’t recall that much about this song. But Wikipedia tells me that “In David Simon's 1991 book, Homicide: A Year on the Killing Streets, which covers the Baltimore Police Department's Homicide department in 1988, Simon calls the song "the summer's hands-down winner for Sound of the Ghetto" and uses its lyrics to frame a chapter summarizing murders and other violent acts that occur over the course of the summer.” And if it’s good enough for the creator of The Wire, it’s good enough for me. N

17 Men Without Hats: “The Safety Dance”
Okay, just like everybody ran in place with “Maniac,” I’m sure everybody made a big “S” with their arms here, right? The band’s name always makes me giggle. And they had a mandolin playing dwarf in the video. That’s all I got. N

16 Nena: “99 Luft Balloons”
Who else thought Nena was kinda hot? Like a Teutonic Chrissy Hynde or something? And nobody in high school knew what the fuck a “luft balloon” was. On the TV show, they showed her now, and she’s even hotter at 50+ than she was back in the day. Maybe I should write a song about balloons. N

15 Devo: “Whip It”
Devo a one hit wonder? No love for “Working in a Coal Mine?” H

14 Big Country: “In A Big Country”
Everybody has one of those bands, or songs, that just rubs them the wrong way. This song was one of those for me. I don’t necessarily dislike it now, but at the time, every time I heard some fucking synthy bagpipe, I would reach for the volume and scream “Do Not Want!” N

13 Thomas Dolby: “She Blinded Me With Science”
Good heavens Miss Sakamoto, who doesn’t love this? This was, and remains, just a funky wacky good time song. My personal memory of this was that during my senior year in high school, I went to Atlanta for a weekend FBLA competition. One of my pals had been "challenged" by a couple of grades, and was older than I was. That’s relevant, because he could walk into a liquor store near the hotel and by a couple of bottles of vodka. Now, my parents were very open about booze and such, and I had knocked back a beer, glass of wine or cocktail every once in a while, and didn’t really wind up being one of those crazy high school kids that winds up in rehab. (I would save all my significant liver damage for college and beyond. Ya know, when I was mature). But for some reason, after the competition and before that evening’s “dance party,” Steve pulled out the vodka and we started mixing up kamikazes (which I think was actually just vodka and Sprite). We went down the dance, started cutting a rug and having a good old time. He brought another pint in his jacket, and we wound up getting completely shit-faced. I think it must have been my first real bender. I was really shy by nature, but this certainly loosened me up, and I wound up dancing with and talking to a pretty girl from Valdosta named Sandra. (“Blinded Me With Science” was one of the songs I distinctly recall from the evening). We spent the whole party together, and I ended up making out with her a little and getting her phone number. It’s a good thing I was being suave early in the evening, because later, I woke up fully clothed in the bathtub with no shoes, and no recollection of the past few hours. We eventually found one of my shoes in the ice machine (???), and I found Sandra’s number in my pants pocket. Over the summer after graduation, we called and wrote letters (Holy Shit. Kids today won’t even understand what it was like before cheap long distance, before cell phones, before texting, before email and facebook and twitter, when you ran to the mailbox each morning to see if you got a handwritten letter that was SWAK. Fuck. I’m old. Get off my lawn!), and eventually, I went down there to see her for a few days. She was really cool, and we kept in touch for a while, before we both wound up going off to college. I guess it was a bit like Danny and Sandy from Grease. Except I think she was German, not Australian. And we went off to college, not back to senior year in high school. And I don't remember her getting a black spandex makeover. And we never got in touch again. Actually, it was nothing like Grease, I don’t know what I was saying. Anyhoo, that’s what I think of when I hear this song. H

12 Animotion: “Obsession”
Not a big fan of this song. But I do like obsession. N

11 Gary Numan: “Cars”
Not a big fan of this song, either. But I do like cars. N

10 Frankie Goes to Hollywood: “Relax”
Who still has a “Frankie Says ‘Relax’” t-shirt? Not that it wouldn’t be like applying a tourniquet, if it was one from back in the day. Still a good song. And still good advice, all these years later. Like thinking about baseball. H

9 Kajagoogoo: “Too Shy”
That’s one of those band names you throw out when you want to essentially sum up 80s one hit wonders. Kajagoogoo. Just say it slowly. Kajagoogoo. No, we weren’t too proud (or too shy!) in the 80s. The lead singer’s hair look like he skinned a Persian cat, put it on his head, and then rubbed it vigorously with a balloon (but probably not a luft balloon) N

8 Bow Wow Wow: “I Want Candy”
A nubile 15 year old with a great rack and a Mohawk, singing about candy. What’s not to love? (Wait, you don’t have to register with the police and talk to the neighbors if you type that, do you?) H

7 Modern English: “I Melt With You”
This song has been featured in so many movies and compilations, it’s almost the anthem of the 80s. Who didn’t sing this to their girlfriend back then? Great then, great now. H

6 Toni Basil: “Mickey”
This is the flip side of “I Melt With You.” Just as ubiquitous in 80s retrospectives, but annoying as hell then, annoying as hell now. I think the only time I appreciated it was when it was used in Bring It On. N

5 Soft Cell: “Tainted Love”
English new wave synth combined with Gloria Jones and the Supremes? Oh yeah, this is still good. H

4 Tommy Tutone: “867-5309 / Jenny”
I don’t know what it is about this song, but it is still one of the most played in my iTunes library. Tommy Tutone certainly wasn’t part of the Tiger Beat, telegenic parade of pop idols in the 80s (like, say Duran Duran), nor did they ever reach the charts with anything else, but this really and truly is just a perfect slice of pop rock that endures after all these years. A great, fun song, even today. Personal memory: in the area where I went to high school, 867 was a local exchange. So naturally after the song became popular (and before the era of caller ID, or ten digit dialing), every teen called 867-5309 and asked for “Jenny.” And OF COURSE it was an old, retired lady who didn’t have the first clue about what the fuck was going on. And OF COURSE the local news did a feature about local hooligans harassing this poor senior citizen because of some “rock song.” Hee. Now, since everyone has BlackBerries and iPhones and the like, you don’t have to remember anyone’s phone number. I bet anyone over 40 couldn’t tell you their best friend’s phone number, or their girlfriend’s number, but they could sure as hell tell you Jenny’s. H

3 A-Ha: “Take On Me”
The song and video were so popular, A-Ha got tapped to do a Bond theme. Anyone remember “The Living Daylights” as a song? Uh, no. Poor Timothy Dalton, who was an underrated Bond, stuck with bad scripts and movies. This was a good song for the era, but an ALL TIME video. N

2 Flock of Seagulls: “I Ran (So Far Away)”
Hair? H

1 Dexys Midnight Runners: “Come on Eileen”
While I might have missed the nuance of what was really going on with “Turning Japanese,” I think I may have read way too much into this one, just based on the title. N

Greatest One Hit Wonders of the 80s 40 - 21

I was flipping channels yesterday, and caught part of VH-1's countdown of the Greatest One Hit Wonders of the 80s. It dawned on me that I had started blogging though this countdown before, and never actually finished the list. In fact, it was almost exactly a year ago when I kind of lost the thread around #41. If you're new to the blog and want to check those posts out, or want to revisit them before proceeding onward, you can do so here:

100 - 81
80 - 61
60 - 41

Here's the preamble:

The preamble:

As I go through the One Hit Wonder countdown, I'll offer some thoughts on the song, video or anything else that pops into my head. Also, I'll examine my iTunes library and indicate if I already have the song there (H), will be downloading it (Y) or will make like Nancy Reagan, and just say no (N). Feel free to chime in with any of your personal remembrances or anecdotes as we jump into the Wayback Machine with Sherman and Mr. Peabody.

Now, one year later, let's resume the countdown, starting with #40:

40 The Buggles: “Video Killed the Radio Star”
By now, I think everyone knows this was the first video played on MTV. Have you looked at the channel lately? These days, the tune could be “Vapid Attention Seeking Teenage Whores Killed the Video Star.” Good trivia I didn’t know: Keyboardist Geoff Downes went on to form 80s supergroup Asia. H

39 Matthew Wilder: “Break My Stride”
One of the more annoying tunes on the countdown. Once you hear it, you need some mental Clorox to get it out of your head. N

38 Bruce Willis: “Respect Yourself”
Another celebrity vanity project. Not as irony free and tone deaf as Don Johnson’s, and John McClane is much of a badass than Sonny Crockett. Also, this was around the time that Bruce was shilling for (sing along) Seagrams…..Golden Wine Coolers. My mom loved those things, and we were all fans of Die Hard and Moonlighting, so every time mom wanted one of those “drinks,” my dad would sing Bruce’s jingle. I probably would have preferred “Respect Yourself.” (Though really, if you did respect yourself, you probably wouldn’t be singing about wine coolers). N

37 Lipps, Inc.: “Funkytown”
A classic of the disco era, that just arrived too late for the disco movement proper, and also an astonishing lyrical achievement that reportedly made Bob Dylan weep with jealousy. What I remember most about this song was that it was always played at this cheesy amusement park in my area, called “Lake Winnepesauka.” I went there with some friends one time, and we got in the spinning cylinder ride, where the floor drops out and you’re pinned to the wall by centrifugal force. Well, one of my buddies had eaten one chili dog too many, and barfed during the ride. It barely escaped from his face and the front of his shirt, but everyone on the ride knew what was going on, and we were dreading the eventual slowing of the ride, since the bubbling stew would then start to make its way around the cylinder. Yeah, I always think of that with Funkytown. H

36 Weather Girls: “It’s Raining Men”
Letterman’s Paul Schaffer actually co-wrote this eminently danceable ditty, about a meteorological event only slightly less believable than the conclusion of Magnolia. One of the singers, Martha Wash, went on to provide the voice (but not the lip synching hot bod) for C+C Music Factory. Last year, the song was co-opted in a funny video mocking the dimwitted bigots opposing marriage equality. (I was going to put a link to it here, but the video has been taken down from YouTube for a “copyright violation” because it uses some of the laughable scenes from the “National Organization for Marriage” fear-mongering hate vid). Regardless of your sexual orientation, I think we can all agree that the best way to get men would not be via "rain." Wouldn't that be, its very best, messy? Could an umbrella, even one created by The Penguin, withstand a 200 pound studmuffin dropping out of the sky? And would your really want your "man" after he had fallen from the clouds onto the pavement? H

35 Tom Tom Club: “Genius of Love”
Chris Franz and Tina Weymouth to a break from Talking Heads to pen this tune, which was always a dance floor favorite. H

34 The Waitresses: “I Know What Boys Like”
Okay, forget what I said about Matthew Wilder. THIS is the most annoying song of the 80s. Yeah, it captured the new wave attitude of the 80s perfectly, but this on repeat could force me to confess to crimes I didn’t commit. N

33 John Waite: “Missing You”
I remembered Waite from his work with the Babys, a very underrated 70s band, but you couldn’t escape this particular song in the 80s. It’s a little melancholy for my taste, and I actually preferred another song from his first album, called “Change.” H

32 Quarterflash: “Harden My Heart”
This was a great song, and who didn’t have a crush on the frizzy haired, vulnerable sounding chick in spandex who could also wail on the sax? From the same album, “Find Another Fool” was also a good track. Y

31 Bobby McFerrin: “Don’t Worry Be Happy”
Oh lord. What started out as a charming little instrument-free lark turned into the earworm of the 80s. It was the first a capella song to top the Billboard charts. N

30 The Vapors: “Turning Japanese”
When this song was released, I was early on in high school, and I don’t think I really got the gist of song’s meaning. It was a guy talking about a picture of his girlfriend, and I thought he had stared at it so long and so intently, he just began squinting. However, as I got older, and really thought about it (especially this lyric: “No sex, no drugs, no wine, no women; No fun, no sin, no you, no wonder it's dark”), I realized it was quite obviously an ode to masturbation, joining such other self-gratification tunes like “She Bop,” “You and UR Hand,” “The Stroke,” “Dancing with Myself,” “Blister in the Sun,” “I Touch Myself” and “Darling Nikki.” Wow. There are a lot of songs about masturbating. And I knew all those off the top of my head. I wonder what that means. H

29 Madness: “Our House”
Another song that got played to death in the 80s, that I used to like but just became sick of eventually. And I know it was a massive radio and MTV hit, far overshadowing anything else Madness did, but they also enjoyed some success with “It Must Be Love” and “One Step Beyond,” which I recall seeing on MTV first, and which I actually like better. (N – “Our House”; Y – “One Step Beyond”)

28 John Parr: “St. Elmo’s Fire (Man In Motion)”
The Brat Pack grows up. Mostly, I remember the movie for Rob Lowe playing saxophone, Emilio Estevez stalking Andie MacDowell and Demi Moore being the hottest cokehead since Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface. Some interesting trivia about the song: it was written by prolific composer David Foster and John Parr about a dude in a wheelchair who was rolling around the world to raise awareness for spinal cord injuries. Also, it never appeared on a John Parr album. And again, this is another where I question the moniker of “One Hit Wonder,” as you couldn’t escape “Naughty Naughty” on MTV and pop/rock radio in the 80s. N

27 Stacey Q: “Two of Hearts”
Now here’s a true One Hit Wonder. Did you know Stacey Q appeared on The Facts of Life as a rival to Tootie, named “Cinnamon?” And she sang this song? No, I didn’t either. N

26 Cutting Crew: “I Just Died In Your Arms”
Another song about an orgasm, though unlike “Turning Japanese,” someone else is involved in the act (hence the “your arms” part). The writer dreamed this up just after boning his girlfriend. Musically, he didn’t get it up again. Y

25 Musical Youth: “Pass the Dutchie”
I wasn’t too hep to the slang for the Devil’s Parsley in high school, so I had no idea what was going on with this song. Evidently, it was a remake of song dealing directly with sparking up, called “Pass the Koutchie.” (I wouldn’t have known what the hell a Koutchie was either, but apparently, it’s a bong). When a bunch of kids did the cover, they changed it to “dutchie” and changed the lyric “how does it feel when you got no herb” to “how does it feel when you got no food.” Isn’t that a little depressing for a reggae song by a bunch of kids? Though when I was in college, given the choice, I probably would have forsaken the food. And what the hell was a “dutchie?” If they were hungry, they could have changed it to “Debbie,” to mean a Little Debbie. I loved Swiss Cake Rolls. I would imagine they're even better if you're high, so it all fits together. The group’s efforts to sanitize the tune came back to bite them, however, as eventually “dutchie” came to refer to a blunt. N

24 Edie Brickell & New Bohemians: “What I Am”
Man, there were a lot of ska influences in the 80s. I think I first became aware of the movement listening to the English Beat (who were awesome, and still pop up regularly in my various playlists). This was one of those songs you either loved or hated. I loved it, and hell, most of their first album, too, though the band never saw the success of this single. And then Edie Brickell married Paul Simon. Princess Leia and the “What I Am” chick. Not bad, Paul Simon. Not bad. H

23 Eddy Grant: “Electric Avenue”
“BOY!” The first zillion times I heard this song, I thought he kept screaming “OY!” and it was some bizarre hybrid of English, reggae, electronica and Yiddish. Also, didn’t all the Lectroids from Planet 10 look like Eddy Grant? “BOY!” N

22 Michael Sembello: “Maniac”
Okay, when you read the title of this song, you started running in place and running your hands up and down your legs, didn’t you? Don’t lie. Much like “Dutchie,” this was originally about something entirely different. Take a song a maniacal serial killer and turn it into a tune about a dancing steelworker? No problem! H

21 Twisted Sister: “We’re Not Gonna Take It”
Anything that pisses off Tipper Gore is A-OK in my book. And the video also brought back Mark Metcalf (Douglas C. Niedermeyer himself!), and led to his sublime turn as The Master on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. N

In which we hear nothing really new, except the same shitty song. Twice. (Idol Finals)

Well, here we are at the American Idol finals, with low key Kris Allen vs. the bombastic Adam Lambert. I’m happy with the final twosome, really, though I would have personally preferred an Allison / Adam matchup. But since that wasn’t possible, given her ousting in the Final 4, I’m pleased as can be that smug, irritating hack Gokey got booted last week, leaving us with this duo. For most of the season, I’ve enjoyed Adam’s performances more than Kris’s (though I did really dig his “Falling Slowly” and thought his rendition of “Heartless,” from an original artist I can’t stand, was the high point last week), so I guess I’m kind of pulling for him. But I just want an entertaining hour (and yes, Idol Producers, as I’m know you’ve forgotten time and time again, an hour consists of 60 minutes. Not 67, or 64, or 70, you fucking buffoons), free of idiotic judges commentary, and with some variety in the song choices.

So, let’s get on with it, shall we?

Judges introductions. A noticeable lack of applause for Kara. (I know, she’s inane and inconsistent in her commentary. But I keep thinking she’s kinda cute, and is she really any more devoid of thought and logic than Randy or Paula?). Simon has eschewed the formal Hanes for this evening, too. Rules: one performer’s choice of their favorite from this year, one choice from producer Simon Fuller, and a performance of the “winner’s treacly ballad coronation,” this year written by Kara. Great. 33% of the evening just merited a fast forward and/or heavy drinking. And Ryan warns us that tomorrow night is “so packed with great stuff” that the show will RUN OVER THE SCHEDULED TIME AGAIN. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, right? It’s a TWO HOUR SHOW. For what is in essence, a 60 second reveal, and a 3 minute confetti drenched ballad chock full 'o rainbows and moonbeams. What could possibly take up MORE THAN TWO FUCKING HOURS?! At least they are warning audiences in advance of their own towering ineptitude. Sigh.

Kris won the toss, and is electing to defer.

Adam opens with his performance of Tears for Fears (Gary Jules version) “Mad World.” I realize why the show keeps running over time. They’ve gone to a pawn shop, and exchanged all their clocks and watches for a smoke machine and 29 blue light bulbs. Adam does a lovely performance of the song, and though it doesn’t induce chills the way it did when we first heard it and it took us by surprise (or took some of by surprise, since this was one of the shows where his entire performance was past the show’s allotted running time), it really is quite understated vocally, compared to some of his previous vocal gymnastics, and is sung beautifully. The first three judgebots love it, and for some reason, Simon feels compelled (after several interruptions by the howler monkeys throwing poo) to comment on the “theatricality” of the performance. Dude, if you’re just now noticing this about Adam, have a cup of coffee and wake the fuck up. 9

Kris comes up in the bottom of the first at the piano, with “Ain’t No Sunshine.” Good lord, I love this song. The bluesy, plaintive nature of this tune is right in his wheelhouse, and he does a fantastic job with it, giving it a diversity of phrasing that, to use the typical Idol parlance, makes it his own. Really heartfelt, and a very good counter to Adam’s opening number. 9

Round One: Dead Heat. (Simon gives it to Kris).

Fuller picks “Change is Gonna Come,” Sam Cooke’s influential tune from the 60s, for Adam. Naturally, he performs it note perfectly, and of course, with lots of bombast. Depending on your appreciation for Adam’s upper register whaling, you probably either loved this or hated it. Though I wish there had been a wee bit more restraint building to the crescendo, it really was quite spectacular vocally. 9.5

For Kris, Fuller picks another classic R&B tune, Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Goin’ On.” A great choice for him. Say what you want about his abysmal time management skills, the song choices have been very solid here, and suited to the artists. Kris does the song with guitar and some bongo accompaniment, and this is exactly what I think of when I think of most of Kris’s performances: vocally competent, interestingly phrased, and exactly what I think I should be hearing when I’m sitting on a deck on a sunny day, after a bit of the hippie lettuce, downing margaritas. I appreciate the calming melody and understatement of that Jason Mraz/Jack Johnson vibe, I just don’t always “seek it out” on the iPod when I “need” something to hear. Your Mileage May Vary. Some folks I know just love that stuff. Jason Castro tried to capitalize on that last year, but he was way less vocally and technically talented than is Kris (not to mention the fact that Jason might have been riding a short bus to school, or have fried his brain with too many white Russians and adventures with the Devil’s parsley). So, yeah, I liked that, it was aiight dawg, and it was smooth and well done. 8

Round Two: Adam

Running Score: Adam 18.5; Kris 17

And now we come to the portion of the program where the contestants perform some saccharine ballad inevitably about hopes and dreams and struggles and truth and frolicking on a beach of dreams and cloudy aspirations and climbing a mountain of pluck while fucking a unicorn in the ass and making a rainbow out of the spunk they pull out of their very own soul. Gah. Has any one of these formless regurgitations of 10th grade poetry EVER been worth a damn? If it HAS to be a stirring intellectual treatise on grasping the golden goddamned ring off the carousel of hope-y dreaminess, couldn’t it at least be an upbeat nugget of pop cotton candy? Has Kara been listening to the incessant promotion for Glee (which I’m actually looking forward to watching) and their use of “Don’t Stop Believin’?” Couldn’t we have something like that?

Adam gives us his take on “No Boundaries.” Will this be a song about someone who constantly invades your personal space? The difficulty in establishing a Palestinian state? College football recruiting? Your stepmom that uncomfortably got undressed in front of you when you were 14? The neighbor whose dog shits in your yard? Well, it wasn’t quite as soft and languorous as I’d anticipated, but it was every bit as expectedly obvious and insipid. How much do you penalize someone for “song choice,” when you have no choice, and the crafter of the tune is sitting right fucking there? Performance wise, it wasn’t one of Adam’s better shows, and on this one, I can see where the “upper register” complainers make their case. Grading on a curve (because they both have do roll with this crap), I’ll give it a 6. (And Cathy Dennis, 80s major hottie and pop hit crafter, co-wrote that with Kara? Wow.

Here we have Kris batting clean up on the same tune. Of course, his take has a more strummy, acoustic bent to it, and I actually enjoyed his version more, though he was far less technically proficient at hitting the notes the song required. Liked more, appreciated less? How about a copout with the same 6.

Round Three: Tie

Running Score: Adam 24.5; Kris 23

So, based on this, I would say that Adam won the night. The good thing is, I would be happy with either guy winning. They are both humble and appreciative and seem to have a genuine camaraderie and respect for each other.

And guess what? FOX has their most important pilot presentation right after this show, and they STILL FUCKING MANAGED TO RUN OVER TIME. (Of course, normally, I would give them the benefit of the doubt for a shrewd marketing move to suck people into watching Glee, but they have been so grossly confuzzled by the ability to understand where the big hand and the little hand are on the face of a fucking clock, that I won’t).

Tomorrow: Lots of fast forwarding with the TiVo and somebody wins! Wheee!

One day, when I'm a big rock star...

Came across this item, outlining the "tour rider" (the list of necessities a star contractually demands backstage) for pop princess Kelly Clarkson.

It's really remarkable how simple and unpretentious the list is, and makes me love Kelly even more. For comparison, check out the rider of J-Lo when she had a bit part in a charity video. And of course, we all remember the infamous "no brown M&Ms!" clause from Van Halen back in the day.

So, even though I don't sing in public, and couldn't hit a note if my car/shower singing was filtered through the Hall 9000 version of Autotune, I like to imagine that one day I could be a rock star. (Maybe I shouldn't give up on that dream. After all, look around the Top 40 these days, and that tonal deficiency sure hasn't stopped a lot of successful "artists"). So what would my "rider" look like? Glad you asked.

Upon arrival backstage, the artist should have:

• 10 bags of crushed ice, preferably the "pellet" ice often found at Sonic or Zaxby's.
• Ice must be stored in Coleman stainless steel coolers, as found at UGA tailgates, or used by the Dharma Initiative circa 1977.
• 30 bottles of water. (ice cold) Any brand is fine.
• Two half gallon bottles of Crown Royal.
• UGA stadium cups, preferably black. (No white cups).
• Two airpots fresh ground coffee. One dark roast, one light roast.
• One half gallon fat free half and half.
• Coffee travel mugs, preferably stainless steel. Although "STEROFOAM" is okay too, because its impact on the the environment is vastly overstated, and well, I'll be long dead before the planet rots away.
• One case of diet Coke.
• Five extra large, extra soft towels, preferably washed in with excessive amount of Snuggle. And the blood of newborns. (last requirement optional).
• Party platter of Chic-Fil-A nuggets. With Zaxby's sauce.
• Plasma TV, connected to DVD player.
• Entire Firefly series on DVD.
• Wireless internet connection.
• 42 packs of IceBreakers gum.
• One large platter of chili cheese fries, with sides of sour cream and ranch. (Waffle, steak, crinkle and other large fries okay. Shoestring NOT).
• All security guards backstage must be attired in RED Starfleet uniforms. (Reboot uniform design preferable).
• One large bowl, designed to replicate the Holy Grail in 13x scale, filled with Reese's Pieces.
• Five cartons of Marlboro Ultra Lights.
• Five Zippo lighters (fueled).
• Five large bean bag "chairs."
• No furnishings, posters, napkins, attire or any visible evidence of the "color" ORANGE must be present at any time. No "jorts." Any employees or concert attendees with the names "Meyer," "Spurrier," "Wuerffel" or "Tebow" must be removed from the arena. And taken out behind the facility and shot. (Quietly. And this clause must be removed from documentation for legal considerations, but ya get the message, right?).
• One basket of kittens. (Who doesn't love kittens?)
• A/C must be set to temp below 68 degrees.
• One box disposable eyeglass cleaning wipes.
• Keebler cookies, served by real elves (not short people dressed like they're going to a Ren Fair).
  

That's mine. What would be on your rider?

Heads should roll, and not just from Danny's singing (Idol Top 3)

Before I get to some quick thoughts on the Idol performances last night, can we all just agree on this: the show's producers and director should be FIRED. Or, Fringe style, taken to a portal to another dimension and CUT IN HALF and left for dead. Because really, the consistent incompetence of this season is unparalleled in any dimension. You have the number one show on television, and as talented a group as you've ever had, and week after week the show runs as smoothly and efficiently as the Washington Generals. You've added a fourth judge, who sounded great and credentialed on paper, who ultimately adds nothing except for the occasional insipid, head-scratching comment (Studio 57? "Early" Aerosmith?). Every week the show runs over time, and manages to do LESS with the allotted time than previous incarnations of the show. How is this even possible? Take last night for example. Traditionally, the top 3 have performed 3 songs (their choice, judges choice and Clive Davis choice), and managed to fit in 9 songs. Instead, we had each contestant do 2 songs (their choice, judges choice) for a total of 6 performances, and they not only ran the additional 4 minutes over that my TiVo indicated, but yet another minute after that! All so we could watch MORE of the interminable and content-free squawking between the panel of "judges," 75% of whom can't use the English language with any degree of clarity? REALLY? How the hell can this be happening week after week, without heads rolling down the halls of FOX and 19 Entertainment?

Sheesh.

As for the performances themselves, let's just say I was underwhelmed.

The Douchebag didn't melt any brains with his off key shrieking this week, but he did a passable version of Paula's choice of an obscure Terrance Trent D'Arby song, and did a predictable and schmaltzy "You Are So Beautiful."

Kris did what he could with Randara's choice (and then they criticized him for how he performed it) save for a bad falsetto, and actually offered the best performance of the night, an autotuneless version of a Kanye West song (as I twittered last night, how does one interpret Kanye WITHOUT USING ALL CAPS?).

And presumed winner Adam was very solid with Simon's choice of "One," but then disappointingly chose and screamed his way through the "early" Aerosmith song "Crying." There were rumors Simon was going to give Adam Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game," which would have been much, much better. (I would have loved to hear him do "Solitary Man," also from Isaak).

Obviously, the final two should be Adam and Kris, and according to DialIdol this morning, it looks like America agrees by a slight margin.

No matter who the final two are, we have one more "performance" show to cope with next week, and we'll see if they can actually fit in some "singing" (because you know, this is a "singing competition," or so I've heard from the morons at the desk) between the inane banter.

Regardless of who wins, the producers need to do a full housecleaning on the staff in the offseason, and offer a contrite, apologetic mea culpa to the audience for the abject fuckery with which the show has been run this season.

Nothin but a "Whole Lotta Love" for Adam (Idol Top 4)

Welcome to Rock Night. Slash is the guest mentor.

There are rumors that Idol will shake things up tonight, and have the Idolettes perform duets with each other. On the surface, this seems kind of interesting. How will they choose a song that complements both voices and styles? Who will be paired up? How will they flash the phone numbers? How will the judges evaluate the performances? However, as I think about it, it seems less like an “interesting idea,” and more like the producers just throwing up their arms and saying “fuck it. We can’t bring a show in on time anymore, so we’re going to short shrift the performers.” For example, last week, in the Top 5, we only had one performance each, when historically, the Top 5 has had a chance to do two songs each. Because of their gross incompetence, TPTB decided to cut that down to one song each, and inexplicably found a way to run over the allotted time. Now, with only 4 performers, they STILL can’t find a way to fit in 8 songs? SHAMEFUL. Can’t they make the judges be succinct? Or just eliminate anything Randy says? Cut Ryan’s preshow blabber? Nix the sitting on the chair pre-clip, pre-performance banter? This is the biggest show on television, and now it runs with the operational efficiency of a post office staffed by lethargic zombies? The blood boils.

I guess we'll see how it all works. On with the show.

Adam bats leadoff with "Whole Lotta Love". How did they clear that? What a great choice for him. What range. Few people can credibly pull off Robert Plant in full wailing, swaggering Rock God mode, and damned if he doesn’t do it. He fucking kills it. One of the few performances I’ve gone back and rewound a few times. Perfect. 10

Allison is up next with "Cry Baby". Another good choice, going with Janis. (I guess she doesn't have the same problems getting rights as Jenna Maroni). Allison is wonderful and this is right in her wheelhouse, but how can anything be something other than a tiny bit of a letdown after Adam? Still, this is very, very good, and limited only by the nature of the song. (And she gets a little adorably feisty with Simon too, bless her). Her other choice was "Somebody to Love". Simon was thinking of the Queen version, which would have been a good selection, but Allison was considering the Jefferson Airplane tune, which I wish she would have done, actually. 8.5

Here's our first duet with Kris and Danny doing "Renegade". Great songs tonight. Did they fuck up the lyrics? All in all, not a bad rendition, but neither one of these guys has a natural connection to swaggering 70s classic rock. Danny is a little better here, but in the big scheme of things, does it matter? No phone numbers are flashed, and this is just entertaining filler at this point. Speaking of which, if you want to see a good use of this song, check out this video, which is the last scene of the Supernatural episode “Nightshifters:”



Kris is up third with "Come Together". Good choice of band for Kris. But he's no Lennon or McCartney. He's just in that Jason Mraz/Jack Johnson coffeehouse niche and that's his thing. Plus, I still have fond memories of Carly Smithson doing a much better job with the same song last year. Not bad. 6

Danny does the last of the solos with "Dream On". Danny sounds on key and restrained during the opening, quiet parts of the song. Slash said it would come down to “the scream,” and he was right. Danny is no Steven Tyler. Or Adam Lambert. Or based on that scream, no bucketful of cutlery dropped into a blender. Ye gods, that was awful. And then, he has the fucking temerity to get a little haughty with the judges? Are you kidding me? I wasn’t crazy about Kris’s performance, but based on this, it is GO for Gokey time. 4

Second tangential video of the day, an ESPN piece they produced at the turn of the century set to the same song. If you’re a sports fan, and this doesn’t give you chillbumps, I don’t know what will.



Now for the duet I've been waiting for, Adam and Allison doing…..Foghat? Really? Not the most inspired choice of songs, but they absolutely kill it. They are so sweet together, and the chemistry and generosity between them stands in stark contrast to the Kris / Danny performance from earlier. Hopefully, when the voting opens, fans will remember Allison here, and realize she deserves to continue.

I enjoyed rock night, but fuck me with a chainsaw, they ran over time AGAIN. Not with 10 songs, or even 8 songs. With 6 fucking songs (and two that were "superfluous" to the voting), and I still managed to miss (for the time being – thanks FOX on demand!) a pivotal ending scene on Fringe. Take the producers out behind a shed, along with Danny, and shoot them.

The most obvious rankings EVER:

TNRLM Top 2: Adam, Allison

TNRLM Bottom 2: Danny, Kris

Did Frank Sinatra star in "Booty Call?" (Idol Top 5)

Here we are with "Rat Pack" night on Idol, and once again, the theme is interpreted "loosely," as not all the songs were explicitly performed by Frank, Dean or Sammy (or fortunately, by Joey Bishop or Peter Lawford). But I love this night on Idol, no matter if they call it "swing" or "great American songbook" or "standards." Call me old fashioned, but if I had to be trapped on a desert island with only one genre of music, this would be it. So how did the Idolettes do?

Before we start, a few thoughts:

• Wow, it was nice of Simon to wear his "formal" black t shirt.
• Allison looks great, and not like she was auditioning for the inevitable Jetsons remake by way of Pretty in Pink.
• Jamie Foxx as the surprise mentor? Not in time to save The Soloist, I'm afraid. And I can't decide whether or not I actually like him. He gives some very good performances, but he seems like a raging, self-absorbed egomaniac. And he's tied to the stylings of the Chairman and gang how? Because he sings and acts, too?
• Don't the Top 5 usually perform two songs? Has the production become such an off schedule trainwreck that they can't work in two performances each? Certainly the theme would allow for a depth and breadth of choices.

Kris leads off with "The Way You Look Tonight." He starts like usually does, kinda somnambulent, then hits an awful falsetto note and finally picks it up for the end. Not great, not terrible, and he does his usual, low key thing. I guess he isn’t trying to be in the “Throat Olympics?” 7

Allison will do "Someone to Watch Over Me." How can you not love that performance? Will it win over people who thought she was "too rock?" She was emotional and mature and in great voice. She's definitely got the pipes to continue, and I hope Amercia picks up on that this week. I see what Simon is saying about her stage presence, but I like her humility and lack of braying narcissism. 8.5

Matt comes out with "My Funny Valentine." Just okay for me. Little breathy. He sounds like Matt always does, trying to throw in some R&B and little vocal runs, mainly to mask his inability to stay continuously on pitch. Not crazy about this one. 5

Danny is performing "Come Rain or Come Shine." Why is Jamie Foxx "up in his grill?" What does Michael Mann have to do with the Rat Pack? At first, it sounds like he was drowned out a bit by the band. But the tempo picks up, Danny does the song in strong voice, and has the "right" amount of swagger, without overdoing it. He sounds good singing these types of songs. 8

Adam gets the pimp slot, and as you might expect, doesn't let us down, with "Feeling Good." I LOVE this song. Awesome. There's a little bit of everything in there. Theatrical and over the top? Yep. Entertaining and powerful? Yep. A glory note to break glass, deafen canines and bring the crowd to its feet? Yep. And Kara, who is extra cleavagy and coherent tonight, put it thusly: "Confusing shocking sleazy superb way over the top I like you." 9

TNRLM TOP 2: Adam, Allison

TNRLM BOTTOM 2: Matt, Kris

That's not quite how I remember the 70s - Disco Night, Idol Top 7 (again)

Hey, we’re back with 7 contestants, just like last week! Only this time, the gimmicky “judges’ save” is gone, and two of these folks are packing their bags tomorrow. I don’t mind the concept of the “save,” and it mixes up the formula a bit. It was also a bit like showing a gun in the first act, in that if they have this save, and didn’t use it at some point, all the critics would jump all over the show for a failed “innovation.” So they had to use it, and it was either last week, with a fairly likable and competent performer, or let it stretch to this week, when they would have to use it or lose it (and who knows who the designated castoff would be?). They might regret it if one of their favorites is in danger this week. Anyway, if that means I get to hear 7 disco songs this week instead of 6, then hell yes, I’m all for it, because I LOVE DISCO. There, I said it. I’ve never pretended to be a tragic music hipster, who looks down his nose at any music that was ever popular. I grew up in this era, and both my parents adored the genre and played it all the time. So I’m really looking forward tonight. And as a bonus, I’m sure we won’t get stuck with 7 Bryan Adams songs, or the continuing onslaught of treacly, sappy ballads that this crowd seems to gravitate toward. How the hell can you be boring and downtempo on fucking disco night? Let’s get funky, babies.

Lil bats leadoff with “I’m Every Woman.” (And who started the stylistic convention where you quote AND capitalize every word in a TV episode or song? Annoying when you’ve been drinking). On the surface, this would seem to be a good song choice for her, but through the first half of the song, all I can hear is the band and the backup singers. The ongoing debate between Lil and the judges had been for her to do some R&B “diva” songs, and this certainly qualifies (Chaka KHAN!), but that was just a lackluster performance of a good tune. She seemed more concerned with the “come ons!” to the audience and the big notes, and never quite grasped the melody or pitch. I’m sure she’ll argue about it with our cast of four (thank Zeus it’s not the 2+2 travesty of last week), but it’s an argument she won’t win. And Ryan gives her the chance to! Unbelievable, and she’s wrong-headedly defiant to the end. Mercifully for her, and us, this should be her last week. 4

Anyone else think that Angels & Demons looks interesting? I read the Dan Brown books, and while they weren’t Faulkner, they were page turning airplane pulp reading. I thought the first book (that this movie is based upon) was the better of the two. And Tom Hanks went to Great Clips.

Here we have Kris, who will be doing “She Works Hard for the Money.” Which I always remember Donna Summer performing with a guitar. Kris thinks it has a “good message,” about a hard working woman. So are we talking about a waitress, or a hooker here? They both, I guess, serve up a slice of pie. I can’t wait to hear his earnest, coffeehouse version of “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp.” He does a really different, and interesting, arrangement that has bongos and a Caribbean flavor to it. Very smooth and heartfelt. It doesn’t satisfy my jones for 100% pure uncut disco, but all in all, a unique take on the song, a good vocal and a good performance. 8

Gokey will be performing “September.” Did his wife die in September, or did Earth, Wind and Fire not do a song about a dead spouse? He was in fine vocal form on this one, even if the band/backup overwhelmed him at times, and he toned down the Taylor Hicks spasmodic seizure dancing. He was on pitch and energetic, and I liked that one. 7

Allison is dipping into the Donna Summer well again, turning “Hot Stuff” into a slow building rocker. Not your traditional take on the tune, but it showcases what the little powerhouse can bring. Great vocal on the song, full of smoky timbre and attitude, and right in her wheelhouse. It felt like a slightly more upbeat “Black Velvet.” Very nice. 8

The unquestioned frontrunner, Adam, is up next with “If I Can’t Have You,” another of my favorite disco tracks from back in the day. He keeps with the theme of the night, turning our mirror ball, bell bottomed favorites into something entirely different, this time, a plaintive torch song. He gets the hurt, sensitive yearning part of the song, and also picks up and wails on it. It’s a sincere, brilliant performance. The judges fall all over themselves (as they should), and Adam even manages to win further brownie points for humility by giving a shout out to the arranger. Just fantastic. 9

Matt, freshly saved from last week, will be giving us “Staying Alive.” He tosses the classic disco arrangement with his usual Timberfake sauce, and hits a few falsetto notes and gives some desperate energy to it. Is it great? Uh, no. Is it passable? It’s decent. (If you want a fun and different take on the song, check out the Ntrance version). Will it be enough for him to stay? I think it will mainly depend on how Anoop performs, because Lil is going home with somebody. 5

Anoop will close us out in the pimp spot, with yet another Donna Summer tune, this time “Dim All The Lights.” (That would be 43% Summer content, for those of you counting at home. Donna Summer is the new/old Bryan Adams!). I will give him credit for yet another original arrangement that sounds like an odd fusion of Cyndi Lauper and Paul Young. He hits most of the notes well, particularly in the more ballady section of the song, but it’s a bit underwhelming, and his final note is horribly off. Ouch. 5


TNRLM Top 3: Adam, Kris, Allison

TNRLM Bottom 3: Lil, Matt, Anoop

Has anyone checked out DialIdol this morning? What the fuckity fuck? While it’s not clear cut that Kris and Allison are definitively in the bottom two and going home, if that turns out to be the result, America should storm the judges’ table with torches and pitchforks for wasting a “save” on Matt last week, when two of the better contestants could wind up axed.

Welcome to "At The Movies," with Roger Ebert and Bryan Adams (Idol Top 7)

Here we are with American Idol, and music from the movies, with guest mentor Quentin Tarantino. Will the song selections be as uninspiring (Celine, Whitney, “Against All Odds”) as I expect, or will some of the contestants pleasantly surprise? Will QT, whose every movie I have in my DVD collection, be as annoying in front of the camera (as he usually is) as he is good behind it? Will they thoughtlessly go over the allotted time and cut into Fringe, like they unconscionably did last week? Will, as I suggested on Twitter, someone do “Stuck in the Middle with You,” and cut off Randy’s ear live on national television? (We can only hope)

We shall see. On with the show.

Allison bats lead off, with “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing,” from Armageddon. I love Allison, but I’m not a huge fan of the song. Still, she delivers it with some restraint (where needed) and panache. She appears more comfortable on stage, and hits the notes. Great start for her. 8

Note: evidently, under fear of backlash from angry Fringe fans, they are limiting the judges’ comments after each performance to just two. Can we make it just Simon and one of the others each time? Pretty please?

Next is Anoop, who will do “Everything I Do, I Do For You,” a sappy Bryan Adams ballad (Robin Scherbatsky will be happy!) from Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves (which I actually own, if only for the plucky and underrated Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio and, of course, Alan Rickman’s Sheriff of Nottingham. Not for Kevin Costner’s accent, obviously). QT tells him to “rough it up a bit.” Though he doesn’t take QT’s advice, because none of these Idolettes listen to a fucking thing anyone says, that’s the best Anoop has been in a long time. He delivers a very controlled, vocally on spot performance. But what was he wearing? It looks like a letterman’s jacket fucked a sportcoat and spawned. 8

The frontrunner, Adam, will perform Steppenwolf’s AOR staple, “Born to be Wild” from Easy Rider. Again, with Adam, a song choice that on the surface seems to reek of Gouda, but he’s always mixed it up in interesting and surprising ways. Well, that was fun. Adam sounded like the bastard love child of Axl Rose and Freddy Mercury, with all the requisite theatricality and campy pleasures. Man, he can shriek, and shriek well. That will be tough to top, and at this point, we can go ahead and start engraving the trophy. 9.5

Matt will be doing another Bryan Adams song (somewhere along the way, Bryan Adams has become Kenny Loggins) from Don Juan DeMarco, “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman.” Timberfake takes a song that had Spanish flavorings, puts it through his R&B blender, and the result is a smoothie full of bland. He’s just not connecting with anyone, and his time could be up. (And what is Simon doing while Kara is commenting? Is that is version of “spit it out, woman?”) 5

Gokey will be going spec-free, and doing “Endless Love,” a delightful ode to statutory rape. (I don’t think I have to tell you what movie that’s from). Just kidding. Laws may vary in your locale. And does anyone remember Brooke Shields’ costar from that movie? No? (Martin Hewitt). This is a relatively classy and spare arrangement, and Gokey is much better on the bigger notes, but no one is going to forget Lionel Richie. And of course, no one is going to forget the dead wife, as he looks heavenward as the tune ends. This is the worst performance I’ve seen him give. Was he off key to start? 4

Two quick asides: First, I can’t watch the new Star Trek trailers enough. This movie is going to melt my warp core. Second, QT is doing one of the better mentor jobs of the recent past, even if (like usual) no one listens to him. Though he is currently filming a war movie set in Nazi Germany, I think he may have looked too much at the Fuhrer for his current hair stylings.

Here we go with Kris, who will be singing “Falling Slowly,” from Once. (Didn’t those crazy kids break up in real life? Is that a good sign?) It’s a beautiful song, and Kris shows some very earnest sincerity in delivering it. But it’s not a totally compelling performance, and he’s a little pitchy and scratchy in hitting some of the notes. 5

Lil will be doing “The Rose,” from Weekend at Bernie’s. She starts it out in the familiar fashion, and then transitions it into a gospel arrangement. It’s not as spectacular as she thinks it is, and she can’t really decide what type of tune it wants to be. Paula babbles on about something, and Simon is visibly rolling his eyes and frustrated, because he doesn’t have his secret Rainbows And Unicorns Decoder Ring (I’m with him on this one). Then, Lil wants to cut into Fringe time to backtalk Simon ONCE AGAIN. Can we please add her to The Bride’s list, just after Budd? 3


All in all, I felt like I was at a prom or a wedding. Either the song choices are far more limited than we know, or these kids have no awareness of tunes from movies. (“Hey, Tarantino is a guest mentor, and his flicks always have great soundtracks, so let’s pick a song from…..what….Bryan Adams isn’t on the soundtrack to Reservoir Dogs? Oh well….”) Wouldn’t it have made sense to get QT more involved in the selection process? Surely he wouldn’t have selected disc 2 from Bryan Adams Greatest Hits. I’d much rather see 10 – 15 minutes of discussion and debate over song choices than anything Randy, Paula or Kara had to say (did someone point Paula toward wikiquote.org before the show?). And that judging thing was unbelievable. Whoever is responsible for the pacing of the show (director? producer?) should be shot. They limited the judges commentary severely, and STILL couldn’t bring it in on time. I understand the desire to add a fourth judge, either to season a replacement for Randy or Paula, or to bring the balance of the panel who can speak coherent English to 50/50, but the experiment is not working. I give ‘em credit for trying something new, but if you’re going to do this “only time for two” thing, then Simon ALWAYS has to be one of the two. I seriously doubt there would be any great public outcry if the commentary of the non-Simon judges was limited.


TNRLM Top 3: Adam, Anoop, Allison

TNRLM Bottom 3: Lil, Danny, Matt

I'll take potpourri for $5,700, Alex

The deleted Twilight scene. Ha!

The 10 Ugliest baseball unis of the 70s. Shield your eyes.

10 Funniest Freudian slips on TV. It's a good watch, and all the clips are short and to the point. (Trivia: the lovely lady who says "cock" in #5 is the wife of the current NFL commissioner).

TV Guides claims these are the 20 greatest TV catchphrases.

The best minor league baseball promotion ever. Matt Foley would be proud.

Bryan Fuller fesses up about why Heroes blew. (Blows?)

Oh, Boy! Scott Bakula talks about the 20th anniversary of Quantum Leap. (And who knew that Chuck's General Beckman was married to Enterprise's Doctor Phlox?)

I twittered this, but it's too funny not to reference again: Joe Cocker. Translated with subtitles.

Iowa uses common sense, and some conservatives think it's hard to be "Christian" in public now. So sorry about the potential public scorn directed at bigotry. Sullivan reacts here. The American Spectator calls equal marriage rights "a hill to die on." And what does this mean, politically, to the evangelical right?

100 classic movie lines in 200 seconds.

10 characters Zooey Deschanel should have played.

First Taun Taun sleeping bags, and now this? Why wasn't I a geek child in this era?

Why didn't he just pray, and have god magically fix it so he doesn't look like an al dente noodle in a windstorm in slow motion?

Chicago Trib looks at why NCIS is so appealing. It's weird, I feel the same way. I was looking for an "easy" procedural to watch when I was going to bed, and my TiVo recommended NCIS. I had never given it much thought, but started watching thanks to the USA repeats, and next thing you know, I had seen every episode. At first, you're a little nonchalant and incredulous. How long will Ducky's stories go on? How much can Gibbs glower? What's with the boat in the basement? Is Tony going to shamelessly flirt and quote movies in every episode? Is McGee Neo? Israeli to English doesn't really result in those kinds of malaprops, does it? Is this the sunniest and least hardcore goth chick ever? But after a while, you just come to welcome these characters onto your TV. Yeah, it's kind of square, but oddly addicting.

Zap2It looks at 10 good questions in preparation for tonight's Lost (though I don't think we'll get them all answered, of course).

10 "Wives Tales" debunked.

Greatest One Hit Wonders of the 80s 60 - 41

The preamble:

As I go through the One Hit Wonder countdown, I'll offer some thoughts on the song, video or anything else that pops into my head. Also, I'll examine my iTunes library and indicate if I already have the song there (H), will be downloading it (Y) or will make like Nancy Reagan, and just say no (N). Feel free to chime in with any of your personal remembrances or anecdotes as we jump into the Wayback Machine with Sherman and Mr. Peabody.

100 - 81
80 - 61

60 Nu Shooz “I Can’t Wait”
An very catchy dance track from the 80s. (Although are they really "one hit?" They did have "Point of No Return" on the charts, too). H

59 The Outfield “Your Love”
“Josie’s on a vacation far away.” Who didn’t sing along to that when it came on the radio back the day? An absolutely perfect pop song of the era. Y

58 Don Johnson “Heartbeat”
What was worse, this song or his marriage to Melanie Griffith? Or Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man, the sinkhole of which Mickey Rourke is only now escaping (though the boxing, the babes, the drugs, the surgery might have played a role, too, so we can't blame it all on Sonny Crockett). If you’re gonna have a star trip vanity recording, at least get fucked up in the studio with Rick James (bitch), a la #80 on this list. N

57 Jermaine Stewart “We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off”
I had a girlfriend in college who loved this song, and we used to dance to it all the time. She thought it was making a point, as she wanted to “save herself for marriage.” Well, after a “drink and drown” night at O’Malley’s, we didn’t listen to it to much anymore. N

56 Til Tuesday “Voices Carry”
Great song and video. Aimee Mann is still making music (the awesome Magnolia soundtrack, for example) and even showed up on an episode of Buffy. (speaking of which, the douchebag boyfriend in this video looks like a young James Marsters). H

55 Johnny Kemp “Just Got Paid”
I vaguely recall this song from college. I think one of my exes was still in high school, giving this song a somewhat different meaning. N

54 Chris DeBurgh “Lady in Red”
Wow, you couldn’t escape this schmaltz on MTV, or anywhere, for that matter. I remember that his “Don’t Pay the Ferryman” was one of the first handful of videos I saw on the channel. Back when they played videos. N

53 Taco “Puttin’ On the Ritz”
How in the world was this a hit in the 80s? A eurosynth version of a 1929 Irving Berlin tune? Of course, I always think of this, which is much better. Y

52 Mary Jane Girls “In My House”
Someone else benefiting from the Rich James (bitch) touch. At first, I thought they may have been named after the shoes or Peter Parker’s girlfriend. I was kinda naive back then, and there wasn’t an urban dictionary readily accessible on the not yet invented internet via my not yet invented blackberry. Of course, once I got to college, I understood all that perfectly. Spider-man’s chick my ass. Y

51 After the Fire “Der Kommissar”
Another one of those head scratchers. An English band, takes a German song by Falco, and gets an inescapable top 40 hit. Although with lyrics like “zhuh, zhuh” and “cha! cha! cha!” you probably could have predicted that. N

50 Neneh Cherry “Buffalo Stance”
I never really understood what the hell this was about. Did it have to do with chicken wings? Maybe wobbling like Jim Kelly coming out of bar at closing time? (True story: on a trip back from Buffalo a few years ago, I was sitting next Jim Kelly in first class. Between the two of us, I think we knocked back the entire drink cart on a two hour flight. Seemed like a nice guy. He asked me how to make his computer play movies. He wasn’t the brightest bulb on the string of xmas lights). An ode to native American hunting? N

49 Philip Bailey (w/ Phil Collins) “Easy Lover”
I saw Earth Wind and Fire a few years ago in concert, and Philip Bailey still has a remarkable voice. I’m sure the girl this song was written about was flattered. H

48 Yello “Oh Yeah”
Another WTF song on its surface, that everyone now knows as “The Ferris Bueller Song.” How do you ever do anything after this? N

47 Pretty Poison “Catch Me I’m Falling”
I remember the song, and being mesmerized by the big haired, red headed hottie in the video. N

46 Georgia Satellites “Keep Your Hands To Yourself”
Fun, catchy, and doing absolutely nothing to dispel stereotypes about my home state. N

45 Robbie Nevil “C’est La Vie”
I had forgotten all about this one. Good little pop song. Robbie later went on to write the theme song to Hannah Montana. Y

44 Wall of Voodoo “Mexican Radio”
Besides the ultra disturbing image of a face emerging out of beans in the video (and I think there were a few, trippy late night visits to Krystal when I thought this may happen at any second and had to be talked down from the ledge), this was a classic college radio tune. H

43 Shannon “Let the Music Play”
It’s odd when your name appears in popular music. I wish my namesake had done something more iconic than a standard 80s dance tune. Of course, Del Shannon did “Runaway.” And there was that song “Shannon” about a dead dog. Too bad my parents didn’t name me “Gloria.” Or “Mack the Knife.” N

42 Timbuk 3 “The Future’s So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades”
If iPods and digital downloads had been around in college, I could have saved $8 and just bought the single, instead of the whole cassette. I could use that $8 now. Y

41 Billy Vera “At This Moment”
One of those “torch songs” that seems to have escaped from one era and found its way into another. Based on the airplay and Alex P. Keaton connection, I thought this would have rated much higher on the list. Also, how cool is this: Billy Vera appeared in the cult classic "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension." Y

Did everyone spend the fucking 80s in an elevator?

Here we are with this week’s Idol, and the theme is “songs from the year you were born.” Other than serving to make me feel like I should be carbon dated, I’m actually looking forward to this, since I’m sure all these kiddies were born in the 80s. And if you’re reading this here blog, you’ll know that the 80s are, like, you know, my mostest favorite decade. (Of course, I am suffering from a little Fringe withdrawal, so if this gets too tedious with bad song choices, then I may just fast forward through it and get on with the business of watching Peter crack wise and Walter obsess about snack foods and talk to his cow).

Anyhoo….here we go:

Is it just me, or is Kara looking hotter and hotter each week?

Danny bats lead off, having been born in 1980 (I think they’re going oldest to youngest? Does this mean Allison will finally get some Idol love and be in the pimp spot?). He’ll be kinda cheating, performing “Stand By Me,” since Mickey Gilley did a remake of the classic Ben E. King song for the Urban Cowboy soundtrack. (I have fond memories of that soundtrack, listening to it with some friends while learning how to play poker). In a way, it’s a double “cheat,” much like the finale of Life On Mars was a dream within a dream within a hyperspace slumber, because Gokey sounds nothing like Ben E. King nor Mickey Gilley. Rather, he sounds like he’s doing the adult contemporary version of “Stand By Me” that would play in a Disney off Broadway musical adaptation of Urban Cowboy that doesn’t feature Scott Glenn in a tight mesh shirt or Deborah Winger getting fucked. Sigh. I know the Ghoulish Widower gets a lot grief, but since I missed a lot of the early backstory, I’ve been impressed with him thus far. However, this was not one of those nights. I thought he overreached with the schmaltziness (interesting side note, my spell checker didn’t blink at “schmaltziness”) of the arrangement, and it was totally uninteresting and made me long for either of the two popular versions. The judges seem to love it. 5 for me.

Kris, who is beginning to grow on me, is up next with 1985’s “All She Wants to Do is Dance.” (Sigh. I think there will be a lot of “sighs” during this hour. He said he wanted to grow up to be a taxi driver. I would be more interested if he said he wanted to grow up to be Taxi Driver, AKA Travis Bickle, and have crushes on Cybill Sheppard and Jodie Foster and kill random members of the dark underbelly of New York. But I think he was speaking more of being a hack, and we’ll see if that turns into “hackery” for the song. Also, in 1985, I think I discovered the hooka). What are these people doing to my beloved 80s music? This sounds like Don Henley by way of Jamoroquai, on Jamoroquai’s worst day. (and I say that loving a good number of Jamoroquai tunes). He goes away from the James Taylorish drivel, but Kara hits it on the head, saying that it sounds like someone gave him “jazz funk” homework. Decent, at best, vocals, and an ass arrangement. 4

Next we have Lil, with Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got to do With It” from 1984 (I guess we’re not going in chronological order). Finally, something in her wheelhouse that I can see her performing well, that doesn’t take the shouty train on the shouty tracks, all the way to shouty town and put her up in the shouty suite at the shouty inn. Well, that was just okay. And still shouty. And when she wasn’t shouty, she was taking deep breaths, getting ready to shout. There was no nuance or subtlety to that, and it was just a pale, pale imitation of Tina. (And Paula – PAULA! – makes sense). The judges, since I’ve been watching, keep talking about Lil’s potential, but since I’m on board since only the top 13, I haven’t seen it. 3

Anoop is up next, first apologizing (not too eloquently) for being a petulant twat last week. He was born in 1986, and will be doing “True Colors,” one of my least favorite and most overplayed songs of the decade. Sigh. Is Fringe on yet? He gives a very restrained, controlled version of the song that’s not unpleasant. It’s faint praise to call this the best of the night thus far. 6

Scott was born in 1985, and will be doing “The Search is Over.” Fuck, these people are raping my memories of the 80s. Did I TiVo through the beginning, when they said the theme was “music from the year of your birth, that’s only played in elevators and dentists' offices?” Jesus Adult Contemporary Christ. And what does it take to make you appreciate the lead vocalist of Survivor? This was a mess, and he couldn’t hit the notes he needed to. I will give Scott credit for being personable and funny, even if his continued presence on the show is dragging it down. Terrible. 2

Allison was born in 1992 (I’m Ooooooooold!), and will be performing “I Can’t Make You Love Me.” Aw, as Gob Bluth would say, COME ON! Did the parents of all these contestants, for the first year of their lives, keep them in a tiny sealed chamber that only piped in Muzak? I mean, this is a decent song from a really good album, but there’s a sameness to everything I’m hearing this evening that feels like I’m sitting in a waiting room in Hell. On one hand, it’s a decent choice for Allison, whose “rocker chick” schtick frequently gets (unfairly) ignored by the judges, and I understand the desire to show them something different. It’s an engaging performance, and one with restraint and color, but it leaves me with a decided, but appreciative, “meh.” 7

Matt was born in 1985, and will be giving us the gift of “Part Time Lovers.” SIGH. Does no one remember the dawning and dominance of early MTV? The English new wave? The rise of pop-tinged hair metal? The cultural incursions into the top 40 and public consciousness made by “alternative” bands? Fuck, almost ANY song from that list of Top One Hit Wonders of the 80s would be preferable to the seven choices I’ve seen here tonight. Matt does a decent job with his Timberfake, whitewashed Stevie Wonder, but he’s overly enamored with his supposed “blue eyed soul” to the point that I can’t enjoy it. (It’s like the Life On Mars thing again; he’s thinking he’s doing a white guy, doing a white guy, doing soul. If you want to hear real blue eyed soul from the 80s, check out Daryl Hall, Paul Carrack, Boz Scaggs, Paul Young or any number of artists). 6

Adam is in the pimp spot, and let’s PRAY that one of these folks has an interesting song choice.

HOLY SHIT. I’ve come to the end of the recorded program, and NO ADAM. Fortunately, I’ve TiVo’d this AND Fringe, so I’ll get to see what he does, but what about the rest of America, who might not have recorded the much better program? Will this be a controversy? I don’t expect that Adam, no matter what he does, will be in the Bottom 3, but it will prove interesting to see what the producers do with this development. Has this happened before?

Adam was born in 1982, and will be doing “Mad Love,” a Tears for Fear song that I LOVE both in its original TFF incarnation, and in the Gary Jules version from Donnie Darko. I had hoped for something more fun, upbeat and 80s kitsch, but this will hopefully cleanse the pallet after being trapped in an elevator for an hour. Great choice by Adam, and a heartfelt and extraordinarily well performed version of the song. Best of the night, by a long shot. Bravo, dude. 9


TNRLM Top 3: Adam, Allison, Anoop

TNRLM Bottom 3: Scott, Lil, Kris