I'll take potpourri for $2,500, Alex

Science proves that "beer goggles" are real. Everyone who went to college goes "duh."

It seems like every week, I find some reference to a retro toy and say, "yeah, I had that one too." Here's an Enterprise bridge playset from 1975. What's odd, is that this would have never happened in today's marketing climate. Can you see some guy sitting a board room, and saying "Let's introduce a line of action figures for kids based on a TV show that got canceled 3 years ago!" When I was a kid, my dad was indifferent to the gazillions of action figures I had (except maybe the early, militarily "accurate" GI Joes), but he took a noted interest in all the Trek toys. I definitely credit Sam for inspiring and encouraging my Trek fandom.

This sounds like a winner. Alien abduction story by underpraised director Whit Stillman? Cool.

I never realized this. Longtime character actor Matt Winston (Enterprise, John From Cincinnati) is the son of recently departed special effects pioneer and guru Stan Winston.

Sadly, this would attract me, too. As would the t-shirt they reference.

TRON's lightcycle race Sweded. Astonishingly effective.

For those who haven't yet become part of the Lost cult, here's your chance. Skiffy will begin airing the show from the beginning in Monday night 4 hour blocks, starting September 15.

CBS wants all the SEC it can get.

How many of the most common 100 English language words can you guess in 5 minutes? (I only got 35).

The Woodman talks about 12 of his previous flicks.

Awesome movie quiz. Guess the flick by poster font. (I got 38).

Awwww. Loyal dog story. (I'll fill up the feeder and fountain, and empty the litterbox and send out a twitter message before I decide to end it all).

So Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip didn't work because of post 9/11 anger? And I always thought it was because we had kidnapping and hostage stories in a show about TV sketch comedy show. And because it wasn't funny. Here was my take on the initial pitch meeting with the NBC execs. Despite all of Sorkin's misguided pomposity, I still have an undying love for SportsNight.

Robert Downey Jr. is a Marvel "company man." Fuck DC Comics.

This makes me sport wood.

A guide to all the pop-culture references from last Monday's episode of the best show you're not watching. (and I mean "you're" as in Nielsen families, apparently. Not brilliant readers of TNRLM, who I'm sure have taken my exhortations to heart and regularly tune in). And a critic makes the case for this unique, wonderful show.

Sadly, I've known vapid, hypocritical skanks like this, too.

And people say that West Virginia is full of backwards, uneducated hicks. Yeah, the DMV is a circle of Hell, but this is just stupefyingly asinine.

Sigh. Why can't the government let you keep more of you own money, regardless of whether or not you subject the world to a mewling infant?

Any chance this won't suck?

Play Star Trek, 20 Questions.

An awesome Fred / Illyria image.

A very good analysis of Mad Men's "The Benefactor."

Darth Vader and stormtroopers do "Thriller." And Boba Fett does Flashdance.

How Studio 60 Started

NBC Conference room. Sitting at the table is the network head of programming. In walks Mel Torkelson, slightly disheveled genius, to pitch his new idea for a show.

Exec: Mel, good to see you again.

Mel: Good to see you.

Exec: So what have you got for us? What's the pitch?

Mel: Not to start off combative or anything, but I resent the term "pitch."

Exec: But that's what we do here. Surely you know this. We're trying to line up some pilots for the fall season.

Mel: Let's get this straight. I have a great show all mapped out. I came here, to this network, out of respect for how you supported The West Wing. I could have gone to any of the networks, any of the basic cable outfits, or any of the pay cable channels, and they would have given me a two year commitment sight unseen. I'm here to find out exactly how many Emmys you want.

Exec: Late night last night?

Mel: What?

Exec: Nevermind. Tell me about the show.

Mel: It's a behind the scenes dramedy.

Exec: Sounds familiar.

Mel: At a late night comedy show. Like SNL.

Exec: We already have one of those in development. With Tina Fey, who was the head writer at SNL.

Mel: But that's a sitcom, isn't it?

Exec: Yes, it is. But it's a single camera, no laugh track deal. Looks very promising.

Mel: But how do you expect to comment on the inner workings of government, the political divides in this country, the struggle of reason against faith, the pursuit of art in the face of commerce and the gripping drama of substance abuse in 30 damned minutes?

Exec: We don't. We're trying to make people laugh.

Mel: Oh. Okay. Sure, that has its place and purpose. But this show will be filled with laughs, too. After all, it's about a comedy show. But it will also enlighten and educate. And bring you more Emmys than you have shelf space for.

Exec: Tell me more.

Mel: The two lead characters will be the head writer and the producer of the show. The writer is a brilliant guy. Bit of a pill popper, but nothing he can't handle. He'll have an on-again, off-again relationship with the lead actress on the show, a gifted comedienne who is sort of his muse. But here's the deal with that. Despite being sexy as all get out and brilliant in her own right, she's a born again Christian conservative. So there's lots of fertile material to play there. She'll try to get everyone to pray, and the cast will look at her like she's crazy. She'll object to the racy or liberal sketches, and basically be a voice for those nuts in flyover country. She's an up and coming star, so she'll be tempted to whore it up in Maxim, but God will talk her out of it. Good stuff. The producer is brilliant director, and concerned with putting the best show on he can, ratings and network notes be damned. And he's got a substance abuse problem. And he's a bit of a stalker.

Exec: Doesn't sound very funny, Mel.

Mel: Are you kidding me? We can play that whole "will they or won't they" game with the writer and his actress out for months. Lots of opportunities for snappy dialogue walking down halls. And the idea of a blonde, sexy, multitalented actress in Hollywood who is actually a god-fearing reactionary is just inherently funny.

Exec: Sounds a lot like Kristen Chen-

Mel: Not it's not. Totally different. My character, Harriet, is taller. Much taller.

Exec: So is she with the writer?

Mel: Yes and no. We won't reveal all this right away, because we'll peel back layers over the onion over time in sidesplitting flashbacks. But in the beginning, the writer was just a staff writer, but obviously brilliant and talented and principled. He'll start to shine as he recognizes his attraction to the actress and she inspires him to write good material for her. But he'll be shy about confessing his feelings for her, and she'll start sleeping with another writer, a hack who was happy when we bombed Afghanistan. They'll break up, and then she'll start sleeping with the brilliant writer, and they'll have lots of hilarious debates about politics and religion, but eventually break up over something silly, and still have to work together. Then, this hack writer who was on staff will leave and direct an edgy indie movie, and cast her as the lead. They'll start fucking again, but she'll eventually realize he's just a hack and still be attracted to the brilliant guy, who is now the show runner for the sketch comedy. Funny, right?

Exec: Uh, tell me about the producer.

Mel: Okay, he's best friends with the writer. He's been off directing movies, but gets in a bind when he fails a drug test for his latest flick and can't get insured. So he needs this SNL gig.

Exec: Two drug addicts? Isn't that a little much?

Mel: Have you looked around this fucking town? How do you think people handle the fucking pressure of putting out quality fucking product week after fucking week? This shit is life and death, and Emmys don't grow on trees, ya know. They come out of an eight-ball!

Exec: Mel…

Mel: I was just kidding there. Really, it just adds flavor to the characters, and gives them a chance to struggle with their demons. Actors love this stuff. As do Emmy voters. Anyway, the producer has to constantly fight with meddling network suits who only want to move a few boxes of cereal or some crap, and are always worried about the ratings and ad buys.

Exec: Well, Mel, the ratings and the cereal keep the shows on the air…

Mel: See what I fucking mean? It will be a weekly debate about the purity of art versus the evils of commerce, and the goddamned compromises our heroes are forced to stomach every single goddamned show just to sneak a little enlightenment and insight past the censors and execs. Plus, it's not about total ratings, anyway. What you want is the demo. That college educated, upscale, liberal demo. They buy things. They move the needle. They set the watercooler agenda.

Exec: (Sigh.) What about the sketches?

Mel: What about them?

Exec: Will they be funny?

Mel: Uh, sure. How hard is it to write sketches? Christ on a stick, it's much harder to write soapbox speech after soapbox speech and make it sound like naturalistic dialogue. How difficult is it get a laugh out of a 3 minute sketch?

Exec: Have you actually watched SNL in the last 10 years?

Mel: No, but I read that book about it. And we don't have to actually show any full sketches. We'll just tell the audience that our writer is brilliant and funny, and they'll get it. And besides, we can show parts of sketch, and have the actors do a funny voice or something. The sketches aren't the point, anyway. The drama, and the humor, and the pathos, will come from all the behind the scenes stuff, anyway. We'll have a pregnancy scare in the ER, some shallow whore who wants to put on more reality TV, a bomb scare in the studio, some stupid fucking bloggers who think their opinion matters. There's this bit with an animal wrangler, too, that just kills. And I have this whole long arc worked out about one of the cast's brother getting kidnapped by the Taliban and potentially being beheaded on live TV, and he'll have to struggle with letting our corrupt and incompetent military try to save him, or ponying up millions to let a private K&R firm rescue him, and…

Exec: K&R?

Mel: Kidnap and ransom, moron.

Exec: Yes, Mel, I know what K&R stands for. I'm just wondering what the hell this has to do with a late night sketch comedy show.

Mel: I told you. One of the actors has a brother who enlisted in army. And he was STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF AFGHANISTAN! And he gets captured during a routine mission by these freedom fighters…

Exec: Mel, I'm worried that it strays a little from the central premise.

Mel: Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Think outside the box. We're commenting on what's happening in the world, using television and this show as a vehicle to say something important. Don't you want this network to stand for something?

Exec: Well, the Law & Orders are getting a little long in the tooth.

Mel: Look. I'm not gonna beg, okay. I realize things got a little hairy toward the end of The West Wing, and I was going through this bad break up with this sexy, illogical zealot who just couldn't see things my way, but I'm all past that now. It won't inform the work we do here. It's a comedy show! Now I need a full season order, or I'm walking out that fucking door to another network and they'll greenlight me in a New York minute.

Exec: But it will be funny, right?

Mel: Funny as hell. And people will identify with and love these characters. And did I mention Emmys?

Exec: Okay, you have a go. We have a great lead in. A new show about superheroes. Looks very promising.

Mel: Superheroes? Is that the crap from the guy who did Crossing fucking Jordan? Are you kidding me? THAT is my lead in?

Exec: It's testing well.

Mel: Oh please. Who wants to watch that shit when we've got criminals in the highest office in the land and we're fighting some pointless war over oil?! When mythology believing hypocrites are teaching our kids that dinosaurs didn't exist? When corporations are censoring artists? When a goddamned genius can't get insured to work? When a beautiful, sexy, funny woman breaks up with a brilliant auteur for no good reason? Okay, whatever. Just promise me that when the critics start drooling over my show, the Emmys start piling up and that fluffy superhero nonsense tanks and gets cancelled after four episodes, you'll give us a better lead in.

Exec: We'll do everything we can to bring an audience to Mondays, Mel.

Mel: Great. See you at the Shrine Auditorium in September. And one favor, please. Any pilots with what's her name? Make sure they don't see the light of day. I want that in my contract.

Whodat?

The hot lawyer investigating the sexual harrassment suit on Monday's Studio 60 was Kari Matchett, who was the Heidi Fleiss like madame on a recent Shark. She was also Beth, Sharon's kinda girlfriend on the late, lamented Wonderfalls.

On Tuesday's Law and Order Criminal Intent, Goren's mom was Rita Moreno, a Hollywood legend and one of only 12 people to win an Emmy, Tony, Grammy and Oscar. Goren's brother was Tony Goldwyn, best known as the creepy friend/killer from Ghost, the creepy twins/killers from Without A Trace, and the creepy shrink from Dexter. (He's also a frequent director on Dexter). He does subtle creepy very well.

On last Tuesday's Law and Order SVU, Cary Elwes (Princess Bride's Westley) was the mob lawyer dad with the bad accent (and apparently, a recent interest in donuts).

Anagram Hallucinations, Charming Nosiness and Good Ass Bad Ass

Catching up on some recent television happenings.

Monday's Studio 60 was the first in a long time where I didn't spend 44 minutes groaning and rolling my eyes back in my head at the wasted potential and heavy handed lecturing. I still don't buy Jordan and Danny. And it suffered a distinct lack of Jack Rudolph. And why didn't Danny, of all people, realize Matt was high? Still, while it wasn't The Sixth Sense, I did enjoy the "Tim Batale" (gee, what could that be an anagram for?) bit and seeing the "genesis" of the Matt and Harry relationship. Some attractions and relationships just seem to thrive on controversy and arguments (of course, I wouldn't know anything about this). Also, the head writer in the flashbacks was Stephen Tobolowsky – perhaps best known as "Ned... Ryerson. "Needlenose Ned"? "Ned the Head"? BING!" from Groundhog Day. (also, a mini-Deadwood reunion with Sarah Paulson – Hugo Jarry and Miss Issringhausen, respectively). Good episode, but probably too little, too late, sadly, unless Sorkin has pictures of Jeff Zucker freebasing with teenage girls. Given Sorkin's past, that's probably a lot of photo albums to sort through, though.

Another solid, if not quite as quippy, Veronica Mars. The cliffhanger was unexpected, and it was good to see (however briefly) Cliff and Wallace. Dick never fails as a source of amusement: "Volcanic Hot. Like I might have to use an oven mitt to feel her up." Nice to see the love for Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang. A specialty of VM is calling back bit players for the days of yore, like Arturo, the pizza delivery mugger and Jeff Ratner, the "toiletry thief." I think the tweener that charmed Logan was one of Gaby's beauty pageant recruits from Desperate Housewives. I normally hate kids on TV, but she served the purpose for the story and wasn't too obnoxious. Other good lines:

"Which one's yours?"

"I would have settled for 'I find her nosiness charming.'"

"Who was that on the phone?" "Just your brother in law."

Finally, a Gilmore Girls that seemed like a return to form. The dog funeral was perfectly in character, and Zack's apprehension over playing Celine Dion was great. Chris has always been an ass, and I don't envy the writers of this season given what they had to work with after the ending that got dumped on them at the end of last season. Though they tried to clean up his character during the courting and engagement phase, the cardboard nature of the characterization still holds true after we found him basically twirling a mustache the last few episodes. Even if Chris is a poorly written ass, I do completely understand his issues with Lorelai's feelings for Luke. Probably owing a lot to my post about the Green Eyed Monster yesterday. But whether the emotion is right or wrong, the plot in this story bears out that his concerns were justified. And Lauren Graham never nominated for an Emmy? Shame.

On the other hand, we had a "good" ass last night on House. The hackneyed melodrama of the Tritter debacle behind us, we got back to solid medical mysteries leavened with a script full of snarky House-isms. Too many to jot down, in fact, but there were these:

"They killed our lord! You gonna trust 'em?"

"Coulda left the scarf at home and just told him you'd be wearing a look of desperation."

"Girls can't hold me too long because I can only pay for an hour."

"She's gonna jump off the lobby balcony!" "You think I can catch her?"

"Seems a lot nicer than that one from wicca-needs-a-daddy-figure dot com."

Funny conversation about wanting to "torture" the girl to see how she reacts. Fox must have had a "human drilling" theme week planned for sweeps. In fact, if they really wanted to torture her, they should have just invited network buddy Jack Bauer over. I'm sure they would have gotten a resounding "hey, I'll handle this. Let me get my bag with painful drugs, sharp sticks and dry cleaning bags and we'll get to the bottom of this in just a few minutes. Won't be as much fun if we're not related, but still…"

Gruesome head drilling I can live with. Pulling out a 25 foot tapeworm? Uh, no.

Studio 60 Math

Calling your fledgling writer an "Uncle Tom" + telling him that he's obsessed with white people, while also offering the handy tip that "writing rules" = makes it all better.

Stalking someone just short of getting tasered + getting trapped on a roof + magic tricks = Twue Wub.

Getting a business associate's daughter drunk off her ass + namecalling = hail mary business deal (of course, I still actually like Jack).

Lying about the sitcom contrivances of blowing off a date + making sure your intended sweetie knows her pay grade place = date for Sunday!

Live snakes + (anything) = no good.

Insulting your date on her night + obsessing about who she's sleeping with (or wanting to sleep with) + inability to tell a joke (not to mention write a decent one that we've actually seen) + flirting drunkenly with Pussycat Doll skank = relationship finally over (hey, at least one of 'em, other than the snakes, of course, felt real).

It's only the great affection I feel for the actors (Perry, Weber, Paulson, Busfield and Davis in particular) and one character (Jack) that keeps me from formulating another equation: Occasionally witty dialogue + likeable actors – believable situations + contrived circumstances + hamfisted moral/political lectures masquerading as conversations + beyond silly romantic entanglements = delete from Season Pass.