Upton Saturday Night

When the Braves traded for Justin Upton, who will join brother B.J. and Jason Heyward in what is arguably MLB's most talented outfield, I got excited for the upcoming season. So much so that I signed up for Extra Innings again, after letting my subscription lapse for a few years. Like everyone else, I also latched on to the clever moniker "Up, Up, and a Hey" that someone came up with to describe our new outfield.

Another random thought popped into my head, and that's the 1974 comedy Uptown Saturday Night. I remember watching that flick (and its sequels) with my parents when I was a kid, and wondered if I could put together something that was an homage to that movie's poster, but featuring our new acquisitions.

The original movie poster featured three primary characters in illustration, perfect for an outfield, along with an extensive cast of characters on the side panel, well-suited to a baseball lineup including a starting pitcher and a closer. A little bit of surfing and investigating later (not unexpectedly, it's hard to find a good image of a movie poster from almost 40 years ago; plus identifying the funky font used, or something close to it, was quite a task) I put together the elements needed to create a loving tribute to a classic comedy and the 2013 Braves. My Photoshop skills aren't the greatest, and I worked some fairly lo-res images, but I think the end result turned out to be pretty fun.

Now playing: UPTON SATURDAY NIGHT

And to compare it to the original:

Needless to say, GO BRAVES!

I'll take potpourri for $6,500, Alex

A roundup of links, thoughts and ephemera. Now with no MSG added.

What would have happened on Pushing Daisies had it not been cruelly canceled?

Brilliant, funny baseball "charts." Must see.

Basketball trick shot artist. Starts out interesting, then gets downright unbelievable.

Countdown of the top 50 movie robots.

This football league probably doesn't believe that teh gays are allowed to be starters. And I assume they think football was created 6 years ago.

A look back at the first good dragon movie.

Just who I look to for my 911 conspiracy theories.

Blowjobs are for ugly girls. I think the photographic evidence says it all, really.

10 greatest "false deaths" in movies (SPOILERS AHOY).

EPSN SEC blogger lists his favorite conference stadiums.

15 sci-fi movie sequels that didn't suck.

15 movies that were almost turned into TV shows. (I would have loved a TV version of the mucho underrated Zero Effect or Buckaroo Banzai).

For some reason, this video clip makes me think of the 3rd and 4th Planet of the Apes movies:



80s movie action cliches: the witty retort!

Best spy tips from Burn Notice.

7 Star Wars characters who dropped the ball.

A thoughtful mega essay on how the Battlestar Galactica finale screwed the pooch. Related: all the things the "god" of BSG had to be "responsible" for. Also related: how does Katee Sackhoff feel about her role in the finale? (trivia: Katee auditioned for the female detective role in Castle!)

New Harry Potter movie out today! Here's a list of the Top 25 characters in the series. And sports related, a funny list of Potter lookalikes from the world of sports.

I'll take potpourri for $4,500, Alex

I'm just going to close my eyes and put my hands over my ears and chant "lalalalalalala" and totally ignore the financial machinations of Fox, which might delay the release of Watchmen on its scheduled date. And instead, watch two new videos: A featurette on story and characters, and a look at the making of the iconic "Minutemen" photo. (in Quicktime)

An awesome recap of i09's 2008 "triviagasms."

Lost fonts and logos!

Happy birthday, my favorite hairstyle (er, just to be clear, not for me).

Mandel's early preseason top 10. The plague of evil is number one. And since it's a Mandel column, UGA is nowhere to be seen. Anyone else have that vague "2005" feeling yet? 2004 was the swan song of some celebrated players, and there were great expectations that fell short that year. The next year, we flew a bit under the radar and took care of business. Too soon?

Betty Draper looking smoking hot.

AJ Green voted to all-freshman team (along with Julio Jones). So who was the SEC freshman of the year? Depends on who you ask. Coaches say AJ. AP says Julio.

The top 500 worst (aka "most common") passwords of all time. Evidently, the list was compiled from people that have no imagination, like their own name, are geeks (NCC1701!) and enjoy casual profanity. A funny list to peruse.

Statistical savant Bill James on why the computer models used for the BCS suck.

Apple's latest and greatest:


Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

Young John Connor talks about the upcoming eppys of T:TSSC, and addresses one of my (few) complaints (too many terminators coming back from the future).

A dog, and elephant, and....aaaawwwwwwww. Sniff.

Recap of this week's Mentalist eppy. A good reason why this show is resonating: it delved into the arc, but upended "regular procedural expectations." When Jane decided he was going after Red John, as a viewer we've been conditioned to think that Lisbon would have a big argument with him and try to talk him out of it. Instead, she was supportive. I like the team here, and it makes this procedural better than average.

The Breakfast Cereal Club. Hilarious.

Interview with Lisa of "Wendy and Lisa" fame. Hot, talented, funny AND a comic-book fan? Awesome.

Let's just make sure we understand the truth: it's NOT a "tax cut" if you don't pay taxes. (It's theft and welfare at gunpoint). It makes my blood boil that the mainstream media ALWAYS overlooks this point. And why do breeders get more of everyone's money? It's a fucking choice.

A baseball writer has some thoughts about Dale Murphy for the HOF.

A little light reading for all the "climate change" and "global warming" nuts. And a prominent politician doesn't toe the "politically correct" line. Good for him.

I love the whole "houndstooth" thing at 'Bama. Look at the gloves.

A pretty misogynistic and disgusting look at dating from one of those "pick up artist" types. But underneath all the disturbing and offensive rhetoric, is there perhaps a kernel of truth? I can probably pick out one horrific and life-wrecking moment from my past, and think that in hindsight, I should have taken the "Danger Will Robinson!" warning signs seriously. Sigh.

And along the same lines, Micheal K never fails to crack me up.

Where were these teachers when I was in school?

An NFL draftnik is a little surprised after doing an analysis of Matt Stafford.

Top 25 fictional ads in sci-fi.

Is this the first step in Skynet and the rise of the machines?

Good list of 14 disastrous revamps.

The flat-earthers take umbrage over a holiday greeting on a sci-fi blog.

Holy Cow! I think he's gonna make it!

Phil Rizzuto, the "Scooter," passed away yesterday. Rizzuto was a Yankees legend -- a shortstop for 13 years, an AL MVP, a 5 time All-Star, a 9 time world champion, a legendary broadcaster and a Baseball Hall of Famer.

For my generation, however, our first exposure to the Scooter probably came with this piece of classic rock:



Rest in peace, Scooter.

If I was the Commish

Baseball's half way point has just passed, so it got me thinking. What would I change about the game if I was an omnipotent commissioner? (Think Kennesaw Mountain Landis with less racism, rather than Bud Selig with more of a clue).

How about:

1. The Braves would always air all their games on TBS. Not only because that's what I grew up with and what made them "America's Team" even when they were stinking up the joint, but it also makes the games easier to find than having to flip around the 600s to see who is airing them. Plus, if I go out of town, I won't need to purchase the goddamned Extra Innings package just to watch one team.
   
2. No DH.
3. However, if you keep the DH, then I would feature AL rules in NL parks during interleague play, and vice versa. Part of the "charm" of IL play is seeing teams that you don't see ordinarily. So why not take it the next step, and make sure the home fans see other things they don't see every day? Manny Ramirez should be required to piss behind every outfield.
   
4. Bonds and Sheffield. Banished forever. To a place without reporters, and from which no sound emanates.
5. Replay on HR calls. How hard would this be?
6. Not as much divisional play. A balanced schedule across the league.
7. "Fair" IL play. Everyone in your division should play the same "other league" teams. Yes, I understand "rivalries" are part of the intrigue about IL play. Some match up naturally, particularly in places like NY, Chicago and LA/Anaheim/Orange County where there are two franchises. So if we must do this, then keep ONE rivalry component of IL, but then make sure the rest of your division plays the exact same other league teams.
8. Home field in the World Series would go to the team with the best overall record. Pretty simple stuff there. The All Star Game is an exhibition, and it's a travesty that this determines home field (as was alternating leagues or a coin flip).
9. Pants would not be allowed to touch your cleats. Jesus Christ how I hate the "pajama bottom" look. I wish MLB would employ the "uniform nazi" approach of the NFL. Baseball players should always show stirrups and sanitaries.
10. Scott Boras would be taken off to Gitmo, and never heard from again.
11. Home Run Derby at the All Star Game would be shortened. 5 "outs" each in the first round to get from 8 to 4 players. Then maybe 7 outs each to get from 4 to 2 players, with the count of HRs starting at 0 for the round. Then you can have 10 outs for the final, with the counts resetting at 0 again. And Berman should stick to football.
12. You could assume the double play in scoring. So many other things are judgment calls, why not that? (Your long national nightmare would be over, Lee).

Wouldn't that be a better game?

Friday Free For All

Random thoughts with absolutely no connective tissue.

Imus gets canned by both MSNBC and CBS Radio. By now, everyone has heard of this and rehashed it a million times. I could go on and on, but it probably wouldn't add anything new to the debate. The salient points for me:

• It irks me to no end that people characterize this a "free speech"/First Amendment debate. It's not. The government is not censoring or firing Imus. Private corporations are. It's all pretty simple. If Imus and his crew wanted to get in a public square and insult the Rutgers women's hoops team, and the police shut him down, that's one thing, and related to the Bill of Rights. If the company that pays your checks thinks your behavior is inappropriate, not funny, not entertaining or even tiresome, that's another. Imus was fired because his comments offended fellow associates withing the two monolithic corporations, because association with him tarnished their public image, and most importantly, because advertisers were withdrawing funds.
• Al Sharpton has no credibility and is the height of hypocrisy to get on a pulpit about race-baiting.
• The uproar has as much to do with the targets as it does the words themselves. If instead of comment about the players -- relative "innocents" in the grand scheme who did nothing to engender the invective -- Imus has focused his epithets on the cast of "Flavor of Love," I think he'd still have one job, if not two.
• "Should" he have been fired? It's a moot point. It's not like his schtick was new to anyone, and this has been going on for years. Unpopular and offensive opinions are not "illegal." But companies have the right to fire people who aren't making money for them.
• As usual, Jason Whitlock has a cogent take on matters of race and sports.
  

Speaking of race-baiting, wonder if Jesse Jackson is going to hold a big press conference at Duke and apologize? Say what you will about Imus, at least he recognized the impact of his words and made attempts to apologize to those he offended. I'm sure the good reverend (as well as Sharpton) won't have a thing to say the true "victims" in the Duke Lacrosse case, those maliciously and fallaciously accused. Moral here? Never, ever believe a stripper.

On this week's Idol results show, JLo performed her new Spanish language song, and surprisingly, she showed a good voice and I really enjoyed it. I also enjoyed Michael Buble's performance last week, though the lyrics were just as intelligible as La Lopez's new tune. And I don't speak Spanish.

Just a reminder: watch Drive on Sunday, with a new episode on its regular night the following Monday. Nathan Fillion, Tim Minear. It has to be good. And of course, quickly cancelled by Fox. Good "preview/review" from Maureen Ryan here.

Speaking of Fillion, I finally watched Slither last weekend, and enjoyed the hell out of it. A great homage to the sci-fi/horror silliness of the 50s, complete with thrills, chills, icks and laughs. Fillion is solid as always, but Gregg Henry as the mayor completely steals the show. Any movie with the line "If I wasn't shittin' my pants right now, I'd be fuckin' fascinated." is worth a rental. B+

How to tell if you're a geek. As for me? Yes. Not in drinks, but I know what it is. And went to it in Vegas. Nope. Nope, I hate Ewoks. Yes. Nope. Nope. Yep, I knew all the acronyms off the top of my head.

Not only is Rosario Dawson in Kevin Smith and Tarantino movies. Not only is she hot. Not only is she a comic book fan. But she's a Trekkie. God love her.

It's baseball season. That's enough reason to enjoy Earl Weaver losing his shit. "You're here for one goddamn specific reason: to fuck up!" Good Stuff.

The woosification of America continues unabated

And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him.

That line from a very creative work of fiction signals that the Apocalypse is nigh. While that would be helpful for those of us looking for something dramatic to mark on our calendar to signal the end of days, I personally think the portents of doom will be more subtle, yet even more insidious. Like this:

The Knothole Club of Greater Cincinnati has decided to eliminate "chatter." Unless the chatter is "positive" and directed at your own team.

You have got to be fucking kidding me. Slowly but surely, our culture is turning coddling cesspool of ham handed pop psychology, wrapping kids in the swaddling clothes of "self-esteem" and thoroughly failing to prepare them for adulthood and life in general. This started several years ago, when youth sports leagues started preaching the nonsense about the games being all about "participation" rather than "competition." All kinds of ridiculous rules started popping up, like putting every player, regardless of skill level, into the game. Putting limits on runs scored. Not tracking outs. This nonsense found its way to the play ground, where teachers got rid of time honored games like dodgeball, because if one of the students was too slow to get out of the way of a soft rubber ball, they might learn something along the lines of....they were too slow to get out of the way of a soft rubber ball.

Generations of kids grew up playing dodgeball. Playing wiffle ball. Riding the pine in Little League if they weren't skilled enough to crack the starting line up. When they got to college, did they expect their professors to tell them "hey, you tried. That essay was incomprehensible and not cogent at all. But I don't want to hurt your feelings or make you feel like you're not as smart or talented as every other student in class, so I'll give you an A." When they got into the real world, did they expect their supervisor to tell them "sorry Bob, but Kevin does twice the work you do and is actually smarter and more skilled than you. But I don't want to pass you over for that promotion because it might make you feel bad, so I'm just going to keep everyone where they are and let our profitability slide into the red. Here's a cookie." When they started to navigate the choppy seas of interpersonal relationships, did they expect their girlfriend to tell them "Hey, Ted, I'm sure you realize that Bill makes more money that you, and that I've basically used you up and left you a dried, empty husk. But you know what? I love you and I'm going to stick with you out of love, friendship and respect, and not go bed hopping like a Pussycat Doll looking for the next champagne room because I don't want to make you feel bad." NO. Life is full of soul-crushing disappointment and competition, and the sooner you learn this, the better off you'll be.

Not that "hey, batter, batter, batter, suh-wing!" or "we need a pitcher, not a belly itcher!" is exactly Dorothy Parker sitting around the Algonquin Roundtable trading delicious bon mots with Robert Benchley. But the fact that league organizers feel compelled to step in and save youth baseball players from these "vicious ripostes" is utterly ridiculous.

Look, part of the argument I can understand. Every time we turn on the TV to watch sports, we're subjected to some preening, self-absorbed egomaniac spiking the ball and having a convulsion at midfield after getting a first down (while his team is down by 28), or watching some uneducated prima-donna thumping his chest to draw the camera's attention to promote his rap album, while failing to get back on D and prevent the other team from scoring. But there's a huge difference between acting like TO and having a little "chatter" on the tee ball field.

"Hey, batter! Try your best to put the bat on the ball! And if you miss, that's okay, darn it, because you'll still have your worth and value as a person and be welcomed back into the loving bosom of your mother!"

Not quite the same, is it?