Upton Saturday Night

When the Braves traded for Justin Upton, who will join brother B.J. and Jason Heyward in what is arguably MLB's most talented outfield, I got excited for the upcoming season. So much so that I signed up for Extra Innings again, after letting my subscription lapse for a few years. Like everyone else, I also latched on to the clever moniker "Up, Up, and a Hey" that someone came up with to describe our new outfield.

Another random thought popped into my head, and that's the 1974 comedy Uptown Saturday Night. I remember watching that flick (and its sequels) with my parents when I was a kid, and wondered if I could put together something that was an homage to that movie's poster, but featuring our new acquisitions.

The original movie poster featured three primary characters in illustration, perfect for an outfield, along with an extensive cast of characters on the side panel, well-suited to a baseball lineup including a starting pitcher and a closer. A little bit of surfing and investigating later (not unexpectedly, it's hard to find a good image of a movie poster from almost 40 years ago; plus identifying the funky font used, or something close to it, was quite a task) I put together the elements needed to create a loving tribute to a classic comedy and the 2013 Braves. My Photoshop skills aren't the greatest, and I worked some fairly lo-res images, but I think the end result turned out to be pretty fun.

Now playing: UPTON SATURDAY NIGHT

And to compare it to the original:

Needless to say, GO BRAVES!

More fun than 3 hours of home runs

No, I didn't watch much of last night's Home Run Derby. I had it on in the background for a while, but really. THREE HOURS? And there's only so much Berman any man can take, before mixing up a cocktail of whiskey and antifreeze.

But if you want some fun with your baseball, check out Batting Stance Guy. If you follow baseball, or internet memes, you've probably seen some of his work. His self-proclaimed "least marketable skill in America!" is endlessly entertaining, and uncannily accurate. He made an appearance on Letterman last night:



Also, because I'm a homer, check out his take on a few Atlanta Braves:



For long time Braves fans, a few of those (Horner, Andruw) are LOL funny.

Revisit Disco Demolition Night and Make America Better

July 12th is the 30 year anniversary of the infamous "Disco Demolition Night" at Comiskey Park in Chicago, between games of a White Sox double header against the Tigers.

For those of you too young to remember, this was a time when the popular culture was beginning to turn on the relatively shallow, beat-filled phenomenon known as disco music, which probably reached its zenith following the 1977 release of Saturday Night Fever. (For the record, I was, and still am, a fan of disco. I guess it's the hip hop of the getting ready for jello and shuffleboard crowd. Sue me). In response to the growing antipathy toward disco, and the format change of local radio stations, an area DJ worked in conjunction with Mike Veeck (son of legendary promotional huckster and then Sox owner Bill Veeck) to come up with a marketing event that allowed fans in for 98 cents if they brought a disco record (remember those?) to the stadium to be destroyed in "protest" between games.

Well, the promotion worked entirely too well. The fans came to the stadium en masse, all smoked and liquored up. The records were collected in a box in center field and blown the fuck up with explosives. Fans poured onto the field, cops followed, riots ensued, fires were started, the field was destroyed, the stadium shook and the second game was forfeited.

It marked a turn in the zeitgeist of popular culture, when people just got fed up with what was being force fed to them by all their entertainment outlets.

Now, as I mentioned, I actually liked disco, though I appreciated it for what it was and certainly didn't turn to Lipps, Inc or KC and the Sunshine Band for the lyrical depth I could get from a Dylan record. There was a time and place for it, but I can certainly understand the frustration of audiophiles whose radio stations suddenly stopped playing Zeppelin, the Stones and Floyd in favor of The Village People. As the anniversary of this event rolled around, I wondered, what could be so odious today as to make me show up at a stadium, frothing at the mouth to watch metaphorical christians fed to the metaphorical lions? And then it dawned on me. What is the biggest plague on the entertainment landscape today? REALITY TV.

Think of the parallels. Does is substantively dumb down another similar form of entertainment? Yes. Once it became popular, did the market flood with cheap knock offs that people lapped up without even considering the quality? Yes. Is it an affront to craftsmen who strive mightily to produce top shelf, written and thought provoking material? Yep. Does it succeed with the masses while more intelligent and artfully constructed offerings struggle to find an audience? You betcha. Does looking at the Top 20 produce a throbbing in your temples that can only be relieved by an act of wanton, bloodthirsty violence? Oh, yeah.

I suggest that some enterprising baseball marketing guru commemorate the anniversary of "Disco Demolition Night" with a similar promotion: "Reality Rampage Night."

Between games of a double header, the promoters would wheel out onto the field a wagon full of reality "stars," all chained together. The Kardashians. All the "real" housewives. Jon and Kate. Denise Richards. Paris Hilton. The vapid trollops and himbos from The Hills and its spinoffs. Supernannies. Anyone who has ever participated in a "rose ceremony." Anyone who has participated in a hot tub three way in order to further their "personal brand." Anyone who thinks having their "relationship" beamed into our homes doesn't make us want to stretch a condom over our widescreen. Anyone who has ever seen Bret Michaels or Flavor Flav naked. If you've been on television, the cover of US Weekly and are famous for having no discernible talent, skills, taste or intellect, you're on the chain gang. Also included are any and all television executives responsible for greenlighting these shows.

For admission to the ballpark, fans can purchase a 98 cent ticket provided they bring with them an Irish car bomb, a pitchfork, a chainsaw, a Molotov cocktail, a blunderbuss, a trident, nunchucks, a mace, a flamethrower or ninja throwing stars. Free 24 oz. tallboy beers are served to every fan who shows a DVD of an actual television program featuring a script, acting and directing. A recording of Harry Carey counting down "a-one, a-two, a-three" readies the crowd for the attack, and then the angry mob of scripted television fans descends upon the clueless, vapid morons chained together and rends them limb from limb. An announcement comes over the stadium speakers, the mob backs away, and the cancerous tumor toxifying our programming is finally excised as a series of explosives planted in center field finishes the job, blowing the "reality" pestilence into a fine red mist.

Surely this would be more satisfying, healthy and cathartic for the nation than burning a couple of Peaches and Herb records, right? Who's with me?!

I'll take potpourri for $6,400, Alex

Top 10 Reasons why Trek is suddenly cool. (And none of those have anything to do with "Spock's Brain.")

Frak my life. Just read it and giggle.

Rating Woody Allen's films, from 1 - 40. Nice rankings, though personally, I'd put Annie Hall at #1. And probably have Bullets Over Broadway and Vicky Christina Barcelona higher. And Stardust Memories lower. Related: 10 Woody Allen proxies. Yeah, Celebrity was not up to snuff, but damn if Branagh didn't perfectly channel the Woodman.

I clipped this story about John Ensign and his hypocrisy on the whole ridiculous "defense of marriage" bullshit last week. And that was before another married with kids bible thumping nutjob jetted off Argentina to schtup his mistress. Yes, Sanford rejected the "stimulus package" because he was already getting his package stimulated. Haaaay-yooo.

Star Trek cakes. How cool are those? Here's an expanded look.

Are these the best sci-fi cliffhangers?

Hysterical! Michael Bay's keyboard.

Novel idea for sneaking booze into a ballgame.

The Madden ratings for the Atlanta Falcons.

Another TNRLM twitter suggestion shows up in the wild.

Interview with the delightful Julie Benz. I didn't realize she originally also read for "Deb" on Dexter.

Fantastic gallery of spaceships on io9.

Count down the Top 70 Marvel Comics covers ever. Definitely worth a look if you're a comic geek.

I know he was from Florida, and went to college at Tennessee, but somewhere along the way, didn't Travis Henry ever learn about condoms? Hell, the "pull out" method would seem to be more successful.

Highlights from the recent Bear McCreary BSG concert. Awesome.

Pop Quiz, Hotshot: famous TV homes. (I got 80%, BTW).


Great article on how the "standard" MLB camera angle is so misleading. Yes, the "off center" approach composes a better picture, especially in the widescreen era, but dead center certainly gives you a better idea about the pitches.

Did anyone else know there was a "University of Andy" web supplement to Weeds? Here Andy explains how to hold your liquor.

Are these the 10 most polarizing films of the last decade? Certainly a solid list, and think I wind up on the "pro" side of most of these.

Interview with Hope Davis, who was so mesmerizing on In Treatment this year.

IFC put together a list of the 50 greatest movie trailers of all time (with clips). Also, while I couldn't find a link to the actual list with clips, preeminent movie magazine Empire also assembled a similar list a while back.

Did Ayn Rand want Farrah to play Dagny Taggert? (Still waiting on an Atlas Shrugged flick, and I think Angelina or Rachel Weisz would make a great Dagny).

The dangers of quitting smoking.

Supernatural casts their Lucifer. Great choice, but I wonder what this means for Lost?

Doctor Who returns tonight! Alan Sepinwall talks to Russell Davies, and Mo Ryan chats with David Tennant.

I'll take potpourri for $5,700, Alex

The deleted Twilight scene. Ha!

The 10 Ugliest baseball unis of the 70s. Shield your eyes.

10 Funniest Freudian slips on TV. It's a good watch, and all the clips are short and to the point. (Trivia: the lovely lady who says "cock" in #5 is the wife of the current NFL commissioner).

TV Guides claims these are the 20 greatest TV catchphrases.

The best minor league baseball promotion ever. Matt Foley would be proud.

Bryan Fuller fesses up about why Heroes blew. (Blows?)

Oh, Boy! Scott Bakula talks about the 20th anniversary of Quantum Leap. (And who knew that Chuck's General Beckman was married to Enterprise's Doctor Phlox?)

I twittered this, but it's too funny not to reference again: Joe Cocker. Translated with subtitles.

Iowa uses common sense, and some conservatives think it's hard to be "Christian" in public now. So sorry about the potential public scorn directed at bigotry. Sullivan reacts here. The American Spectator calls equal marriage rights "a hill to die on." And what does this mean, politically, to the evangelical right?

100 classic movie lines in 200 seconds.

10 characters Zooey Deschanel should have played.

First Taun Taun sleeping bags, and now this? Why wasn't I a geek child in this era?

Why didn't he just pray, and have god magically fix it so he doesn't look like an al dente noodle in a windstorm in slow motion?

Chicago Trib looks at why NCIS is so appealing. It's weird, I feel the same way. I was looking for an "easy" procedural to watch when I was going to bed, and my TiVo recommended NCIS. I had never given it much thought, but started watching thanks to the USA repeats, and next thing you know, I had seen every episode. At first, you're a little nonchalant and incredulous. How long will Ducky's stories go on? How much can Gibbs glower? What's with the boat in the basement? Is Tony going to shamelessly flirt and quote movies in every episode? Is McGee Neo? Israeli to English doesn't really result in those kinds of malaprops, does it? Is this the sunniest and least hardcore goth chick ever? But after a while, you just come to welcome these characters onto your TV. Yeah, it's kind of square, but oddly addicting.

Zap2It looks at 10 good questions in preparation for tonight's Lost (though I don't think we'll get them all answered, of course).

10 "Wives Tales" debunked.

RIP, Skip

Longtime Braves broadcaster Skip Caray has passed away.

People often talk about how a particular album or band provided the "soundtrack to their lives." For me, the voice of Caray (along with that of Larry Munson) was about as close as I would come to having a familiar sound guide me through the years. We moved back to Georgia in the mid 70s, and I remember going to bed at night, being able to pick up the radio broadcasts of Braves west coast games. Shortly thereafter, when we got cable, the best thing about it was being able to watch the Braves, in all their early ineptitude, every single night. Skip, along with Ernie Johnson and Pete Van Wieren (and later, Joe Simpson and Don Sutton) were a welcome presence in our home every evening, even as Ted Turner managed the team for a night (!) and Pascual Perez made endless loops around I-285. Skip called 'em as he saw 'em, and brought a wry levity to games the home team could just never seem win. I was as gratified for Skip and the gang as I was the long-suffering fans when the Braves embarked on their historic run of postseason participation in the 90s, because you could feel the emotional investment in the team that had been there since the first time we turned on "Channel 17." When you were out and away from the tube, it was always gratifying to turn on the radio and hear that familiar voice telling you how the boys were doing.

With changes in the marketplace, and TBS's shift to sitcom repeats, you couldn't catch Skip on Braves broadcasts anymore. But when I moved up here, I got the MLB Extra Innings package to follow the games, and frequently listened in my car on XM Radio. Not too long ago I was all alone, driving around in a strange town, and hearing Skip lament the latest one-run loss made me feel more at "home."

So long, Skip. You'll be missed.

I'll take potpourri for $2,100, Alex

Wanna fight WWII with alien technology? Try this.

Original Recipe Star Trek catchphrases (including a "He's dead, Jim" montage"). And a list of all the "I'm a doctor, not a......" utterances.

Ichiro's teammates have taught him well. ("August in Kansas City, is hotter than two rats in a fucking wool sock.")

Fringe sounds like it's shaping up very nicely. This will be on the TiVo for fall.

I didn't realize they had subways, other than the sandwich shops, in Columbus, GA. Speaking of which, I wonder if they make these with 4 digits?

Eliza talks about Dollhouse. Good lord, she's so hot I think my monitor just melted.


Hey, I thought it was a proven fact that "he" was unique?!

More proof that the apocalypse is nigh.

Cheesy music aside, if this doesn't make you sniffle, you don't have a heart. Even better? It's true.

The evolution of the Batsuit. And could Batman really exist?

Geeks not exactly in situ.

Damn, I miss home. (h/t Lee).

I've been listening to Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince audiobook on the iPod. This is the first fiction audiobook I've actually tried. Holy shit, is Jim Dale the most awesome narrator ever? Question: will any other fiction audiobooks be a step down, where the narrator doesn't do a gazillion unique character voices?

Randomness from the week or so that was

Happy holiday weekend, peeps. It's early on the Memorial Day Weekend, and I've already cleaned the homestead, walked a couple of miles and finally caught up on on all the electronic and snail mail from my few days Out Of Town. Expect some frequent bloggy goodness over the holiday. As I quaff the first of many light beers, here are some random nuggets to chew on:

Controversial comic book costume changes. I liked the "Venom" black Spidey uniform (except for how it was presented, story-wise, in the disappointing 3rd movie) and Iron Man's is understandable, with so many "Mark" versions. (For a great graphic look at the various Iron Man unis, click here). And I just saw Iron Man, and it rocked my world. GREAT comic book movie. The final throw down was a bit pedestrian, but fantastic performances from all involved (RD Jr., The Dude, Gwyneth, Terrance Howard) made this a solid A. But Sue Storm's alternate costume is kinda trampy, no?

Good news for fans of Logan, Goran and their partners: USA has ordered more Law & Order: CI.

No wonder the country is going to hell on a sled. 12.5% of those teaching our (your) youth are morons.

Speaking of which, more evidence (like you needed more?) that Einstein was a smart dude.

It's baseball season. Time to enjoy some classic Ricky Henderson quotes!

A bizarre list of "How To" books. I think I would start with #9, and #10 would be helpful with #5 (though #2 would have probably preceded that one), but you would then be acquainted with #7, and eventually wish for #4.

Ever heard of "Batting Stance Guy?" If not, check out this interview. And you fellow Braves fans will get a big kick out his take on the hometeam.

You gotta have priorities, ya know.

Bobby Cox is an icon and steady hand on the wheel of the Braves, but good god, I love Jim Leyland.

What kind of bet do you have to lose to have this happen? And Flipper looks stoked, man.

Lord knows I lived through the title of this post. But DListed's adorable nickname for the featured Mensa member always makes me giggle, for a few reasons. Speaking of which, I'm surprised I didn't pay to have these moved. But some other poor (or soon to be) dumb bastard did.

How 'bout we cleanse the pallet with a nice story about everyone's favorite lesbian witch and shopping-addicted wife?

And since it's the last day of the workweek, here's a Trek look at the 7 types of bad bosses and how to survive them.

Enjoy your holiday, and have a beer or 15 with a loved one!

This week's Ledger

PLUS

• Musically, this week felt like a return to the salad days of college life. Two of my favorite bands with obvious connections to the motherland released new albums. I downloaded both REM's "Accelerate" and the B-52s "Funplex." I had lost touch a bit with REM over the last couple of albums, as they seemed to lose a spark and be a tad more ponderous. But "Accelerate" is a total kick-ass return to the form many of us loved about them in the first place. It's short, aggressive, uptempo and a great ride. And the B-52s? The name says it all: "Funplex." If you like the B's, you'll love this album. After just a few listens, I'd put it right up there with "Cosmic Thing." I was blogging and reading through some of the BSG boards on TWOP while it was playing in the background, and found myself "chair dancing" right along to it even though I'd never heard a single note from it until then. Also highly recommended, and not just for nostalgia.
• The motherfrakkin' return of Battlestar Galactica. Has it really been 55 weeks? I can't believe I was in another state -- geographically and psychologically -- when I last saw a fresh ep (not including "Razor") of the best show on TV. And it didn't disappoint.
• I was so jazzed about the return of BSG, that I went frakkin' nuts on Amazon. I purchased the original mini-series, Season 1, Season 2, Season 3 and "Razor" on DVD. As we all know, I loves myself some TV, but there are very few shows I own lock, stock and barrell on DVD. There are the occasional one season wonders (Wonderfalls, Profit, Firefly) that are easy purchases to make. But there are also other great, fantastic shows I adore that I don't necessarily feel compelled to purchase in their entirety (The Sopranos, Sports Night, Deadwood, etc.) and probably wouldn't watch over and over. BSG will now rest on the shelves (well, when I actually have some fucking shelves, and not just wine boxes stacked up beside the TV) beside the complete runs of Buffy, Angel and Farscape. At some point, I need to add Arrested Development to this mix.
• Swiffers. I was late to the Swiffer party, but now I have the Swiffer duster and the Swiffer wet-jet. How awesome are these things? Anyone else find the Swiffer indispensible?
  
• Finally catching up.

MINUS

• Odd bouts of insomnia. I don't sleep that much compared to some folks, but twice this week I found myself in bed "actively" trying to go to sleep without much success. Even the brain numbing foolishness of Horatio Caine couldn't make me let go of my tether to the world to the waking. And of course, I still wake up at 6.
• This week has been good for watching the Braves, because they were on FOX yesterday and MLB Extra Innings has had a free preview this week (thanks for the reminder Freebird!), but because TBS needs to air more Sex and the City reruns and Frank TV, they've banished "America's Team" to the backwoods of something called "Peachtree TV." Which I don't have here as part of a local sports package. So hello purchase price for Extra Innings!
• Seeing birthdays pop up in the Outlook calendar and not celebrating them like you did.
  
• The Baltimore Sun sports section. Although the AJC Sports section got a lot of criticism from the locals while I was living there (and some deservedly so, between the ancient ramblings of Furman Bisher and the one-note racial blatherings of Terrence Moore), you don't appreciate a decent Sports section until you don't have one. Even the Sunday Sports section in the Sun takes about 5 minutes to read. Here's how it goes: Orioles suck, lacrosse, local minor college minor sports news, Orioles suck, women's lacrosse, truncated MLB and NBA box scores, men's lacrosse, TV listings, college lacrosse, professional lacrosse, will the O's ever trade Brian Roberts, high school lacrosse, tidbit about the Ravens, and oh yeah, more about lacrosse. Calling it a "fishwrapper" would be an insult to fish. Thank the gods there's news about more than lacrosse out here on the interwebs.
• Sporadic communications.

Saturday Quickies

Though it aired a couple of weeks ago, I just caught BSG: Razor last Sunday night. Yeah, it covered some ground that's been tread before, but I thought it was exceptional. Michelle Forbes can do no wrong and Stephanie Jacobsen was stellar as Kendra Shaw. Someone put her on a show, stat. (Maybe a rival spy on Chuck? A "Faith" to Sarah's "Buffy?") And who didn't squee with fanboy (or girl) delight when the old-school toaster said "by your command?"

Speaking of BSG, here's another wrinkle in the Katee Sackhoff Bionic Woman saga. May be moot anyway, since the ratings have tanked.

In case anyone didn't realize it, moving sucks. Sucks hard. The labor, the chaos, the total feeling of untethered helplessness. Of course, doing it by yourself -- in a snowstorm -- doesn't make it any easier. When this happens again, and godsdammit, it will, I think I'll train the cats to act as burros and put boxes on their backs.

I could go into a rant about Comcast and DirecTV that would take up much of the available space on the interwebs, but I won't. The short version is that I'm doing all in my power, short of wearing a dish on my head, to avoid the crappy service, incompetent representation and bewildering failures of the Comcast Ti-Faux. For over a decade, I've been pleased as pie with DirecTV, but recent discussions with the Freebird indicated that while the service itself remains superb, their subcontractors for installations give new meaning to buffoonery. Sadly, I've come to realize this fact. After 4 (count 'em!) attempted hook ups, I'll know later this afternoon whether I'm doomed to another year of entertainment raping at the hands of Comcast, or I'll have established a tenuous detente with DirecTV.

It appears the Heisman is Timmy's to lose.

The Chipster had a memorable exchange recently with an SI writer. I think it's in the standard contract that "journalists" sign with SI that they must ignore, discount or slight UGA in some fashion. I'll leave it to his judgment if he wants to share his correspondence in the comments.

Did I mention that I can look out my window and see snow? After 5 years, my all-wheel drive is finally coming in handy.

I normally hate the holidays, eschew any pomp and circumstance and don't bother with presents, especially for myself. However, this year, I think I may be treated with a satellite radio. 472 channels piped into the multi-speaker array in my luxury vehicle -- just so I can get non-stop sports talk. Which in this market, would be great, since there's only so much chatter about the Redskins and Ravens you can listen to without wanting to drive headlong into oncoming traffic.

For those anticipating JJ Abrams new Trek movie, here's a handy "A-Z."

Remember bullpen cars? Great article on those here.

Canadians are serious about workplace safety. Check this and this out. Not for the faint of heart.

I didn't know Columbus, Georgia was "down under."

Another of Wil Wheaton's hilarious Star Trek: TNG recaps.

A touching, sentimental movie about four men struggling with a disease. (NSFW, if your sound is on).

If I was the Commish

Baseball's half way point has just passed, so it got me thinking. What would I change about the game if I was an omnipotent commissioner? (Think Kennesaw Mountain Landis with less racism, rather than Bud Selig with more of a clue).

How about:

1. The Braves would always air all their games on TBS. Not only because that's what I grew up with and what made them "America's Team" even when they were stinking up the joint, but it also makes the games easier to find than having to flip around the 600s to see who is airing them. Plus, if I go out of town, I won't need to purchase the goddamned Extra Innings package just to watch one team.
   
2. No DH.
3. However, if you keep the DH, then I would feature AL rules in NL parks during interleague play, and vice versa. Part of the "charm" of IL play is seeing teams that you don't see ordinarily. So why not take it the next step, and make sure the home fans see other things they don't see every day? Manny Ramirez should be required to piss behind every outfield.
   
4. Bonds and Sheffield. Banished forever. To a place without reporters, and from which no sound emanates.
5. Replay on HR calls. How hard would this be?
6. Not as much divisional play. A balanced schedule across the league.
7. "Fair" IL play. Everyone in your division should play the same "other league" teams. Yes, I understand "rivalries" are part of the intrigue about IL play. Some match up naturally, particularly in places like NY, Chicago and LA/Anaheim/Orange County where there are two franchises. So if we must do this, then keep ONE rivalry component of IL, but then make sure the rest of your division plays the exact same other league teams.
8. Home field in the World Series would go to the team with the best overall record. Pretty simple stuff there. The All Star Game is an exhibition, and it's a travesty that this determines home field (as was alternating leagues or a coin flip).
9. Pants would not be allowed to touch your cleats. Jesus Christ how I hate the "pajama bottom" look. I wish MLB would employ the "uniform nazi" approach of the NFL. Baseball players should always show stirrups and sanitaries.
10. Scott Boras would be taken off to Gitmo, and never heard from again.
11. Home Run Derby at the All Star Game would be shortened. 5 "outs" each in the first round to get from 8 to 4 players. Then maybe 7 outs each to get from 4 to 2 players, with the count of HRs starting at 0 for the round. Then you can have 10 outs for the final, with the counts resetting at 0 again. And Berman should stick to football.
12. You could assume the double play in scoring. So many other things are judgment calls, why not that? (Your long national nightmare would be over, Lee).

Wouldn't that be a better game?

Infielder on milk carton

With all the good news and bright spots surrounding this year's edition of the Atlanta Braves (Hudson looks great! Bullpen is a strength! McCann and Frenchy hitting! Different heroes every night! Best record in baseball!), there's one truly bizarre story emerging.

Infielder Willy Aybar is nowhere to be found. Aybar, who was obtained in the deal for Wilson Betetmit last year (and I hated to see Betemit go, though he's hitting less than .100 right now), was to be the back up for Chipper when he invariably suffers a foot injury at some point during the year.

He had the typical "visa problems" getting to spring training, and suffered a hand injury that put him on the shelf for a while. Then, he failed to show up for treatment for the injury and has not been seen nor heard from since. Huh? Is he on an island getting a new nickname from Sawyer? What is this? How does a player on a major league roster just vanish? I haven't read anything about contract squabbles or pulling a Derek Bell (the hilarious "Operation Shutdown"). Where the hell is he?

Possible reasons for Willy Aybar's disappearance:

• Bob Wickman threatened to take his per-diem meal money every day.
• With Scott Thorman and Pete Orr on the roster, there are too many Canadians around. And from watching South Park, you know they can't be trusted.
• Was last seen partying with Ron Mexico.
• Got map to stadium from Pascual Perez.
• Man-crush on Jeff Francouer was unrequited.
• Thought Oceanic 815 was team charter.
• Disappointed that Chipper doesn't resemble Heather Mills yet.
• He's been playing with the Atlanta Hawks, and no one noticed.
• Irrational fear of John Schuerholz's suspenders.

Looking in Boxes

Baseball box scores are one of those truly "old school" delights in a world with scores, video highlights and other technological advancements at your fingertips. There's a certain traditional charm about baseball, that almost always ties back to father and son memories. I recall Sam teaching me how to read and understand box scores (along with baseball itself, as well as "scoring" the game). All sports have some sort of agate type recap, but there's a beauty and simplicity to the baseball box scores that tell a story in a linear fashion.

I almost always read baseball box scores in the paper, and like everything else I do, there's a "process" I go through every day. Because I'm sure that you're fascinated with these little OCD slices of life, I thought I'd share. (Note: I don't play fantasy baseball anymore, in which case the list would be completely different).

1. Braves Box Score
Obviously, I'm a homer and want to see how my favorite team did. Always read these first.

2. Braves Competitors Box Score
Next you move to the teams that are in direct competition with your favorite team. How did the teams in the division do? Phillies, Mets, Marlins (I won't even include the Nationals, as I don't think they qualify as a major league team this year). Also, you check out the team that's up next on the Braves schedule, to see who is hot and who is not coming into the series against your team.

3. Former Braves
I always check to see how former Braves (that I like) are doing. Laroche. Giles. DeRosa. Furcal. Betemit. Franco. Glavine.

4. Prediction Players
Then I check on how my predictions for various MLB honors are doing.

5. Players I Hate
I look in the box scores to check out the games and stats of players I simply loathe, with the fervent hope that it includes a "golden sombrero," HBP, E, GDP, CS or plummeting average (or rising ERA). Box scores don't indicate torn ACLs, but one can hope. These types of players include Barry Bonds, Kenny Lofton, Gary Sheffield, Dan Kolb, among others.

6. Players of Note
Then, time depending, I check out high profile players: popular, big salaries, new location, coming back from injury, etc. Ichiro. Nomar. A-Rod. Pujols. Mauer. Soriano. Zito. Gagne. Matthews Jr. Griffey Jr.

Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks

Actually, I hate cracker jacks. Not a big fan of caramel.

2007 Major League Baseball Predictions Part 2: Individual Awards

American League

AL MVP: Vladimir Guerrero
AL Cy Young: Johan Santana
AL Rookie of the Year: Dice K

National League

NL MVP: Ryan Howard
NL Cy Young: John Smoltz
NY Rookie of the Year: Kevin Kouzmanoff

Chris Reitsma is not here to fuck us in the ass anymore

2007 Major League Baseball Predictions Part 1: Division Winners and Wild Cards

National League

West: Dodgers. Very solid rotation (until Grady Little leaves someone in until they resemble J. Walter Weatherman) and speed at the top of the order. Lineup needs to stay healthy for them to stay ahead of the Padres and possibly surprising D-Backs.

Central: Brewers. In a division where hanging around .500 will put you in striking distance in September, Ben Sheets will anchor a good staff and allow some young talent to blossom. Plus, I lived in Wisconsin as a kid and any team tied that closely to beer deserves to win every once in a while.

East: Braves. Yes, I'm a homer. I still think this team will rebound from a "disastrous" 2006 season, where they finished 4 games under .500. Andruw is in a walk year, and Chipper, Francouer, McCann and Renteria should put up good numbers. Offense will be cobbled together from platoons and/or the hot hands at 1st, 2nd and LF. The pitching will be surprisingly solid on the front end, and with a rebuilt pen, saves won't be "blown" with the frequency of a Columbus stripper.

Wild Card: Phillies. Much better pitching than the Mets, with almost as much "thump" in the day to day lineup.

American League

West: Angels. Even though they can't figure out which fucking city they want to be from, they're still the class of the West. The A's will hang around like usual, but unless Vlad's back gives out or Gary Matthews starts using dirty needles, the California/Anaheim/Los Angeles/Orange County Angels will take the division.

Central: Tigers. Toughest division to pick, as Cleveland, Chicago and Minnesota should all be competitive and improved over last year. And with Kenny Rogers injured (not from pine tar), the Tigers will have to rally their rotation or put up some serious numbers (having newly acquired cancer Gary Sheffield should help with that). Basically, I'm picking Detroit because Jim Leyland is the only person I know who smokes more than I do, and he (along with Keith Richards) gives me hope that I'll live to see another birthday.

East: Red Sox. Moving Papelbon to the bullpen is a great move for them, and I'm fully buying into the gyroball hype. Better pitching than the Yankees and even though Toronto will be improved as well, I think Boston takes the division.

Wild Card: Yankees. Outstanding top to bottom daily lineup, and A-Rod will put up monster numbers in what could well be a "walk year." Not enough starting pitching to keep up with the Sawx, though the Clemens sweepstakes could change all that.