Quickies

I've been trolling liquor stores lately (just for the free moving boxes, y'all. Really) and haven't had much time to post, but here are a few items just to tide my loyal six readers over:

I still don't have a clue what's going on with John From Cincinnati. But I still keep watching.

Psych had been tighter and funnier this year than last.

Sunday's episode of The 4400, "The Marked," was about an abductee with the "special power" to uncover conspiracies and then turn them into D-level, Ed Wood esque horrible movies. The movies within the show were funny as hell. If you didn't catch this, look for the reruns. It's definitely worth your time. Also, the filmmaker character from the episode, Curtis Peck, has his own myspace page. It features a scene from his Kennedy assassination masterpiece, Dead - Completely Dead.

I gave Saving Grace a try. Too early to call on this one. While I like Leon Rippy's tobacco chewing angel, and Holly Hunter looks great and acts her ass off, there's a fine line between X-Files supernatural intrigue and more literal biblical explanations. I'll watch again, but I'm not sure it will be added to the prestigious Season Pass list.

Speaking of TNT, The Closer has been better than ever. It seems like they've been ping-ponging back and forth between heavy, serious episodes and light hearted farce. Which has been great. Last Monday's episode, with an ornery Brenda Leigh, the team in hazmat suits and the dumbest criminals ever (rivaling Ruthless People's "this could very well be the stupidest man on the face of the earth") was laugh out loud funny.

I guess I won't be appearing in a Disney movie anytime soon. Nor will Mickey be lighting up the post-coital Marlboro after a night with Minnie. Which reminds me of one of my favorite jokes: Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in Divorce Court. The judge says to Mickey, "Let me get this straight. You say you want to divorce Minnie on the grounds of 'insanity?'" Mickey looks at the judge and says, "No, I didn't say she was insane. I said she was fucking Goofy."

Lindsay Lohan is a wet, hot disturbing mess. You'd almost think she was from Columbus, GA, except that she's earned her childhood money standing up.

ESPN gets a lot of shit around the blogosphere (and with good reason. That "Who's Now" excrement is an affront to broadcasting and all measures of intelligence), but their town hall meeting about Barry Bonds last night was very well done. I could have watched that for another hour. It was balanced, interesting and represented several different viewpoints.

Casting is coming in for the adaptation of the greatest "comic book" (and I use that term lightly. More like "illustrated literature") ever, Watchmen. Can't wait for this one.

Lost news: "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllt!"

Great casting for the new Trek movie.

For the past year or so, I've gotten into the habit of watching some middle of the road procedural on the Tivo when I go to bed. I used to watch SportsCenter, but between the "boo-yahs," endless/mindless self-promotion and "Who's Now" I just couldn't stomach it. At first I tried Without a Trace. I liked Anthony LaPaglia and Poppy Montgomery is smoking hot, but the overall tone was just too dour and humorless, and too many of the missing subjects were kids. And I hate kids on my TV. So next I tried CSI: Miami. Now, I'm a fan of CSI: Original Recipe, but never really watched any of the others. Here's what I've discovered about CSI: Miami. I have a crush on Emily Proctor. (Hot blonde with a real southern accent? Wow). And this show is much better when viewed as a comedy. I mean, David Caruso is hysterical! In his honor, enjoy this oldie but goodie: Caruso's CSI: Miami one liners. Once it starts, you just can't stop watching. Just for fun, here's Jim Carrey's homage. And finally, I think Caruso's sunglasses deserve an Emmy for best supporting actor.

The oblique, and then there's JFC

Okay, I just watched last Sunday's John From Cincinnati episode "His Visit: Day Five" for the second time. And here's what I'm sure of:

• Cissy didn't scream every single line.
• She gave Butchie, er, a "hand" when she was on acid and he was a teenager, and that explains a lot about why they're both so fucked up.
• Bill is still fucked up about his wife's death, but he listens to the voice of his dead wife through John. And he listens to the voice of Zippy. The parrot.
• Tina's porn producer doesn't market the names of his films very well.
  
• Something's up with Cass's camera.
• Jennifer Grey doesn't look like Baby anymore, and Dickstein's certainly not putting her in the corner.
• Hi, Trixie from Deadwood!
• The dude in room 24 doesn't look so good. Anymore.
• There's a reason I hate tuna salad.

Okay, here's what I'm not so sure of:

• Everything else.

I've wrapped my noodle around labyrinth, mystifying plots before. Even when they don't add up to a lick of sense at the end (Hello! X-Files!). I've waded my way through curly-Q, elaborate Milchian language, shrouded by hidden motivations, before (Hello! Deadwood). But this show is borderline impenetrable. Yet I am utterly fascinated. Is it adding up to something I just can't seem to understand? Is it adding up to nothing? Am I alone in being confused? Or should I just take at face value that even the creator and writer doesn't know what the fuck it's about?

I read through the latest TWOP recap, and it's quite funny. Particularly amusing was the poll:

Weirdest-ass thing of the week?

1. There was this really long speech at the end of the show that was sort of unusual.
2. Butchie and Cissy's unfortunate family secret.
3. Freddy, the saxophone-playing drug kingpin.
4. The vaguely menacing making of tuna fish sandwiches.
5. John Monad, defying the space-time continuum.

And really, I can't pick one, though the speech thing, the "centerpiece" of the episode, is bewildering.

This is a train wreck (or masterpiece) of epic proportions, and I simply cannot believe this makes it air each week.

Good news and bad news

As is my nature, first the bad. It appears the proposed (and promised, cocksuckers!) Deadwood movies don't have much of a chance, though the suits still like to leave some hope for the fans.

On the other hand the perplexing yet compelling (at least for me, this one is a total "your mileage may vary") John From Cincinnati is doing much better than the initial ratings have indicated, once you factor in cumulative viewers.

All that can be found right here.

A JFC Quote Sampling

If you haven't yet watched John From Cincinnati, here's a sampling of quotes that you've been missing:

"If that's a tumor, where do I sign up?"

Bill: "I've got my eye on you!"
John: "No, I've got my eye on you!"

Dickstein: Do you have another gun?
Cunningham: I did not buy a backup, against the advice of Pete's Pistol Hut."

"I don't know if I am on foot or horseback"

"Papercuts on the penis, very painful."

"Radio silence 'til further notification. This is a dump a grown man can be proud of!"

"Aren't you glad you didn't blow your brains out yesterday?"

Barry: "Animate or inanimate?" (pointing to standup cardboard chicks)
Dickstein: "Inanimate."

Barry: "I alone then am favored by that jovially, croaking, post-coital falsetto winsomely caricaturing Debbie Boone?"

Kai to John: "Touch my tits."
John: "Tits don't ring a bell."

"Spare me the babe in the woods routine; you just paid to see a woman fuck a donkey".

"Some things I know, and some things I don’t."

Cissy to Mitch: "Not being as bright as you, Mitch, so full of 'The Wisdom of the East,' it sounds like you're saying that what's right for

you is to do whatever you fucking want - which isn't exactly fresh news."

John: "I took a dump. Shaun's much-improved and well. I thought I'd give it a shot. Shit in Bill's pocket. Oh, no, I got my eye on you! The end is near. I'd like to bone you, Kai."

Butchie, with Kai, about a song: "Was this playin the first time I threw up on you?"

"Butchie's gonna drop the hammer."

"And God's taking over for Santa, deciding whose naughty and nice and firing up the coal log to burn the naughty in hell."

"I'm here on orders from my bird."

Barry to Ramon: "Let's call it 'permanently associated,' or is that too overtly gay?"

Butchie: "All my ladies set off the airport metal detectors, or they’re not my ladies long. And let me say this, with the compact metal detector right here in my tongue, I will find everywhere your metal may be hid."

And my new favorite, which will undoubtedly enter my lexicon and be used with great frequency, due to its all around usefulness and particular application to my life:

"We are on the precipice of a clusterfuck."

The most fucked up hour of television ever.

I finally got around to catching up with John From Cincinnati, HBO's new "surf noir" drama on Sundays. I set up a season pass for it on the Tivo, knowing only a few things about it. It was HBO's new drama, and those are generally worth checking out. It was created and written by David Milch, of dear, departed Deadwood fame. Summer is generally the time when the new television slate is bankrupt of ideas and plastered with reality stool samples, so new and different things are worth checking out.

That said, I never got around to watching JFC for some reason. Maybe it was Sopranos hangover, maybe it was the ongoing drama in real life. Perhaps it was the perplexing reviews I read that ranged from "brilliant!" to "impenetrable!" to "what the fuck?!" Anyway, I was bored on the 4th and finally started watching. Four hours later, I'm hooked. Though I have to agree with those three quotes. I mean, really:

• A three generation surfing clan.
• Quasi-Shakespearean dialogue laced with colorful vulgarity.
• A mysterious stranger that spouts zen like non-sequiters and repeats whatever he hears. And has "magical pockets" in his pants that produce cash and credit cards. And heals others from fatal injuries. And heals himself.
• Zippy the parrot, who also apparently has healing powers.
• Surfing patriarchs that suddenly start to levitate three feet off the ground.
• Sex that makes you "see god," but without the sex.
• Luke Perry as a scheming, surf marketing mogul.
• A gay lottery winner, apparently the victim of some abuse, who may or may not see ghosts in a specific hotel room, who buys the local surf hotel.
• A sometimes kind hearted Hawaiian heroin dealer and his unbelievably dimwitted sidekick.

If that sounds "wacky," you don't know the half of it. This is without a doubt the most fucked up television series I've ever seen. I still don't know what the hell is going on, but I'm compelled to watch. It has fantastic performances from the entire cast, and of course, the trademark dialogue that dazzles and mystifies from David Milch. But I still cannot fathom exactly what the hell it's all about. There are the obvious religious metaphors, and it certainly has its share of mystical shenanigans. I don't even know how to describe it, other than to say it's a glorious, fascinating trainwreck -- and I mean that in a good way -- of epic proportions.

It's easy to "punish" JFC in the larger context of HBO. It's certainly not a "replacement" for HBO's signature show The Sopranos. Many folks, me included, still hold a grudge that Milch "left" Deadwood to create JFC. But if you take those issues out, you're left with a curious, bewildering yet strongly compelling and brilliantly crafted hour of television.

Yes, I'll miss Tone and Carm, and Bullock and Al. But I'm watching Mitch, John, Butchie and Zippy the parrot, too.

Speaking of Deadwood, JFC has featured some of the actors from that all time great, among others of note.

Whodat:
Garret Dillahunt is Doc Smith, who diagnosed the youngest Yost with a broken neck and brain death, only to see his patient completely healed by a kiss from Zippy. The parrot. Dillahunt played not one, but two, beautifully realized psychopaths on Deadwood (Jack McCall and Francis Wolcott). Last year, he was Matthew on The 4400.
Austin Nichols is the titular John. He also played Morgan Earp on Deadwood.
Dayton Callie is Steady Freddie, the drug dealer. He was stalwart Charlie Utter on Deadwood, and also recently played the adopted father of the miniature killer on CSI: Original Recipe.
Jim Beaver is Vietnam Joe, who found John originally. Beaver played the long suffering Ellsworth on Deadwood.
Stephen Tobolowsky is a lawyer or administrator from the hospital where Smith works, and played Hugo Jarry on Deadwood.

Others on JFC:
Brian Van Holt is the middle Yost, Butchie. I recall him from the Carla Gugino sci-fi show Threshold, where he was a wooden government agent. Here, he's terrific as the drug addled ne'er do well.
Matt Winston is the disturbed new hotel owner. I remember him as the annoying Daniels from Enterprise.
Paul Ben-Victor is Palaka, the dim-bulb sidekick for Freddie. He was the truck driver in recently in Drive, as well as studio head Allen Grey in Entourage.
Willie Garson is the "surf attorney." He's widely known as gay friend Stanford on estrogen/martini fest Sex and the City, but I also recongize him as extraterrestrial/TV and movie producer Martin Lloyd on Stargate SG-1.

The show also prominently features Rebecca DeMornay as the Yost matriarch, Luis Guzman as the hotel manager, and Ed O'Neill as ex-cop and friend of the family Bill. Who owns Zippy the parrot.