John Yossarian probably had Comcast

I'm moving next month. Not really a big deal, since I'm only moving from one apartment in this complex to another (to facilitate satellite dish reception - which is another story entirely). Being the OCD type that I am, I have checklists upon checklists to make sure everything goes off without a hitch, people show up when they should, and all the incoming deliveries and missives go to the proper place at the proper time. (You know you're probably too focused on the details when you have action items on your list revolving around notifying all the pizza joints of your new address. Either that, or you're just lazy, sad and addicted to fast food. I'd like to think I appreciate the details).

Anyway, I spent the weekend working through items on my list, updating online forms and placing calls to various utilities to make sure things are set up for an event that won't take place for at least another 30 days. Everyone was great, and appreciated the heads up. Everyone, that is, except for motherfucking Comcast.

Now, I don't even have cable service with them. I pray to my lord and god DirecTV. (I did suffer though Comcast's cable service, and their almost comically inept and user-humping "DVR," for a few months during a temp living stint a couple of years ago). I use them for telephone service (which I don't even use, really) and most importantly, for my internet connection. My lifeline to the world, and to you, dear readers. I have no problems with the throughput and uptime of the pipeline. It's been as reliable as other providers I've used in my past. No, my problem is with their customer service and facepalm-inducing procedural circuities.

Moving to a new place, in the same building, should be easy, right? I mean, it's an apartment complex. Everything is already wired. I've got the modem. Shouldn't I be able to just set up the new address/account, walk to the new place, plug the modem into the existing jack, and have them turn on the juice from their magical Master Control Program? Seems simple, right?

Oh no.

You have to schedule a service call, so someone can come do this for you. So I want to call well in advance of the move date, in order to get this appointment set up at the most convenient time for me. When I will be there, dealing with unpacking and getting the DirecTV set up, and then in one fell swoop, have everything exactly as it was in the previous place with a minimum of downtime and disruption. Since the two most important things in life are satellite TV and internet service, I called them first with plenty of lead time (well, the movers are important too, but without TV and webby goodness, I might as well carry items 100 yards one at a fucking time, ya know?). DirecTV? One call. All set. Comcast? Well, 3 calls and 2 internet chats later, it turns out there is someone living in my destination apartment that already has Comcast service. No shit. They're moving out, I'm moving in. Can I just schedule the visit from the technician for my "install," so I can make sure it happens when it's most convenient for me, THE PAYING CUSTOMER? Er, no. They have to verify that the person in the destination unit is actually turning off their service and moving. Which actually, is kinda logical on the surface, but when you think about it, how many nefarious schemers with a current account actually call Comcast more than a month in advance, and plan to have a technican come out to install a modem in a currently occupied apartment? Like I'm going to burst into some dude's apartment, gun in one hand, Comcast technician in tow, tell him that his internet is now mine, and I'll be squatting there surfing the web (and paying for it) until further notice? If they schedule the visit for my turn on -- just fucking schedule it - put it on a goddamned calendar -- they automatically disconnect the current occupant's internet service. What the fuck kind of procedure is that?

"Hey, I'd to set everything up in advance to make it easier for everyone, so can you please make sure to ass fuck BOTH of your paying customers? And make it as inconvenient and filled with hassles as possible? Thankyouverymuch."

So they, the oblivious corporate dildos, have to call the current occupant, confirm his move out and service disconnection date, then call me back and tell ME to call THEM back once his service is turned off, and only THEN can I actually schedule the appointment to have my service turned on, because that scheduling will actually result in his service being terminated.

What. The Fuck.

If you read about a killing spree in the area, just assume it's me. I would blog about it, but I doubt I'll have an internet connection from which to do so.

Maybe Skynet was responsible

Dear TiVo:

You've been very, very good to me. We go way back, the two of us. I was one of those early adopters, when you were only a set top box with maybe 20 hours of recording time (I bought a lifetime subscription! How's that for commitment?). And when DirecTV offered a receiver with an integrated TiVo, well, how could I resist? At my last house, I had four of those things in all different rooms, and I've never ever missed a show that I wanted to watch. One time, one of the boxes had a malfunction, and the good folks at DirecTV sent me another one, no questions asked. However, this is when you were having some business squabbles with DirecTV, and the unit they sent me was their version of a DVR. Out of curiosity, I hooked it up and played with it for about an hour, but I was quickly horrified. This was no TiVo! I called DirecTV back and asked them if there were any TiVo models, they said "yes," and that was that. My wandering eye had been closed, and for good. (I won't even mention the horror of using Comcast's abomination during a brief re-lo stint).

In fact, I may be one of the few people left on Earth who doesn't watch TV in high def -- all because of you. See, when HD came out, this was when you had parted ways with DirecTV, and it just wasn't worth it for me to A. use their substandard TiFaux, or B. reconfigure every room with an HD receiver and a new TiVo separate unit. (I like my peanut butter and chocolate all together, Reese's style). So I'm thrilled that you and DirecTV have kissed and made up, and later this year we'll have an HD DirecTV receiver with my beloved TiVo, and I can join the ranks of the many who enjoy every blade of grass while watching NFL Sunday Ticket and get to see just how bad celebrities' complexions really are.

But last night was the first time you really let me down. As you know, Monday is packed full of TV goodness, what with Chuck, 24, House, Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, Castle and even Heroes on.

At 7:55 PM, both units suddenly went off, and then reset. Obviously, the the only thing crankier and longer than a Windows PC rebooting is a TiVo. With House and Chuck both starting at 8:00, I was worried. You came back online and operational about 8:02. I have no idea what caused this, as no other appliances in the house powered off, so it couldn't have been a local event or circuit. Hmmmm. But at 8:02, I looked in the "now recording" menu and saw both programs. Fine. I can miss 2 minutes, which would probably just be the "previously ons." So as part of my time shifting strategy, I watched Monday's PTI, and was ready to get my Chuck on at 8:25 or so. Called up the show, and voila, everything's just peachy. Watch Chuck (a good, but not great, outing -- hey, are there TRUST issues afoot? Really? /dodges anvils). Okay, time to move on to House. It says "House" in the "now playing menu." It shows "House" in the info bar once the recorded program starts. But then I start seeing these shit lime green graphics that say "The CW." And I start watching some program about impossibly horny and overprivileged teens. Wait, this isn't an acerbic, pill popping doctor. Is this the opening patient fake out? No. Everything on the TiVo controls says this is House, yet I'm watching fucking Gossip Girl. Wha..huh? So I delete this shit and catch up on another show that's been piling up in the queue, and come back around 9:20. Now Showing tells me I can watch Jack Bauer kick Jon Voight's ass, and yet here's some other CW teen crap. What the hell is going on? Fuck. Okay, I decide to watch Heroes, which is really just out of boredom and habit at this point, rather than any fondness for the stupefyingly retconned scripts and (mostly) awful acting. At least this recording actually tuned into NBC, even though there was a bizarre 5 minute break of "nothing" in the middle of the show (that actually put Heroes into 2 separate recordings). Not that I noticed, since Heroes plots already have so many holes that the gap felt like a relief. Later in the evening, the CBS sitcoms recorded perfectly.

Today, I caught up on the 24 episode online (Tony! WTF are you doing?), but it seems that unlike every other FOX show, House won't put its latest eppy on FOX.com nor Hulu until over a week later.

So, the evening wasn't a total disaster, but TiVo, what's going on here? Are you getting glitchy in your old age? Is Skynet angry about Sarah Connor probably getting canceled? Is this just a one time thing? As noted, I've been very, very loyal to you, but I'm not gonna be your bitch if this happens again (what if this occurred on Lost Wednesday? There'd be chalk outlines and news crews involved). If you're feeling faint, just confine it to Heroes or some other superfluous program, okay?

How 'bout we just chalk this up to a "day off," and then get back to our long and fruitful relationship, okay?

Love and Kisses,

Shan

Sweet serial killer goodness

When I moved up here, we were right at the start of Dexter's second season, and I didn't get Showtime as part of the motherfucking cable package. When I finally got into another apartment and reconnected with my beloved DirecTV and TiVo, the season was already over and they weren't repeating it. But thanks to the miracle of TiVo, I just noticed that Showtime 2 was repeating all of the season over the next couple of weeks. That sweet, beautiful set top box was looking out for me, and recording it, starting with the "season premiere" last night. Believe it or not, I stayed relatively spoiler free, and all I know through general pop culture osmosis is that Keith Carradine (so good in Deadwood as Wild Bill) shows up as an FBI agent and that somehow, Dexter winds up in fake rehab. With Lost coming to an end for almost a year, this is indeed a treat.

Let's go chop up some denizens of Miami!

Should I watch it?

My TiVo is littered with potential and failure.

Sometimes, I'll set up a season pass for a show that seems promising, never get around to watching a single episode, and then delete all the eps once the show is canceled or implodes critically. Last year, Smith and The Nine were examples of these types of shows. However, there are also shows that received at least a modicum of acclaim that for some reason, I just never found time for. Brotherhood and The Riches are examples of this category.

Currently, I have two shows racking up TiVo storage hours that I haven't yet viewed. First, there's AMC's Breaking Bad. I set up the season pass based mainly on the fact that I loved AMC's first dramatic offering, the terrific Mad Men, and it promised a darker anti-hero, which is always appealing. Yet I haven't heard much buzz about the show, and the premise does seem very similar to Weeds (whose second season I haven't yet seen -- just like my beloved Dexter -- thanks to the great Comcast debacle of 2007). Second, there's Eli Stone. It seemed like an interesting enough premise, and I could watch SpyDaddy in just about anything. But after an hour of having my brain warped, my reality fucked and taking pages of notes watching Lost on Thursday nights, I'm just spent and forget that Eli Stone ever aired.

So what say you, TNRLM readers? Are these shows worth my time?

I'll take potpourri for $200, Alex

John Byrne, comic icon that I fondly remember from my youth and his time on the X-Men, will be doing a "Lorne" gig for the new (and quite good) Angel: After the Fall comic.

We missed an ep of the new Sarah Connor show on Monday so some empty suited hypocrites could lie to us, but I did stumble across this somewhat cogent breakdown of the various Terminator timelines. Well, as cogent as timeline breakdowns can be when the producers can't even remember the fucking years clearly spelled out in the previous movies. If you're making a show like this (or even one of the movies), wouldn't you have a huge-ass white board up in your writing room with meticulous documentation of all the various timelines and key dates?

Hey, Dinner for Five has an ep tonight! THAT is one of the many reasons I pray daily at the shrine of TiVo. I didn't delete my D5 season pass, and out of the fucking blue a new episode pops up in the To Do List. Just like it should. I've almost forgotten the ass-raping horrors of the three months with Comcast and their antediluvian, ersatz "DVR".

I'm really digging the new iPod and iTunes. More sometime soon on my experiences with this little gem.

Too bad the Super Bowl isn't in Columbus, Georgia. I'm sure the prices are cheaper.

Speaking of which, did anyone catch little Wilbur's question to Christian in the latest Nip/Tuck? "Daddy, is mommy a skank?" Assuming, of course, that a child of two parents who barely have a GED between them will ever learn nouns and verbs, I'm sure this question will be asked repeatedly in Georgia very soon. (And if ya want a real answer to that one, Junior, just ask me. Or any of about 21,387 local area used car salesmen, sweaty insurance agents, college drop outs, random strangers, workers at the area free clinic, drug dealers, construction workers, pimps, sugar daddies, your granddad's co-workers, fry-cooks, or...well....you get the idea).

Nina the werewolf is getting married to a pie-fucker!

Could Cutthroat Bitch be back on House? Pretty please? Could she be the "mystery girlfriend" of Wilson? And how sweet is Anne Dudek's triple play? House, Mad Men and Big Love? Quite impressive. There are the "triple play" actors from the Whedonverse, like Jonathon Woodward, Andy Umberger -- look at this dude's credits! he's the shrink on Mad Men and has been on a lot of quality TV in addition to the Jossverse -- Jeff Ricketts, and Carlos Jacott. But to bag some time on House, Mad Men and Big Love, all from different head writers/producers, makes a TV geek's heart grow two sizes larger.

And in Hell, they'll be watching Comcast

A brief moving update. After a couple of weeks of drama, surprises, fits and starts, I'm basically settled. Most of the stuff that was supposed to arrive from the motherland did arrive and in good order. Notable absences include one of the three microwaves in the old place -- which I had carefully "stickered" and set aside to make the trip north. Hence, I have my fourth microwave. Maybe when I buy a new place, I'll have a special microwave room designed with little cabinets just for nacho cheese and popcorn. And a mirror didn't make the journey either. Given my tip top physical conditioning, fewer reflective surfaces is probably a good thing.

The most important development is the triumphant return of DirecTV service and my beloved TiVo brand DVRs. It took 38 calls to various powers that be, three separate trips by installers, a pole mounted dish several parsecs from my unit and a football field worth of cables, but dammit, all is right in the universe and I'm free of the evil clutches of Comcast (except for phone and internet, which both seem to work fine). Among the many things to be thankful for with this development:

• A recorder that actually works. It doesn't mysteriously and suddenly think Chuck airs on Wednesdays, and then records nothing on Wednesdays (because as we all know, Chuck is on Mondays). You set up a season pass on TiVo, and glory be -- it works! It remembers the day the show airs and actually gives you the options to record only first run, or repeats and first run, or any showing. How novel!
• Searches longer than 6 days. You can look out in the future over two weeks (only for TV shows, sadly. Not for lottery numbers or game winners) and find shows by time, by channel, by title, by actor.
• The ability to pick up programs where you left them. On TiVo, if you stop watching a Lost rerun about 20 minutes in, and go to live TV or another show, when you return to said ep of Lost, it will pick up right where you had been. On Comcast's TiFaux, you had to start over at the beginning and then FF all the way to that part again.
• The 30 second skip. A long known TiVo "hack," you can program "end of line" button to act as a brilliant 30 second instant skip. Perfect for going through commercials. (If you don't know how to do this, it's easily findable with a google search, but I'll give you the skinny here. While watching a recorded program, just hit the following buttons in quick succession: 1. select 2. play 3. select 4. 3 (number three on the keypad) 0 (number zero on the keypad) 5. select. You'll hear three quick confirmation beeps and bingo! 30 second skip.
• NFL network. Just in time to hear more than I ever wanted to know about what a lying dirtbag Bobby Petrino is! And Bryant Gumbel's incompetent play by play!
• NFL Sunday ticket! Hey, I can watch my beloved Falcons again! And not just Ravens and Redskins games! I can track all my fantasy players in real time on the screen and on the laptop, too!
• Station numbers I remember! I never quite got the hang of where some of my favorite channels were on the cable system. But I definitely recall 206, 209, 244, 501, 245, 242 and others.
• Favorite channel grid. I love how in TiVo you can change the onscreen guide to only show the channels you want. No scrolling through all the home shopping crap, jesus-freak programming, Disney pablum and home and garden bullshit.
• All the stuff I've recorded before! Now I can revisit the all of last season's BSGs and Lost. Gigs of Caruso sunglass removal to fall asleep to. Eps of the brilliant Andy Barker, PI. Last season's UGA games.
• Customer service that actually helps you. Of course, I never have to call DirecTV customer service because the product actually works (compared to Comcast, who I actually added to one of the coveted one-touch speed dial numbers on the crackberry). In a little under 4 months, I went through 4 different TiFaux units and had customer service visit no less than 13 times.

Ahhhh, yes. Welcome back TiVo. Burn in Hell, Comcast.

Saturday Quickies

Though it aired a couple of weeks ago, I just caught BSG: Razor last Sunday night. Yeah, it covered some ground that's been tread before, but I thought it was exceptional. Michelle Forbes can do no wrong and Stephanie Jacobsen was stellar as Kendra Shaw. Someone put her on a show, stat. (Maybe a rival spy on Chuck? A "Faith" to Sarah's "Buffy?") And who didn't squee with fanboy (or girl) delight when the old-school toaster said "by your command?"

Speaking of BSG, here's another wrinkle in the Katee Sackhoff Bionic Woman saga. May be moot anyway, since the ratings have tanked.

In case anyone didn't realize it, moving sucks. Sucks hard. The labor, the chaos, the total feeling of untethered helplessness. Of course, doing it by yourself -- in a snowstorm -- doesn't make it any easier. When this happens again, and godsdammit, it will, I think I'll train the cats to act as burros and put boxes on their backs.

I could go into a rant about Comcast and DirecTV that would take up much of the available space on the interwebs, but I won't. The short version is that I'm doing all in my power, short of wearing a dish on my head, to avoid the crappy service, incompetent representation and bewildering failures of the Comcast Ti-Faux. For over a decade, I've been pleased as pie with DirecTV, but recent discussions with the Freebird indicated that while the service itself remains superb, their subcontractors for installations give new meaning to buffoonery. Sadly, I've come to realize this fact. After 4 (count 'em!) attempted hook ups, I'll know later this afternoon whether I'm doomed to another year of entertainment raping at the hands of Comcast, or I'll have established a tenuous detente with DirecTV.

It appears the Heisman is Timmy's to lose.

The Chipster had a memorable exchange recently with an SI writer. I think it's in the standard contract that "journalists" sign with SI that they must ignore, discount or slight UGA in some fashion. I'll leave it to his judgment if he wants to share his correspondence in the comments.

Did I mention that I can look out my window and see snow? After 5 years, my all-wheel drive is finally coming in handy.

I normally hate the holidays, eschew any pomp and circumstance and don't bother with presents, especially for myself. However, this year, I think I may be treated with a satellite radio. 472 channels piped into the multi-speaker array in my luxury vehicle -- just so I can get non-stop sports talk. Which in this market, would be great, since there's only so much chatter about the Redskins and Ravens you can listen to without wanting to drive headlong into oncoming traffic.

For those anticipating JJ Abrams new Trek movie, here's a handy "A-Z."

Remember bullpen cars? Great article on those here.

Canadians are serious about workplace safety. Check this and this out. Not for the faint of heart.

I didn't know Columbus, Georgia was "down under."

Another of Wil Wheaton's hilarious Star Trek: TNG recaps.

A touching, sentimental movie about four men struggling with a disease. (NSFW, if your sound is on).

William the Bloody looks for missing kids and Connor smokes

Earlier this week, it was reported all over the blogosphere that William the Bloody, AKA Spike, (James Marsters) will be joining the cast of Without a Trace. TV Guide's Aussiello notes it here. Though it's a recurring role, it could turn out to be series regular gig in time. At the bottom of this post, I briefly recounted my experience with the show, which I watched for a while as my "go to bed procedural." I gave up -- opting instead for the honey-baked properties of the Caruso ("You need.....to watch.....MY show........instead." YYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHH! screams Roger Daltrey). However, given the addition of the brilliant Marsters, I may check out WOAT again just to see what's going on. But if it turns out to be like watching the back of a milk carton for an hour again, even The Bloody Awful Poet won't keep me tuned in. Oh, and who saw Marsters recently on Saving Grace in a small role as the bad guy? Dark hair, no english accent. Guy is a solid actor and it's nice to see him pop up in some mainstream roles.

Speaking of the Whedonverse, Angel alum Vincent Kartheiser has been playing oily adman Pete on AMC's engrossing, richly drawn Mad Men (he had a chance to shine in last week's ep which further explored Pete's marriage, family life and precarious work situation -- adding some needed depth to the character). I was never the biggest fan of Connor the character (Shan's TV rule: no spawning) though at least we only suffered through a handful of "baby" episodes (including one of the bottom five of the series: "Provider") before Angel's son became a whiny teen, surrogate mom fucker (ew), acolyte of Jasmine and sporting goods store suicide bomber. The character was somewhat "redeemed" late in Season 5, but through it all, Kartheiser did a good job with the occasionally annoying material he was given. Here's a short TV Guide interview with VK.

And finally, after missing the appointment by 3 and a half hours last night, Comcast responded with a new DVR. "Oh," said the technician, "you had the older model. We had a lot of problems with those. When you described your symptoms, I knew what it was. This new one doesn't have nearly as many resets." Hmmm. "nearly as many." That is truly comforting. It reminds me a bit of Aliens:

Bishop: Well, that explains it then. The A2s always were a bit twitchy. That could never happen now with our behavioral inhibitors. It is impossible for me to harm or by omission of action, allow to be harmed, a human being.

We'll see if the new DVR follows the rules of robotics and doesn't allow anyone to be harmed (like, say, folks in a nearby apartment caught by a stray bullet as a deranged, over-the-edge viewer goes all Scarface on his malfunctioning DVR the next time PTI doesn't record).

Are there stronger words that "fuck you" for Comcast?

I previously ranted about my multiple problems with customer-raping shit-box peddlers Comcast on Saturday morning.

Well, since then:

I tried to watch some of the Friday night shows I enjoy, that my "DVR" presumably recorded: Doctor Who, Psych and Monk. During the playback of Monk, the box crashed twice - each time requiring me to manually restart it and wait on it to "reboot." I did see the entire show, so it wasn't a total loss. It did not record Psych. My friendly, reliable old Tivo would have noticed that it "missed" a recording (left me a message in the menu telling me WHY it missed it), and AUTOMATICALLY recorded the next showing of the show in question. Which would have been easy, since USA conveniently airs multiple repeats. However, the Soul-Crushing Anal Raping Television Enjoyment Diminishment Device (tm) did not do this. Fortunately, I found a repeat of Psych and set the show to record. As I happened to be home, I also chose to watch it live. During live viewing, I once tried to hit the "repeat" button to catch a line of dialogue I missed. Crash. Off. Reboot. 10 minutes later, it crashed again. I was left with 3 "snippets" of program with "Reboot Gaps" (tm) for one hour show. Eventually, I stitched together the pieces of this program to make a Comcast Viewing Quilt (tm), which you can imagine only enhances the joy you feel watching a program. Doctor Who didn't record. No explanation. No warning. No attempt to schedule it in the future. (Skiffy is kinda stingy with their Who repeats).

I suffered through four more random crashes while watching various live TV shows on Saturday night, and finally called customer service. (Speed Dial #4). We went through 3 rounds of "I'll send a signal through the line," "unplug it for a minute and start it back up" over the course of 2 hours. Finally, fed up, I implored these douchebags to send a technician out and to bring me another box. That's scheduled for Wednesday, conveniently pinpointed at 6PM at 9PM.

Sunday, 5 more crashes and stitching together an "Entourage Quilt." Today I get home from a long day at work, and wanted to watch Monday's PTI. For which I set up a Season Pass -- or whatever the Comcast equivalent is: Give the Machine Some Instructions from a Logic Impaired Menu that May or May Not Actually Record What You Tell It (tm). No recording. Even though Sunday, I checked to see if all the shows I have set up to record for Monday (Big Love, The Closer, Saving Grace, PTI) and there they were, listed in the "scheduled" recordings. We'll see what happens tonight, and how many crashes I have to suffer through just to see what happens to Brenda Leigh Johnson and the Henrickson clan.

To make matters worse, they air all these Comcast commercials on the dead space they couldn't sell to legitimate advertisers. "It's Comcastic!" they keep saying. "It's Com-Fuck-You-In-The-Ass-Tastic!" I keep hearing.

Watch your cable news channels Thursday for reports of a mass shooting in a cable company office.