Monday, May 3, 2010

John Yossarian probably had Comcast

I'm moving next month. Not really a big deal, since I'm only moving from one apartment in this complex to another (to facilitate satellite dish reception - which is another story entirely). Being the OCD type that I am, I have checklists upon checklists to make sure everything goes off without a hitch, people show up when they should, and all the incoming deliveries and missives go to the proper place at the proper time. (You know you're probably too focused on the details when you have action items on your list revolving around notifying all the pizza joints of your new address. Either that, or you're just lazy, sad and addicted to fast food. I'd like to think I appreciate the details).

Anyway, I spent the weekend working through items on my list, updating online forms and placing calls to various utilities to make sure things are set up for an event that won't take place for at least another 30 days. Everyone was great, and appreciated the heads up. Everyone, that is, except for motherfucking Comcast.

Now, I don't even have cable service with them. I pray to my lord and god DirecTV. (I did suffer though Comcast's cable service, and their almost comically inept and user-humping "DVR," for a few months during a temp living stint a couple of years ago). I use them for telephone service (which I don't even use, really) and most importantly, for my internet connection. My lifeline to the world, and to you, dear readers. I have no problems with the throughput and uptime of the pipeline. It's been as reliable as other providers I've used in my past. No, my problem is with their customer service and facepalm-inducing procedural circuities.

Moving to a new place, in the same building, should be easy, right? I mean, it's an apartment complex. Everything is already wired. I've got the modem. Shouldn't I be able to just set up the new address/account, walk to the new place, plug the modem into the existing jack, and have them turn on the juice from their magical Master Control Program? Seems simple, right?

Oh no.

You have to schedule a service call, so someone can come do this for you. So I want to call well in advance of the move date, in order to get this appointment set up at the most convenient time for me. When I will be there, dealing with unpacking and getting the DirecTV set up, and then in one fell swoop, have everything exactly as it was in the previous place with a minimum of downtime and disruption. Since the two most important things in life are satellite TV and internet service, I called them first with plenty of lead time (well, the movers are important too, but without TV and webby goodness, I might as well carry items 100 yards one at a fucking time, ya know?). DirecTV? One call. All set. Comcast? Well, 3 calls and 2 internet chats later, it turns out there is someone living in my destination apartment that already has Comcast service. No shit. They're moving out, I'm moving in. Can I just schedule the visit from the technician for my "install," so I can make sure it happens when it's most convenient for me, THE PAYING CUSTOMER? Er, no. They have to verify that the person in the destination unit is actually turning off their service and moving. Which actually, is kinda logical on the surface, but when you think about it, how many nefarious schemers with a current account actually call Comcast more than a month in advance, and plan to have a technican come out to install a modem in a currently occupied apartment? Like I'm going to burst into some dude's apartment, gun in one hand, Comcast technician in tow, tell him that his internet is now mine, and I'll be squatting there surfing the web (and paying for it) until further notice? If they schedule the visit for my turn on -- just fucking schedule it - put it on a goddamned calendar -- they automatically disconnect the current occupant's internet service. What the fuck kind of procedure is that?

"Hey, I'd to set everything up in advance to make it easier for everyone, so can you please make sure to ass fuck BOTH of your paying customers? And make it as inconvenient and filled with hassles as possible? Thankyouverymuch."

So they, the oblivious corporate dildos, have to call the current occupant, confirm his move out and service disconnection date, then call me back and tell ME to call THEM back once his service is turned off, and only THEN can I actually schedule the appointment to have my service turned on, because that scheduling will actually result in his service being terminated.

What. The Fuck.

If you read about a killing spree in the area, just assume it's me. I would blog about it, but I doubt I'll have an internet connection from which to do so.

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