Fuck you, Comcast, and the cable you ride in on

One of the most traumatic things for me during this transition has been the loss of my beloved DirecTV and TiVo. Here in temp apartment land, Comcast Cable is the king of the world. And if this is what regular viewers and customers of cable go through, then I can only suggest this must account for some major factor in the world's suicide rate.

It started badly, when I got in late Friday and after examining the box in the TV console, realized that I didn't get the "Ti-Faux" DVR installed that I requested. It got worse when I tried to tune in to HBO on Sunday for JFC and Entourage, only to realize that I didn't get HBO as agreed upon. A call the Executive Stay management quickly brought out the cable repair dude Monday night with a DVR. (at the specific appointment time of "5 PM to 8 PM.") I was complaining that I couldn't really hear the dialogue coming from the TV, even with the sound cranked all the way up. And no, this isn't just because I'm used to surround sound coming from every room in my former house, including the bathroom. Cable dude says this was because of a bad connection and the "signal to noise" ratio. Oh, okay. He fixed it though, and I tune in to HBO. "Not Authorized." Shit. So he uses an annoying "walkie talkie" function on his phone to reach his dispatcher, and after going through 15 minutes of bullshit we arrive at the conclusion that I'm "not authorized." Sigh. Up the chain I go at Comcast and finally reach a supervisor who tells me that that I'm "not authorized." Thanks for the investigative reporting there, John Stossel. I offer to scan my Executive Stay agreement which CLEARLY spells out HBO and e-mail it to him. Or show him the apologetic e-mails from said management begging my forgiveness and giving me free Marriott points for not having HBO when I arrived on Friday. Nope, says the Comcast management ventriloquist dummy. They need a "voice recording authorizing" the addition, since their name is technically on the lease. Oh, that makes sense. A random voice -- recorded and all -- is much more authentic than a legal, signed agreement. Douchebag. So I miss Big Love on Monday night. Fortunately, Executive Stay folks are responsive and HBO is added Tuesday AM. And I catch up with Entourage, Big Love and JFC through repeat airings.

They also have this feature called "On Demand." It has shows in an online repository that you can view at your leisure, free of charge (if you are "authorized" of course). A lot of it is crap, but they do feature the HBO shows, and some CBS shows. So one evening, I decide to go to sleep to the dulcet tones of the Caruso. When I call up to view this program, it asks for a password. Pourquoi? Another call to Comast customer service (now occupying Speed Dial number 4 on my crackberry), another 15 minute wait for a live human being and we have to "reset" the box from afar. Okay. 5 minutes later, we try again, same shit. We try password "0000" and of course, it works now. Then we go through steps that can only be rivaled by Scotty trying to rebuild the warp engines with duct tape and bailing wire to remove the "parental locks." Finally, the locks are removed.

Wednesday evening, I try another On Demand program. Screen goes black and the box locks up. Hello, Speed Dial number 4. a message greets me, informing me that On Demand is not working in my zip code, but I should rest assured that technicians are working diligently on the problem. To no one in particular, I mumble (in my Best Caruso voice -- cock head to side and intone with deep seriousness): "Well..........Fuck you.........Comcast."

Thursday and Friday features 4 separate "box crashes" and reboots.

And I haven't even gotten to the interface for the DVR. Compared to TiVo, the controls and set up are about as intuitive as a life raft on a dune buggy. The menus are clunky and take too long to "load." Setting up "season passes" makes no mention of eliminating repeats and asks dumbass questions like "record this show at this time on this day in this timeslot." Did TiVo copyright protect LOGIC? Jesus H. Christ.

So rough Comcast totals for one week:

Incorrect orders: 2
Technician visits: 1
Box crashes and reboots: 6
Calls from Marriott to Comcast: 3
Signal to Noise problems: 2
New cable couplings installed: 4
Speed Dial 4 calls: 7
Minutes on hold: 258
Brain cells killed trying to transition from TiVo to "DVR:" 3,726
Parental locks activated for no reason: 2
TiVo remote controls previously programmed to easily operate a Sony TV: 1. Comcast remote controls programmed to easily operate a Sony TV: 0.

At this point, I'm considering contacting a good area lawyer to see if I have a lawsuit against Comcast for undue pain and suffering.