Friday, May 15, 2009

One day, when I'm a big rock star...

Came across this item, outlining the "tour rider" (the list of necessities a star contractually demands backstage) for pop princess Kelly Clarkson.

It's really remarkable how simple and unpretentious the list is, and makes me love Kelly even more. For comparison, check out the rider of J-Lo when she had a bit part in a charity video. And of course, we all remember the infamous "no brown M&Ms!" clause from Van Halen back in the day.

So, even though I don't sing in public, and couldn't hit a note if my car/shower singing was filtered through the Hall 9000 version of Autotune, I like to imagine that one day I could be a rock star. (Maybe I shouldn't give up on that dream. After all, look around the Top 40 these days, and that tonal deficiency sure hasn't stopped a lot of successful "artists"). So what would my "rider" look like? Glad you asked.

Upon arrival backstage, the artist should have:
  • 10 bags of crushed ice, preferably the "pellet" ice often found at Sonic or Zaxby's.
  • Ice must be stored in Coleman stainless steel coolers, as found at UGA tailgates, or used by the Dharma Initiative circa 1977.
  • 30 bottles of water. (ice cold) Any brand is fine.
  • Two half gallon bottles of Crown Royal.
  • UGA stadium cups, preferably black. (No white cups).
  • Two airpots fresh ground coffee. One dark roast, one light roast.
  • One half gallon fat free half and half.
  • Coffee travel mugs, preferably stainless steel. Although "STEROFOAM" is okay too, because its impact on the the environment is vastly overstated, and well, I'll be long dead before the planet rots away.
  • One case of diet Coke.
  • Five extra large, extra soft towels, preferably washed in with excessive amount of Snuggle. And the blood of newborns. (last requirement optional).
  • Party platter of Chic-Fil-A nuggets. With Zaxby's sauce.
  • Plasma TV, connected to DVD player.
  • Entire Firefly series on DVD.
  • Wireless internet connection.
  • 42 packs of IceBreakers gum.
  • One large platter of chili cheese fries, with sides of sour cream and ranch. (Waffle, steak, crinkle and other large fries okay. Shoestring NOT).
  • All security guards backstage must be attired in RED Starfleet uniforms. (Reboot uniform design preferable).
  • One large bowl, designed to replicate the Holy Grail in 13x scale, filled with Reese's Pieces.
  • Five cartons of Marlboro Ultra Lights.
  • Five Zippo lighters (fueled).
  • Five large bean bag "chairs."
  • No furnishings, posters, napkins, attire or any visible evidence of the "color" ORANGE must be present at any time. No "jorts." Any employees or concert attendees with the names "Meyer," "Spurrier," "Wuerffel" or "Tebow" must be removed from the arena. And taken out behind the facility and shot. (Quietly. And this clause must be removed from documentation for legal considerations, but ya get the message, right?).
  • One basket of kittens. (Who doesn't love kittens?)
  • A/C must be set to temp below 68 degrees.
  • One box disposable eyeglass cleaning wipes.
  • Keebler cookies, served by real elves (not short people dressed like they're going to a Ren Fair).

That's mine. What would be on your rider?


  1. You left out two boxes of Goodys Headache Powders (64 count). And, you should opt for the Garlic Blue Cheese Fries at Summits, rather than the Chilli Cheese.....

  2. Excellent addition on the Goodys. And I think you may be right about the Garlic Blue Cheese Fries, too. Join the band!!

  3. Chik-Fil-A nuggets with Zax sauce is the best idea I've heard in at least four years. That beanbag chair/bed is a close second.

    Mind if I "borrow" this for my blog if I promise a linky-link?

  4. Don't get me wrong, I love the Zax chicken, but it's slightly below the CFA IMHO. Combine the two, and it's a thing of beauty.

    And I "have" (in storage) one of those beanbags, and it is AWESOME. No better or more comfy place to veg out.

    And please, by all means, link away!