Did everyone spend the fucking 80s in an elevator?

Here we are with this week’s Idol, and the theme is “songs from the year you were born.” Other than serving to make me feel like I should be carbon dated, I’m actually looking forward to this, since I’m sure all these kiddies were born in the 80s. And if you’re reading this here blog, you’ll know that the 80s are, like, you know, my mostest favorite decade. (Of course, I am suffering from a little Fringe withdrawal, so if this gets too tedious with bad song choices, then I may just fast forward through it and get on with the business of watching Peter crack wise and Walter obsess about snack foods and talk to his cow).

Anyhoo….here we go:

Is it just me, or is Kara looking hotter and hotter each week?

Danny bats lead off, having been born in 1980 (I think they’re going oldest to youngest? Does this mean Allison will finally get some Idol love and be in the pimp spot?). He’ll be kinda cheating, performing “Stand By Me,” since Mickey Gilley did a remake of the classic Ben E. King song for the Urban Cowboy soundtrack. (I have fond memories of that soundtrack, listening to it with some friends while learning how to play poker). In a way, it’s a double “cheat,” much like the finale of Life On Mars was a dream within a dream within a hyperspace slumber, because Gokey sounds nothing like Ben E. King nor Mickey Gilley. Rather, he sounds like he’s doing the adult contemporary version of “Stand By Me” that would play in a Disney off Broadway musical adaptation of Urban Cowboy that doesn’t feature Scott Glenn in a tight mesh shirt or Deborah Winger getting fucked. Sigh. I know the Ghoulish Widower gets a lot grief, but since I missed a lot of the early backstory, I’ve been impressed with him thus far. However, this was not one of those nights. I thought he overreached with the schmaltziness (interesting side note, my spell checker didn’t blink at “schmaltziness”) of the arrangement, and it was totally uninteresting and made me long for either of the two popular versions. The judges seem to love it. 5 for me.

Kris, who is beginning to grow on me, is up next with 1985’s “All She Wants to Do is Dance.” (Sigh. I think there will be a lot of “sighs” during this hour. He said he wanted to grow up to be a taxi driver. I would be more interested if he said he wanted to grow up to be Taxi Driver, AKA Travis Bickle, and have crushes on Cybill Sheppard and Jodie Foster and kill random members of the dark underbelly of New York. But I think he was speaking more of being a hack, and we’ll see if that turns into “hackery” for the song. Also, in 1985, I think I discovered the hooka). What are these people doing to my beloved 80s music? This sounds like Don Henley by way of Jamoroquai, on Jamoroquai’s worst day. (and I say that loving a good number of Jamoroquai tunes). He goes away from the James Taylorish drivel, but Kara hits it on the head, saying that it sounds like someone gave him “jazz funk” homework. Decent, at best, vocals, and an ass arrangement. 4

Next we have Lil, with Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got to do With It” from 1984 (I guess we’re not going in chronological order). Finally, something in her wheelhouse that I can see her performing well, that doesn’t take the shouty train on the shouty tracks, all the way to shouty town and put her up in the shouty suite at the shouty inn. Well, that was just okay. And still shouty. And when she wasn’t shouty, she was taking deep breaths, getting ready to shout. There was no nuance or subtlety to that, and it was just a pale, pale imitation of Tina. (And Paula – PAULA! – makes sense). The judges, since I’ve been watching, keep talking about Lil’s potential, but since I’m on board since only the top 13, I haven’t seen it. 3

Anoop is up next, first apologizing (not too eloquently) for being a petulant twat last week. He was born in 1986, and will be doing “True Colors,” one of my least favorite and most overplayed songs of the decade. Sigh. Is Fringe on yet? He gives a very restrained, controlled version of the song that’s not unpleasant. It’s faint praise to call this the best of the night thus far. 6

Scott was born in 1985, and will be doing “The Search is Over.” Fuck, these people are raping my memories of the 80s. Did I TiVo through the beginning, when they said the theme was “music from the year of your birth, that’s only played in elevators and dentists' offices?” Jesus Adult Contemporary Christ. And what does it take to make you appreciate the lead vocalist of Survivor? This was a mess, and he couldn’t hit the notes he needed to. I will give Scott credit for being personable and funny, even if his continued presence on the show is dragging it down. Terrible. 2

Allison was born in 1992 (I’m Ooooooooold!), and will be performing “I Can’t Make You Love Me.” Aw, as Gob Bluth would say, COME ON! Did the parents of all these contestants, for the first year of their lives, keep them in a tiny sealed chamber that only piped in Muzak? I mean, this is a decent song from a really good album, but there’s a sameness to everything I’m hearing this evening that feels like I’m sitting in a waiting room in Hell. On one hand, it’s a decent choice for Allison, whose “rocker chick” schtick frequently gets (unfairly) ignored by the judges, and I understand the desire to show them something different. It’s an engaging performance, and one with restraint and color, but it leaves me with a decided, but appreciative, “meh.” 7

Matt was born in 1985, and will be giving us the gift of “Part Time Lovers.” SIGH. Does no one remember the dawning and dominance of early MTV? The English new wave? The rise of pop-tinged hair metal? The cultural incursions into the top 40 and public consciousness made by “alternative” bands? Fuck, almost ANY song from that list of Top One Hit Wonders of the 80s would be preferable to the seven choices I’ve seen here tonight. Matt does a decent job with his Timberfake, whitewashed Stevie Wonder, but he’s overly enamored with his supposed “blue eyed soul” to the point that I can’t enjoy it. (It’s like the Life On Mars thing again; he’s thinking he’s doing a white guy, doing a white guy, doing soul. If you want to hear real blue eyed soul from the 80s, check out Daryl Hall, Paul Carrack, Boz Scaggs, Paul Young or any number of artists). 6

Adam is in the pimp spot, and let’s PRAY that one of these folks has an interesting song choice.

HOLY SHIT. I’ve come to the end of the recorded program, and NO ADAM. Fortunately, I’ve TiVo’d this AND Fringe, so I’ll get to see what he does, but what about the rest of America, who might not have recorded the much better program? Will this be a controversy? I don’t expect that Adam, no matter what he does, will be in the Bottom 3, but it will prove interesting to see what the producers do with this development. Has this happened before?

Adam was born in 1982, and will be doing “Mad Love,” a Tears for Fear song that I LOVE both in its original TFF incarnation, and in the Gary Jules version from Donnie Darko. I had hoped for something more fun, upbeat and 80s kitsch, but this will hopefully cleanse the pallet after being trapped in an elevator for an hour. Great choice by Adam, and a heartfelt and extraordinarily well performed version of the song. Best of the night, by a long shot. Bravo, dude. 9


TNRLM Top 3: Adam, Allison, Anoop

TNRLM Bottom 3: Scott, Lil, Kris