Monday, April 9, 2007

God hates Tiger Woods.

GodWatch: Another in an ongoing series of updates regarding the powers and interests of The Almighty.

This past Sunday God took time out of his busy schedule to once again intervene in our earthly and mundane matters of sport, apparently guiding little known golfer Zach Johnson to a win at The Masters. Much like he did when sapping Rex Grossman of all accuracy and talent and "giving" a Super Bowl championship to gay rights detractor/intolerant douchebag Tony Dungy, the lord countered the "obvious effects" of global warming and made Augusta GA a cold, windy and inhospitable place for low scoring.

His divine intervention caused Phil Mickelson to vomit up a triple bogey on the first hole of the final round and Tiger to play like a mere mortal (probably because He didn't want El Tigre to show up His son on His "other birthday" and steal all His press. And the big man upstairs is also probably a little cranky about having to shell out for TWO presents and TWO birthday parties every single year for over two millennia). But new green jacket wearer Johnson knows where his spiritual and sporting bread is buttered, and consistently used CBS airtime to thank his mythological homeboy for kneecapping Retief Goosen and diverting the powers holy away from insignificant issues like Shiite uprisings, Iranian nuclear shenanigans, suffering in Zimbabwe, Grindhouse weekend box office, unholy panning for gold unions or the pestilence of Sanjaya.

Supernatural meddling aside, congrats to Johnson on using his meager human skills and efforts to capture one of sports most distinguished honors and pieces of outerwear.

No comments:

Post a Comment