Next, I'll start clapping like a seal and swallow a pharmacy

Tonight was "Tony Bennett" night on Idol. I always look forward to these nights of classic songs, as that's probably my favorite type of music. If I was stranded on the proverbial desert island (without hatches, smoke monsters or Juliet) and could pick only one type of music to listen to for the rest of my days (before I realized I couldn't make fire without a zippo, that I hate fruits and vegetables and came to the suicidal realization there's no Tivo), these standards would be it. There's comfort, class and elegance to them, and some might call me an "old soul," ya know, if there was such a thing.

Anyhoo, Blake started us off tonight with one of my all time favorites, "Mack The Knife." Again, the coach warned him about the fucking beatboxing and told him to watch the tempo. The song started off safe and boring, and didn't have the "menace" of Bobby Darin. (think about that - not as menacing as Bobby Darin) However, Blake had a great finish with it and I wasn't too disappointed in a reasonably performed version.

Next was Phil, who each week looks more and more like he's auditioning for Alan Ball's new vampire series on HBO. He did "Night and Day," and personally, I thought he knocked it out of the park. Great, rich vocal. The judges weren't crazy about it, but I even put in my notes that he sounds a little like The Chairman. Much to my surprise, Paula also invokes the holy name of Frank. I'm agreeing with Paula now. I run to the medicine cabinet, up my dose, and pour another stiff drink.

Melinda comes on and does her usual Melinda thing, blowing us all away with "I Got Rhythm." What can you say? She's impeccable. There's nothing to criticize with a flawless vocal. Maybe, how can she sing with no neck? Excellent as always.

Chris performs "Don't Get Around Much Anymore." The judges whack off, and I'm wondering what's up tonight. I enjoyed Phil, agreed with Paula, and find this version tediously tremulous. Another great song, and there was just nothing there for me to appreciate. It's almost as if Chris is on a Disney show, where he is a boy band singer at night, and dresses up in spandex during the day to wander an amusement park, handing out cotton candy and occasionally solving crimes, unknown to his single dad and older brother who picks on him. I'm lost with him.

Jordin regales us with "On A Clear Day" and doesn't wear a tablecloth this week. She's cute, effervescent and hits every note. Tony was impressed, as was I. She's a comer. She's gotten better each and every week, shows personality and has the voice to do anything. I love Jordin.

Gina, whom I've often found much better than the judges, takes a step back this week with "Smile." I hate this fucking sappy twaddle. Okey-dokey, just smile and everything will be better. Right. Her voice is okay, I guess, but I was checking my Blackberry for baseball scores during the song and couldn't wait for it to end.

Dear god, it's Sanjaya. You can sense the underlying tension in Seacrest, as he realizes this doofus is stealing all his preteen boy fans who toss off in the bathroom to Tiger Beat. I'll say this for the guy, despite his reed thin and awful vocals, he's embracing the madness and totally enjoying this for all it's worth. I believe the song was "Dancing Cheek to Cheek."

Haley continues her job interview for the cut-rate cruise ship circuit (or the Spearmint Rhino, depending on if her IQ is two digits and her daddy touched her in the "bad place") and tries to flirt up "Ain't Misbehavin." Simon is dead on. She's got nice legs. That's about it for that performance.

Lakisha belts out "Stormy Weather." And by "belts out," I mean "has a great voice, but oversings it with no subtlety."

All in all, not too painful tonight. I'm more worried for my sanity and sobriety, given how I seemed to understand and identify with Paula, sincerely appreciate Phil and want to buy commemorative mouse ears from Chris.

TNRLM's Top 3: Melinda, Phil, Jordin
TNRLM's Bottom 3: Sanjaya, Gina, Haley