Saturday, September 20, 2008

You only have 210 minutes to down your pinot grigio!

Tailgating rules from Arizona State, where the Dawgs will be playing this evening.

So let me get this straight:

Beer and wine is okay for tailgating, but no liquor. So if I want to funnel a box of cheap chardonnay, that's fine. But if I want a whiskey drink, the campus po-po will haul me off to the slammer? Priceless.

You can only set up a tailgate three and a half hours prior to kickoff? You'll spend that much time looking for your corkscrew!

And "no drinking games?" Who patrols and monitors that? So you can chug a bottle of Riesling, as long as you don't keep score? Some games, like "flip cup" or "quarters" would probably be easy to spot. Others, like the "name game" or Thunderchicken creation "jet" not so much. Could you explain a game of "thumper" as an epileptic seizure? I can see some unaware Dawg fan in the Maricopa County lockup, conversing with a fellow prisoner:
"What are you in for?"

"Rape, grand theft auto, intent with a deadly weapon and meth dealing. You?"

"Beer pong."
Those Pac-10 football fans are badasses. Other tailgating rules:
  1. No pork or beef products allowed. Pregame spreads must include sushi, bean sprouts and tofu.
  2. No music (such as the "Southern Fried Tailgate") allowed on external speakers. All Yanni and Zamphir must be played on portable music device with headphones.
  3. All waste material must be recycled on the spot, and turned into playground equipment for homeless children.
  4. All RVs must be powered by electricity or wind.
  5. Tailgaters should purchase carbon offsets to counter the global warming caused by the companies producing their micro-brews.
  6. Don't harrass the brie vendors.
  7. No cheering, chanting or "woof-ing." Polite claps only.
  8. Tailgate areas larger than 10' by 10' must feature a maypole.
  9. Grief counselors provided by the state will be available after the game on the North Lawn.

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