At least it wasn't Yoko Ono

Welcome to American Idol’s 12. They have a new set this year. More expansive, rounded and spherical, and the band is up above the stage. Nice.

Oh dear god. They’re going to do Lennon/McCartney songs. Let me get this straight – you still can’t get the Beatles on iTunes, but they’re letting American Idolers warble them? Oooookay.

First up is Syesha. She talks about hearing the Beatles on an “oldies” station. Break out the tapioca and shuffleboard, I want to kill myself. She’s doing “Got To Get You Into My Life.” Not exactly a stellar opening. Her voice is pleasant enough, but she has trouble keeping up with the beat of the song and hitting the lyrics on point. On the TNRLM 10 point scale, I give her a 5. 10 seconds into the judges, we hear “pitchy.” I go refill my drink.

Next up is Chikezie. Really? His parents must hate him. That sounds like a dish at a Mexican restaurant. “Sorry I couldn’t make it into work today, but the chikezie ripped a hole in my stomach.” Evidently, he stunk it up last week, and he thought he should go home. He works as a TSA screener, so I’m already predisposed to hate him. Every time I see him, I’ll think about unpacking my goddamned briefcase and emptying my pockets in a line with too many people that shouldn’t be taking their shoes off under any circumstances. He’s doing “She’s A Woman.” I’ll give him props for trying something different. This starts off like a b-side from O Brother Where Art Thou, then up tempos into a rock song. Sadly, Mister Put All Your Shampoo Mini Bottles Into A Sandwich Bag doesn’t have the voice to carry this. Wow. Paula steals my O Brother reference, and the whole panel likes this. Really? I liked the arrangement, but thought he was flat and not fully up to the task. 6.

Next we have Ramiele. Fuck me. Is this season really going to be so hard on the spell checker? “In My Life.” This is horrifically boring. And poorly sung. Paul says she’s pretty, so I’m not alone in thinking that it sucked. I could swallow a beer stein full of barbiturates, chase it with Nyquil, and not be more bored and uninterested. 3.

Here we have Jason, who judging by his hair, thinks he’s auditioning for a sequel to Battlefield Earth. He will be doing “If I Fell.” You know, some of these Beatles songs are brilliant in their simplicity. But having a simple melody and arrangement makes you appreciate the indelible mark the Fab Four made with them, once you hear someone turn them into coffee house drivel. Nothing interesting about this. 4.

Commercial interlude: how can a show from Amy Sherman-Pallidino, starring Lauren Ambrose and Parker Posey, look awful? But it does.

Here’s Carly. She’s the chick from Ireland. She made sure to mention that she wanted potatoes on the shopping list. A lass after my own heart, plus I’m digging the eye make up. She’ll be doing. “Come Together.” Wow, this is good. She’s energetic and in good voice. First song of the night I truly enjoyed, and she hit all the notes. The judges love her, and Simon whips out the first Kelly Clarkson reference. 9.

David is a bartender with truly unfortunate hair, and he’ll be doing one of my absolute favorite songs, “Eleanor Rigby.” I’m not sure quite what to make of this. The arrangement is all over the place, and it’s a bit like Eddie Vedder sings “Revolver.” It’s hard to tell if he can keep consistent notes, but it’s a risky choice and I’m not appalled. 7.

Brooke is a nanny from Arizona. At least she talks about buying a Beatles album, rather than hearing it on an oldies station. I’m still not used to the Idols playing instruments, so having her sit at the piano is a bit disconcerting. She doesn’t do a bad job, and has somewhat of a pleasing raspy quality to her voice, but the big notes seem to swallow her. It’s a low key performance that doesn’t miss, but doesn’t hit, either. 6.

David got fired from a pizza joint in Arizona, and says he took a college course on the Beatles. I did too, but the paper I prepared was rolled, not written. He’s doing “I Saw Her Standing There.” This is tremulous, overdone, out of breath and ready for Julie McCoy to point the way to the Lido deck. Not as boring as Ramiele, but far more incompetent. 2.

Here’s Alexandra from Josie and the Pussycats. Or is it Lily Munster? Oh wait, it’s actually Amanda, who rides Harleys and sells medical equipment. She’ll be singing “You Can’t Do That,” which she says she heard for the first time this week. Here’s another one who takes a chance to do something different with the song. At least it’s uptempo and not boring. If they decide to have Janis Joplin week for the next two months, Amanda might have a chance. Otherwise, I’m not sure she has the versatility to keep going. But dear lord, compared to the last song, she was a whiff of Febreze. 6.

Next we have Michael, who spent some time in Georgia (404 represent!) and is originally from Australia. Props to him for actually knowing the fucking Beatles, and rattling off the lyrics in his intro piece like he understood the songwriters are more than some dead dude and a guy getting taken to the cleaners by a pegleg hooker. He’s doing “Across The Universe.” Kind of a big, bold version of the song, not as contemplative and fragile as the original (of course), but not bad. Another 6.

Kristy will be singing “8 Days A Week” country style. Apparently, the Underwood and Pickler strategy is in play here, and she twangs it up. Not quite what I was expecting, and you have to give her some credit for listening to the judges to follow the country muse, but it was a borderline disaster. 3.

Closing the show is another David, who wasn’t fired from a pizza joint. Shit, he looks about 12. He’s doing “We Can Work It Out.” THIS is the dude everyone is picking to win? His voice is okay, and he hits some decent notes, but the phrasing is scattershot and nerves are obviously strangling him in places. He seems like he might be suited to jazz, but this was definitely not his week. 4.

TNRLM Top 3: Carly, Eleanor Rigby David, Michael

TNRLM Bottom 3: Kristy, Ramiele, Pizza Joint David