Cocktail Party virtually live blog: First Quarter

Welcome to the quasi-live blog of the annual Georgia-Florida game. I’ll be writing these comments in real time, and posting them at the end of each quarter. Or, until the game gets out of hand, and I sink into a suicidal depression. So about a quarter and a half, I’d guess. Intro out of the way, here we go…

Holy Christ on a cracker. It starts already. CBS opens the show with a video handjob of Tebow, set to various “Superman” songs. Would it be too much to ask for Lex Luthor to show up in silver britches today, and stick a kryptonite shiv in his kidney? And to have him slowly and painfully bleed out in the bowels of Alltell stadium? Maybe? Please?

Danielson says we need 28 points to stand a chance. Can we score 28 points against a team whose coach doesn’t have a press conference meltdown and berate a female reporter?

Florida always wears white shoes. Dumbeldore would love that. Isaiah Washington would hate it.

Sack! Jesus wept.

2^nd play of the game, and Superman calls timeout to go consult with the smartest coach in the world not named Charlie Weis.

A commercial for the IPhone. I heard Tebow invented that.

Fucking first down. And BTW, what the hell is going on in Kentucky? Is this the Rich Brooks equilibrium?

Florida chewing up yards.

FUMBLE! UGA recovers! Battle makes a savage hit on Moore. One of the few turnovers we’ve forced this year (7 actually). Allen with a nice run back.

Dawgs take over on O.

Nice run by Knowshon.

Second effort by Southerland for a first down.

Sweet spin move by 24. Knowshon is the best 24 not featuring Jack Bauer.

HUGE hole and run by Knowshon. Hell, he may be better than Jack Bauer. Better than Season 6 Bauer for sure.

3^rd and goal. From the 1 and a half.

24 flies in the air for a touchdown.

A “planned” full team celebration! Gotta love that Mark Richt! How fucking cool is that? Richt is grinning like the Joker on the sideline. Certainly worth the penalty to send a message. Holy shit? 30 yard penalty on the kickoff? It’s called “unsportsmanlike” by the refs, but that’s just not Richt’s style. Psychological warfare more like it.

Promo with Tim Worley talking about two ass-whippings of the Gators. Ahhhh, the good old days.

Kicking off from the 7.

Foul on the Gators! That helps. Net net, Jorts have it on the 34. Not bad.

Percy Harvin is good, dammit. But he’s still named Percy.

Fuck me sideways. Tebow to Murphy. TD. Jones was there, but he didn’t move on the ball at the last minute. Shit.

HUGE TD pass from 7 to 1. 84 yards. What a frozen rope. Beautiful catch. And imagine that, another celebration/unsportsmanlike penalty. 1 gave the Jorts fans a “gator chomp.” Suck that, Percy Harvin. I have a feeling we’ll be seeing more of these penalties throughout the game.

Ruby Tuesday’s commercial. I heard Tebow invented the salad bar.

CSI: Miami commercial. I heard Tebow told David Caruso everything he knows about the dramatic removal of sunglasses.

Kickoff and face mask. Shit. More laundry today than a freshman’s first trip home.

How many tackles can we miss on Percy Harvin? He’s getting fondled more than a Columbus stripper!

Blown direct snap to Moore! Still can’t sort out the recovery. Fuck. Gators ball. Why can’t they give the ball to “Keister” on every play?

Tebow sacked! 3^rd and 26.

Sacked AGAIN! Can’t complain about the D AT ALL. Say what you will about Coach Willie (and we’ve all said plenty), but that TD wasn’t his fault. The guy was in position. And the front 4 and blitzes have been dialed up perfectly.

End of the first quarter. 14-7 Dawgs. Whoda thunk it? Still, lotta game left to play.