Can you hear me now? Over the terrorist gunfire?

I want a CTU cell phone.

Sure, I have a nice, capable and functional BlackBerry. But Jack Bauer would laugh at my phone and then piss on it. (Well, if he ever took a piss, but that's another story).

CTU cell phones don't ever need recharging. You can talk on them for hours. You can leave an open connection so the folks back at the office can hear you torture, er, "interrogate," a suspect with an extension cord and a melon baller. You can take pictures that put Annie Leibovitz to shame. They have unbelievable range, working clearly in underground bunkers, airplanes, submarines and nuclear fallout. You can download the entire contents of the interweb faster than if you had an OC192 line plugged directly into your ass. They never drop a call, every phone number is only one button away, have GPS that would make Magellan blush and things that baffle the rest of us (like conference calling) go off without a hitch.

Rumor has it they also part LA traffic like Moses or a starfleet deflector dish, and also ward off cougars. However, it would be very handy if version 2.0 included a feature that lets you format and print out Presidential Pardons.

And I thought the new IPhone was cool. Just wait until these babies hit the market.