Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Merry Festivus!

The Festivus season is upon us, so that means it's time for the "Airing of the Grievances." So...

Things don't work 100% perfectly, all the time. Yeah, this is a pipe dream, but it drives me absolutely crazy. I want all software installs to go smoothly, with no problems and no conflicts. I want rain and storms to not affect DirecTV. I want an internet connection that never drops, and pages that always load. I want a home phone system that doesn't decide to start ringing for no reason (this is a new treat. Thank Zeus I use the CrackBerry for everything anyway). I want a vehicle that doesn't require tune ups, new brakes or tires. I want responsive customer service that solves my problems on the first try. I want to connect a new monitor that doesn't require a 2 hour search for the "right" drivers. I want to live in a controlled climate where the A/C doesn't "freeze up" and requires spending 24 hours in a sweltering hotbox and then another 48 with a loud, noisy and barely effective portable unit. I want the high-end TV to automatically switch from 4:3 to 16:9 when I watch a widescreen DVD like it used to.

Traveling is a pain in the ass. Yes, of course, it's nice to get out and about for business and pleasure. But why the fuck are there so many toll roads in the northeast, when we're taxed within an inch of our life? And I'm so sick and tired of the "take off your belt, take off your shoes, take everything out of your pockets, unpack your laptop, put everything back together" dance at airport security. Not to mention that you could fall out of the sky at any moment.

Still in the dark. Still no explanation, still no apology.

Same old politics. The political process is so polarized now, there's no room in the middle. I follow the stories closely, and it's all "us and them." There are only two parties, and I can't identify with either one. I don't understand the left's fascination with socialism and stealing the money of the successful and giving it to people who make poor choices, and I can't understand the right's belief in the supernatural and imposing their ridiculous theology on the whole of society. A new "regime" promises "change," but I'll believe it when I see it.

TV Viewers are stupid. How can we live in a world Pushing Daisies gets canceled, The Middleman is in limbo and Mad Men only draws a couple of million viewers, yet The Hills and Keeping Up With the Kardashians even exist?

Willie Martinez's job performance. I won't go crazy and call for the man's job. Yeah, there were numerous and significant injuries. But how the fuck does an entire defense so completely shit the bed for a full half of football three times in one season? And lest we forget WVU, this isn't the first time this has happened.

Fantasy Football. I stopped logging in to even check on my team around week 12. I stayed sober during my draft this year, and boy, that helped. Last year, I drank way too much and don't even recall who I wound up with, yet won my Super Bowl. My liver should tremble in fear awaiting next year's draft.

Not having a garage. Since I'm currently in apartment purgatory, I don't have a garage (much less two) connected to my dwelling like I did for many years. Sure, I'm somewhat fortunate in that I have covered parking in a deck, but there are still steps and a walk involved, and it's a pain the ass. I often find myself at the grocery store limiting the items I pick up, just so I won't have to make two fucking trips from the car to the door when I get home. "Do I really need that 12-pack of beer or that detergent? Well, I can't put it in a bag and hook it on one finger and get it inside on one trip, so I'll just drink that rubbing alcohol and wash my clothes with Joy in the sink."

Annoying commercials. Maybe it's just what I watch (usually news or sports) when I'm not TiVoing , but I really don't want to ever see another NutriSystem commercial. Nor have Beyonce imploring "Lemmee upgrade ya."

Comcast. My problems with Comcast have been well documented, so much so that I created a blog label for "Fuck Your Mother, Comcast." There's the poor customer service. The spotty performance. The barely functional products. But to top it off, my internet service went down Tuesday and didn't come back up until late last night. Can you imagine me without access to the internet for 48 hours? I called repeatedly, but all I heard is that there was an "outage." No explanation why. No estimated time of repair. No outbound notification (via phone, or text, or email) on when the problem would be resolved. And every time I called to check on it, I had to go through some labyrinthine menu asking me moronic questions about how "I" attempted to resolve the problems thus far. Fortunately, I was able to get all my webby access via the CrackBerry. But have you ever read 600+ Google Reader items on a tiny screen? It's like they always say about masturbating -- do it too much and you'll go blind. Fun fact: Google "comcast sucks" and you'll get 32,000+ results. A specific query of "fuck you comcast" gets over 1,000. Guess I'm not alone.

Nails. Do I live on a construction site? No. But in just about a year, I've had three nails in my tires, requiring two patches and one purchase of a brand new tire. Even though I have a 4WD, it's not like I'm going off road or driving through the carpentry section of Home Depot for crissakes.

Where I am. No one says "y'all" or "honey" or "sugar" or "darlin." Everything is overpriced by at least 40%. There are no real suburbs. No one is friendly. I'm geographically impaired (though fortunately equipped with GPS now in the car and on the CrackBerry) and this is unbelievably confusing. There's never enough parking, no matter where you go, and the spaces are as tiny as the seats at Neyland Stadium. There are no Zaxby's here. None of my friends are in driving distance. The local paper is awful (half the sports section is about college lacrosse!). It sucks.


  1. Festivus isn't over until you pin me!

    The Freebirds were wondering where the usual holiday blogposts were. Merry Christmas, George Bailey!

  2. I'm still pulling for Mr. Potter. I had started the Festivus post on Tuesday, which some argue is the "official" date of Festivus, but comcast rogered me in the rump for two days, hence the post today with a Tuesday date. Oh well.
    On to the feats of strength!