More than two good reasons to watch Dolly Parton Night

It’s Dolly Parton Night here on Idol. On an unrelated but perhaps synchronous note, I just got through watching last week’s South Park episode, “Boobage.” I usually watch something for the first 50 minutes or so while Idol is airing live, so I can TiVo through the commercials and all the gooey backstory bullshit. I’m still wiping the tears from my eyes. There was the gripping addiction to cat piss (which the youths call “cheesing”), and the brilliant homage to Heavy Metal (a visit to the Heavy Metal land of Robert E. Howard boobs and swordplay was the result of cheesing on cat piss). Between last week’s shotgun blasted stalk of Britney's head and this one, South Park hasn’t missed a beat.

Oh well, on to Idol. I only hope that Carly or Flowbee David gets to sing “Jolene,” and that someone doesn’t attempt to bludgeon “I Will Always Love You” into submission. Off we go…

How do so many stars today get plastic surgery, even in their 30s and 40s, and look like their face is melted (or frozen)? Good lord, has anyone seen Priscilla Presley lately? She and Dolly are virtually the same age, and Priscilla looks like a candle left on a highway in Arizona during a drought. Dolly looks fantastic.

Brooke will be batting leadoff tonight. And shit. She’s singing “Jolene.” I wanted to hear one of my favorites, or one of the power voices, sing this tune. Brooke is too breathy and winded to carry this off, I believe. She looks good, though, and isn’t flailing across the stage (much like Lily did on last night’s How I Met Your Mother). Not a bad version, honest and subdued, but not a showstopper. The mad seal-clapper points out that the singer on the stage is indeed Brooke White. Thanks for the insight. 6 for Brooke.

Next is David Cook, who still hasn’t gotten a decent haircut (does one of the Idol minions rub a balloon on his head before he takes the stage?). Ryan uses the Q&A period to clear up the pseudo controversy about David’s arrangements of covers (Doxology, Whitesnake, Chris Cornell). I didn’t get the impression that David has ever taken credit for those covers, which were all outstanding, but the judges added fuel to the fire by stroking his “creativity” and giving the audience the idea he came up with them (even though Seacrest clearly said “Chris Cornell” last week in the intro of the tune). However, this week, he says it’s one of his own (at least until someone finds a cell phone video of some emo band doing Dolly Parton). He’ll be doing “Little Sparrow.” He’s in great voice tonight, and does a very interesting and compelling version. He even makes the falsetto work for him, and appears less smug than usual during the judges’ review. Paula compliments him in his haircut. Great. 8

Ramiele will bore us to tears next. Dolly thinks she’s little and has spunk. I’m not even sure what this song is, and Ramiele once again has trouble keeping on the beat. Not as horrific as usual, but how is she still on this show? She’s a bad haircut and cloying idiocy away from being Sanjaya. 3.

Here we have the Psychlo Terl. He’ll be doing “Traveling Through.” There’s a little bongo beat thing going on, and he sounds like he should be playing at a swim up bar in Jamaica. If I was there with him, I could tolerate this, because I’d be tanked up on pina coladas, rum shots and stoned to the bejesus. However, sitting on my couch and not influenced by the devil’s cabbage, this is weak, breathy and off beat. Harsh buzzkill, dude. 3.

Carly will be doing “Here You Come Again.” Hmmm. That sounds like an odd marriage of singer and song, but Dolly thinks it is a nice fit with her voice. As usual, Carly is in perfect voice, and does a slow, soulful version of the song. I’m not a huge fan of the song, but once again, she gives me chillbumps with her voice and control. And her eyeliner looks great. Simon complains about her look, and says someone else needs to dress her. Randy and Paula argue about whether or not she was on pitch last week. What the fuck does that have to do with this week? Although I admire Paula trying to prop her up. 8.

Tiny Kewpie Doll will perform “Smoky Mountain Memories.” I don’t get his puppy dog, squinty eyed appeal, but when he hits the big notes, he does hit them. Randy says it’s the best of the night, Paula likes his aura and Simon thinks he’s “on the money.” I say not too damned bad, junior. 7

Kristy Lee Shitkicker is up next. Did Dolly ever sing the National Anthem? After last week’s stunt, I’m thinking she’s going to come out, wearing nothing but an American flag, and sing that tune to a crippled soldier in a wheelchair who is holding a basket of kittens. She’ll grace us with “Coat of Many Colors,” Dolly’s autobiographical tune about mismatched and homemade outerwear. (or Craig Sager). Well, this pleasant little song is right in the country wheelhouse for Kristy, so she doesn’t screw the pooch. Definitely one of her better ones, and she blows a kiss to Simon. 6.

Someone has to unleash “I Will Always Love You,” and it’s going to be Syesha. Syesha says Dolly liked the way she “kept it simple.” We’ll see. I’m betting she vomits Whitney Houston up on the stage, and wipes her stained lips with Bobby Brown’s fade. I was about to type that I was impressed with her simplicity and restraint, and then she goes all diva on us and cranks out the umpteenth Whitney wannabee melisma. Dear god. If Kevin Costner was her bodyguard, he would have let her get shot. 5.

Michael bats cleanup tonight. He says he saw Dolly in concert in ’86. I’m not sure what the song is (“It’s All Wrong, But It’s All Right”?), but he rocks this bluesy, folksy thing the fuck out. Definitely the strongest performance of the night. Simply heartfelt, spare, strong and powerful, with a bit of a smoky club vibe. I’d buy this. 9.

TNRLM Top 3: Michael, Carly, David Flowbee

TNRLM Bottom 3: Ramiele, Psychlo Terl, Syesha