Here we are with the Top 10 on American Idol, and the contestants will be doing songs from the year of their birth. Hey, as long as they’re not reduced to “songs from that one side of Ringo Starr’s album” I think we’ll be okay tonight. Surely in an entire year of songs there will be some ballad that Archuleta can pussify, some tune Kristy Lee can countrify, some song Chikezie can Electric O’ Brotherify and some music Ramiele can coma-fy. And I’ll go ahead and get the bitching out of the way now, and not repeat it during each and every song choice. Holy shit! I was in college that year! Holy shit! I was in high school that year!
Okay, on with the show.
Ramiele bats lead off tonight, and she will pick a song from 1987. She says she needs to step it up because she “was lucky to make the top 10.” No shit, Sherlock. She’s been horrible for the last 2 weeks. She chooses Heart’s “Alone.” Oh boy. Doesn’t she recall a little blonde country gal blowing us away with this a couple of seasons ago? Doesn’t she realize she’ll suffer by comparison? Ye gods. She can’t keep up with the tune, which isn’t that fast to begin with, and basically shouts at us off key for a minute and a half. Horrific. It’s waaaay too big for her. The judges comment on the fact that she’s under the weather. I wish I had a head cold and missed hearing that. Please, goodbye. 1.
And what the fuck is the clapping seal wearing? Black, fingerless, pleather-looking gloves that come up over her elbows, with bracelets on the outside. Not to go all Fug Girls on you here, but…..NO.
Next we have the Psychlo Terl. And it’s his birthday. And he’ll do a sensitive Sting song, “Fragile.” I realize this dude has a teenybopper contingent that thinks his particular brand of sitting outside a third rate coffee house getting quarters in his hat kinda vibe is appealing, but I just don’t get it. This song features some Spanish, which he performs better than the French he mangled last week, but this is a whispy snoozefest. The only thing that should be ‘fragile” here is his chance of continuing another week. Simon reams him, and he handles it like a stoned surfer douchebag. 2
Here comes Syesha. Great. Three of my favorites to start the show off, before I’ve gotten to the bottom of a stadium cup full of whiskey. She will do “If I Were Your Woman.” (And whatever her performance sounds like, I’m going to dock her a full point just for doing this unbelievably annoying “baby cry” thing in the intro interview). Randy loves her, and truth be told, she wasn’t that awful despite missing a few high notes. Paula loves her, and claps like a demented seal. Probably just to keep her poor, uncovered fingers warm. Simon doesn’t think it’s quite as good as the other two short-bussers do. I give her a 5, and take away a point for the baby noise, for a 4.
Chikezie will grace us with a song now, and it’s “If Only For One Night.” He’s not bad. Like a country fair Luther Vandross. Man, this week blows. 4.
Here we go with the Brooke, who looked like a spastic marionette swathed in sunshine last week. I’m not totally crazy for Brooke, but I like her smoky speaking voice. She’s doing “Every Breath You Take.” And that song always amazes me, because so many morons think it’s an ode to true love or something, and not the psychotic ramblings of a stalker. Two improvements already: her hair is straight, and she’s sitting down, not having a seizure at the microphone. She does a pump fake on the start, and begins again. Odd. This is actually the best of the night thus far, which granted, isn’t saying that much. She’s still a little breathy and doesn’t have the greatest range. But will she shut the hell up when getting feedback from the judges? She looks on the verge of crying, takes her lumps and smiles cutely. Sigh. 5.
The Aussie from Georgia, Michael, will be doing Queen. Finally, something lively. He sounds pretty good, and hits some big notes. (but frak! The backup singers totally piss out on their part, sounding like a basket of kittens dropped into miracle kitchen appliance the Magic Bullet). He gets bigger as the song goes, and totally rocks it out. Simon, rightly so, calls it the “only memorable performance of the night so far.” Right you are, Mister Teeshirt. 8
My favorite Irish eyeliner model, Carly, is up next, performing the height of 80s kitschorama, “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” Either she’ll blow doors on this one, or it will be a trainwreck of epic proportions. No going safe with this Steinman penned, overdone and entertaining monstrosity. Okay, that was great, with the possible exception of an slightly disappointing end. She hit the big power notes flawlessly, handled the smaller, more delicate parts easily, and even put a bit of the raspy strain in there that sounded stylistic, not overmatched or strained. You gotta sell out with that one, and she was committed. Randy didn’t like it. Paula liked it. Simon didn’t enjoy it as much as he could have, and thinks she needs to lighten up. Am I just too in the bag for Carly? Do raccoon eyes make that big a difference for me? I’m giving her an 8.
Here we have the melodic chipmunk, grown in a Disney lab, who is too dangerous for a Nickelodeon show. David will smooth his way through “You’re The Voice,” a cheesetastic song from the late 80s. The teen girls squeal, he sounds okay, and hits a few off notes. I’m with Simon, who calls it a “ghastly song you sing when you have animated creatures with you.” It’s a small world after all, sweetie pie. 5.
Bring on the Top 12’s “special” student, Kristy Lee Shitkicker, who will butcher “god Bless The
Flowbee haircut David closes the show, with Chris Cornell’s version of "Billie Jean." I think I’ve heard this haunting, rocking version of the song before, and really liked it. This is raw, fun, intense and the performance of the night. That’s probably one of my favorite Idol performances ever. A true showstopper. The judges all love it. And they’re right. If that’s not a 10, I don’t know what is.
TNRLM Top 3: David C, Carly, Michael
TNRLM bottom 3: Ramiele, Psychlo Terl, Chikezie
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