Tailgating without a tail. Or a gate.

Question: Can you tailgate for a college football game in a tiny apartment with no actual video of the game itself?

Answer: I'm about to find out.

Today is the UGA - Western Carolina home game. Thus far in the season, I've flown "home" for the games 'tween the hedges. These flights obviously use up frequent flyer miles (or cost money) and in this point at the transitional move, I just wasn't ready to make that commitment for the fighting Catamounts. (And by the way, what the fuck is a "catamount?" It sounds like a sex swing for a Pussycat Doll. But with the interwebs at my fingertips, here's your explanation. Note that we could have been playing the "fierce, difficult to catch ground squirrels" today. Good choice, all things considered). So, yesterday I made a few calls to some local sports bars. Uh, no one gives a shit about a 1-1 SEC team playing a horrid, 0-2 Southern Conference team. Okay, so it's PPV on cable systems. I think I've gone on long enough about my problems with my local cable system, and besides, there's the complicated billing process with my situation anyway that my blood pressure wouldn't stand if I tried to figure it out. So what's left?

After checking with UGA, there are no local radio affiliates here. Other options? Well, I could purchase and subscribe to an XM radio set up. Don't think so, at least not yet, with everything in such flux. So I found the GExtra service through the UGA Sports website. Apparently, I can pay $6.95 for a month of audio only access to the site. This would cover the game today (and the game at Vandy, assuming that blockbuster isn't on TV anywhere). So basically, $3.50 per game to listen to Larry? It's worth a shot. I won't know for another few minutes, when the feed goes live, if this will actually work or not. But it's minimum risk for a chance to keep up with the game when my options are severely limited.

So, how does this pseudo tailgate thing work? Of course, I'll put on some red and black garb. I'll blast the pre-game show the PC speakers. I'll open up the windows to get an "outdoorsy" feel to the apartment. I'll pour myself a big bloody mary to start the morning, and then actually put some tallboys (yes, they had the same bizarre pricing structure here in Maryland that they did in Dahlonega last week) in a cooler. Of course, I realize that I have a fridge a mere 10 feet away. But you don't have a fridge at a tailgate, do you? So I'll put them in the cooler and pretend I'm standing behind a bumper. (Believe me, I've used my considerable mental powers to create a remarkable self delusion before).

During the game, I'll mix up some potent whiskey and waters in a Munson stadium cup and it will *almost* be like I'm there. Of course, there will be some notable differences:

• I won't have any amusing anecdotes and stories to blog about the game day experience. Unless I get drunk and fall off my balcony. In which case, I might be hard pressed to type.
• I won't have to pee in the shrubbery beside a parked car.
• I won't have to pack up 12 folding chairs I never sat in.
• Nobody will criticize the color of the shots I make up.
• Can you do a "fist bump" if you don't have an opposable thumb? Sadly, I'll only have two cats to celebrate with when #7 throws the first of many TDs. Or, I may scare the shit out of the cats when a wide receiver drops yet another pass.
• Filling my cup with ice and water won't require $4 nor standing in a line with a bunch of yahoos loading up on pretzels and nachos.
• I seriously doubt the Maryland police will bust into my apartment and give me a ticket for an open container in my living room.
• I'll only try to replicate the "real life" experience in so many ways. For example, I won't stuff a flask down my shorts and walk from the kitchen to the living room. And after the game, I won't go wandering the streets to simulate the stumble back to the car. I could, however, order a pizza I won't remember eating.

If I had thought of the "virtual tailgate" thing earlier, perhaps I could have called the Freebirds and had them bring the laptop so we could use the interwebs (and the webcam in my laptop) to videoconference me in. (I would have to figure out if the wireless one of my neighbors has set up is still available for poaching).

Okay, time to mix a bloody and head to the tailgate! Go Dawgs!