Football Announcer Ratings

At the end of each year, Sports Illustrated veteran Dr. Z offers his analysis and grading of the NFL broadcast crews. Even though Z can be a bit of a cranky curmudgeon and get obsessed with certain aspects of the performance (understandable: correct down and distance. too much: identifying all the nuances of interior line play), I generally find his insight accurate and in line with what I've observed. And though I don't keep detailed notes on the broadcast crews, god knows I've watched them all enough times to form an opinion. In addition to being a huge NFL fan with Sunday Ticket and a journalism major, I also find myself watching otherwise horrible games just for pure fantasy football value (I had Andre Johnson on my team this year, so I regularly subjected myself to Texans games. Whiskey sales in Georgia responded accordingly). I'll post my thoughts on the teams as organized in Z's column.

ESPN: Nessler, Jaworski and Vermeil
Yep, it was only one game. And yep, it was a great one. Vermeil's subsequent appearance on NFL Network was marred by a case of laryngitis (and Bryant Gumbel), but this was the best crew I witnessed all season. Nessler is a vastly underrated talent, and brings the proper mix of technical proficiency and enthusiasm to a game. As an analyst, Jaws has no peer, and Vermeil is sharp and the relationship with the former player and coach shows an easy camaraderie. A+

Cris Colinsworth
Z lists him separately here, which makes sense given his multiple roles across the proverbial dial. Colinsworth paired with an even competent play by play guy would automatically elevate him to an A+. Paired with Gumbel, the team falls to a D purely on the basis of the worst play by play calls EVER. On HBO and NBC as the studio guy, Colinsworth brings more organization than the other former jocks, matches wits with Costas and still offers technically solid insight. On a game call, he brings the right mix of enjoyment of the game, outstanding game analysis, actual humor and fan's perspective enthusiasm. Hard for me to give some props to a former Gator, but he's just about the best around and I'd be happy to see more of him on my TV. Standing alone on his own merits, Colinsworth gets an A+.

CBS Eagle and Wilcots
Eagle (whose name sounds like the secret identity of a superhero) is a talented, under the radar play by play guy, and Wilcots' work improves every year. B

FOX Rosen and Ryan
Solid and detail oriented. Ryan doesn't make as many key observations as I expect from the analyst role, but Rosen is dependable and makes even the biggest stinker of a game sound interesting without overblown hyperbole. B

FOX Albert and Baldinger
Nothing wrong with this pairing. Baldinger does good work as the analyst and Albert is smooth and professional. B

NBC Madden and Michaels
Like your mom's Thanksgiving meals, this team is comfortable and expected. They've been scrutinized to death, so I won't add much here. They still have the "gravitas" to make a game seem important, and Madden as always has the touch of appealing to the general fan while occasionally pointing out something technical. They still fall way too in love with "the stars" (cough, Favre, cough) and follow preprogrammed story lines, however. B

CBS Nantz and Simms
Nantz is confident and capable and doesn't seem as egocentric as others with his pedigree (like Michaels). I know he's forced to read a gazillion lame promos for other CBS shows, but for some reason, the fake enthusiasm he musters for those rubs me the wrong way and takes away from the "real" enthusiasm he shows for the game at hand. Simms tries too hard to convey some "aw shucks" folksiness, and often repeats the same point ad naseum, without putting a new twist on it. Both are prone to star pimping and beating the preordained storyline. B

CBS Buck and Aikman
Buck's approach can at times be a little hectoring and holier than thou, and then at times be a little smartassed and smirking. But he generally keeps the telecast moving and his glib funnies are actually funny more times than not. Aikman is earnest, hard working and gets more right than he misses. B

FOX Harlan and Gannon
Kevin Harlan usually hits the details and tells a good story, which is good. Gannon comes across unsure of himself and bored by the action. Harlan still has a lot of unnecessary overinflection but they're okay. B-

CBS Stockton, Johnston and Siragusa
As for Siragusa, there's been nothing more useless since the appendix. Stockton is another old pro who nicely balances story, details and calling the action on the field, though he also occasionally misses the players involved. Johnston is unobjectionable, but seems to favor more "vanilla" points to bring out as opposed to someone like Colinsworth. B-

NFL Network Faulk and Sanders
Z liked these guys when pressed into duty following Vermeil's loss of voice. Personally, I would have rather listened to Vermeil aspirate into an oxygen mask. On the upside, they masked Gumbel's incompetence for a half, and did occasionally make salient observations about coverage and reads. On the downside, there was still too much "schtick" from Deion and shoddy elocution from both. C+

CBS Enberg and Cross
Enberg is a legend in the business and covered a variety of sports with class and dignity. His voice signifies "big time" and he's a pros pro who gives his partner room to operate. However, sadly, he still misses a lot of calls on down and distance, misidentifies players and isn't as sharp as he once was. Cross is a pompous blowhard who phones it in. C+

CBS Gumbel (Greg) and Dierdorf
The best thing I can say about Gumbel is that he's definitely not his brother. Nothing else to see here, move along. These are not the droids you're looking for. C+

Fox Pitts and ?
Z points out that Pitts was teamed a few different folks this year, and also moved from analyst to play by play. He also has an unnatural love for Pitts that I just don't understand. I liked him slightly better as an analyst than as a play by play guy, but when I hear him on the channel I almost immediately being to nod off. There's a big difference between a minimalist, "breathing space" approach (a la classic Summerall) and somnambulate. C-

CBS Johnson and Tasker
You would think being an all world (and deservedly Hall of Fame, if they cared about it) special teams player would give Tasker more insight into the smaller details of special teams play and all the "little things" that occur away from the spotlight. It might, but he rarely shares that perspective with us. And Johnson would sound like he's having a heart attack after a 40 espresso and bag of crank bender watching bingo at the local VFW. C-

ESPN Tirico, Theismann, Kornheiser
Another group that's been analyzed to death. There are the obvious (and valid) complaints about the ridiculous in-booth interviews. (Christian Fucking Slater? Unless he's there to announce "Heathers 2," there's really no reason). And this type of mindless drivel gets in the way of Tirico's calls. One year into this experiment is probably too early to make a final call, too, but I felt like I was watching a train wreck.

I know that Theismann understands football. On other platforms, I've heard him make cogent points and demonstrate knowledge of the game. On game calls, however (and not only here, but on his former Sunday night gig), he comes across as a touchy know it all. There is zero chemistry with Kornheiser, and he emphatically makes points that are flat out wrong. Tries to make definitive statements too often. Bottom line is that he's just not likeable.

As for Kornheiser, as someone who enjoyed the Dennis Miller experiment, I appreciate the attempts to inject the broadcast with something different. I loved TK's radio show and watch (and enjoy) PTI daily. He's got the sharp wit and skills to make this work. But it's not showing up here with great enough frequency. His opening monolgues are eloquent, if gravitating to storylines that are all too obvious. But we don't want to hear constant updates on his fantasy team and he pulls back on the criticism and biting comments all too often.

If this is going to work, they need to: stop the celebrity slurp fests that offer nothing to the game. Short of replacing Theismann (with Jaworski), he needs to dial back the grating, definitive declarations and break down the plays more. And Tony needs to loosen up and go for broke and remind people why PTI is one of the best shows on ESPN. Overall: C-

NFL Network Bryant Gumbel
Arrogant, inaccurate and simply not suited to the task at hand. Quoting myself from my old blog:

Bryant Gumbel is perhaps the worst play by play guy ever. Solid journalist, though a bit pompous. But his voice is like high pitched harp smoke alarm thrown in a blender, and he absolutely MUST "qualify" every statement. Example: "Vick rolls, right, throws perhaps a bit high, Jenkins possibly comes down with the catch, makes a move on the defensive back, could have stepped out of bounds, comes back to the center of the field, toward what we think is the first down marker, and may have picked up a fresh set of downs for the team I believe to be the Falcons. But we'll just have to see, and then I hope we can verify this information, and conceivably we can move on to the next play, and perchance the Cowboys will remain on D." Simply Awful. F

Not related to the game coverage itself, but if these talent-free and language-mangling "broadcasters" vanished from television permanently I would be a very happy camper: Shannon Sharpe, Michael Irvin, Steve Young, Terry Bradshaw.