If that's "inspirational," I'm giving up all hope

Welcome to “Inspiration Night” on American Idol. Pour yourself a good, stiff drink, because it’s going to be a long night. You see, I’m much like the departed skunk-haired biker chick, Amanda Overmeyer, in that I think “ballads are for pussies.” (I don’t think she was quite so colorful in her description, but she seems like she would be if she wasn’t being censored by the delicate sensibilities of our prime time network audience). Yeah, I love the crooner’s classics by the Rat Pack, and “Yesterday” still stands the test of time. But I fear that most of the “inspirational” tunes selected by these kids will be belty, schmaltzy, treacly pap from the CelineMariahWhitney songbook that makes me want to jam a cordless screwdriver in my ear and push the “on” button. Will someone be adventurous, and select a tune I actually like? Could you consider “Wonderwall” inspirational? Either in the original flavor Oasis version, or even the stripped down Ryan Adams version? It’s inspirational to me. But I’m guessing that someone (cough, Syesha, cough) will choose “The Greatest Gift of All” and I may go on a killing spree. And sadly, I think most of the choices will be in that same vein. Okay, fill a glass to the brim with Haterade, and let’s see what overly sentimental shit soup Idol serves up tonight.

The Australian Georgia Boy, Michael is batting leadoff. He’ll be doing – thank the gods – “Dream On.” This inspires me that perhaps this hour won’t suck quite as much as I had envisioned. Michael is really finding his niche as the classic-rock dude, and he belts out a very serviceable version of the Aerosmith classic, complete with some nice falsetto wailing. Randy doesn’t think he’s an “Aerosmith dude,” but I completely disagree. Paula agrees with me, but it looks she was mad at her boobs and decided to punish them by putting a tourniquet, er dress, over them. Simon likes the bluesy sound Michael put out last week, and while I completely agree that that Dolly tune was indeed a showstopper, I’ll give MJ here a solid 7.

Syesha is next, doing “I Believe” by Fantasia. Not quite “Greatest Gift,” but it’s in the same ballpark, and that ballpark houses a single A team selling warm beer and stale peanuts. She’s okay, but entirely predictable and I’ve just never connected with her like I have other R&B belters like Tamyra or Melinda. Eh, 5.

The Psychlo Terl is up next, and he’s inspired by a ukulele version of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” While I will admit to slightly enjoying the vapid charms of the McPhee’s version of this, I can’t believe a dude that’s gotten this far on the show is going to whip out his ukulele. What’s next, someone covering Weird Al, complete with accordion? I’m sure tween girls will slide off their vinyl couches for this, but if I heard this in a coffee shop, I’d order a decaf and kill myself. Randy calls it “blazing molten hot” and the best of the evening. I remind myself never to listen to another thing Randy says, Aww-iight. What the fuck? Simon thinks it’s fantastic. Are you fucking kidding me? Was everyone getting tanked with Don Ho before the show? 3

Judy Greer in a Mac commercial. That’s almost like porn. House is back April 28! Wheeee!

Kristy Lee Shitkicker is up next. Will she sing “Amazing Grace,” wearing nothing but stars and stripes body paint, wheeling out her dying grandmother on a gurney (who is holding a baby seal) accompanied by the United States Joint Service Color Guard while the Blue Angels fly overhead? She’s doing a Martina McBride song. Surely she will suffer by comparison, since Martina has one of the best and purest voices in music. Usually I’m so focused on her cloying song choices, audience-pandering babble and judge-baiting backtalk that I forget to notice that she’s kinda cute. I’ll be like the seal clapper, and note that she does look good tonight. The judges like her, and inexplicably, Simon tells her she looks like a star. Fuckable, maybe. A star? Sheesh. 5

Now we’re talking. Up next are my two favorites, David C and Carly. Let’s hope their choices are more “inspired,” though I’ve read that Carly has a soft spot for Celine, and that scares me.

David C will be doing a song called “Innocent” by Our Lady of Peace. Haven’t heard this, I don’t think, but it looks like he’s found a Great Clips in the last week, and I’ve enjoyed just about every one of his performances, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Holy christ on a stick. What IS this? I hear lots of “we are” chanting, lots of “innocent” being repeated, and he shrieks and screams, when he’s not talk-singing through the lyrics in an off key slur. This is not only his worst performance; this is one of the worst I’ve ever seen. And his jacket looks someone threw Sergeant Pepper’s coat in the washer with too much bleach. Wow. That’s a colossal train wreck. The “give back” written on his hand is a nice touch, but this is a momentum killing thermonuclear meltdown. Michael Douglas is in the dressing room arguing with Jack Lemmon and Jane Fonda about whether this will reach China. Yoiks. 1

Carly will perform “The Show Must Go On” by Queen. GREAT choice. Hmmmm. How it pains me to say this, but I thought that was just okay. She was drowned out a couple of times by the background singers, and the song didn’t quite have enough time to build. And I didn’t hear the usual sense of power in her notes, which is absolutely required when you cover Freddy Mercury. Oddly, she toned down some of her theatrics, which you would commonly expect doing a queen song. But as usual, she looked great. It’s getting to the point where I’m thinking of heading to the Idol most pit with sharpie scribblings all over my face to be a groupie. Not one of my favorites of hers. 5.

Here we go with the goofy smiling stuffed animal, David A. He’s doing some crap about angels, and it’s cavity causing and achingly sincere and earnest. Well performed, I guess, but I don’t get him either. Randy is on the verge of masturbating in his appraisal. Whatevs. 5

Sunny, inappropriately smiling Brooke will be in the pimp slot doing “You’ve Got a Friend.” See, that’s a ballady song that’s well-crafted. I still think I like to hear Brooke talk more than sing. At least she’s not having a seizure on stage when not at her piano or hiding behind a guitar (or fucking ukulele). I like the “smoky” tone of her voice, but for such a pure as the driven snow popsicle, she sings like she actually smokes as much as I do. Her breath control is terrible and her phrasing is scattershot and off tempo. On a night full of disappointing performances, I’ll give her the de rigueur 5.

The hard to choose ratings:

TNRLM Top 3: Aussie Michael, David A and Carly (eyeliner breaks the ties)

TNRLM Bottom 3: David “what the fuck happened to you tonight” C, Psychlo Terl and his ukulele and Marlboro Brooke