Damn. No one sang "Touch My Body."

Here we are with Mariah Carey night on American Idol. That probably augers lots of ballads that sound alike, an epidemic of melisma, vain and pretentious “coaching” commentary and Randy Jackson quietly masturbating under the table. For all her histrionic divaness and preening egocentricity, Mariah is a fantastically gifted technical singer and every single Idol wannabee is gonna pale in comparison. This should be painful.

What’s with Ryan’s hair? It looks like his head has a pointed ridge across it.

Batting leadoff is the grinning stuffed animal, David A. Mariah wants him to go up into the falsetto. Of course, when she does that (or the upper end of her range, or whatever the fuck it is that makes dogs cry in pain), I want to bash my head against the corner of a granite countertop. He does okay with “Believe,” and hits most of the notes, but takes Mariah’s advice and squeals like a Chihuahua in a blender. The judges love him, and he smiles like he’s been lobotomized. 7

My girl Carly is up next. I think she’s just treading on thin ice at this point. The fans don’t seem to be responding to her, despite the fact that she has the best voice of the remaining competitors. Maybe some are turned off by her tats or her freaky looking husband. Maybe some hate her because of her previous blink and you’ll miss it recording deal. Perhaps some sense the palpable desperation. Could just be plain old bigotry against the Irish (we can drink more than you, after all). Regardless of how she performs, I think she’s going home this week or next, depending on how lame Syesha’s Mariah-aping is tonight. Still, she’s trying a bit. She has on long sleeves to cover the arm tat and is giving the girls a little uplift and exposure. And sadly, she’s turned down the volume on the eyeliner. She’s doing “Without You.” Randy and Simon hate on her some, but mostly along the lines of unrealized potential. I actually like that song, and despite my powerful Carly love, I thought she was just - to quote everyone’s favorite sycophantic bassist – Aiiiggghhht. 6.

Here we go with Syesha, doing “Vanishing.” It was okay there for a while, but then she flips the switch on the Melismatron 3000. Randy and the mad seal-clapper like her, but Simon (like most of us) doesn’t recognize the song. Syesha is a bit like the Irish with whiskey, in that she thinks anything worth doing is worth doing to excess. 5

Sunny, raspy Brooke is up next, doing “Hero.” I really wasn’t too fond of that song, but damned if Brooke didn’t do a good job with it. Simon starts a long, torturous conversation about hamburgers, meat, buns and condiments, and basically the judges hated it. Maybe I’m just not a good Mariah-evaluator. That was my favorite of the evening thus far, and I’ll give her a 7.

Kristy Lee Shitkicker sings without the aid of crippled kids, baby chicks, stars and stripes or a background montage of smiling old people. She’s doing some tune called “Forever.” Mariah said she like Kristy Lee’s version. Paula loves her, but Randy and Simon think she was just okay. I wasn’t enthralled. Started off pitchy, and though she hit a few of the big notes with a pleasant enough twang, I’ll give her a 5.

I will say this about Mariah. I was expecting a self-absorbed beeyotch, and she’s been nice, supportive, occasionally helpful and respectful. It could be pure calculation, since she’s got an album dropping tomorrow, but if she’s being totally phony and disingenuous, it doesn’t come across that way. Good for you, Mimi.

David Cook is doing “Always Be My Baby.” The backlight on him isn’t doing him any favors, since it looks like someone rubbed balloons all over his hair. He does another post-emo wail on the song, and it’s not too bad. He tends to mumble some of the lower notes, but at the very least, it’s an interesting take on a boring tune. Randy gives him a standing O, and Paula says it should be on a movie soundtrack. Kenny Loggins will be jealous. Simon is happy to escape from “karaoke hell” and sings his praises. Not much you can do with the overballady Carey songbook (couldn’t someone have done one of her few “fun” songs?), but David’s was the best of the night. And yes, I feel safe saying that, given that the dreadlocked zygote that crawled out of Jack Johnson cloning chamber is up next. 8.

Psychlo Terl gets the pimp slot, and I’m sure he’ll do some subdued coffee house smarm. It’s “I Don’t Want To Cry.” If I was sitting on a deck drinking an overpriced macchiato, then I might think it was an innocuous backdrop to the conversation. But as the closer for the show? Meh. 4.

TNRLM Top 3: David Static Hair, David Chipmunk, Sunshine Brooke

TNRLM Bottom 3: Psychlo Terl, Please Go Already Syesha, Can’t Kill Her Kristy Lee