Yoko would have sounded better

Here we are back with Idol’s top 11. We’ll be going through the Beatles catalog again tonight. Have they done that before? Repeat the same theme? Perhaps Paul needs the money again after the one legged hooker just got a check for $50 million. Four years and $50 million? Hell, I’d fuck Ringo for $50 million.

Amanda is straight out of the trailer, batting leadoff. Does Bret Michaels know she has his headband on in the intro interview? She’ll be doing “Back in the USSR,” which is appropriate politically, since two of the three presidential candidates want to move us into socialism. On the surface, it seems this song would be a good fit for her Joplin wannabee rocker chick shtick. However, she slurs the lyrics too much and misses the beats too frequently. One trick pony. However, I love her when she says “ballads are boring.” And did she just say “hey, that shit looks like fun, I wanna go see that show.” Or did she say “chick” instead of “shit?” I rewound that a few times, and it’s hard to tell. So, to sum up: good for hating ballads. Good for saying “shit.” Good for being honest. Meh for the performance. 5

Kristy, she of the Beatles Hoe Down last week, is up next, bringing her old fashioned picture books. That’s just fucking touching. And even more schmoopy? She’s doing “You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away.” Which she heard for the first time today. This isn’t the violent trainwreck of last week, but the locomotive is definitely coming off the rails. It’s like a community theatre production of the Scarlet Pimpernel in Mississippi. Just awful. You know it’s bad when Paula tells her she “looks good.” Simon is classic when he tells her she’s like “musical wallpaper” and that no one should notice her. Unless she’s terrible like last week. Ouch. 2 (And then she follows up the scathing reviews by telling America she can “blow them out of their socks.” Really? Unless it’s like what Elliot Spitzer would get for $5000, I don’t think she’ll rack up too many votes).

Here comes the presumed frontrunner who screwed the pooch last week, teen sweetiepie David. He hopes to remember the words to “The Long and Winding Road.” He’s got some nice tone in his voice, and controls the softer parts of the song admirably. He doesn’t hump the canine again, but it doesn’t do anything spectacular for me, even though it’s a nice performance. 7

Michael the Australian by way of Georgia (Go Dawgs! SEC tournament champs! Now back to your regularly scheduled butchering of Lennon/McCartney songs) will be doing “A Day in the Life.” He’s a bit worried about compressing the longer, complex song into a minute or so. With good reason. While the arrangement wasn’t awful, it certainly didn’t do the Beatles’ masterpiece any justice, and Michael missed a few notes and didn’t make the most of his chance. There’s a bit of a kerfuffle at the end, where Paula rambles on about him not being used to performing with an earpiece (like the previous contestants were wearing). Uh, Seal Clapper? He’s not wearing one. Ooops. Then she says, “oh, then you sucked.” Not really, but that was the translation from RX speak. And then Michael dedicates the song to his dead friend. Oh, dude, come on. I know Ryan dragged it out of you, but that can come across as a transparent sympathy plea for votes. Maybe it’s the Aussie thing, but I’d like to see this guy tear into an INXS song. 4

Commercial time: Bones is back April 14! And Sarah Chalke for Hanes undies. Anyone else thing she’s an underrated hottie? (Even if I stopped watching her show when it became all about babies).

Smoky voiced Brooke is up next with “Here Comes The Sun.” I actually like her voice more when she’s talking than when she’s singing, and she dances like Elaine Benes. Paula rambles incoherently, and notes that her dress is yellow. Like the “sun” in the song. And Brooke talks too much, and tells the judges that she’s okay with their appraisal of her awful performance. I can’t tell if it’s mildly cute or cloying. I’m going with the latter. 4

Bad hair David, who I liked last week doing “Eleanor Rigby,” returns with – no shit – a “Whitesnake” version of “Day Tripper.” I will probably like this better if Tawny Kitean writhes around the stage in front of him in a sheer white dress. Wow. David Coverdale’s hair is probably going limp now. He actually does this up pretty well, and does a bit of the Frampton vocoder/talkbox thing (which is bizarrely out of place). I really like David’s voice, and I think he’s one of the more interesting contestants. Not as good as last week, but with the dreck we’ve seen thus far, he stands out. 7

My favorite from last week, Carly will be doing “Blackbird.” Oh. Definitely not one of my top Beatles songs, and I always think of this comedian (Robin Williams, maybe?) doing Jimmy Stewart singing “Blackbird.” Which if you haven’t heard that, go find it on the youtubes or something. Okay, Carly has an amazing voice, but this didn’t do a thing for me. The way she performed the song was fairly unrecognizable, probably due to the arrangement, and I have to agree with Simon who was also disappointed. And then, another explanation of the song choice, about being “beaten down” by the industry, and how the “broken wing” lyric connected with her. It was a sincere moment, and she seems honored and humbled to be here, but maybe she and Michael could find a song about dead bird friend and just get this over with. 6.

Now we have the Pyschlo Terl, singing “Michelle,” another Beatles song of which I’m not that fond. This is weepy, whiny, smirky and full of shit. Paula compares it to a polka, and Lech Walesa weeps. 2

Syesha follows with the classic “Yesterday.” Everyone and their mother has done “Yesterday.” (It may be the most recorded song ever, in fact). A beautiful, beautiful song, but one I’ve dreaded an Idol doing since we embarked on Beatles week(s). She moves into the upper register too much, tries to “Mariah” it too much, and generally makes a mess of it. Randy and Paula like it. Simon thinks it’s her best. There must be some bourbon in the Coke cups. 4.

Here we go with Chikezie doing “I’ve Just Seen a Face.” He says he’s going to play an instrument this week, even though he doesn’t know how. I’ll be impressed if he whips out an accordion. He goes to the same well he went to last week, and starts out the song one way, and finishes it out another, this time as a gospel sounding country romp. Not a good song, but I’ll give him credit for his energy. Sheesh. As good as last week was, this week is equally ponderous and dimwitted. 3 And all we have to finish out is Rameile, who bored me to tears last week. Great. Is there a Law and Order on somewhere?

Can I stay awake through Ramiele’s “I Should Have Known Better?” I should have known better than to listen to this. She just can’t connect to a song at all. She can hit the occasional big note, but has no idea what she’s singing about. Terrible. 2.

TNRLM Top 3: Teen Kewpie Doll David, Whitesnake David, Carly

TNRLM Bottom 3: Kristy, Jason, Ramiele