Who the hell is Nick Folk? And I like tomatoes and vodka.

Yes, it's that time that everyone hangs on the edge of their seat for: reading about someone else's fantasy football team. While you may not be enthralled with the details, at least those of you who play the game can soldier on through the next few paragraphs, confident in the knowldege that your team, no matter who you picked, is probably better than mine.

Quick History: I play in a "keeper" league, where each year we can protect up to 3 players on the previous year's roster. Your "protection" acts as a draft pick, so typically, much of the first three rounds of the draft consists of owners selecting their "keepers." This prevents point scoring studs like Peyton Manning, Carson Palmer, Larry Johnson and Steven Jackson from entering the draft pool. However, in the first three rounds, all your protected players that you haven't yet drafted go back into the common pool if you take a player from the board not on your protected list. Several years ago, I scrapped my whole protected list and drafted LaDanian Tomlinson in the first round, Michael Vick in the second (both as rookies) and took Tiki Barber in the third (who then was known more for fumbling, before he became known for being a top 5 fantasy back, and before he became known for trading bon mots with Matt Lauer and insulting Eli Manning's cojones). This triumvirate was a solid, solid core and regularly put up enough points to get me comfortably into the playoffs, and brought me a playoff championship, a regular season points championship, a few runner up finishes and some serious cash. Well, we all know what happened in the offseason. LT is still LT, but Vick will now be starring in an off, off Broadway revival of "The Longest Yard" and Tiki retired because Tom Coughlin is mean, Brandon Jacobs poached his touchdowns and Eli is a pussy.

In the weeks leading up the draft, I panicked at the thought of not having a QB, so I traded a 6th round pick for Jay Cutler. My goal was to assemble another "trio" of talent that could carry me through several seasons, with LT, Cutler and then a young, stud RB. I had my sights set on 3 potential Tiki replacements: Marshawn Lynch, Adrian Peterson and the less well known Brandon Jackson. Surely with all the established, protected talent, I could get Lynch or Peterson in the third round. It didn't quite work out that way.

Here were the issues:

• There were some "technical difficulties" with the wireless network at the live site of the draft (back home in Atlanta) and the first pick was delayed for 40+ minutes. (This did not sit well with my carefully timed and calibrated intake of pitchers of bloody marys).
• These difficulties also led to the "protected list" not being fully loaded into the system, so it was harder to see who was actually available and when someone went "off the reservation" and cast their protected players back into the available pool.
• I dramatically underestimated the desire some owners would have for Lynch and Peterson.
• I dramatically underestimated the number of quality QBs that would be available in rounds 2 - 6, making my panicky move for a Vanderbilt Commodore seem even more desperate. Yet, I couldn't toss Cutler back into the common pool in the 2nd round to grab a RB, and essentially waste the pick I traded for him.
• I finished second last year, so my pick was typically at the ass end of a round.
• Did I mention the bloody marys?

So, bottom line, after two rounds, I was drunk, confused, anxious and filled with self-loathing and second guessing.

Of course, I kept LT -- perhaps the best NFL RB of his generation and on his way to Canton. He's also a fantasy scoring legend and probably the unanimous number 1 pick in leagues across the country. However, I kept Cutler (25th pick overall) and saw many other quality fantasy QBs available at the same time, including Mark Bulger, Jon Kitna, Phillip Rivers, Matt Hasselbeck and Matt Leinart. By protecting Cutler so early, I missed out on both Lynch and Peterson, and wound up taking Brandon Jackson as my second starting RB in the third round. The problem is, that's probably too early for him (I'll have to check other leagues to see his average draft position) AND he has the same fucking bye week as my other starter, LT. So in week 7, I'll have to rest both my starting RBs, play Len Dale White (who may not even be the starter in Tennessee -- and may have committed hari-kari at a Sizzler buffet by then) and some other RB that I pick up off the scrap heap.

Every time I had someone targeted for future potential (Calvin Johnson) or homer interests (Reggie Brown), the person 1 or 2 picks in front of me snagged them, sending me into a tizzy as I tried to A. find a replacement, B. not conflict with the numerous bye week problems I had caused myself and C. add just the right dash of Worcestershire sauce to the bloodies. On top of that, outside of LT (and maybe Cutler), there are huge question marks with each of my other starters.



Here is the 2007 Edition of Area 51:

QB: Jay Cutler (despite the trade and panic, I still feel good about his consistent production in a Mike Shanahan offense).
QB: Joey Harrington (at least I know he'll be starting. Who is going to take his job? Chris Redman? Plus, he'll be available to play the piano at weddings and bar mitzvahs).

RB: LT (stud)
RB: Brandon Jackson (same bye as LT. Under the radar rookie who could flourish in GB's system, providing Farve stays healthy and doesn't throw 39 picks, necessitating pass, pass, pass comebacks. But third round? Ye Gods.).
RB: Len Dale White (what will be his playing time? What's his attitude? And believe me -- he was actually the "best" available at pick 129, along with his Titan RB brethren).

WR: Andre Johnson (I had him last year, and he caught more balls than a Columbus stripper. But had few touchdowns, as David Carr had difficulty throwing into the end zone from his back and through the tears. Will Matt Schaub make a difference?)
WR: Plaxico Burress (despite his obvious physical gifts, I actually dislike his prima donna attitude and poor work ethic. But who else does Eli have to throw to -- besides the team in the other color jerseys, of course?)
WR: Kevin Curtis (have any of the "greatest show on turf" wonder receivers flourished outside that system? Az Hakim, anyone? Will McNabb stay healthy? I really wanted Reggie Brown here, but he got snagged)

TE: Heath Miller (how will "Steely McBeam's" new O-Coordinator feature the tight end?)
TE: Eric Johnson (will he even play? Hell, it was pick 180)

D: Jacksonville (put up good numbers, but will they stay healthy? How many picks will their corners have?)
D: Carolina (will they be the force up front they've always been? Can their secondary do anything? On the upside, they play Joey Harrington twice).

K: Josh Scobee (I'm okay with this).
K: Nick Folk (I have no idea who this is. Purportedly, he plays for Dallas. He was one selection away from being the AFFL "Mr. Irrelevant.")

So there you have it. I have LT, and a bunch of questions, desperation and hope. Like the "real" Area 51, it's a mystery and no one is quite sure of the contents. Good thing I perfected the mix for the bloody marys.