If you don't eat yer meat, you can't have any pudding

New University of Miami coach Randy Shannon is laying down the law. It seems that the coach and I have more in common that just a girly appellation. We both share a love of law and order, justice and discipline. To his credit, Coach Shannon has realized that sometimes, guns and Miami just don't mix. To that end, he has taken the extraordinary step of putting in a "zero tolerance" policy for his players: No Guns.

While most college students shudder at the thought of not being strapped with a glock during Comparative Literature, Shannon realizes that The U has to overcome some image problems and restore dignity and respect to a tarnished football institution. In addition to his "no guns" edict, the coach has also imposed some other draconian measures sure to separate the thuggish wheat from the chafe at the home of the Ibis:

1. Bazookas and RPGs are only allowed for hunting. During season. With a license.
2. You may only use, possess and distribute marijuana and mushrooms. Absolutely no "hard stuff."
3. You can only date strippers/hookers, but not marry them.
4. Grade fixing is only permissible in classes that count toward your major.
5. You cannot take fingernail clippers on a plane.
6. Boosters are only allowed to provide cars (nothing more extravagant than a Porsche), lodging, wardrobe, food, jewelry and gold plated dental work. No PS2s, X-Boxes or free cable (you should be studying).
7. Any crack pipes or bongs found in the locker room featuring the "U" logo will result in 2 wind sprints and a 1 quarter suspension against conference powerhouse Duke for the owner.
8. No rapings, beatings or bukkakes with co-eds or strippers.
9. Staging cockfights, pit bull fights or bumfights will be limited to one such occurrence per month. Per player.
10. Famous alumni are only allowed to provide legal representation for current Hurricane players for their initial trial. Lawyers for any appeals must be provided independently by the player.
11. Professional sports agents are only allowed to have a sleepover once a month. No building forts with a card table and a blanket during the visit. Unless it's Drew Rosenhaus.
12. Only 2 "baby's mammas" per player per semester.
13. Michael Irvin to be seized by local police upon crossing the city limits of Coral Gables.

We applaud Coach Shannon for taking this "tough love" stance, and look forward to the resurgence of this bastion of integrity. While wins and losses are important, it's critical to keep in mind the role a university plays in shaping young men for their future.