"You look badass."

Note: I was told by some pals last week that sometimes I post plot details about a show that's already aired, but hasn't yet been viewed off the Tivo, thereby resulting in the "Post-Air-Spoiler." Ironically enough, the example mentioned was in a post I did about my decision to NOT read advance spoilers! (I think I gave away that "Future President Petrelli" was in fact Sylar on Heroes. Ooops.) We made a "gentleman's agreement" over several pitchers of margaritas that one week was the appropriate amount of time to post without a warning at the top. So, I'm about to discuss last Monday's season finale of Heroes -- read at your own peril. And BTW, my decision to go spoiler-free was one of the best I've ever made. It was like kicking crack (or so I've heard), but GREATLY enhanced my enjoyment of the greatest mind-fuck in recent memory, Lost's kickass season ender. More on that later this weekend.

I've been a fan of Heroes all year. Generally, you cut first year shows more slack than you do established shows as they try to sort out their characterizations, storytelling conceits, pacing and tone. Some shows come right of the box perfect (BSG, Dexter, Firefly, Gilmores, Veronica) and others struggle to find the right balance (Buffy, TNG, Eureka, Big Love). Heroes was somewhere in the middle. There was many, many entertaining episodes, and two that were just about perfect ("Company Man" and "String Theory"). But they also had some that missed the mark, and I was pretty disappointed by the season finale, "How to Stop an Exploding Man." Especially when you compare it to Wednesday's Lost finale, "Through the Looking Glass." There's a great post over on CHUD.com about the difference between the two. (Note: don't read that until you've seen the season enders for both series). I'm not as down on Heroes as that writer, but it should be noted that I while I enjoy Heroes, I don't put it in the same "class" as Lost (or BSG, for that matter). Where Heroes is a burger, Lost is steak. Where Heroes is a light beer, Lost is a fine wine. Not that I don't enjoy my burgers and beer, but you just have to recognize it for what it is.

There were a few things to enjoy about "Exploding Man." "Pound for pound," Hayden Panetierre is right there with Kristen Bell as one of the best actresses on TV. Some (though not nearly enough) plotlines were resolved. Jack Coleman brings fantastic depth and pathos to the role of HRG (Noah!). Greg Grunberg delivers wonderfully droll line readings. I normally hate kids, especially on TV, but Molly was interesting and compelling in small doses. Claire jumping out the window. And of course, there's the line from the title of this post: "You look badass." "Really?"

But there were a larger number of nitpicks.

The showdown we've been waiting for all year: Peter vs. Sylar. An epic throwdown between two characters with a VAST ARRAY of powers. Strength. TK. Mind reading. Invisibility. Teleportation. Time travel and control (yes, Peter had to have this from Hiro). Super strength. Radioactivity. Flight. Super Hearing. Brain slicing. So what do we get in this colossal fight? A couple of punches and one stick with a sword. That's it. LAME. So many questions. Why didn't Sylar TK everything in sight at Peter, like the Emperor in the Star Wars movies? Why didn't Peter know what was coming from Sylar, given that he had absorbed Matt's power of mind reading? Why didn't Peter stop time to dispatch Sylar? Why didn't Hiro, for that matter? Why didn't Sylar know Niki and/or Hiro was coming, given his super hearing? Why didn't Peter go invisible and beat the shit out of Sylar from directions he wouldn't see? Why didn't Peter pick up Sylar, fly high above the city and drop his ass on the pavement, or fly him full speed into a building? Why did Hiro learn to be a master swordsman (all in two hours, mind you) when all he did was one, highly telegraphed thrust (that he didn't even stop time for)? Why didn't they chop Sylar's head off after he was felled? The fight was just so anti-climactic that I wanted to throw things at my TV. Horrible payoff for something that's been building for months.

How to actually stop the exploding man. Okay, I get the emotional aspect of having Nathan fly Peter up, up and away. But the narrative and dramatic impact should be rooted in some kind of internal show logic. Since Hiro has apparently gained greater control of his powers, why not have him grab Peter, and teleport him someplace else to explode, where there will be no loss of life or no one will care, like the middle of the desert or Columbus, Georgia? Why not time travel him back to one gazillion BC to explode? Why not use the damned sword to stab him in in the back of the head and "kill him" (a la Peter and the shard of glass earlier, or Claire and the stick), only to "revive" him after they've developed a more cohesive plan to deal with the radioactive power? And why didn't Peter just fly on his own? Unless, of course, during this moment of radioactive overheating, he could only manifest one power at a time (which wasn't set up previously). If HRG is as smart as we've seen all season, why wouldn't he think of these things? Having characters' IQs and powers fluctuate to serve the drama of the script is just bad storytelling.

So the visions Isaac and Peter had all along were wrong. Every time we saw Peter explode, it was during the day. This was at night. Bad continuity, or poorly explained "rules" of the visions?

I liked Hiro plummeting into another time, back in the samurai days (and was that his dad behind one of those masks?). But you couldn't spring for a few more riders, or at least some CGI troops to give it an "epic" feel, rather than just looking like 10 guys out on the weekend doing a civil war reenactment?

What the fuck was with Peter's visit to the "past" and "meeting" with Shaft (Mr. Deveaux)? And the "inner strength" and "peace and love" dialogue there was laughable.

If Candace really doesn't look like the hot catholic schoolgirl (as she's suggested several times), then why did she look that way once she was knocked out and the rest of her "illusions" fell?

Look, I like thought provoking questions as much as the next guy (see: season finales of Lost or BSG). But when the questions don't hold up under the logic you've established for 20+ episodes, then the whole thing crumbles under the scrutiny. I think part of the problem was that as cool as it was to have both Peter and Sylar gain more and more powers each episode, they became TOO powerful at the end. And if you know as showrunners and writers that you're building to this climax, then you simply MUST think through how those powers are going to manifest themselves in the epic confrontation you've been teasing ALL SEASON LONG.

Heroes was fun, entertaining and contained many moments of pure pop culture exhilaration. But this was a very disappointing payoff to an uneven season. It will stay on the season pass list, and I'm looking forward to the next chapters, but this gets a solid C in my book. Hopefully, now that the producers know they have a hit on their hands, they'll put a little more thought into where it goes from here and how the details pay off in the long run.

Mini-Musings

Busy this week, but I'll share some abbreviated thoughts as the days pass.

American Idol
No long recap here. Jordin wins.
She did Xtina's "Fighter" well enough, went back to the well with "Broken Wing" and sang the hell out the sappy "coronation" song.
Blake reprised his showstopping Bon Jovi tune, but it lacked suspense the second time around (but was still surprisingly entertaining). Then he did the Maroon 5 song I was so thankful he ignored last week (lame) and had no chance on the sappy coronation song -- it just wasn't designed for him. Question: why didn't they let him completely re-arrange it? Put down an uptempo synth beat and do something different? The producers, judges and everyone knows that head to head on pablum like that, Jordin will mop the floor with Blake 100 times out of 100. It might have been a huge trainwreck (and a slap in the face to the songwriters who won the contest -- but no more than the slap in the face this song in its utter insipid sameness did to viewers) but at least it would have been different and daring.
Daughtry rocked, but needs to lay off the eyeliner.

Veronica Mars
Two solid eps for the swan song, filled with snark, great performances and not a lot of closure. Even this year, where the storytelling and quality was more hit and miss than the first two seasons, Veronica remained one of the best shows on TV and it's a downright pitiful shame that it was cast aside for whoring sea donkeys.

Lost
I can't even convey how excited I am for the finale tonight, the first Lost finale I've approached spoiler free.

24
Finally, it's over. Despite Kiefer's heroic efforts and fantastic performance, this was the worst season of 24 ever. In the next week or so, I'll post a list of problems with this year and potential "fixes."

Heroes
Again, more coming later when I'm not swamped, but the finale was a huge letdown in terms of squandered comic book potential.

NBA Lottery
Only the Hawks could screw the pooch like this. They had to get in the top 3 to keep their pick and not give it to Phoenix. And this is a draft with TWO transcendent, franchise-making talents. So where do they wind up? Third. Par for the fucking course.

CSI Finale
Loved the insight into the Miniature Killer, and the creepy performance from the actress who portrayed her. I can't stand Jorja Fox nor her character Sara Sidle, so I hope she stays trapped and dead beneath a car while she tries once again unsuccessfully (and undeservedly) to renegotiate her contract.

The Office
I just started watching the last few weeks of this season. I can't believe I missed this the first go 'round, but this show is incredible (if a wee bit uncomfortable). Catching up on DVDs now.

New TV Season
I'll have my usual "new show picks" later this summer in a full season preview, but the leaders in the clubhouse now appear to be Reaper, Pushing Daisies and Bionic Woman. For those who read my old myspace blog, my picks for this year were Dexter, Shark, Heroes, Studio 60, Smith and The Nine. Guess I hit .500 in terms of them sticking around. Of those remaining, Heroes is great pulp entertainment with occasionally stellar acting and vision, Shark is scenery-chewing entertainment and a decent way to pass an hour, and Dexter approaches Battlestar Galactica for the title of Best Show on TV.

More embarrassing to Georgia than the Hawks

Another on-point, brilliant evisceration from TNRLM's go-to pundit, Christopher Hitchens, can be found here.

As long as they don't bring back Nora Lewin

Apparently, big changes are afoot for Law and Order: Mothership. While "on the bubble" for NBC, TNT stepped up to the plate and made an offer to pony up serious cash to air first run Law and Order originals. In the end, NBC/Universal struck a deal which allows the mothership to continue on NBC (moving to Sundays, I think), and first runs of Law and Order: Criminal Intent to air on corporate cousin USA, with re-airs on NBC. Law and Orders (all three of 'em) are like "comfort food" to me, so I'm happy to see them all continue in some various form.

The mothership will see some serious change, though:

• Rene Balcer, who worked on the original before heading off to create CI, will return to the mothership as showrunner.
• Fred Dalton Thompson may step down as DA Arthur Branch, in order to contemplate a real-life presidential bid. Or, simply to cuts costs. Either way, it appears that Jack McCoy will no longer be the world's oldest Assistant DA, and will step up as DA. Since Jack doesn't have a taste for politics, I imagine the plot will see him "appointed" to the job in the wake of Branch's departure.
• Rumors abound about other cast changes, with no one save Lt. Van Buren safe.

If it was up to me, here's what I'd do:

• McCoy moves to DA.
• Alexandra Cabot (Stephanie March) returns to fill Jack's role as Senior ADA.
• Rubirosa (my favorite ADA since Angie Harmon's Abby "Hang 'em High" Carmichael) stays as Cabot's #1.
• Ed Green stays as lead detective.
• As much as I like Milena Govich, I've never quite forgiven her for playing the manipulative skank on Rescue Me who bilked Kenny out of his money and broke his heart (hits too close to home, apparently). And I don't think she ever really caught on with viewers as Nina Cassidy. So why not bring over John Munch from SVU? They're adding Adam Beach to the SVU cast, and Munch had less and less to do even before that move. That would keep a nice XX and XY balance to the cast, though the police side would be all boys and the legal side all girls.

Also, it's supremely annoying that Blogger won't take "ampersand" characters, especially when you're writing about Law and Order.

Whodat?

On Wednesday's season finale of Bones, Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top was (obviously) reprising his role as Angela's dad. Also, the mom of the victim was Roxanne Hart, who I remember many moons ago as the love interest in the first Highlander movie.

24's Karen Hayes (Jayne Atkinson) was the FBI boss on the season finale of Criminal Minds.

I mentioned it previously in my Lost post, but Tracy Middendorf was one of the mysterious inhabitants of the Looking Glass.

Dayton Callie (Charlie Utter from the dear, departed Deadwood) reprised his role as Miniature Killer (foster) dad Ernie Dell on Thursday's CSI: Original Recipe finale. The MK's "real" dad, a fucked up Vegas ventriloquist, was played by Jay Johnson. Sitcom savants know Johnson as "both" Chuck and Bob from the seminal sitcom SOAP.

Sorkin good luck charm Josh Malina unexpectedly showed up on Friday's fun Stargate SG-1 as the only one of the "hostages" to believe in aliens.

Questions and Rabbits

Yet another great Lost last night. And oddly unsettling, too. The usual pattern is that when you get a flashback, and your character is rumored to be dying (long time rumors -- I'm still spoiler free!), you'll kick the bucket in that ep. Not to mention when you have a drunken, possibly time traveling, maybe prescient Scotsman following you around constantly tell you that you are indeed going to soon take the dirt nap. But our little hobbit made it through the episode unexpectedly, although his situation at the end didn't appear too enviable.

We were completely Locke-free and Sawyer-lite (usually, two harbingers of an ep I won't enjoy as much) but it was a fast moving and melancholy visit to the island. I won't do a full recap/review, but the bottom line: 815ers anticipate an attack from the Others, Jack's an ass and "back in charge, Juliet is still enigmatically hot and quirkily funny, Rose and Bernard still exist and he's a good shot, Sayid as always is a badass, Desmond has visions, Charlie thinks he's gonna die, Naomi's phone might work if Charlie flips a jamming device off in the newly discovered underground bunker called "The Looking Glass" but will probably drown doing it, Ben's possible daughter Alex doesn't really like him, her boyfriend Karl runs/paddles to warn the 815ers about the Others arriving early, and now we know why Rousseau was getting dynamite.

Wow. That's a long bottom line.

Questions and comments:

• The chick Charlie saved from being mugged? Nadia, Sayid's long lost love.
• Charlie made a list of the 5 best moments of his life ("greatest hits") to give to Claire. I grabbed a post-it and started to do that myself, but couldn't fill up the space.
• I'm no expert in childcare (my only real exposure to parenting indicated that you should get drunk and ignore them and then ship 'em off to live with criminals while you fucked half the county) but it seems that leaving a small, metal ring with sharp edges in a crib is not a good idea.
• So what was up with Charlie being a good swimmer all of sudden? In the ep "White Rabbit" (ironic, that) he said he couldn't swim -- even to save Boone. Now, he's a "junior swim champ?" So, what was it? He didn't really care for Boone? Didn't want to stick his neck out for anyone, until Claire made him realize some things were worth sacrifice? Was he lying then? Bad continuity from the writers?
• The sticker on Charlie's guitar case in the flashback (presumably just around the time he saw Desmond) was "I was here moments ago."
• Juliet's droll snark after Karl "outed" her as an Other was priceless.
• Was Ben lying to Juliet about the Looking Glass being flooded? Does he know for sure?
• Who are the gun toting babes in the Looking Glass? Original Dharma? Others? Something else entirely?
  
• What's the rabbit in the logo for the station?
• It appears someone had a good dad. How many people were expecting Charlie's dad to be a typical "island dad" and let Charlie almost drown in the pool?
• A Whodat: Tracy Middendorf played one of the gun toting babes. I recently spotted her on Shark, and remember her from the pilot of Angel. Even wackier? She was also on House as a divorced mom with a sick kid. Know who played her ex-husband on House? Batmanuel (Nestor Carbonell), the apparently never aging Richard Alpert on Lost. Cool.
• Speaking of rabbits, was Alex butchering a rabbit? Was that a sly dig at her presumed dad, who we saw last week, was fond of the hippity hops?
• How could having a groupie three way not make Charlie's "greatest hits?"
• And who else read something dirty into the fact that Rose told Bernard "let's get you into something dark?" Just me?

Spoiler free, and waiting to have my mind completely fucked next week in the two hour season finale.

I'll leave when I'm good and ready

A strange confluence of events last night resulted in two sly mentions of the "c-word" on TV.

First, there was the inspired fan in the outfield of the Nationals/Braves game. For more details, check out this post at Deadspin. Clever of him to start with the latter part of the word, making folks think he was going for the nice gesture of a "VT" for Virginia Tech.

Then, on House, after being pestered yet again about their "relationship" by Chase, Cameron told Chase "see you next Tuesday." This, of course, is meta on so many levels. First, in the plot of the show, Chase has been bringing up his longing for their former nookie sessions (and his "feelings for her") once a week, on Tuesdays. Second, the show actually airs on Tuesday. And finally, well, there's the "coded" meaning.

Which made me laugh and go find this beauty, which is perfectly applicable:

Hasta La Vista, Moron

Yesterday, bigot, blowhard and intellectual dwarf Jerry Fallwell passed away. Slate magazine assembled a quick list of some of his more idiotic, offensive and nonsensical statements in one handy article. Of course, to list every contemptuous, ill-advised and profoundly stupid thing he's ever said might take up all the memory on the internet. Buh-bye, asshat.

The show where The Big Unit loves Whitney Houston

Okay, not technically. But when the governor of Tennessee read a fax from Randy Jackson, he mistakenly said it was from Randy Johnson, and that amused me to no end. I can just imagine the ornery, 6' 10", rodent-looking white dude pitcher sitting on the judges panel every week. He was famously surly with the NY media during his time with the Yankees, so it's entirely possible that he would have used his prodigious wingspan to backhand Paula into last November the next time she wandered off onto one of her "puppies and unicorns and rainbows" tangents. Plus, hearing The Big Unit throw down some "yo, dawg, check it out" would be the height of absurdity.

Okay, on with the show. Where was Clive Davis? Instead of the legendary record exec, we get choices from the "producers." Not that I'm complaining, as Clive's choices are often less than awe inspiring, and I think this time around, they made sound decisions. But first up, we have Judges choice.

Round 1: Judges
Jordin starts us off with Simon's pick, "Wishing on a Star" from Rose Royce. I'm not that familiar with this song, though I do have an unnatural love for her song "Car Wash." And after her performance and later ones, Jordin shows some uncharacteristic "petulance" with the judges, and I wonder if that will hurt her? As for the song, she performs it well, though she does have a tendency to get a wee bit "breathy." I agree with Simon (of course) that the arrangement is too jazzy and not R&B enough. But a very good start to the evening.

Paula picks The Police classic "Roxanne" for Blake. Paula is often very astute in her choices and is here again. This is great for Blake on so many levels. First, everyone knows this song, and saves Blake from venturing into the "I'm so hip and I love obscure songs the audience never listens to" territory. It's also difficult to "twist up" or "beatbox" this song, which at this point, I think Blake needs. Finally, it gives him a chance to sing and showcase his voice without any tics or tricks. Blake delivers a wonderful performance.

Randy chooses Whitney Houston's "I Believe in You and Me" for Melinda, in the aforementioned fax. Even in a fax, Randy has to lay down some "check it out" and shamelessly plug his work with the Bobby Brown's ex-wife. Not a fan of these soaring, insipid, sound alike ballads, but except for a mildly flat falsetto note, Melinda delivers perfectly.

This "round" is close. Jordin has been my favorite for most of the show thus far, I enjoy Blake's performance the most, and Melinda performs a more difficult choice with the greatest degree of proficiency. Close to a tie, with perhaps a slight edge to Mindy Doo.

Round 2: Producers
While Clive Davis is kept alive in a secret underground bunker full of copper tubes, bunsen burners, erlenmeyer flasks of brightly colored liquids and various ascots, the "producers" choose for the Idols.

Jordin gets Donna Summer's "She Works Hard for the Money." (note: before she performed, she was asked about her "favorite song." She said it was Hanson's "Mmm-Bop." Don't know if I'd told that, as the saying goes. Of course, when I was stuck on a plane for 6 hours last Friday, the only viable entertainment choices were a repeat of 30 Rock, which was excellent but only shown once, and the various music channels. The only one worth listening to was an 80s channel, which suited me fine. However, that Hanson song was among the selections and I heard it probably 15 times. Strangely, I began to appreciate the pure pop confection of that little ditty. Or maybe it was the abundance of mini-bottles of Crown). Once again, Jordin delivers a solid version of this tune, but I'm wondering if something is "off" with her tonight. (Could it be having a 17 year old sing about being a hooker? Of course, I know someone who would have fit that song just fine, but she's too old for the competition in terms of both age and "mileage.") It also makes me realize just how spectacular Donna Summer, long one of my favorites, is. Jordin hits all the notes and is fine.

Blake gets Maroon 5's "This Love." This is so much better than "She Will be Loved" as a choice, and Maroon 5 fits his voice wonderfully. He even adds a bit of the dreaded beatboxing in the middle, but it's small, and I don't mind. Really pleasing pop performance.

Then the producers reach into the heavens and give Melinda a gift: Ike and Tina Turner's awesome "Nutbush City Limits." When I hear the announcement of the song choice, my notes read "OMFG!!! Nutbush!!!" Yeah, I'm excited about this. Needless to say, Melinda rocks this bitch out. A great choice, a great performance and I really like the sassy, scowling and prowling Melinda.

Round 2 is another installment of upping the ante, but Melinda delivers the goods and takes this one. On the cards thus far, I have Melinda ahead, with Blake a c-hair ahead of Jordin.

Round 3: Performers' Choice
I don't recall previous Idols going back to the well for a song they've already done here. I thought that was reserved for next week. But Jordin chooses the song that made her a front runner, "I Who Have Nothing." If possible, she does an even better job here than she did previously. I get chillbumps hearing this song, and she knocks it out of the park. A real showstopping moment, flawlessly delivered.

When I hear Blake's choice, Robin Thicke's "When I Get You Alone," my heart sinks. It's obscure, not widely known, and Thicke certainly didn't do himself any favors with a lackluster performance on the show a couple of weeks ago. Did Blake learn nothing about picking out of the mainstream tunes last week? Then the music kicks in, and it's obviously a sample of the disco favorite "Fifth of Beethoven." Uh-oh, I might like this. And even though I don't know the song, Blake puts down a fantastic performance. It's almost kinda awesome. Wow. Surprising.

Melinda does "I'm a Woman." This is also a reach-back to a previous tune, although I didn't realize that until later, since I only start watching at the Top 12. She has sass, attitude and gives some props to the background singers, a nice nod to her career up to this point. She stumbles over some of the early riffing, but still imbues it with big notes and fun.

Round 3 is interesting. How much will Jordin and Melinda be penalized for grabbing previous songs and not taking on something new? How much will Blake be penalized for choosing something the vast majority of viewers haven't heard, despite the awesome Walter Murphy backing? I score this one for Blake solidly with Jordin close behind and Melinda 3rd.

That makes the overall night very, very interesting. Based on tonight alone, cumulatively over the hours I would score it 1. Blake, 2. Melinda, 3. Jordin, with not much separating them. And I know this season has gotten a lot of criticism, but personally, I think the top three is the best ever. Think about it. S1 had that whore Nikki McKibbin. S2 was close to this one, with Kimberly Locke as the 3rd runner up. S3 had Jasmine Trias 3rd, not too mention Diana Degarmo as 2nd runner up (the worst season, I think). s4 was great with Carrie and Bo, but had Vonzell in 3rd. Last year was solid, with Elliot Yamin in the 3rd spot, but Chris Daughtry should have at least been there, if not won the damned thing. All 9 performances Tuesday were very, very good, with a few that were transcendent.

TNRLM's Rankings
Okay, I'm going to do something a bit different here.

• As I said before, if it's solely based on Tuesday performances, I would put Blake and Melinda into the finals, with Jordin going home.
• If I had to rank them according to who has the greatest "technical proficiency," I would put them 1. Melinda, 2. Jordin and 3. Blake.
• If I had to rank them according to who might sell the most records, I would put them 1. Jordin, Blake, 3. Melinda.
• If I had to rank them according to what I think their individual fan bases are, I would say 1. Blake, 2. Jordin, 3. Melinda.

Wow. Hard to choose here, and tonight will be interesting no matter which way it goes.

I guess he had it coming for killing James T. Kirk

So Linderman is dead? "Phase punched" to the head by DL, who scrambled Linderman's brains? Wow. Didn't see that one coming. And another bad turn for guest stars, as Eric Roberts' Thompson gets two in the brain from HRG, who I'm happy see is trending back towards his "grey area" morality. Not only plugging Thompson, with the classic one liner "your last thought," but also knowing all along that the tracking system was a cute wittle girl that he had to off as well.

Another great thrill ride from Heroes last night, full of fantastic moments:

• Pretty much anything Sylar did. Getting Magneto on the armored truck. Turning Geico caveman Ted into upside down brain cake. Lurking around a corner eating ice cream. "Boom" at the end.
• Sulu rocking the ninja swordplay!
• Parkman mindreading his way past security.
• One of the very few times I liked the skank Niki/Jessica: "didn't I throw you out a window?"
• An ancient samurai sword repair shop. In the yellow pages.

Not much to complain about, other than the fact that the normally gorgeous Rena Sofer is about the ugliest "cry-er" I've ever seen. (as evidenced both here and on 24).

Questions:

• So Molly was the girl Parkman saved from Sylar? Holy shit, I had forgotten that. I was perplexed about how she knew him, but found out, thanks to the interwebs.
• Does Sulu have some power of "super teaching?" Or did Hiro freeze or accelerate time? Otherwise, how did all the swordplay lessons get imparted so quickly?
• So how fucked up is Candace in real life? It was hinted that her hot chick in plaid miniskirt look is also an illusion. Just overweight (implied by her eating comments) or acid in the face screwed up?

TV's Best Cliffhangers

AOL TV recently posted a listing of TV's best cliffhangers. Some I agree with, some I don't. As I stated in a previous post, while I realize the "nation gripped in a frenzy" impact of "Who Shot JR?," being a complete geek, number one in my book (and 3 in theirs, I think) was the end of Star Trek: The Next Generation's "Best of Both Worlds" (part 1).

Most of their choices are from more recent times as older shows didn't trend toward serialized stories, but I'm glad they did reach back to one of the great, underrated sitcoms of all time, SOAP. Incredibly daring for its time, especially for a sitcom.

Also, I was shocked as hell about Boomer shooting Adama, but personally I was mind-frakked much more over the "one year later" ending of "Lay Down Your Burdens." And this year's BSG season ender was similarly, and spectacularly, crafted.

Whodat?

On Thursday's CSI: Original Recipe, the delicious Melinda Clarke returned as Lady Heather. Also present, JR Bourne (Martouf from Stargate SG-1) as onetime Heather paramour, and Joe Penny (Jake and the Fatman) as the old west park owner with a strange fascination with roughing up and killing chicks.

Laura Harris showed up on Friday's Stargate Atlantis as the leader of one of the "game's" real life leaders. I remember her as bad-sister Marie Warner on 24. And I always confuse her with Laura Allen, who was on Criminal Minds a couple of weeks ago as one of the humans hunted in the woods by a couple of redneck brothers. She was the annoying Lily on The 4400, and the super-annoying Julia on Dirt. Anyone else always mix these two up?

On Tuesday's "ripped from the headlines" Law and Order: CI, David Cross (analrapist Tobias Funke) was the "almost lawyer" and "maybe husband" of the faux Anna Nicole Smith "starlet" played by movie Buffy, Kristy Swanson.

Speaking of Buffy, there's a good podcast interview with Joss Whedon about the Season 8 comics here.

I'm expecting locusts any second now.

Wow. What a shitty couple of days. Discover Thursday afternoon that my car has a flat. Have to drive it hobbled to the NTB for a new one. Find that the annual spring ritual of tiny ants making their way into the laundry room to dine on the kids' food has started again this year. Great. My 1 hour and 20 minute flight back to Atlanta last night winds up taking 6 hours, when we're late taking off, encounter "weather" in Atlanta, go into holding pattern, but run out of gas, land in Greenville to refuel (on the tarmac), but then wait 1 hour to get "our paperwork" and fly back to Atlanta. And of course, the return trip home is where I got stuck with a fucking window seat sitting beside someone very large. At least I had time to work 20 TV Guide crossword puzzles. And finally, come home at 2 AM last night to find that the AC on the main floor has stopped working.

I feel like a MasterCard Commercial:

New left rear tire? $175.
Pest control visit? $150.
AC service call? $180.
Six hours smashed up against a little window so I can see the spot on the ground where the flying cylindrical tube of death with wings will imminently crash, not able to find the left armrest under the sweaty tidal wave of flesh from Jabba the Hutt and her bottomless bag of Cheeto's? Priceless.

Still, there were interesting moments sandwiched in there yesterday. Plus, it's cocktail hour now. Hoo-Fucking-Ha.

What's my desktop?

Apropos of nothing, I thought I'd share what my PC desktop looks like. Here's the one that I've had for the past couple of years, and which really never goes out of style (especially since there's something to add past 1982):




And here's the one I've been using lately, taken from the cover of the Buffy Season 8 comics (and if you're a Buffy fan and missing out on these, shame on you).

HRG In Da House

If you don't know who "HRG" is, then turn in your nerd card and move along. However, if you realize that "HRG" is "Horn Rimmed Glasses," the marvelously complex villain (or is it hero?) on Heroes, then proceed.

HRG is played by Jack Coleman, who first came to TV viewers attention as the second Steven Carrington on Dynasty, one of TV's first openly gay characters. (And amusing how Dynasty took the tactic of old school soap operas -- "the character of Steven Carrington is now being played by..."). Jack bopped around H'wood for a while, doing guest shots and movies before finding the role of a lifetime on Heroes, which he simply knocks out of the park every single Monday.

I love it when actors from shows you adore in interviews and commentaries come across as real people -- funny, self-deprecating and actually grateful for the work they get, rather than arrogant prima donnas that actually turn you off from the show. (Examples of people who "get it" and you could see yourself having a beer with include Nathan Fillion, Ben Browder, Jason Bateman or Amanda Tapping. Just seek out a few of their interviews or listen to their DVD commentaries).

TWOPers have probably already listened to this, but if you haven't and you're a fan of Heroes, check out the podcast interviews with Coleman here:

Part One
Part Two

Also, there's a nifty feature at NBC.com where you can watch an episode of Heroes in one "pane," and see/hear episode commentary from the cast in the other. Any of the ones with Coleman would be worth your while, as are ones with Parkman (Greg Grunbery) and Sylar (Zach Quinto).

Mind Blown.

Then put back together, then blown again. This whole "spoiler free" thing I'm doing freaked my shit out for the first major time last night watching the "The Man Behind the Curtain" episode of Lost.

So let me get this straight:

• John Locke got shot by Ben and may or may not be on his way to dying? (Say it ain't so!)
• Ben was lying (not too shocking) and not born on the island, but instead in a forest 32 miles outside of Portland? Isn't this were Mittelos Bioscience was founded?
• Batmanuel apparently doesn't age. And he can obviously go from the island to Portland and back again?
• Another island person has father issues.
• The Dharma folks were on the island to figure out peace, love and understanding, only to be "purged" by other folks ("hostiles") who were already there?
• Ben's dead pop was the corpse in the VW microbus, who was gassed by Ben himself?
• The mysterious Jacob could be a figment of Ben's imagination, a real "ghost, some type of ethereal person with psychic abilities who hates flashlights and dresses in older period costumes, that Locke can hear too? And he's asking Locke for help? And in his funky, Blair Witch cabin he keeps bizarre paintings of dogs and jars of ooky red fluid?
• It appeared some (or at least one) of the bodies in the Dharma open grave had a bullethole in its head?
• The sonic fence can be adjusted so that instead of killing you and keeping out the smoke monster, it just leaves you "mostly dead?"
• Naomi recovered quickly, didn't she?
• Juliet really is trying to help the Losties?
• And Jack is taking his own sweet time, on his own, to formulate his strategy to combat the Others? And he knew about Juliet's tape recorder all along?
• Now everybody knows that Jin's boys couldn't swim previously? And now everybody knows that Jin's boys do swim on the island? Including Jin, who didn't know that previously?
• As a child, Ben saw his dead mother on the island, wearing the same thing as the little wooden doll that his friend Annie gave him for his birthday?
• Ben's grip on the Others may be loosening, as Batmanuel and Tom watched Locke put a beat down on Mikhail? And why was Ben in charge after all this time, if Batmanuel doesn't age and has been involved someway since "the beginning" when Ben was but a visiting child?
  
• Does the fact that Ben's mom died during childbirth (at 7 months) have anything to do with all the pregnancy shenanigans on the island?
• Ben apparently likes white rabbits.
• The island's volcano has erupted at some point, and does the gray powder all around Jacob's cabin have anything to do with that?
• And again -- they couldn't really fucking kill Locke, could they?
• If the Dharma Initiative is dead, how come they kept dropping supplies?
• And if Dharma was "purged," then who "employed" Inman and Desmond to man the station/hatch?
  

Whew. As Jacob said, "Help Me!"

Whodat?

On Monday's Heroes, Ellen Greene was Sylar's mom. She's a Broadway vet, and probably most recognized as Audrey from the big screen Little Shop of Horrors. John Badham, of Wargames and Saturday Night Fever fame, was the director of the episode.

Michael Shanks, Dr. Daniel Jackson on Stargate SG-1, has been the spy collaborating with the Russians and banging the VP's girlfriend on recent eps of 24.

On last Tuesday's House, Shonda Farr played the chick in for a breast exam when Wilson was hysterically freaked out on uppers House had dosed his coffee with. I recognize her most as April, the fuckbot Warren built in Buffy's "I Was Made to Love You." Coyote Ugly's Piper Perabo was the vegan House is attempting to get jiggy with.

On last week's wacky CSI (and really, hasn't this been the best season of this show?) about alien conspiracy nuts, Ally Sheedy (Breakfast Club!) was "true believer" who bit Greg and beheaded the "serpent queen." Enrico Colantoni (Papa Mars, Galaxy Quest and Just Shoot Me) was the sleazy perp. Julie Hagerty (Airplane!) was his con victim who really, really wanted to believe the serpentine aliens were here on earth, who needed to be beheaded (Paris Hilton's head is still attached, so no "mission accomplished").

On Tuesday's superb return to form for Veronica Mars (why didn't they come back from hiatus with this ep, instead of the PSA about tolerance?), Paul Rudd was the snarkalicious former rock star, Desmond Fellows. Paul, of course, you would recognize from Clueless, Friends and all the Apatow comedies. Also on VM that night was Suzanne Cryer as the Chinese teacher who had a thing for Desmond. I've had a crush on her since she was Ashley on Two Guys and a Girl, and most recently she popped up on Desperate Housewives.

On last night's Bones, Emily Deschanel's father, noted cinematographer Caleb Deschanel, was the ep's director.

American Idol Final Four: How Can You Mend a Broken Ear?

First things first: I love the Bee Gees, okay? I love disco. Yes, I appreciate artsy, acoustic singer-songwriters and "challenging" songs about world peace and political issues. And sure, virtually every other genre of music, from punk and electronica to country and rap basks in the glow of critical adoration, while disco is a form of music banished to the kids' table during Thanksgiving dinner like the strange cousin who eats paste. But ya know what? Disco is virtually the only type of music that actually makes me "feel good." Brings back memories of happier times in my life, doesn't try to teach me a ham-handed "lesson" and just makes makes me want to move.

So you can imagine how happy I was to see Idol get around to "disco night," or more appropriately, Bee Gees/Barry Gibb night. Little did I know that once it was over, I would have probably would have enjoyed "Idols sing Thom Yorke" or "50 Cent Night" more.

No one said anything about it, but what the hell was up with Barry Gibb's face? I don't think it was the typical case of overbotoxed/face-lifted aging star. Something was going on with his jaw, like he had just gotten it reset and couldn't enunciate more clearly than Logan Echolls or Sylvester the cat. In fact, he sounded like the Sean Connery caricature on "Celebrity Jeopardy." Still, he could bring the falsetto and gave the Idol wannabees solid advice (which Lakisha would ignore, as usual) and had a vast songbook from which the final four could choose.

Melinda, the "resident pro," led us off with "Love You Inside and Out," and did her usual resident pro thing. Solid vocals, great technique, but nothing spectacular. Later, for her second song, she performed "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart." Once again, solid, but unspectacular. And I'm not a doctor or anything (but I do watch House), but every time Melinda ran across a lyric about "heart," she grabbed her tummy. Does she need to play "Operation" and learn where these parts are? Did anyone else notice this? Not great, but compared to some of what was to follow, it was stellar.

Blake was up next, to bring us the high energy romp that is "You Should Be Dancing." Except that it wasn't a high energy romp. As much as I loved the god-forsaken beatboxing last week against my better judgment, he overdid it tonight. Maybe it was like when someone thought it was funny when Jack Tripper fell over the couch, and then he spent the next five years falling over the couch on every episode of Three's Company. I think Blake was reading his press clippings all week, about 90% positive, on taking Bon Jovi to beatboxland, and decided that no song, no matter the context, would be complete without it. Or maybe he realized that his falsetto lacked any projection or power, and was determined to distract us all from it. Whatever the reason, this song was a mess. Ironically, it did not convince me I should be dancing. Maybe "You Should Be Drinking More Heavily and Listening to Your Saturday Night Fever CD" would have been more apt. For his second tune, Blake came back with "This is Where I Came In." Of all the songs in the catalog, he chose this? That's like saying "Spock's Brain" is your favorite episode of Star Trek. Or "Black Market" is your favorite Battlestar Galactica. Or "Beer Bad" is your favorite Buffy. Okay, you get the point. Even Barry Gibb, who wrote the fucking thing, was surprised. Again, the beatboxing distracted from the poor song choice, and Blake actually hit more notes with power this time, but his inexplicable decision to choose a tuneless tune might just kill him, unless the "Blaker Girls" come out in force. Wow. There's "taking chances," and then there's just pissing all over the litterbox of goodwill. I can't believe Blake didn't pick "Jive Talking" or "Nights on Broadway" or something that would combine fun and energy with a recognizable song.

Last week's fortunate survivor, Lakisha, comes out to belt "Stayin' Alive." Should be a slam dunk, right? Except....not. Typically, she shouts all over it, and bizarrely slows down the tempo to an anthemic and touchstone up tempo song from the era. After scowling her way through what should have been a fun hoot, she comes back for her second at bat with "Run to Me" and hits a few more notes this time amidst the hollering, but cracks a note at the end and puts a fitting capper on a disastrous week for her. And of course, she ignored all the advice given her, despite nodding enthusiastically when hearing it. Is her hubris greater than Blake's?

Jordin bats clean up, and should be happy to have survived Bon Jovi week. She plays it relatively safe, and chooses (both times) more "diva-appropriate" songs. Barry Gibb touches himself during the coaching session, and while I love Jordin and she's my "hope" to win, I think the gushing is a little much. Still, she does "To Love Somebody" and it kicks a little ass and is even a bit soulful. She comes back for her second tune with a song made famous by Barbra Striesand, "Woman in Love." Say what you want about her narcissism and hysterical political rantings, but Babs has one of the finest vocal instruments ever recorded. Jordin suffers in comparison to James Brolin's wife, but hell, who wouldn't? I enjoyed it, the judges didn't, but Jordin comes out of tonight's clusterfuck at least a solid number two, if not tied with Melinda.

This hour was almost as painful to get through as a results show, yet I couldn't fast forward through the bad parts. It was even more crushing since I had high hopes for the theme and most of the Idols had performed strongly with Jon Bon Jovi. I'm simply aghast.


TNRLM's Top 2: Jordin and Melinda, by a mile.
TNRLM's Bottom 2: Blake and Lakisha.

Lakisha should go home tonight, unless haters of beatboxing rise up with torches and pitchforks and storm the castle.

EW's Sci-Fi 25

Okay, if you haven't read Entertainment Weekly's "Sci-Fi 25" article in the latest issue, then you should. Or, just click here and read it online.

All caught up? Good.

A fun premise and one that lends itself to debate. And except for a few minor quibbles, I won't argue with the editors' choices. Starting at 25, I'll add my comments on a few of the entries, and then tell you the two painful omissions from the list.

25: V: The Miniseries. I recall being riveted to the television as a teenager when this came out. Between the rodent snacking and the reptilian baby, it was the high point of the miniseries craze on network TV for those of us not fascinated with Richard Chamberlain, and long drawn out weepy love stories.

24: Galaxy Quest. An unbelievably pitch perfect straddling of the fence between gentle mocking of sci-fi geeks (of which I am one) and honoring their devotion and the "conventions" (in every sense of the word) of Trekkian lore. Terrifically cast, sharply written and spot on.

23: Doctor Who. I must admit, I never watched the old BBC versions, but after great critical buzz, I tuned into Skiffy for the updated revival, and was glad I did. A show with cheek, heart and wit.

22: Quantum Leap. As surprisingly awful as Scott Bakula was as Captain Archer on Enterprise (and I was a Trek fan initially thrilled with his casting), he was fantastic as time traveling scientist Sam Beckett. The show had a nice mixture of Sam leaping into "everyday" situations in various timelines along with encounters (and inhabitations) of more famous people in history (Elvis, Lee Harvey Oswald, Marilyn Monroe to name a few). One of the shows on this list (along with V, X-Files, Blade Runner, Khan) that I recall watching with my father, who showed me you could be "cool" and also embrace your inner geek. Intelligently written, sincerely acted and usually compassionate, it also frequently sent me running to the World Book (before the days of the Interwebs) to read up on the time periods represented in its humanistic storylines.

19: Starship Troopers. Really, one of the great misunderstood sci-fi spectacles of all time. I read the books as a kid, and even played the wargames complete with alien bug "counters." People who just didn't "get it" complained that the acting (from noted thespians Casper Van Dien and Denise Richards) was as cardboard as the counters used in the games just referenced, and took the fascist slant as straight on propaganda rather than the brilliant satire it was. Besides, where else can you see Doogie Howser (and Barney Stinson) dressed in Nazi regalia talking telepathically to giant insects?

18: Heroes. As close as we'll ever see to a straight up comic book on TV, without the spandex. It's too soon to say whether or not it will collapse under its own weight and mythic intentions, or if it will engender too much ill will from hewing too closely to previous comic iconography (cough*Watchmen*cough), but right now it's a thrilling and "page turning" must see every Monday.

17: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Yes, you can loosely classify this as "sci-fi" because of the premise, but at its heart it's a fascinating, moving and heartbreaking meditation on love and the questions all of us ponder in our minds and souls while trying (and ultimately failing) to make a connection. While I wouldn't put this on a classic, "critical" list of the top 10 movies ever made, it would certainly deserve consideration for inclusion on my "personal favorite" and "most thought provoking" lists. And what I wouldn't fucking pay to be able to use that technology for real.

15: Firefly/Serenity. If you're not already a "Browncoat," you should be. If you value characters, dialogue and entertainment at its best, you owe it to yourself to sit down and watch this killed before its time series (and follow up movie). I guarantee you'll watch the first couple of episodes and suddenly find yourself in a weekend DVD marathon, and then feel indescribably sad that there are no more stories being told in this beautiful, dramatic, funny and richly drawn 'verse. But forever grateful that we got what we did.

14: Children of Men. I recently saw this, and was astounded that it wasn't even nominated for Best Picture. Everything is perfectly realized and executed; the performances, the characters, the writing, the concept, the direction. Dark and hopeful at the same time, this is sci-fi storytelling at its best, and accessible enough for folks who don't want to see bumpy-headed aliens and spaceships.

13: The Terminator/Terminator 2. Sci-fi is one of those rare genres where going back to the well for a sequel or reconceptualization often produces superlative work (Wrath of Khan, Star Trek: TNG, Aliens, Empire Strikes Back, BSG) and T2 is no exception. Strangely, there's one moment that has always bugged me about the amped up sequel, and it has nothing to do with time loop causality, paradoxes or the "rules" of the "mimetic alloy." When the T-1000 (one of the best villains ever created) corners Sarah Conner at the climax in the factory, and pierces her shoulder and needs her to "call out" to her son John in order to lure him closer -- why does it do this? After all, it has been well demonstrated that it can take any form and mimic any voice. Why not kill her there, assume her voice and identity, and lure John that way? Does this bug anyone else?

11: Lost. While I passionately love this show, I question whether or not it belongs on a list of "sci-fi." If you do, how far do you open up the definition? Still, this is breathtaking storytelling which doesn't diminish -- and in fact, greatly enhances -- characterization.

10: The Thing. If Kurt Russell wasn't already a geek god for his portrayals of Jack Burton and Snake Plissken, then R.J. MacReady would have put him on the throne anyway. Cutting edge effects for the time and unrelenting tension in a setting of absolute isolation made this sci-fi horror at its best. I defy anyone to relax (or hell, breathe) during the petrie dish testing scene.

9: Aliens. There was no way to improve on the "haunted house" perfection of the original Alien, so James Cameron didn't even try. Instead, he wisely took the story in a completely different direction and produced one of the most quotable, thrilling, empowering yet still creepy epics ever to grace the screen. Of all the DVD movies in my collection, I may have watched this one the most. Not a false moment in two plus hours of thrills, chills and gasps.

8: Star Trek: The Next Generation. Despite an awkward and at times clunky first season, TNG quickly found its voice and continued the Trekkian legacy of compelling allegories and thought-provoking metaphors, told from a perspective that was as hopeful as it was "human," and anchored by the stellar work of Patrick Stewart. "The Best of Both Worlds" was the best season ending cliffhanger in television history (and this geek was actually around to wonder who shot JR, too).

5: Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. Delivers on every aspect of the original Trek that the moody and slower first big screen adventure just missed. Kirk and Khan's game of "Ahab" is a thing to behold, and it's a wonder there was a set left in which to film, given all the scenery being (delightfully and entertainingly) chewed. Also, one of the few times I can recall my father and I weeping openly during the same movie (geeks know when), while my mom rolled her eyes, but secretly choked up a little too.

4: The X-Files. I love this show (hell, one of my cats is named "Mulder") and frequently find myself rewatching episodes. Though the whole "mythology" never quite paid off as coherently as fans hoped, the classic "funny," "drama" and "horror" standalone episodes (like "Bad Blood," "Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose" and "Home" respectively, for example) still rank as some of the best single hours of television ever produced.

3: Blade Runner. A perfectly realized vision of a dystopian future that set the standard for sci-fi on screen, and like many, based on a work by Phillip K. Dick. Unjustly ignored upon its release and now considered a classic, it poses the ultimate question of what exactly does it mean to be "human?" And a movie that still leaves fans with the nagging question: Rick Deckard, yes or no?

2: Battlestar Galactica (new). Quite simply, the BEST SHOW ON TELEVISION. A fascinating, dark and morally complex tale that draws deep, grey and rich characters and tells stories that always keep you coming back for more. If you're not watching this, you're missing television history.

1: The Matrix. Another movie, that if DVDs actually showed wear and tear, would be in tatters. The number of times I've seen this borders on the embarrassing, yet each and every time I find it breathtaking and addictive. A perfect blend of superhero action, Gibsonian cyberpunk, epic storytelling, unrelenting violence, iconic imagery and cutting edge film making techniques.

As I said, I didn't have many arguments with their list. However, there are two titles I would add:

Stargate SG-1. Yep, the movie, despite the presence of Kurt Russell and James Spader, was pretty bad. And for the longest time, I avoided the series, thinking it was just a hokey action adventure show. But I started catching repeats on Skiffy, and found myself drawn to it at first for tight plots and interesting explorations of earth mythology (actually created long ago by visiting aliens). But the heart of the show has always been about the "teamy goodness" of the central characters, and the humanistic and passionate attributes they bring to their weekly exploits. At the end of the day, you continue to watch because you care about these folks as well defined and well acted characters, and even though SG-1 will soon end after establishing itself as the longest running sci-fi series ever, I'll miss them.

Farscape. On its surface, the concept is ludicrous. A modern day astronaut gets sent through a wormhole into a distant universe populated by bizarre aliens (typically realized by Henson Company puppets and extravagant make up) and borderline fascist humanoids called "Peacekeepers." But the show, which was canceled way before its time, was unbelievably nimble in its storytelling, psychotically bouncing through long story arcs with heartbreaking drama, laugh out loud wit, pop-culture references galore, edge of your seat action, sheer popcorn entertainment, darkly fascinating characters, and the most compelling love story I've ever seen on TV. Yes, that last part is true. If you don't care about the romance and relationship travails of John Crichton and Aeryn Sun, then you just don't have a soul or a heart. The spectacle of the show was always there, but as with all great stories in any genre, it's the characters that keep you coming back for more.

From the personal file: a bizarre dream

On the counter in my kitchen, I have a retro-looking, shiny toaster. Which I've personally used, uh, never. Beside it is the knife block, where I keep all my exquisite culinary instruments. Which I use, basically, to cut lemons and limes for drinks, sadly. (Or, would be handy if I happen to be in the kitchen when some dude breaks into my house wearing a black robe and a mask inspired by Edvard Munch).

Anyway, I had this ultra-realistic dream last night where I wander downstairs to grab a bottled water, and hear a muffled voice talking to me. I flip on a lamp, only to find that my shiny toaster is talking to me. The words are coming out of the slots on top, which are moving like lips. The toaster is suggesting that I grab one of the knives from the block. Because I always follow the advice of anthropomorphic household appliances, I pull the knife and out wander into the living room, where I find my two cats sitting on the top of an armchair looking at me like I'm crazy. Then I wake up. (And by the term "ultra-realistic," I meant that the dream seemed very real as I was dreaming it. Not that I find talking toasters to be realistic. But people have organized large scale economic and religious ponzi schemes around far less believable things, mind you).

After I woke up, I was still craving that bottled water, so I went downstairs and got one, and actually stared at my toaster for a while. Not surprisingly, no conversation ensued.

So have I been watching too much Battlestar Galactica? Was I coerced by toast as a child? Have I finally gone over the fucking edge? Did I have one whiskey too many last night? Am I a lunatic for actually sharing this on a blog? Uh, I'm not sure of the answers to any of those questions. If my toaster tells me tonight, I'll let you know.

Making it rain

Whereby we throw up a bunch of $1 entertainment nuggets onto the stage and see which STDs take them home.

Speaking of STDs, could there be any better news this morning than this? Go Fug Yourself has a funny take on Paris's impending incarceration. Sometimes, it really does appear that Karma works when wonky-eyed manholes get taken down a notch. One down, one to go.

So Lost is (maybe) ending in two years? On one hand, I like that there's a plan in place for an endgame and completion to the story (a la BSG). While the show started slowly in the "pod" of 6 episodes earlier this year, the back end of the season (with the exception of the Jack's tattoos ep) has been superlative. On the other, I hate to see quality scripted television go away for any reason, and probably be replaced by a cheaper alternative like "Macrame with the C-List Stars!" It will be interesting to see how this unfolds.

I thought Thursday's My Name is Earl was typically funny and sweet, though I didn't realize it contained an homage to Rudy. (Oddly, I've seen just about every sports movie under the sun, but somehow missed Rudy). I didn't do the "laugh and sniff" audience participation part of the show, but it was nice to see Billy Gardell, who I've missed since the wonderful Lucky was cancelled before its time.

How great was Shark's season finale? Sebastian's nemesis Wayne Collison returned, only to get put away at the end for a crime he didn't commit. That Shark executed an intricate plan to frame him was spectacular and completely out of left field. And I love that the character of Shark has kept his dark side, working outside the law to get what he knows is justice. More morally ambiguous characterization, a la Dexter. And it appears my worries about DA 7 of 9 going away were unfounded, if Jessica takes Shark's offer to work for him. Personally, I think this will add the drama and conflict within the show, now the roles have been reversed. Whodat: Frequent Guest Star Tracy Middendorf (24, Alias, House, X-Files, one of the three Ziyals on DS9) was Wendy, Wayne's supposed girlfriend. I'll always remember her from the pilot of Angel.

Although I'm sticking to my vow to be spoiler free, I actually read about this potential keffuffle before getting on the wagon. (Don't click the link or swipe the following text if you don't want possible CSI spoilers): Personally, I could care less if Jorja Fox leaves CSI. I've never really cared for the character of Sara (or thought the actress was all that talented or hot), and this will make the second time Fox thinks she's bigger than the rest of the cast and pulls a prima-donna stunt to haggle over salary. I say kill her off and hook Gil up with Lady Heather.

Sports Shorts

Ryan Langerhans' stay in Oakland was a short, and unbelievably unproductive, one. He hit .000 in two games, and last night, dropped a fly ball in center field leading to a run. Ouch. (I recall drunkenly mocking him with two of my buddies during spring training a few years ago. Of course, I almost got run over by a taxi during that same trip). Not that we're missing him, though.

And has anyone heard anything from Willy Aybar?

Rich Eisen apparently doesn't need to resort to "you're with me, Leather" to get some play. Wow. Perhaps I should have done more with my journalism degree.

Just when you thought you already had enough reasons to hate Stuart Scott, he ups the ante. You've got to be kidding me. I'm sure the Rutgers basketball team would rather be paralyzed versus insulted, right?

How are my baseball predictions looking? Part 1 here, and Part 2 here.
National League: all my division winners are in first place (even the Brewers!). I had the Phils for the WC, and they're playing better of late, but right now, it would be the Mets.
American League: Angels and Red Sox are in first, but the Tigers trail the Tribe by a game and a half. My WC pick, the Yankees, are imploding. Right now, the Tigers hold the WC spot.
NL Individual Awards: Eeek. None of my picks are looking particularly good right now.
AL Individual Awards: Not quite as shaky. All three, especially Vlad, still seem like solid choices.

How long before there's a reality show on Spike TV called "Ron Mexico's Kennel," featuring Lassie, Benji, Rin Tin Tin, Beethoven, Eddie from Frasier and a Korean chef?

After years disappointing UGA fans during the draft (Hines Ward? Reggie Brown? Among many others) , it appears the Falcons are wising up, and at least throwing a bone to the Bulldog faithful (in addition to getting quality players).

Speaking of Bulldogs, sad story about Terreal Bierria here.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who was bothered by this. At least they weren't wearing the sub-XFL unis from Any Given Sunday. And if betting on JP Losman doesn't indicate that Tony has a gambling problem, I don't know what does.

Sawyer strangles Chris Richardson because he was a grey alien who fell from the sky

That headline is kind of a "mash up" of Wednesday night TV viewing. Perhaps I could have come up with a less clunky headline using the "mash up" software (Ableton Live) pimped by Blake Lewis on Idol last night. And I thought he just came up with these beatboxed versions while having a seizure.

American Idol
Chris? Bye. Not sorry to see you go, Timberfake. Perhaps a nice career endorsing Afrin awaits. Phil? I can understand that Phil left, and it's probably for the best. Gaining even more notoriety would mean he might have to appear during the daylight, which we all know is anethma for those afflicted with vampirism. I thought Phil improved solidly since I started watching (I only tune in at the "top 12" stage) and that Lakisha would have been a much better choice to beat it. But hopefully, we'll get rid of her next week, and the world will be as it should for the final 3. And since I never watched all the early crap, packed with backstories and personal life nonsense, I missed out on Phil's unctuous affection for his kid. As TNRLMs readers know, that's not my cup of tea. If I had been subjected to that more during the top 12, I probably wouldn't have appreciated Phil's performances as much.

Other moments of interest:

• I'm starting to appreciate Seacrest more. His Johnny Carson-esque deadpan eyeroll about the lack of "filler" in the show was well done.
• It was also nice to have him sit Jordin down quickly, after last week's two hour torture.
• Bon Jovi's new song was kinda lame. THAT's the song they want to showcase to 30 million people?
• Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son. Alan was the dad on Growing Pains and had an awful late night talk show, when they were giving them out to everyone (Chevy Chase? Magic Johnson?). Robin's mom is Gloria Loring, who composed and sang the theme song to The Facts of Life and played Liz on Days of Our Lives. That's all I can say about Robin's performance, which I fast-forwarded through after hearing about 10 seconds.
• Worries about the "weighting" of votes appear to be unfounded. After 70 million or so on the telethon, it appeared that Tuesday's votes would not have as much impact statistically, somewhat skewing the results. However, Seacrest said they had 135 million total for the two week period, so that seems fair.
• Are those "Idol Challenge" questions for the developmentally disabled?

Next week: "Boogie" music with Barry Gibb? Good lord, I have an unhealthy appreciation for disco. Bring it on.

Bones
Definitely one of the better outings for Bones last night. The only thing missing was a reference to David Bowie's "Man Who Fell to Earth." I think this is one of my favorite procedurals because I simply love all the characters, particularly conspiracy nut Hodgins. His whole "that we know of" bit was priceless, as were several other of his lines:

"Aliens don't wear loafers, people."
"This is harassment. It is illegal to mock people for their fundamental beliefs."
"They are gray, not green. Being that you are half alien yourself, you should know that."

Although, I felt awfully sorry for his proposal to Angela getting shot down again. My kneejerk reaction to this is that Ang is being such a bitch. Why put him through all the machinations? However, after further contemplation, I think she really does love him, and there's some secret she's hiding from Hodgins and us. Maybe she had a secret kid she's trying to figure out how tell him about? (God, I hope not. Please keep my shows as kid-free as possible). Perhaps she had some quickie Vegas marriage long ago to a boyfriend that she never got around to divorcing? I think there's more here than meets the eye.

Other good lines:
"You mean like a death ray, or a space baby?"
"I guess to me right now it looks to me like marriage is having someone that will slap your enemies and then toss their dead bodies out of airplanes."
Plus, there was Zack's expertise on the nature and efficacy of lightsabers. Hee.

Also, Whodats: Agent Pierce! Everyone's favorite Secret Service agent from 24, Glenn Morshower, showed up as one of the former astronauts. (and whatever happened with him and Martha Logan after she stabbed her weaselly ex with a fruit knife? Huh?) And the bitchy space program director was played by Andrea Thompson, best known for NYPD Blue, who also tried to be a CNN Anchor a few years ago.

Lost
Wow. The back part of this season just rocks. Even though I'm going spoiler free, I had deduced that Locke's dad/the "real" Sawyer would meet an untimely end here. Sawyer choking the bastard out with pirate ship chains was fantastic, and former UGA attendee Josh Holloway was mesmerizing throughout. Terry O'Quinn was spectacular as usual. Other notes:

• What is Rousseau going to do with that dynamite? I think we haven't seen the last of it. And how awesome was the whole non-chalance of that scene with Locke and Rosseau?
• Did Locke's presence help Ben heal more quickly? And vice-versa? Or is it just the island in general?
• Remind me never to trust Kate with a secret. What the fuck? Why did she run immediately to tattle to Jack? And did Sayid know she was going to do this when he "trusted" her?
• I can't wait to see the beach confrontation when Sawyer returns with the tape recorder.
• What is the secret "we should tell her" that Jack and Juliet are keeping? Is Juliet a double-agent mole, who is actually working against Ben? And Jack knows this?
• Was Sayid digging something specific when Hurley came up to him?
• Is Richard Alpert sowing seeds of dissent within the Others camp?
• Does the big column that Locke's dad was chained to have anything to do with the four toed statue?
• Glad to see that Sawyer is still pissed about the "bunny trick."

Welcome back, V!

After weeks of broadcasting single moms whoring up it (no thanks, CW. Had enough of that last year), the last place network finally returns quality to the tube with Veronica Mars. Though the plot and themes were a little heavy handed (not all Middle Eastern restaurateurs are terrorists! Underage drinking is bad!), Veronica is consistently one of the most quote-worthy shows this side of House.

First up, some Whodats?

Anthony Azizi, who played the dad/proprietor of Babylon Gardens, has played potential terrorists on two separate days of 24. He was also the history teacher Bree's daughter was banging on Desperate Housewives.

Jack McGee was the bar owner who bought enough raffle tickets to keep Sheriff Lamb off his case (RIP, Lamb). He's best known recently as the Chief on Rescue Me. (And did anyone catch the name of the police department softball team in that photo? "Excessive Force." Hee).

Finally, the graffiti victim who hired V, Carole (Raphaelle) Davis I instantly recognized from the final season Angel episode, "The Girl in Question." She played the head of Wolfram and Hart's Rome branch, with a notorious dislike for gypsies. ("Dirty tricks for dirty people. Like gypsies. (spit!) We will speak of them no more!")

As for the mysteries on this Very Special Episode (cue starburst and "more you know" rainbow), they were decent enough. Basically, the terrorism graffiti was not done by typical redneck bigots, but by the bigoted and undocumented cook who had a hankering for the owner's daughter (who loved a jewish boy! Montagues and Capulets, y'all!). Also, there was underage drinking going on near a college campus (Shock!). Keith writes some citations, and fires most of the deputies when they choose to let boys be boys and get their drink on with fake IDs.

On the interpersonal front, Logan seems to really like Parker and throws her a birthday party. Logan is much, much funnier when he's bitter or organizing bumfights. Parker is still annoying. Adorable Mac is still dating the animal rights nutbag, but gets cozy on the couch (the "social foxhole") with Max, who had his heart broken by a hooker. Dick goes to myspace to find dates (note the plural) for the party, "both eager to meet the Dickster." Even though he quotes The Big Lebowski ("the dude abides"), the gals team up to lock him in the ice machine alcove and ruin his dreams of a threesome. Finally, Wallace scolds V for leading poor Piz on and after she tells him the dreaded "I'm confused, and let's be friends." He finally mans up, plants one on her and makes a dramatic exit. Only to be stopped by the elevator. V catches him, and it would appear that "Pizonica" is on. Except for the fact that VM hasn't yet gotten a fourth season pick up, and even if it does, Chris Lowell is heading over to Grey's Anatomy 2.0: Whining, Betraying and Fucking in a Fertility Clinic.

But despite the civics lesson, the episode brought the quotage:

"He hates hate crimes."
"Keep up, Towelie."
A fantastic Pulp Fiction riff, featuring "say what again" and "check out the big brain on Brett!"
Mac and Logan taking an amusing stroll down teen movie plots.
"It's like I'm dating a young Omar Sharif. Desert Fever."
Fun with bad fake IDs: "This picture is Jon Bon Jovi." "Biggie Smalls? We don't really all look alike, Mr. Mars."

Good luck in the ratings, Veronica!

"I've never listened to his music, but I seen him on Oprah"

Well, if that doesn't sum up the musical legacy of Bon Jovi, I'm not sure what does. (Thanks for the headline, Lakisha). Last night's Idol was "rock night" with Jon Bon Jovi and his keyboard player. Where was erstwhile guitarist Richie Sambora? Probably somewhere discussing nuclear physics with homewrecker Denise Richards. (Though I can't bag too much on Denise Richards. After all, she did give us "Wild Things" with Neve Campbell, particularly a scene that worked out the rewind, pause and slow mo buttons).

Congrats, America! After Idol's "telethon" last week, you completely wiped out poverty, disease and starvation. Now we can get back to more pressing matters, like televised karaoke.

Interesting note: last week there were a lot more votes than usual, because people care, y'all. And since last week's vote totals will be added to this week's, and two will go home, it would seem that good and bad performances from last week would count "more" towards staying or going than this week's. Probably good news for Jordin, bad news for Lakisha.

JBJ's top of the show advice was unique: "make it your own," said the star of Moonlight and Valentino, and Vampires: Los Muertos. Unbelievably, one of the Idols took that straight to heart.

Phil starts us off with "Blaze of Glory," a song from a movie where Kiefer Sutherland killed people much less efficiently than he does these days. JBJ said he had a "big voice for a big song." I don't know what it is with Phil. I seem to like him much more than most Idol pundits, and certainly more than Simon (with whom I usually agree). Maybe it's because I'm a fan of Buffy, Angel and other vampire lore, so I'm not disturbed by his Nosferatu appearance. Phil rocks the song out, hits the big notes and is really good.

One of my frontrunners (along with Melinda), Jordin, takes on stadium rock staple "Livin' on a Prayer." Not sure I buy Jordin's knowledge of "Tommy and Gina" and their union travails working on the dock. Not sure I buy her version of this song, either. Actually, it's a big hot mess. Jordin, who has been pretty unflappable crossing different genres, shits the bed here. Her vocals seem underpowered and the song just swallows her whole. I like her hair, though.

Lakisha finds a Bon Jovi song that isn't necessarily a "rocker," the soul-tinged "This Ain't a Love Song," and belts it out (she probably looked to see if Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard or any other Idols had recorded a Bon Jovi tune, but came up empty). She even appeared less than ornery in her moments with Seacrest before the shrieking begins. Sorry, I'm just not a Lakisha fan, and even though the judges fall all over themselves to praise her for this, it really did nothing for me. I start eagerly anticipating the return of Veronica Mars at this point. Lakisha, blessed with a big, bold voice, sings every song with the subtlety of a William Shatner Shakespeare festival and the personality of Sean Penn at a paparazzi convention. She's better this week than in previous weeks, but I don't know if that is gonna help her (I can only hope).

Every week Blake comes on, I dread the return of the goofy beatboxing. Spitting and trying to imitate Michael Winslow in the Police Academy movies isn't necessarily my idea of music. But you know what? Holy shit. Blake gives beatboxing a good name. Blake takes the anthemic "You Give Love a Bad Name" and really, truly "makes it his own." I don't think I've ever in all my Idol watching time, seen someone take a song and rework it so completely and do something so original with it. And it's not like "Bad Name" is something by Sinatra or The Beatles, so sacred and perfect as is that it shouldn't be tampered with. Against all better judgment and previous conceptions, I absolutely love this. He also manages to work in some straightforward "singing" through the middle of the song, to throw us non-beatboxers a bone and show us that he can carry a tune as well. I rewound it three times to watch it again. I'm astonished that I found this adventurous and bizarre take so compelling. Bravo, Blake. Bravo.

Chris Richardson comes out with "Wanted Dead or Alive." I watched Chris Daughtry. I listened to Chris Daughtry. And Chris Richardson, you're no Chris Daughtry. While Chris Richardson is not quite as nasal as usual (though he still tries to rock through his nose somewhat), this is about as "rock" as Vanilla Ice is "rap."

Melinda, who is nervous about performing a rock song, completely charms JBJ, who tells her to take "Have a Nice Day" to "church." In about 3 seconds flat, Melinda completely dismisses any concerns we might have had about her taking on a rock song. She growls, belts and sings her way through the the newer Bon Jovi song, and even has fun with it. She cozies up to the guitarist, hits every single note (as usual), and fiercely prowls the stage like Tina Turner with shorter legs and no neck. Outstanding (as usual).

Wow, Top 2 is tough to judge. It's definitely a choice between Melinda's and Phil's straightforward rock versions, and Blake's just beamed in from Alpha Centauri version. As much as I'm a (lonely) fan of Phil, I'll go with:

TNRLM's Top 2: Melinda, Blake
TNRLM's Bottom 2: Jordin, Chris

That's just for this week, of course. Cumulatively, I'd say the bottom 2 should be Lakisha and Chris, and if all is right with the world, that's who should be going home tonight (though I'm betting the teenyboppers who like ersatz Timberlake will keep nasal boy, and send Phil and Lakisha home).

Oh, and George W. Bush? Your thank you to America (and Bono!) for our charity was a little pitchy there, dawg. Laura had some yo factor, but in the end, you brought it home and made it your own.

On The Wagon

No, not what you think. I've made a decision. For May sweeps, I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm giving up SPOILERS.

For as long as I've watched television and been connected to the interwebs, I've been a spoiler whore. (thankfully, that's the kind of whore rep you can magically shake). I can't tell you how many things I found out ahead of time. Buffy would die saving Dawn. Wes would die and Angel would fight a dragon. Darla would return from the dead. President Palmer would be shot. Michael would kill Ana-Lucia and Libby. The Ice Truck Killer would be Dexter's brother. Rose would leave The Doctor. President Petrelli in the future would really be Sylar. Johnny Gavin would get shot. Boomer would shoot Adama. Starbuck would return.

It's virtually impossible to keep spoilers off the net. How The Sopranos does it is simply amazing. (And how tense was that scene on the boat with Tony and Paulie, not knowing what would happen?) I've always told myself that even if I know what's coming, it doesn't diminish my enjoyment of the story because I still get to see HOW the surprise unfolds. And many times, I have a good idea of what's coming anyway, just because I've watched so much television and rarely are writers subtle about foreshadowing their "surprises." (in fact, one of the last times I can remember being truly, truly surprised was when Nina Myers killed Terri Bauer at the end of Season 1 of 24).

But I'm going to conduct an experiment for the last month of the 2007 TV season and go completely spoiler free. The only advance notice I'll expose myself to on upcoming shows will be the blurbs in the daily paper and the episode descriptions on the "to do list" for Tivo.

Occasionally, if I have a theory, I'll post it under the "speculation" tag, but I'm going to go cold turkey and see if the producers of some of my favorite shows can surprise me. This should be particularly interesting, given that Heroes and Lost, among other shows, seem primed to deliver some major shockers before the month is out.

Failure to launch

Good article over on the always entertaining Onion AV Club about "failed attempts to start a franchise."

Some comments:

Buckaroo Banzai. I love this movie and even have it on DVD. It falls in with Big Trouble in Little China as a bizarro, comedic fusion of genres that is endlessly entertaining. There's much to love here, including the first time I remember the use of the phrase "no matter where you go, there you are," and the non-sequiter about the oddly placed watermelon. Peter Weller makes for a great lead as the rock star/neurosurgeon/presidential adviser/crime fighter of the title, and it's too bad the rights have been tied up in messy litigation, as this would make a spectacularly enjoyable cult television series.

The Rocketeer. Great pulp fun, and a throwback to the serials of yore.

Daredevil. I agree that Affleck wasn't a bad choice, and in the hands of another writer/director, it might not have been such a mess.

Dick Tracy. Beautifully done production values, mining the comic palette for a unique visual look, and a great score and music. Also, Madonna's high point as a actress.

Wing Commander. I'm embarrassed to say I actually watched this on HBO. Simply awful, but I tuned in for the always sexy Saffron Burrows.

The Phantom and The Shadow. Two movies that deserved a wider audience than they got. I love the pulp origins of both franchises, and both movies were respectfully handled and entertaining. The Phantom was the first time I saw Catherine Zeta Jones and went "wow! Who the hell is that?" and Alec Baldwin was a great choice as The Shadow. (And Johnathon Winters as the police chief? How cool is that?) Interesting tidbit: Sam Raimi loved The Shadow and tried diligently to get the rights. However, they turned the movie over to Russell Mulcahey (best known for directing Duran Duran videos) and Sam made do with his own creation, Darkman. Creating the ambiance and mood of a 30s/40s setting is probably difficult and cost-prohibitive, but I would love to see The Shadow as a regular TV show. Another similar property that I loved as a kid that would lend itself to a miniseries/TV show revival is Doc Savage.

Wild, Wild West. Another "wink/wink" high concept that should have been better executed. I'm a fan of Will Smith's talent, but he totally smugged and phoned his way through this one (probably understandable, given the mess of the plot and direction). And what was with the all the racist bullshit given to Dr. Loveless? A complete and total misfire. If you've ever watched An Evening with Kevin Smith, then you know about producer Jon Peters' fascination with "giant spiders" (he wanted to have Superman fight one. Smith's telling of this story is a classic) and he finally got his wish here. Not that it helped.