I think I'm over it

You may have noticed that I didn't do a recap / evaluation of the last couple of Idol episodes like I usually do. Yes, real life has been intruding a bit, and yes, the Tuesday TV pile up has been punishing. But you know what? I think I'm just "over" the show.

It's hard to pinpoint a single reason. The contestants have been underwhelming. (The only ones I've looked forward to are Bowersox, Lee and Siobahn, and even Siobahn has struggled the last few weeks, all while continuing to do tragic things to her normally adorable hair on performance nights). Seacrest seems to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and his only discernible skill - moving the show along with affability and bland competence -- is nowhere to be found lately. (Taking shots at Dunkelman? Dude. That's like the Yankees complaining about the Pirates payroll). Four judges still take up too much time. Ellen is pleasant, and occasionally witty, but really adds nothing. Randy is useless as ever. Simon seems to have checked out. And Cthulu help me, Kara is the only one offering somewhat cogent advice. The song selections are uninspired. The theme nights are too broad (#1 hits from anytime? Really?) or too familiar. The direction and pacing of the show is as incomprehensibly incompetent as usual.

Plus, with the self-indulgently saccharine "Gives Back" special coming up, coupled with a dreary "songs of inspiration" theme on the horizon, now is as good a time as any for me to stop caring.

I've long been on a jihad against "reality" programming, making only the occasional exception (for Idol, obviously, but also for shows like Mythbusters and Sci-Fi Science. Do those latter two really count as "reality?"). While Idol is still light years above intelligence-insulting shitstains like anything involving a Kardashian, a "Housewife" or a "Guido," I think I'm finally at a point where I can let my active interest disengage, and just check in occasionally (providing my three favorites continue on the show).

Anyone else losing interest?

Idol Top 10: Surprisingly Old School

Here we are with R&B music night on American Idol. In addition to the increasingly flat competition headlined by Crystal, Siobahn (…and the rest), the theme doesn’t exactly fill me with excitement. I think I lost interest in R&B when James Brown got in a drunken car wreck for the 12th time. I’m kidding, kinda, as I do recall the 80s and 90s era of the Quincy Joneses and Anita Bakers and the like, but when every R&B song started to have a “featuring” credit, or tell a multi-part story about a closet, I just wasn’t as interested as I once was.

I wonder if I’ll know any of these songs, since most of the contestants were born after the era(s) I mentioned above?

How on earth are we spending two fucking hours with this show now that we’re in the top 10, when they each perform only one song? Didn’t they use to cram this into one hour, or at least an hour and a half up until the last couple of years? So much filler, and so incompetently directed and produced. Usher is the guest mentor tonight. I think I might recognize a few of his tunes. Has he been involved in 27 sex scandals, or is he a relatively good guy? He’s shown in clips wearing a Braves hat (your 2010 National League East Champs!), so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

Fuck, Seacrest’s hair annoys me. I hate that “gel it up in front” look. I hated it on Angel, one of my favorite shows of all time. Quoth William the Bloody:

Spike: [as Angel] No, helping those in need's my job, and workin' up a load of sexual tension and prancing away like a magnificent poof is truly thanks enough.
Spike: [as Rachel] I understand. I have a nephew who's gay, so...
[gasps]
Spike: [as Angel] Say no more. Evil's still afoot. And I'm almost out of that nancy-boy hair-gel I like so much. Quickly, to the Angel-mobile, away.

Wow. Someone’s cranky tonight. Okay, here we go.

Siobahn
“Through The Fire”
Speaking of hair, I love her big glasses and loose, tousled hair in the interview packages. Why does she have to pile it up every week so it looks like those ribs they put on the side of Fred’s car during the opening of The Flintstones? The first part of her performance was unusually restrained, if off key in a couple of places. Then she gets to hit her big screamy notes in the middle, which were powerful. She finished better than she started, but I’m not sure that was a song or style particularly suited for her. 6

Quick aside: Is it just me, or is Kara giving particularly cogent and spot on criticism this year?

Casey
“Hold On, I’m Coming”
Hey, a song I love! And a great choice for Casey, that should suit his scratchy, bar band sound. Well, that was a fantastic marriage of contestant and material. He smoked that one, and gave what was one of my favorite performances of the year. I agree with Simon here, and that was a home run. 8

Mike
“Ready for Love”
When I heard the title, a part of me was hoping it was the Bad Company song. (Speaking of which, why don’t more artists choose one of their songs? Paul Rogers has one of the best voices ever, and their songs are known, but not played to death. Wouldn’t it be cool to hear someone bust out “Bad Company” or “Silver, Blue and Gold?”) Despite the fact that Mike didn’t take me back to the 70s, this was a soulful and powerful performance. R&B balladry is right in his wheelhouse, and he delivered. 8

DiDi
“What Becomes of the Broken Hearted”
Thus far, I’ve seemed to like DiDi more than a lot of folks. Some have compared her to Brooke or the wacky “caw, caw” girl, but for some reason, DiDi’s quirky style has set itself apart for me. I think her performances feel more at home in the earthy, singer-songwriter or rat-packish torch song vein, but she didn’t do too bad with this one. She wasn’t bad, per se, but there wasn’t a vocal connection to a song she seemed emotional about performing. 6

I don’t know if it’s just the power of Bradley Whitford’s mustache, or the judicious use of “Slow Ride,” but I think I might tune in to The Good Guys.

Tim
“Sweet Love”
Holy shit. I wrote my opening graff before the show started, and I didn’t really think anyone would actually perform Anita Baker. Too bad it’s gonna be the fucking living emo wig, Tim. Sigh. If vanilla extract could sing, it would have probably sounded like that. Randy says “singing waiter.” I think I agree with the Dawg, dude. That was pretty awful. All the judges, in fact, echo my sentiments. 2

Damn, I can’t wait until we get a new Fringe on Thursday.

Andrew
“Forever”
Is this that song from the crazy youtube wedding videos? I appreciate taking a chance with the song, and giving it a different arrangement and spin, but that was not very compelling. His voice got in one place, with one energy, and never really left it, and it flattened out the song. The judges love it. Snoozy for me. And we’re wasting time so his mommy can chastise Simon? Kill me now. 4

Katie
“Chain of Fools”
I’m happy with another “classic” song choice. Katie looked great, and hit most of the notes, but she didn’t quite have the edge in her voice this one needed. Still, she acquitted herself well for a BIG song by a BIG singer, even if it was a little, mature for her. 6

Lee
“Treat Her Like a Lady”
Wow. Another respectable song choice. And Wow, a great performance. He gave this R&B classic a palpable, granular intensity that really suited his voice. Just different enough to make it his own, just recognizable to connect, and hands down the best of the night so far. Lee Was On Fi-Yah. 9

I’m having a hard time with these Knight and Day commercials. Cruise and Diaz grate beyond belief, but I gotta say, this flick looks like it might be pretty damned entertaining.

Crystal
“Midnight Train to Georgia”
ANOTHER classic choice. And a song about The Motherland. And a GREAT song, to boot. Crystal puts down the gee-tar and gives us a little Gladys. The first part was soulful, restrained and all her own, without a hint of karaoke or Xerox. I wasn’t crazy about her falsetto note, but other than that, she was pretty damned terrific. Again. 8

Aaron
“Ain’t No Sunshine”
I guess my fears about a dearth of classic R&B songs being performed were unfounded, as Aaron chooses a stone cold classic, and one of my favorites. What the fuck is up with his hair? Is that a fin, like on the Creature From the Black Lagoon? His vocals were definitely better than last week, and fairly clean, but there was just no gravitas, no feeling and no heartache in that performance. Is that expecting too much from a chipmunky teenager? Probably. That was like a leftover cookie; not nearly as good as fresh from the oven, and full of empty calories, but not bad. 6



TNRLM Top 3: Lee, Casey, Crystal


TNRLM Bottom 3: Tim, Andrew, Siobahn

Idol Top 11: Chipmunk Strippers and Disappointing Choices

Evidently, the theme was going to be “teen hits,” which would fit with the appearance of the loathsome, hypocritical and barely talented Miley Cyrus as a guest “mentor.” (As I mentioned on twitter, what exactly is she going to “mentor” these folks in? How to be annoying? How to flip peace signs while looking like a brain damaged chipmunk? Pole dancing for tweens? Inspiring anyone over the age of 12 to punch you in the face? I actually thought it was admirable of her to defend her “controversial” Annie Leibovitz photos for Vanity Fair. However, once there was a PR kerfuffle, she backtracked, said she was embarrassed, claimed she was taken advantage of, and threw out some hollow biblical protestations. And then put on jorts suitable for a gynecological exam, climbed back up on the stripper pole, and sang about partying for 10 year olds and pervy old men with their houses raised on cinder blocks who keep a box of Kleenex beside them when they watch the Disney Channel.

But thank Cthulu for DVR delay and the FF button, so I won’t have to suffer through any more of her nonsense than required. The theme has been changed to the oh-so narrow “Billboard #1 Hits.” The picks should be interesting, and telling.

On with the show!

Lee
“The Letter”
This is one of my favorite songs. Originally done by the Box Tops, and torn apart and seared into our consciousness by Joe Cocker. Lee has the three-pack-a-day scratchiness in his voice like Cocker, but wisely he changes up his phrasing to not sound like a carbon copy, where he would no doubt pale in comparison. His vocals are soulful, energetic and fun. Great way to open the show. 7

Paige
“Against All Odds”
Paige was under the weather last week, but seems, in her interview, to be feeling better today. I’m disappointed in the choice, as this is one of those songs that has been flogged to death on Idol. The beginning is horrific – breathy, out of tune and all over the place. She actually sounds worse now than last week when she was laryngitic. She manages to hit a note or two before a complete wipe out at the finish. Awful. One of the worst performances I’ve ever seen on the show. 1

Tim
“Crazy Little Things Called Love”
The stripper chipmunk doesn’t think he’s boring, so he’s got that going for him. Which is nice. Fortunately for America, she doesn’t think for us, since yes indeedy, Tim IS boring. Despite the fact that his hair carries a microphone into the audience, he never connects with the song, and his vocals are really flat. “Have some fun with it” is now the new “I sucked, but I’m not gonna get defensive and argumentative with the judges.” It wasn’t abysmal like the previous performance, just utterly lame and forgettable. 4

Aaron
“I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing”
From the interview package, it’s apparent Aaron wants to pull the denim spray paint off of Miley’s labia. However, since she’s still technically a Disney Tartlet (and he’s even younger than her, with overgelled hair), they’ll have to settle for fingerbanging in the back booth at a Chucky Cheese. Another terrible song choice. You have literally thousands of interesting songs to choose from, and you select a shitty Diane Warren ballad? Gah. This makes me want to see Ben Affleck walk animal crackers down Liv Tyler’s goody trail, and that’s not necessarily a good thing. An insipid, uninspiring performance, possibly affected by his health problems. 4

Crystal
“Me and Bobby McGee”
Is it fair to let Bowersox perform Joplin? Fantastic choice, perfectly suited to her voice and style. For a song so well known (and even expected), she added her own flourishes and nuances to it, starting it slowly and teasingly, before blowing doors at the end. Damn, that was good. A much needed pick me up after the crap of the last 40 minutes or so. This chick is a star. 9

Mike
“When a Man Loves a Woman”
A good choice for Big Mike, and he delivers a competent, personable performance. Did it knock my (Bower) socks off? No. Did he find something in his wheelhouse, and give it a fairly good go? Yes. Did it compare unfavorably to Michael Bolton’s cover (much less, Percy Sledge’s original)? Sadly, yeah. Not bad, but he needs to find something where he can fuse personality AND vocals. 6

Andrew
“Heard It Through the Grapevine”
During the “mentoring” session, Miley’s statutory lips of denim distracted him so much he forgot the lyrics to the song. And really, this song? Has anyone picked anything adventurous? As much as I love “Letter” and “Bobby McGee,” those aren’t exactly walking out on a ledge and trying something wild. And this isn’t a good selection for him. He’s flailing around on the stage, and his vocals are about as soulful as a pinochle game in Provo. Bad. 3

Katie
“Big Girls Don’t Cry”
Katie picks one of the few Fergie songs with actual singing, and none of that spoken rap, full of attitude bullshit. She shows some personality, but sadly, it takes a pretty bland performance to make me appreciate the depth and power of Fergie’s vocals. It’s not as bad as some of the wipeouts we’ve just seen, so in comparison, it seems rather pleasing, despite many sharp and just plain off key notes. 5.5

Casey
“The Power of Love”
Did he generate 1.21 gigawatts? Not quite, but that was a good choice for Casey, and he delivered the song with energy and enthusiasm, accented by some nice guitar playing. His vocals were right where the songs needs to be, and he didn’t overshoot. The judges were mixed on this, but I rather liked it. 7

DiDi
“You’re No Good”
Finally, an interesting song selection that doesn’t feel overdone. DiDi looks great, and gives the tune a little bit of a torch song sass. It’s a bit shaky in the beginning, but really picks up steam as she goes along. The judges don’t like it all, but I have to disagree. I thought it was fun, and brave of her to take it on in a way that was out of her comfort zone, but not an embarrassment. 7

Siobahn
“Superstition”
Hot off a showstopping performance last week, Siobahn gets the pimp slot tonight. Oh My Fucking God. What has she done to her hair? She looked 1000% better in her little package with the chipmunk, with the downdo and Harry Carey glasses. Despite the Eraserhead dress up, she puts down a fun and vocally proficient version of Stevie’s classic, though I gotta be honest, I was expecting a little more. She’s got a huge voice, and unless she really steps in it, she’s a lock to make through to the final 2 or 3. But this was kind of in the middle, without the soul and funk of the original, yet neither getting down to the bluesy grit of a Stevie Ray version. Still, a standout on a night of mostly uninspiring choices and performances. 7

TNRLM Top 3: Crystal, Siobahn, DiDi

TNRLM Bottom 3: Paige, Andrew, Tim

Idol Top 12: Can Get Some Satisfaction

Well, here we are with the Idol Top 12. It’s a Rolling Stones theme night. Will the performances make Keith Richards roll over in his grave? Wait, he’s not dead yet? Are we sure about that? Does he at least sleep in a grave?

On with the show!

First up is Michael, who gives an 80s R&B, Jeffrey Osborne feel to “Miss You.” It was an interesting, and not unpleasant, arrangement, and his vocals were fairly smooth. But I don’t think any Puerto Rican girls are gonna come around at 12 that are just dyin’ to meet him. 6

Next we have DiDi, who will perform “Play With Fire.” She delivers it with a slow, if somewhat melodramatic, urgency, and kept her vocals in control through most of it. I like the choice and the arrangement here, and she didn’t do anything to hurt her chances. 7

Casey is up third, with “All Over Now.” Is he the first guy to play slide guitar on Idol? That’s a nice surprise. It’s a pretty straightforward version of the tune, bluesy and country, and as far as former Idol contestants, he’s like the bastard love child of Bucky Covington and Bo Bice. Not adventurous, but enjoyable, with vocal a well suited to the material. 7.5

Here comes Lacey, performing “Ruby Tuesday.” The strings sound nice, but as far as versions of “Ruby Tuesday” go, I think the one with the big salad bar comes out looking better. Not a strong vocal. Obviously, I have nothing against a good twang, but hers was well pronounced here, and a talky delivery didn’t help. (“stillI’mgonnamissyou” sung/spoken like a drunken elf) And then she sat down for the bigger notes, which just didn’t hit. First big miss of the night. 4

Andrew will do one of my absolute favorite songs, “Gimme Shelter.” Maybe it’s just because I love this song so much, but that was pretty terrible. You can tell there’s a gravelly, bluesy voice in there somewhere, but Chtulu help me, I actually agree with Kara here. This was delivered with a minimum of passion and intensity, and this tune really needs it. Not good. 4

Katie has chosen “Wild Horses,” which I was kind of dreading as a selection, because it can fall into such listless cliché. It wasn’t a great vocal performance, but it wasn’t terrible either. A missed note here and there, and the melody kind of came apart at the end. Just “okay?” 5

Tim is doing “Under My Thumb.” He’s giving a calypso, busking vibe with a warbly vocal. Oh shit, do we have another Castro here, with only a slightly less annoying haircut? Tween girls will swoon, and I will slash my wrists. WIPEOUT. 2

Next is Siobahn, performing “Paint It Black.” Well, that was interesting. She gave the tune a dramatic spin (will this be known now as “Lambertesque?”), made the most fascinating arrangement choices thus far, and went to town, wailing on the close. Sure to be divisive, but my only complaint was that she wasn’t more aggressive in her phrasing in the middle of the song. 8

Lee will give us “Beast of Burden.” It’s a pleasantly low key performance, and winning compared with previous coffeehouse takes. Probably because the vocal is more heartfelt, if not 100% technically proficient. Not a showstopper, but charming. 6

Here comes Paige with “Honkey Tonk Women.” I don’t know if it’s just my local feed, but the band doesn’t come across very loud here, which sucks a bit of energy from the song. Despite that, Paige puts down a strong, smoky vocal. (which it turns out, was due to laryngitis). The choice and arrangement, from what I could hear, was pretty de rigueur. Not bad at all. 6

Aaron will do “Angie.” Another song, like “Wild Horses,” in the Stones catalog that I’m not crazy about. I was hoping for some more uptempo, provocative choices, but oh well. What the fuck is it with guys today and the little hair gel upsweep? That is so irritating. It’s like a giraffe bent down and licked their whole heads, and they said “this looks great!” That song is twice as old Aaron, but it was a smart choice for him. It was convincingly delivered, and right in the sweet spot for what seems like a narrow vocal range. 7

Finally, in the Pimp Spot, is the only contestant I’ve heard anything about prior to tonight, Crystal. She’ll be doing “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” Wow. I guess there’s a reason I knew something of her. She’s fucking terrific. Confident, personable, and vocally ahead of much of what I heard tonight. A great, bluesy and sassy performance. (and evidently, not one of her best?) I look forward to seeing more of her. 8

And week one is in the books. Honestly, given some of the buzz leading up to tonight, I was expecting much worse.

With regard to the cast and crew, was it just me or was Seacrest overly unctuous and flat tonight? Ellen was a pleasant surprise, funny, observant and to the point. Simon was his usual self, and the best part of the panel of course. Kara actually made sense (color me shocked, too), and Randy was as always, an extra appendage, but not quite so molten hot dawgie incomprehensible as last year.


TNRLM Top 3: Crystal, Siobahn, Casey

TNRLM Bottom 3: Lacey, Tim, Andrew

Idol Thoughts

As regular readers know, American Idol is the only "reality" show I watch (unless you count Mythbusters or Sci-Fi Science as "reality," which I don't, since "reality" is nowadays used in quotes, which means that it actually has little relation to things rooted in reality, because "reality" shows are just basic narratives comprised of untalented famewhores being craftily edited into something resembling a marginal at best story, and the latter two shows I mentioned shockingly feature people with brains and discernible skills doing something interesting and thought-provoking). Originally, I started watching because my regular Wednesday night trivia friends loved the show, and by watching, it gave us something fun to talk and debate about between questions and pitchers of beer. I continued watching because, with the magical aid of a DVR, I could fast forward through all the things I loathe about "reality" shows (packaged "highlights" and sob stories from "real life," people saying things that aren't scripted by professional writers) and quickly get to the meat of the show, which is people singing songs that you've heard before, and one knowledgeable and entertaining judge (and 2 or 3 superfluous morons) commenting on them. Also, I could ignore the show during the first month or so of each new season, when it was packed with bad auditions and backstories that would fit better on a local cable access telethon, and wait until the Top 12 debuted, when the show became more about the actual "competition."

So, that's where we are now. I know virtually nothing about the results to date, other than what's been absorbed by pop culture osmosis. Ellen is in, replacing (mercifully) the loopily incoherent Paula. (I never got the love and appeal of Paula. Yes, she had a few hits back in the day, but was more a performer than a singer, and her "analysis" was basically cheerleading spliced with upchucked rainbows, through the filter of a dictionary-impaired word jumble. Surely Ellen is an improvement, as she is also a performer, albeit a more polished and cogent one). This is Simon's last year. Kara is still there, and despite an impressive CV on paper, was annoying and contradictory last year. And Randy is useless, dawg. So it will be interesting to see how the panel of judges has shaped up for this critical year. Also, all I've heard about the contestants themselves is that it's been a rocky road to the finals, many of the performances to date have been underwhelming, and presumably, the early favorite is a chick named Crystal.

For many reasons, I'm not particularly enthused about the program this year, but I'll tune in tonight to see if it captures my fascination again. And hey, it's hard to go wrong with the Stones' catalog, right?

TV Quickies

USA's In Plain Sight is a mildly entertaining diversion, but the best reason to watch that show continues to be the droll wit of Fred Weller's Marshall Mann sidekick. Oh, and the show's creator is leaving after this season, and doesn't sound exactly happy about it. At least he's taking Jinx with him.

Speaking of mildly entertaining summer diversions, I like the cast of Leverage, but can't for the life of me figure out Beth Riesgraf. She's either one of the worst actors on television who can't facially convey normal human emotions in any scene she's in, particularly when she's not the center of focus, OR she's absolutely brilliant, giving her somewhat mysterious and off kilter character perplexing line readings and throwing exaggeratedly muggy (and adorable) expressions from her visage.

The Dollhouse DVD is fantastic. "Epitaph One" is truly the mind-blowing revelation you've heard about, and pulls brilliant, heartbreaking performances out of everyone involved (especially Topher!). And the original pilot is much, much better than the aired pilot, with 100% less head-scratching hostage negotiation. The special features are entertaining, and similar to what you've seen on other Whedon discs. (I hope to catch the commentaries later this week).

I had a coupon for a free movie on DirecTV on demand, and used it on the third Underworld movie. If you're going to watch a silly, blue tinted movie about the emancipation of werewolves, it certainly helps to have thespians Michael Sheen and Bill Nighy around to chew scenery and class up the place a bit. (Pouty Rhona Mitra as an undead kickass princess doesn't hurt, either).

The Burn Notice finale was great, though I did think they wasted too much time this season with the woefully miscast Moon Bloodgood as Det. Paxson. Some online reaction was surprising, in that people complained (SPOILER) that Michael shot Strickler "in cold blood." First, Strickler had a gun on him, so it wasn't exactly "cold blood," and second, I was glad that Michael took direct action against a rather unsavory character. Too often on Burn Notice, the bad guys wind up arrested or humiliated or driven out of town. I think that someone with Michael's background wouldn't hesitate to put someone down if they needed putting down, unless the act itself interfered with completion of the mission or hampered his long term plans. And while he was killing things that needed killing, he could have shot all the Irish accents that came out of a community theatre production of Darby O'Gill and the Little People.

Similarly, I've been catching up on Bruce Campbell's one season cult classic Brisco County Jr., which is a trippy Wild Wild West like show combining frontier adventure with dollops of sci-fi (it was co-created by Lost EP Carlton Cuse, if that tells you something). It's a fun show, particularly for fans of The Chin, but I think at the time it might have played things for the kids too much, since hardly anyone ever gets shot - on a show full of bounty hunters and quick-drawing gunslingers.

I also decided to pick up some reruns of Sons of Anarchy on FX, and after the first two eps, I have to say it's quite intriguing. Don't know why I missed this first time around, but it shows quite a bit of promise.

Speaking of FX, I think I've mentioned this before, but I blazed through the entire series run of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and it's got to be one of subversively funniest things I've ever seen. It's absolutely, gloriously politically incorrect, and for that, I love its shriveled, dark heart.

Warehouse 13, SyFy's new (Bones + X-Files / The Librarian x Friday the 13th: The Series) show, gets better each and every week. It's really well cast and a lot of fun, though the writing (and plot machinations) could use some tightening.

So, Paula Abdul is off American Idol. To which I say, thank Zeus. Look, the other two chair fillers to Simon's right are just as inept. Randy is a self-absorbed ("Did you know I worked with Mariah, dawg? And I toured with Journey?") fountain of idiotic catch phrases ("for me, for you" "molten hot" "work it out" "aiight" "dawg") that doesn't do a think to elevate the contestant critiques. Given her background in the industry and CV, I had hopes for Kara. But whether it was her role as the "fourth wheel" on a panel that tended to drone on already (when it wasn't interrupted by witless audience reaction, wasting even more time in already overstuffed shows), the criminally incompetent directing and production that actually reduced the meaningful content of the shows (the singing) while allowing it to consistently bloat beyond all reason and fuck with DVRs all across America, or her own cosmic gift for malaprops (Studio 57, for example) and incoherence ("early" Aerosmith and "artistry"), she didn't exactly make a great first impression. Still, given a choice of whom to boot among Kara, Randy and Paula, I would have given Paula the pink slip. The former have more "credibility" on their actual resumes than Paula, a performer never known for her "vocals" (or production or songwriting) anyway. And I prefer my entertainment scripted if I want to watch someone strung out on pills (Greg House), verbally incomprehensible (Tracy Jordan) or endearingly supportive (Hurley). Personally, I would have wiped out all the judges sans Simon and started over, but hopefully, given the contract situations, that can be taken care of after next season. (Kara had a one year option picked up, and Randy is signed through next year). Almost anyone would be better. What about Elton John? Jody Watley? Susanna Hoffs? Or my personal choice, Harry Connick Jr. (mentioned back in a 2008 "how to fix Idol" post, along with some other fixes for common Idol problems). Initially the silver lining (inside of the gold lining of 86ing the less intellectually gifted half of the duo who sang "Opposites Attract") in all this was that we'd be back to a somewhat more streamlined panel of three, instead of the performance eradicating blight and bloat of four that submarined much of this last season. However, the producers have stated that they plan to press on with four judges in a yet to be determined fashion, whether it be with a permanent replacement or rotating guest judges (such as they're doing early on with Posh Spice and Katy Perry). Sigh.

Season Finale Haiku

Chuck
"Guys. I know kung fu!"
Happily, not the last words,
We will hear Chuck say.

Lost
Not all black and white.
Lots of secrets to Un-Locke.
Kate still fucks it up.

Bones
What the hell was that?
Babies, brain tumors and sex?
I want amnesia.

How I Met Your Mother
Mom is in the class?
Don't care since we have Barney,
Robin and Aldrins.

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
Goodbye, smart sci-fi.
Loved the cast, and this John C,
Won't scream at DP.

American Idol
"Golden Idols" suck,
Homophobia clouds vote,
Kara fun at last.

House
Hallucination?
Only good cuz of Cutthroat.
Hugh still awesome, though.

Dollhouse
Wash is a badass.
Love for Adelle knows no bounds.
Bring on season 2.

Battlestar Galactica
All just chess pieces,
Cuz god did it all along.
Where did Starbuck go?

Fringe
Dimension doorway,
Hey look! It's Spock! Walter rocks.
Peter spry for dead.

Desperate Housewives
Please, Dave, kill Susan.
Did anything fun happen?
Why do I still watch?

The Office
God no! Not babies!
Always kills a show for me.
Picnics are awkward.

Supernatural
Heaven has cold beer.
And burgers. Angels are dicks.
Ruby can't act. Bye!

24
Kim and no cougar.
Red is hot and goes Jack-side.
Quiet end. Good day.

Heroes
More lame upon lame.
Put B. Fuller on GOOD show.
Cast can't save plotting.

In which we hear nothing really new, except the same shitty song. Twice. (Idol Finals)

Well, here we are at the American Idol finals, with low key Kris Allen vs. the bombastic Adam Lambert. I’m happy with the final twosome, really, though I would have personally preferred an Allison / Adam matchup. But since that wasn’t possible, given her ousting in the Final 4, I’m pleased as can be that smug, irritating hack Gokey got booted last week, leaving us with this duo. For most of the season, I’ve enjoyed Adam’s performances more than Kris’s (though I did really dig his “Falling Slowly” and thought his rendition of “Heartless,” from an original artist I can’t stand, was the high point last week), so I guess I’m kind of pulling for him. But I just want an entertaining hour (and yes, Idol Producers, as I’m know you’ve forgotten time and time again, an hour consists of 60 minutes. Not 67, or 64, or 70, you fucking buffoons), free of idiotic judges commentary, and with some variety in the song choices.

So, let’s get on with it, shall we?

Judges introductions. A noticeable lack of applause for Kara. (I know, she’s inane and inconsistent in her commentary. But I keep thinking she’s kinda cute, and is she really any more devoid of thought and logic than Randy or Paula?). Simon has eschewed the formal Hanes for this evening, too. Rules: one performer’s choice of their favorite from this year, one choice from producer Simon Fuller, and a performance of the “winner’s treacly ballad coronation,” this year written by Kara. Great. 33% of the evening just merited a fast forward and/or heavy drinking. And Ryan warns us that tomorrow night is “so packed with great stuff” that the show will RUN OVER THE SCHEDULED TIME AGAIN. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, right? It’s a TWO HOUR SHOW. For what is in essence, a 60 second reveal, and a 3 minute confetti drenched ballad chock full 'o rainbows and moonbeams. What could possibly take up MORE THAN TWO FUCKING HOURS?! At least they are warning audiences in advance of their own towering ineptitude. Sigh.

Kris won the toss, and is electing to defer.

Adam opens with his performance of Tears for Fears (Gary Jules version) “Mad World.” I realize why the show keeps running over time. They’ve gone to a pawn shop, and exchanged all their clocks and watches for a smoke machine and 29 blue light bulbs. Adam does a lovely performance of the song, and though it doesn’t induce chills the way it did when we first heard it and it took us by surprise (or took some of by surprise, since this was one of the shows where his entire performance was past the show’s allotted running time), it really is quite understated vocally, compared to some of his previous vocal gymnastics, and is sung beautifully. The first three judgebots love it, and for some reason, Simon feels compelled (after several interruptions by the howler monkeys throwing poo) to comment on the “theatricality” of the performance. Dude, if you’re just now noticing this about Adam, have a cup of coffee and wake the fuck up. 9

Kris comes up in the bottom of the first at the piano, with “Ain’t No Sunshine.” Good lord, I love this song. The bluesy, plaintive nature of this tune is right in his wheelhouse, and he does a fantastic job with it, giving it a diversity of phrasing that, to use the typical Idol parlance, makes it his own. Really heartfelt, and a very good counter to Adam’s opening number. 9

Round One: Dead Heat. (Simon gives it to Kris).

Fuller picks “Change is Gonna Come,” Sam Cooke’s influential tune from the 60s, for Adam. Naturally, he performs it note perfectly, and of course, with lots of bombast. Depending on your appreciation for Adam’s upper register whaling, you probably either loved this or hated it. Though I wish there had been a wee bit more restraint building to the crescendo, it really was quite spectacular vocally. 9.5

For Kris, Fuller picks another classic R&B tune, Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Goin’ On.” A great choice for him. Say what you want about his abysmal time management skills, the song choices have been very solid here, and suited to the artists. Kris does the song with guitar and some bongo accompaniment, and this is exactly what I think of when I think of most of Kris’s performances: vocally competent, interestingly phrased, and exactly what I think I should be hearing when I’m sitting on a deck on a sunny day, after a bit of the hippie lettuce, downing margaritas. I appreciate the calming melody and understatement of that Jason Mraz/Jack Johnson vibe, I just don’t always “seek it out” on the iPod when I “need” something to hear. Your Mileage May Vary. Some folks I know just love that stuff. Jason Castro tried to capitalize on that last year, but he was way less vocally and technically talented than is Kris (not to mention the fact that Jason might have been riding a short bus to school, or have fried his brain with too many white Russians and adventures with the Devil’s parsley). So, yeah, I liked that, it was aiight dawg, and it was smooth and well done. 8

Round Two: Adam

Running Score: Adam 18.5; Kris 17

And now we come to the portion of the program where the contestants perform some saccharine ballad inevitably about hopes and dreams and struggles and truth and frolicking on a beach of dreams and cloudy aspirations and climbing a mountain of pluck while fucking a unicorn in the ass and making a rainbow out of the spunk they pull out of their very own soul. Gah. Has any one of these formless regurgitations of 10th grade poetry EVER been worth a damn? If it HAS to be a stirring intellectual treatise on grasping the golden goddamned ring off the carousel of hope-y dreaminess, couldn’t it at least be an upbeat nugget of pop cotton candy? Has Kara been listening to the incessant promotion for Glee (which I’m actually looking forward to watching) and their use of “Don’t Stop Believin’?” Couldn’t we have something like that?

Adam gives us his take on “No Boundaries.” Will this be a song about someone who constantly invades your personal space? The difficulty in establishing a Palestinian state? College football recruiting? Your stepmom that uncomfortably got undressed in front of you when you were 14? The neighbor whose dog shits in your yard? Well, it wasn’t quite as soft and languorous as I’d anticipated, but it was every bit as expectedly obvious and insipid. How much do you penalize someone for “song choice,” when you have no choice, and the crafter of the tune is sitting right fucking there? Performance wise, it wasn’t one of Adam’s better shows, and on this one, I can see where the “upper register” complainers make their case. Grading on a curve (because they both have do roll with this crap), I’ll give it a 6. (And Cathy Dennis, 80s major hottie and pop hit crafter, co-wrote that with Kara? Wow.

Here we have Kris batting clean up on the same tune. Of course, his take has a more strummy, acoustic bent to it, and I actually enjoyed his version more, though he was far less technically proficient at hitting the notes the song required. Liked more, appreciated less? How about a copout with the same 6.

Round Three: Tie

Running Score: Adam 24.5; Kris 23

So, based on this, I would say that Adam won the night. The good thing is, I would be happy with either guy winning. They are both humble and appreciative and seem to have a genuine camaraderie and respect for each other.

And guess what? FOX has their most important pilot presentation right after this show, and they STILL FUCKING MANAGED TO RUN OVER TIME. (Of course, normally, I would give them the benefit of the doubt for a shrewd marketing move to suck people into watching Glee, but they have been so grossly confuzzled by the ability to understand where the big hand and the little hand are on the face of a fucking clock, that I won’t).

Tomorrow: Lots of fast forwarding with the TiVo and somebody wins! Wheee!

Heads should roll, and not just from Danny's singing (Idol Top 3)

Before I get to some quick thoughts on the Idol performances last night, can we all just agree on this: the show's producers and director should be FIRED. Or, Fringe style, taken to a portal to another dimension and CUT IN HALF and left for dead. Because really, the consistent incompetence of this season is unparalleled in any dimension. You have the number one show on television, and as talented a group as you've ever had, and week after week the show runs as smoothly and efficiently as the Washington Generals. You've added a fourth judge, who sounded great and credentialed on paper, who ultimately adds nothing except for the occasional insipid, head-scratching comment (Studio 57? "Early" Aerosmith?). Every week the show runs over time, and manages to do LESS with the allotted time than previous incarnations of the show. How is this even possible? Take last night for example. Traditionally, the top 3 have performed 3 songs (their choice, judges choice and Clive Davis choice), and managed to fit in 9 songs. Instead, we had each contestant do 2 songs (their choice, judges choice) for a total of 6 performances, and they not only ran the additional 4 minutes over that my TiVo indicated, but yet another minute after that! All so we could watch MORE of the interminable and content-free squawking between the panel of "judges," 75% of whom can't use the English language with any degree of clarity? REALLY? How the hell can this be happening week after week, without heads rolling down the halls of FOX and 19 Entertainment?

Sheesh.

As for the performances themselves, let's just say I was underwhelmed.

The Douchebag didn't melt any brains with his off key shrieking this week, but he did a passable version of Paula's choice of an obscure Terrance Trent D'Arby song, and did a predictable and schmaltzy "You Are So Beautiful."

Kris did what he could with Randara's choice (and then they criticized him for how he performed it) save for a bad falsetto, and actually offered the best performance of the night, an autotuneless version of a Kanye West song (as I twittered last night, how does one interpret Kanye WITHOUT USING ALL CAPS?).

And presumed winner Adam was very solid with Simon's choice of "One," but then disappointingly chose and screamed his way through the "early" Aerosmith song "Crying." There were rumors Simon was going to give Adam Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game," which would have been much, much better. (I would have loved to hear him do "Solitary Man," also from Isaak).

Obviously, the final two should be Adam and Kris, and according to DialIdol this morning, it looks like America agrees by a slight margin.

No matter who the final two are, we have one more "performance" show to cope with next week, and we'll see if they can actually fit in some "singing" (because you know, this is a "singing competition," or so I've heard from the morons at the desk) between the inane banter.

Regardless of who wins, the producers need to do a full housecleaning on the staff in the offseason, and offer a contrite, apologetic mea culpa to the audience for the abject fuckery with which the show has been run this season.

Darmok and Gokey at the Aerosmith

Remember that classic Star Trek: The Next Generation episode, "Darmok," where Picard is stranded on a planet with a member of an alien race, and the universal translator will not work with the alien's language? It's an insightful meditation on interplanetary diplomacy, and more importantly, about "communication," since the language of the alien is made up entirely of metaphor (such as "Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra") rather than individual words and phrases.

So, if I ever met a Tamarian, and wanted to communicate the idea of "off key screeching that causes insidious pain to the human ear," I might use something like this:

"Gokey and Aerosmith at the Rock Night"



Or, if I was trying to get the alien to understand the concept of "contemptible, smug, self-satisfied, asshatted, douchbaggery," I might say something along the lines of:

"Gokey with Ryan before the Judges Table."

I think y'all speak the language I'm putting down, right?

PLEASE, America, do the right thing tonight.

Nothin but a "Whole Lotta Love" for Adam (Idol Top 4)

Welcome to Rock Night. Slash is the guest mentor.

There are rumors that Idol will shake things up tonight, and have the Idolettes perform duets with each other. On the surface, this seems kind of interesting. How will they choose a song that complements both voices and styles? Who will be paired up? How will they flash the phone numbers? How will the judges evaluate the performances? However, as I think about it, it seems less like an “interesting idea,” and more like the producers just throwing up their arms and saying “fuck it. We can’t bring a show in on time anymore, so we’re going to short shrift the performers.” For example, last week, in the Top 5, we only had one performance each, when historically, the Top 5 has had a chance to do two songs each. Because of their gross incompetence, TPTB decided to cut that down to one song each, and inexplicably found a way to run over the allotted time. Now, with only 4 performers, they STILL can’t find a way to fit in 8 songs? SHAMEFUL. Can’t they make the judges be succinct? Or just eliminate anything Randy says? Cut Ryan’s preshow blabber? Nix the sitting on the chair pre-clip, pre-performance banter? This is the biggest show on television, and now it runs with the operational efficiency of a post office staffed by lethargic zombies? The blood boils.

I guess we'll see how it all works. On with the show.

Adam bats leadoff with "Whole Lotta Love". How did they clear that? What a great choice for him. What range. Few people can credibly pull off Robert Plant in full wailing, swaggering Rock God mode, and damned if he doesn’t do it. He fucking kills it. One of the few performances I’ve gone back and rewound a few times. Perfect. 10

Allison is up next with "Cry Baby". Another good choice, going with Janis. (I guess she doesn't have the same problems getting rights as Jenna Maroni). Allison is wonderful and this is right in her wheelhouse, but how can anything be something other than a tiny bit of a letdown after Adam? Still, this is very, very good, and limited only by the nature of the song. (And she gets a little adorably feisty with Simon too, bless her). Her other choice was "Somebody to Love". Simon was thinking of the Queen version, which would have been a good selection, but Allison was considering the Jefferson Airplane tune, which I wish she would have done, actually. 8.5

Here's our first duet with Kris and Danny doing "Renegade". Great songs tonight. Did they fuck up the lyrics? All in all, not a bad rendition, but neither one of these guys has a natural connection to swaggering 70s classic rock. Danny is a little better here, but in the big scheme of things, does it matter? No phone numbers are flashed, and this is just entertaining filler at this point. Speaking of which, if you want to see a good use of this song, check out this video, which is the last scene of the Supernatural episode “Nightshifters:”



Kris is up third with "Come Together". Good choice of band for Kris. But he's no Lennon or McCartney. He's just in that Jason Mraz/Jack Johnson coffeehouse niche and that's his thing. Plus, I still have fond memories of Carly Smithson doing a much better job with the same song last year. Not bad. 6

Danny does the last of the solos with "Dream On". Danny sounds on key and restrained during the opening, quiet parts of the song. Slash said it would come down to “the scream,” and he was right. Danny is no Steven Tyler. Or Adam Lambert. Or based on that scream, no bucketful of cutlery dropped into a blender. Ye gods, that was awful. And then, he has the fucking temerity to get a little haughty with the judges? Are you kidding me? I wasn’t crazy about Kris’s performance, but based on this, it is GO for Gokey time. 4

Second tangential video of the day, an ESPN piece they produced at the turn of the century set to the same song. If you’re a sports fan, and this doesn’t give you chillbumps, I don’t know what will.



Now for the duet I've been waiting for, Adam and Allison doing…..Foghat? Really? Not the most inspired choice of songs, but they absolutely kill it. They are so sweet together, and the chemistry and generosity between them stands in stark contrast to the Kris / Danny performance from earlier. Hopefully, when the voting opens, fans will remember Allison here, and realize she deserves to continue.

I enjoyed rock night, but fuck me with a chainsaw, they ran over time AGAIN. Not with 10 songs, or even 8 songs. With 6 fucking songs (and two that were "superfluous" to the voting), and I still managed to miss (for the time being – thanks FOX on demand!) a pivotal ending scene on Fringe. Take the producers out behind a shed, along with Danny, and shoot them.

The most obvious rankings EVER:

TNRLM Top 2: Adam, Allison

TNRLM Bottom 2: Danny, Kris

Did Frank Sinatra star in "Booty Call?" (Idol Top 5)

Here we are with "Rat Pack" night on Idol, and once again, the theme is interpreted "loosely," as not all the songs were explicitly performed by Frank, Dean or Sammy (or fortunately, by Joey Bishop or Peter Lawford). But I love this night on Idol, no matter if they call it "swing" or "great American songbook" or "standards." Call me old fashioned, but if I had to be trapped on a desert island with only one genre of music, this would be it. So how did the Idolettes do?

Before we start, a few thoughts:

• Wow, it was nice of Simon to wear his "formal" black t shirt.
• Allison looks great, and not like she was auditioning for the inevitable Jetsons remake by way of Pretty in Pink.
• Jamie Foxx as the surprise mentor? Not in time to save The Soloist, I'm afraid. And I can't decide whether or not I actually like him. He gives some very good performances, but he seems like a raging, self-absorbed egomaniac. And he's tied to the stylings of the Chairman and gang how? Because he sings and acts, too?
• Don't the Top 5 usually perform two songs? Has the production become such an off schedule trainwreck that they can't work in two performances each? Certainly the theme would allow for a depth and breadth of choices.

Kris leads off with "The Way You Look Tonight." He starts like usually does, kinda somnambulent, then hits an awful falsetto note and finally picks it up for the end. Not great, not terrible, and he does his usual, low key thing. I guess he isn’t trying to be in the “Throat Olympics?” 7

Allison will do "Someone to Watch Over Me." How can you not love that performance? Will it win over people who thought she was "too rock?" She was emotional and mature and in great voice. She's definitely got the pipes to continue, and I hope Amercia picks up on that this week. I see what Simon is saying about her stage presence, but I like her humility and lack of braying narcissism. 8.5

Matt comes out with "My Funny Valentine." Just okay for me. Little breathy. He sounds like Matt always does, trying to throw in some R&B and little vocal runs, mainly to mask his inability to stay continuously on pitch. Not crazy about this one. 5

Danny is performing "Come Rain or Come Shine." Why is Jamie Foxx "up in his grill?" What does Michael Mann have to do with the Rat Pack? At first, it sounds like he was drowned out a bit by the band. But the tempo picks up, Danny does the song in strong voice, and has the "right" amount of swagger, without overdoing it. He sounds good singing these types of songs. 8

Adam gets the pimp slot, and as you might expect, doesn't let us down, with "Feeling Good." I LOVE this song. Awesome. There's a little bit of everything in there. Theatrical and over the top? Yep. Entertaining and powerful? Yep. A glory note to break glass, deafen canines and bring the crowd to its feet? Yep. And Kara, who is extra cleavagy and coherent tonight, put it thusly: "Confusing shocking sleazy superb way over the top I like you." 9

TNRLM TOP 2: Adam, Allison

TNRLM BOTTOM 2: Matt, Kris

That's not quite how I remember the 70s - Disco Night, Idol Top 7 (again)

Hey, we’re back with 7 contestants, just like last week! Only this time, the gimmicky “judges’ save” is gone, and two of these folks are packing their bags tomorrow. I don’t mind the concept of the “save,” and it mixes up the formula a bit. It was also a bit like showing a gun in the first act, in that if they have this save, and didn’t use it at some point, all the critics would jump all over the show for a failed “innovation.” So they had to use it, and it was either last week, with a fairly likable and competent performer, or let it stretch to this week, when they would have to use it or lose it (and who knows who the designated castoff would be?). They might regret it if one of their favorites is in danger this week. Anyway, if that means I get to hear 7 disco songs this week instead of 6, then hell yes, I’m all for it, because I LOVE DISCO. There, I said it. I’ve never pretended to be a tragic music hipster, who looks down his nose at any music that was ever popular. I grew up in this era, and both my parents adored the genre and played it all the time. So I’m really looking forward tonight. And as a bonus, I’m sure we won’t get stuck with 7 Bryan Adams songs, or the continuing onslaught of treacly, sappy ballads that this crowd seems to gravitate toward. How the hell can you be boring and downtempo on fucking disco night? Let’s get funky, babies.

Lil bats leadoff with “I’m Every Woman.” (And who started the stylistic convention where you quote AND capitalize every word in a TV episode or song? Annoying when you’ve been drinking). On the surface, this would seem to be a good song choice for her, but through the first half of the song, all I can hear is the band and the backup singers. The ongoing debate between Lil and the judges had been for her to do some R&B “diva” songs, and this certainly qualifies (Chaka KHAN!), but that was just a lackluster performance of a good tune. She seemed more concerned with the “come ons!” to the audience and the big notes, and never quite grasped the melody or pitch. I’m sure she’ll argue about it with our cast of four (thank Zeus it’s not the 2+2 travesty of last week), but it’s an argument she won’t win. And Ryan gives her the chance to! Unbelievable, and she’s wrong-headedly defiant to the end. Mercifully for her, and us, this should be her last week. 4

Anyone else think that Angels & Demons looks interesting? I read the Dan Brown books, and while they weren’t Faulkner, they were page turning airplane pulp reading. I thought the first book (that this movie is based upon) was the better of the two. And Tom Hanks went to Great Clips.

Here we have Kris, who will be doing “She Works Hard for the Money.” Which I always remember Donna Summer performing with a guitar. Kris thinks it has a “good message,” about a hard working woman. So are we talking about a waitress, or a hooker here? They both, I guess, serve up a slice of pie. I can’t wait to hear his earnest, coffeehouse version of “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp.” He does a really different, and interesting, arrangement that has bongos and a Caribbean flavor to it. Very smooth and heartfelt. It doesn’t satisfy my jones for 100% pure uncut disco, but all in all, a unique take on the song, a good vocal and a good performance. 8

Gokey will be performing “September.” Did his wife die in September, or did Earth, Wind and Fire not do a song about a dead spouse? He was in fine vocal form on this one, even if the band/backup overwhelmed him at times, and he toned down the Taylor Hicks spasmodic seizure dancing. He was on pitch and energetic, and I liked that one. 7

Allison is dipping into the Donna Summer well again, turning “Hot Stuff” into a slow building rocker. Not your traditional take on the tune, but it showcases what the little powerhouse can bring. Great vocal on the song, full of smoky timbre and attitude, and right in her wheelhouse. It felt like a slightly more upbeat “Black Velvet.” Very nice. 8

The unquestioned frontrunner, Adam, is up next with “If I Can’t Have You,” another of my favorite disco tracks from back in the day. He keeps with the theme of the night, turning our mirror ball, bell bottomed favorites into something entirely different, this time, a plaintive torch song. He gets the hurt, sensitive yearning part of the song, and also picks up and wails on it. It’s a sincere, brilliant performance. The judges fall all over themselves (as they should), and Adam even manages to win further brownie points for humility by giving a shout out to the arranger. Just fantastic. 9

Matt, freshly saved from last week, will be giving us “Staying Alive.” He tosses the classic disco arrangement with his usual Timberfake sauce, and hits a few falsetto notes and gives some desperate energy to it. Is it great? Uh, no. Is it passable? It’s decent. (If you want a fun and different take on the song, check out the Ntrance version). Will it be enough for him to stay? I think it will mainly depend on how Anoop performs, because Lil is going home with somebody. 5

Anoop will close us out in the pimp spot, with yet another Donna Summer tune, this time “Dim All The Lights.” (That would be 43% Summer content, for those of you counting at home. Donna Summer is the new/old Bryan Adams!). I will give him credit for yet another original arrangement that sounds like an odd fusion of Cyndi Lauper and Paul Young. He hits most of the notes well, particularly in the more ballady section of the song, but it’s a bit underwhelming, and his final note is horribly off. Ouch. 5


TNRLM Top 3: Adam, Kris, Allison

TNRLM Bottom 3: Lil, Matt, Anoop

Has anyone checked out DialIdol this morning? What the fuckity fuck? While it’s not clear cut that Kris and Allison are definitively in the bottom two and going home, if that turns out to be the result, America should storm the judges’ table with torches and pitchforks for wasting a “save” on Matt last week, when two of the better contestants could wind up axed.

Welcome to "At The Movies," with Roger Ebert and Bryan Adams (Idol Top 7)

Here we are with American Idol, and music from the movies, with guest mentor Quentin Tarantino. Will the song selections be as uninspiring (Celine, Whitney, “Against All Odds”) as I expect, or will some of the contestants pleasantly surprise? Will QT, whose every movie I have in my DVD collection, be as annoying in front of the camera (as he usually is) as he is good behind it? Will they thoughtlessly go over the allotted time and cut into Fringe, like they unconscionably did last week? Will, as I suggested on Twitter, someone do “Stuck in the Middle with You,” and cut off Randy’s ear live on national television? (We can only hope)

We shall see. On with the show.

Allison bats lead off, with “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing,” from Armageddon. I love Allison, but I’m not a huge fan of the song. Still, she delivers it with some restraint (where needed) and panache. She appears more comfortable on stage, and hits the notes. Great start for her. 8

Note: evidently, under fear of backlash from angry Fringe fans, they are limiting the judges’ comments after each performance to just two. Can we make it just Simon and one of the others each time? Pretty please?

Next is Anoop, who will do “Everything I Do, I Do For You,” a sappy Bryan Adams ballad (Robin Scherbatsky will be happy!) from Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves (which I actually own, if only for the plucky and underrated Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio and, of course, Alan Rickman’s Sheriff of Nottingham. Not for Kevin Costner’s accent, obviously). QT tells him to “rough it up a bit.” Though he doesn’t take QT’s advice, because none of these Idolettes listen to a fucking thing anyone says, that’s the best Anoop has been in a long time. He delivers a very controlled, vocally on spot performance. But what was he wearing? It looks like a letterman’s jacket fucked a sportcoat and spawned. 8

The frontrunner, Adam, will perform Steppenwolf’s AOR staple, “Born to be Wild” from Easy Rider. Again, with Adam, a song choice that on the surface seems to reek of Gouda, but he’s always mixed it up in interesting and surprising ways. Well, that was fun. Adam sounded like the bastard love child of Axl Rose and Freddy Mercury, with all the requisite theatricality and campy pleasures. Man, he can shriek, and shriek well. That will be tough to top, and at this point, we can go ahead and start engraving the trophy. 9.5

Matt will be doing another Bryan Adams song (somewhere along the way, Bryan Adams has become Kenny Loggins) from Don Juan DeMarco, “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman.” Timberfake takes a song that had Spanish flavorings, puts it through his R&B blender, and the result is a smoothie full of bland. He’s just not connecting with anyone, and his time could be up. (And what is Simon doing while Kara is commenting? Is that is version of “spit it out, woman?”) 5

Gokey will be going spec-free, and doing “Endless Love,” a delightful ode to statutory rape. (I don’t think I have to tell you what movie that’s from). Just kidding. Laws may vary in your locale. And does anyone remember Brooke Shields’ costar from that movie? No? (Martin Hewitt). This is a relatively classy and spare arrangement, and Gokey is much better on the bigger notes, but no one is going to forget Lionel Richie. And of course, no one is going to forget the dead wife, as he looks heavenward as the tune ends. This is the worst performance I’ve seen him give. Was he off key to start? 4

Two quick asides: First, I can’t watch the new Star Trek trailers enough. This movie is going to melt my warp core. Second, QT is doing one of the better mentor jobs of the recent past, even if (like usual) no one listens to him. Though he is currently filming a war movie set in Nazi Germany, I think he may have looked too much at the Fuhrer for his current hair stylings.

Here we go with Kris, who will be singing “Falling Slowly,” from Once. (Didn’t those crazy kids break up in real life? Is that a good sign?) It’s a beautiful song, and Kris shows some very earnest sincerity in delivering it. But it’s not a totally compelling performance, and he’s a little pitchy and scratchy in hitting some of the notes. 5

Lil will be doing “The Rose,” from Weekend at Bernie’s. She starts it out in the familiar fashion, and then transitions it into a gospel arrangement. It’s not as spectacular as she thinks it is, and she can’t really decide what type of tune it wants to be. Paula babbles on about something, and Simon is visibly rolling his eyes and frustrated, because he doesn’t have his secret Rainbows And Unicorns Decoder Ring (I’m with him on this one). Then, Lil wants to cut into Fringe time to backtalk Simon ONCE AGAIN. Can we please add her to The Bride’s list, just after Budd? 3


All in all, I felt like I was at a prom or a wedding. Either the song choices are far more limited than we know, or these kids have no awareness of tunes from movies. (“Hey, Tarantino is a guest mentor, and his flicks always have great soundtracks, so let’s pick a song from…..what….Bryan Adams isn’t on the soundtrack to Reservoir Dogs? Oh well….”) Wouldn’t it have made sense to get QT more involved in the selection process? Surely he wouldn’t have selected disc 2 from Bryan Adams Greatest Hits. I’d much rather see 10 – 15 minutes of discussion and debate over song choices than anything Randy, Paula or Kara had to say (did someone point Paula toward wikiquote.org before the show?). And that judging thing was unbelievable. Whoever is responsible for the pacing of the show (director? producer?) should be shot. They limited the judges commentary severely, and STILL couldn’t bring it in on time. I understand the desire to add a fourth judge, either to season a replacement for Randy or Paula, or to bring the balance of the panel who can speak coherent English to 50/50, but the experiment is not working. I give ‘em credit for trying something new, but if you’re going to do this “only time for two” thing, then Simon ALWAYS has to be one of the two. I seriously doubt there would be any great public outcry if the commentary of the non-Simon judges was limited.


TNRLM Top 3: Adam, Anoop, Allison

TNRLM Bottom 3: Lil, Danny, Matt

Did everyone spend the fucking 80s in an elevator?

Here we are with this week’s Idol, and the theme is “songs from the year you were born.” Other than serving to make me feel like I should be carbon dated, I’m actually looking forward to this, since I’m sure all these kiddies were born in the 80s. And if you’re reading this here blog, you’ll know that the 80s are, like, you know, my mostest favorite decade. (Of course, I am suffering from a little Fringe withdrawal, so if this gets too tedious with bad song choices, then I may just fast forward through it and get on with the business of watching Peter crack wise and Walter obsess about snack foods and talk to his cow).

Anyhoo….here we go:

Is it just me, or is Kara looking hotter and hotter each week?

Danny bats lead off, having been born in 1980 (I think they’re going oldest to youngest? Does this mean Allison will finally get some Idol love and be in the pimp spot?). He’ll be kinda cheating, performing “Stand By Me,” since Mickey Gilley did a remake of the classic Ben E. King song for the Urban Cowboy soundtrack. (I have fond memories of that soundtrack, listening to it with some friends while learning how to play poker). In a way, it’s a double “cheat,” much like the finale of Life On Mars was a dream within a dream within a hyperspace slumber, because Gokey sounds nothing like Ben E. King nor Mickey Gilley. Rather, he sounds like he’s doing the adult contemporary version of “Stand By Me” that would play in a Disney off Broadway musical adaptation of Urban Cowboy that doesn’t feature Scott Glenn in a tight mesh shirt or Deborah Winger getting fucked. Sigh. I know the Ghoulish Widower gets a lot grief, but since I missed a lot of the early backstory, I’ve been impressed with him thus far. However, this was not one of those nights. I thought he overreached with the schmaltziness (interesting side note, my spell checker didn’t blink at “schmaltziness”) of the arrangement, and it was totally uninteresting and made me long for either of the two popular versions. The judges seem to love it. 5 for me.

Kris, who is beginning to grow on me, is up next with 1985’s “All She Wants to Do is Dance.” (Sigh. I think there will be a lot of “sighs” during this hour. He said he wanted to grow up to be a taxi driver. I would be more interested if he said he wanted to grow up to be Taxi Driver, AKA Travis Bickle, and have crushes on Cybill Sheppard and Jodie Foster and kill random members of the dark underbelly of New York. But I think he was speaking more of being a hack, and we’ll see if that turns into “hackery” for the song. Also, in 1985, I think I discovered the hooka). What are these people doing to my beloved 80s music? This sounds like Don Henley by way of Jamoroquai, on Jamoroquai’s worst day. (and I say that loving a good number of Jamoroquai tunes). He goes away from the James Taylorish drivel, but Kara hits it on the head, saying that it sounds like someone gave him “jazz funk” homework. Decent, at best, vocals, and an ass arrangement. 4

Next we have Lil, with Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got to do With It” from 1984 (I guess we’re not going in chronological order). Finally, something in her wheelhouse that I can see her performing well, that doesn’t take the shouty train on the shouty tracks, all the way to shouty town and put her up in the shouty suite at the shouty inn. Well, that was just okay. And still shouty. And when she wasn’t shouty, she was taking deep breaths, getting ready to shout. There was no nuance or subtlety to that, and it was just a pale, pale imitation of Tina. (And Paula – PAULA! – makes sense). The judges, since I’ve been watching, keep talking about Lil’s potential, but since I’m on board since only the top 13, I haven’t seen it. 3

Anoop is up next, first apologizing (not too eloquently) for being a petulant twat last week. He was born in 1986, and will be doing “True Colors,” one of my least favorite and most overplayed songs of the decade. Sigh. Is Fringe on yet? He gives a very restrained, controlled version of the song that’s not unpleasant. It’s faint praise to call this the best of the night thus far. 6

Scott was born in 1985, and will be doing “The Search is Over.” Fuck, these people are raping my memories of the 80s. Did I TiVo through the beginning, when they said the theme was “music from the year of your birth, that’s only played in elevators and dentists' offices?” Jesus Adult Contemporary Christ. And what does it take to make you appreciate the lead vocalist of Survivor? This was a mess, and he couldn’t hit the notes he needed to. I will give Scott credit for being personable and funny, even if his continued presence on the show is dragging it down. Terrible. 2

Allison was born in 1992 (I’m Ooooooooold!), and will be performing “I Can’t Make You Love Me.” Aw, as Gob Bluth would say, COME ON! Did the parents of all these contestants, for the first year of their lives, keep them in a tiny sealed chamber that only piped in Muzak? I mean, this is a decent song from a really good album, but there’s a sameness to everything I’m hearing this evening that feels like I’m sitting in a waiting room in Hell. On one hand, it’s a decent choice for Allison, whose “rocker chick” schtick frequently gets (unfairly) ignored by the judges, and I understand the desire to show them something different. It’s an engaging performance, and one with restraint and color, but it leaves me with a decided, but appreciative, “meh.” 7

Matt was born in 1985, and will be giving us the gift of “Part Time Lovers.” SIGH. Does no one remember the dawning and dominance of early MTV? The English new wave? The rise of pop-tinged hair metal? The cultural incursions into the top 40 and public consciousness made by “alternative” bands? Fuck, almost ANY song from that list of Top One Hit Wonders of the 80s would be preferable to the seven choices I’ve seen here tonight. Matt does a decent job with his Timberfake, whitewashed Stevie Wonder, but he’s overly enamored with his supposed “blue eyed soul” to the point that I can’t enjoy it. (It’s like the Life On Mars thing again; he’s thinking he’s doing a white guy, doing a white guy, doing soul. If you want to hear real blue eyed soul from the 80s, check out Daryl Hall, Paul Carrack, Boz Scaggs, Paul Young or any number of artists). 6

Adam is in the pimp spot, and let’s PRAY that one of these folks has an interesting song choice.

HOLY SHIT. I’ve come to the end of the recorded program, and NO ADAM. Fortunately, I’ve TiVo’d this AND Fringe, so I’ll get to see what he does, but what about the rest of America, who might not have recorded the much better program? Will this be a controversy? I don’t expect that Adam, no matter what he does, will be in the Bottom 3, but it will prove interesting to see what the producers do with this development. Has this happened before?

Adam was born in 1982, and will be doing “Mad Love,” a Tears for Fear song that I LOVE both in its original TFF incarnation, and in the Gary Jules version from Donnie Darko. I had hoped for something more fun, upbeat and 80s kitsch, but this will hopefully cleanse the pallet after being trapped in an elevator for an hour. Great choice by Adam, and a heartfelt and extraordinarily well performed version of the song. Best of the night, by a long shot. Bravo, dude. 9


TNRLM Top 3: Adam, Allison, Anoop

TNRLM Bottom 3: Scott, Lil, Kris

There really is no theme here night (Idol Top 9)

Hey, it’s “Top Downloads” night on Idol. What the hell will this mean? Top downloads this week? This month? Year to date? Of all time? (I just did a quick perusal of the Top 100, and thank Zeus there were songs I’d actually heard before. And that were recorded before January of this year. And that don’t have a “featuring” in their credits. Because y’all know I hate the “featurings.”).

We’re 5 minutes in, and I still don’t have a clear expectation of what the hell the catalog is from which the Idolettes will be choosing. Kara thinks there was no “artistry” in that explanation, Ryan. I guess we’ll see. On with the show.

Anoop bats lead off with an Usher song. I’m not that familiar with the song, but there is some annoying percussion going on, like someone dropped a box of forks from a third story building into an industrial mixer. He sings it passably and moves around, but that didn’t show any vocal prowess to me. Meh. 5 He also gets pissy with the judges' feedback, which certainly won’t help.

Lady Caw Caw will be singing something from Bob Marley, so I’m still in the dark about the parameters of the theme. (based on two songs, could it be “Top Downloads from Part Owners of the Cleveland Cavaliers and Famous Rastafarians?” Maybe too soon to tell). Oh, wait, Lauryn Hill did a cover of it. Anyhoo, Megan Juggsalot realizes she stank up the joint last week, and is happy to be doing a song she loves. (Did Bob Marley, or Lauryn Hill, make any bird noises in their songs? Just askin’). As TNRLM readers know, I don’t start watching until we get to the Top 12 (or 13, this year). So for those of you who did watch all the prelims, other than being cute and quirky, how the hell did Megan get this far? Cause really. That didn’t make me want to join the Fugees. Or smoke a joint. Or would that have helped? I would call Megan’s performance a trainwreck, but that would do a disservice to trains. And wrecks. Rightfully, the judges KILL her. 1

Oh BOY. A movie with Beyonce AND Ali Larter? Wonder who Kate Winslet will be handing a statue to next year?

Danny will be doing a Rascal Flatts country song (as opposed to something from their gangster rap oeuvre). He turns down the Taylor Hicks dancing, and delivers a very restrained performance; very heartfelt and moving and on key. The song isn’t particularly in my “must have” zone, but that was well done. 8

Allison will bring us No Doubt’s “Don’t Speak,” one of my favorite songs. She looks like a demented bargain basement ballerina, who has had a wet, painted balloon rubbed on her head too much. It’s not an arrangement that fits the song particularly well, but she certainly shows some passion for the tune, and has that great raspy quality to her vocal. She’s a little too quick with some of the lyrics, and needs to watch her tendency to power shout through the majority of the song. Overall, not bad, though, as long as I’m not looking at what she’s wearing. 6

Scott will be doing what should be a do or die song for him, and he chooses one that might showcase him at his best, Billy Joel’s “Just The Way You Are.” (And as for the theme? Is it getting to be just “Any Song, Ever Downloaded, On Any Computer, Anywhere?”) Despite someone giving him Greg Brady hair, I think this is my favorite performance of his (I know, probably not saying a great deal). That was definitely his best and most authentic vocal, though strangely, I thought his piano playing was a little out of sorts. If he can operate in this niche of whiskey tinged, earnest piano man, he might hang around. 7

Now we have Matt, doing a song for “him,” which is something by The Fray. Wasn’t this a promo for Lost at some point? Which only serves to make me think I’d rather be watching Lost right now, or even working out time travel mechanics on a whiteboard, than listening to this. He hits some of the falsetto notes well, but the whole thing is rather sloppy and all over the place. 4

Here comes Lil, who complains about the judges’ criticism of her previous song choices. So naturally, she picks Celine Dion. Which shouldn’t conflict at all with her tendency toward shouty bombast, should it? Sigh. What’s up the usually on point band tonight? They’re awful here, as they’ve been for most of the evening. There’s no doubt Lil has some serious pipes, but I feel like I should be heading down to the Lido Deck for the Captain’s Buffet. Let’s go play shuffleboard! Oh Christ, Ryan is interviewing her kids, reminding me again that this season should have been performed in an orphanage. Or at least added Trojan to the list of sponsors with Coke and Ford. Yoiks. 5

What kind of world are we living in, where the contestants get to choose from basically any song ever written, and SCOTT is one of the best performers so far? Maybe it is better when there’s a tight theme.

Next is Adam, who was the showstopper last week. Okay, with all the songs in the world, Adam is going with white boy frat party anthem “Play that Funky Music?” Holy shit, he does it again. He chooses an interesting and unexpected arrangement, adds some personality, and basically blows the roof off the auditorium. His vocals at every step of the spectrum are outstanding. Damn, I think he’s making me a fan. 9

Praise be, Fringe is finally coming back next week.

Finally, we have Kris in the pimp spot. He’ll be doing one of my absolute favorite songs, Bill Withers “Ain’t No Sunshine” (which of course, there isn’t). This is a really good choice for him, and he does a great job with it. For probably the first time, I’ve felt something for him, and don’t see him as a low rent coffee house crooner. Hard to take a song so indelibly performed by the original artist and perform it with authenticity and confidence, but he did it. 8.5

TNRLM Top 3: Adam, Kris, Danny


TNRLM Bottom 3: Goodbye Megan, Matt, Anoop

Idols not as depressing as the Motown economy (Idol Top 10)

It’s Motown Night on Idol. Which will be interrupted in my viewing for the evening by something far more important – a fresh new episode of Lost on ABC.

Motown legend Berry Gordy will be present (along with Smoky Robinson). I wonder if anyone will choose Rockwell’s “Somebody’s Watching Me?” (Remember that from back in the 80s? With a cameo from the {allegedly} pederastically inclined Michael Jackson). After all, Rockwell was Berry Gordy’s son. I’m guessing Scott wouldn’t choose that one. Damn, you’re the Gordy scion and all you get is one novelty hit? Shame. And how old is Smoky? He looks like a wax figure.

Anyhoo, on with the show.

Matt is batting lead off tonight, and will be doing “Let’s Get It On.” I have no problems with the arrangement, but he has quite a few sketchy moments with the falsetto, which Randy inexplicably likes quite a bit. The judges are more positive on him than I am. Meanwhile, Madame Tussaud inquires about Smoky’s availability. 6

Kris walks in with his guitar and will be singing “How Sweet It Is” a la James Taylor (not the “JT” that Matt wants to be a clone of). Completely serviceable, and a safe choice for him. What are those numbers on his shirt? Should they be entered into a computer, in a hatch, on the show I’m going to be watching in a few minutes? I also like how he handles the comments about being “conceited” and “confident.” 6

Next we have Scott with “You Can’t Hurry Love.” Against Paula’s advice, he’s not going to leave the piano and run an onstage obstacle course. (And is it fair to make jokes about a blind guy wearing washed out pink pants? Too soon?) This isn’t a total train wreck, but it sounds a lot like something you would hear in an airport bar in Branson. At least it wasn’t another sappy ballad. 3 (And Paula dives under the table to settle some squabbling with Simon by handing him a box of Crayolas and a coloring book. Cute. Though at first, I thought that was heading someplace entirely different).

Megan is up next performing “For Once In My Life.” From the snippets with the candleman, this sounds like it could be….interesting. The melons are less prominently displayed this week, and she doesn’t have the flu. Perhaps just dementia. She turns down the seizure masquerading as dance from previous performances, and does a jazzy, messy, poorly phrased, horribly sung, off key wipe out. Horrific. 2

Hey, Dollhouse is kicking ass now. FOX, how ‘bout a frakkin’ commercial?

Anoop will give us “Ooooh, Baby Baby.” Not one of my favorite songs, but Anoop once again shows a lot control hitting the quiet notes well. He does hit a couple of lip smacking pops into the mic inadvertently, and the song can be somnambulant, but it’s a quality performance. He’s impressed me a lot since his first week stumble. 6

Is there really an audience for an Osbourne family variety show? The Middleman and Pushing Daisies get canceled, and Chuck, Terminator and Dollhouse struggle near death in the ratings, and Big Love and Mad Men get only a couple million eyeballs a week. (Hell, BSG only got a little over 2.4 viewers million for the fucking series finale). If this show is a hit, I’ll bite the head off a live bat.

Michael will follow with “Ain’t Too Proud To Beg.” Evidently, he was very sick all week. Hmmm. First Megan, then Michael. Could they be spreading more than gossip about Ryan’s hair products in the Idol House? With all the teeny bopper parents among this season’s contestants, we might have a live delivery for the finals. Fresh off last week’s stumble with a Garth Brooks tune, Michael is all over the place, rarely hitting a worthwhile note. Wow, this kind of swallows him whole and it’s hit the mute button terrible. 2

Based on the description I heard, I didn’t think there was a chance in hell I’d watch Glee. But ya know what? It likes rather intriguing. Perhaps Ryan Murphy’s involvement in getting this off the ground can explain what the fuck has been happening with Nip/Tuck.

Lil Rounds will be doing “Heat Wave.” She gets all weepy about Motown, and wants to do this for Martha Reeves and Diana Ross. I’m sure they’re touched. The mix coming through my TV has the band overwhelming her a bit, but damn, she sounds pretty good. She rushes through some phrasing, but oddly, I’m agreeing with Paula more than the others (perhaps it was that handful of barbiturates I just washed down with my whiskey). This is the first time I’ve really liked Lil, and she looks appropriately Motownish to boot. 7

Here we go with Adam. After pissing on Johnny Cash’s corpse last week, how can he top that? Shoot Marvin Gaye again? Grudge fuck a zombie Otis Redding? He’ll be doing Smoky’s “Tracks of My Tears.” Hey! Who took away “I raided my mom’s Mary Kay Cadillac trunk” emo boy and replaced him on stage with the love child of KD Lang and Don Draper? This is really subtle, earnest and heartfelt, and he does a spectacular job with it. Smoky proves that wax is animate and gets up to applaud. It’s unique yet comfortable, and without question, the best of the night. Wow. 9

Danny will be doing one of my favorite Motown tunes, “Get Ready.” He sounds likeably soulful on this, and does a great job with it. The judges aren’t as high on this as I am, but I thought he was fantastic. Not quite as showstopping as Adam, but I really enjoyed this. 8

Last but not least, we have Allison, who was inexplicably in the bottom 3 last week. (Yo, America, what up?) Another of my favorite Motown songs, “Papa Was A Rolling Stone.” Damn, do I love her voice, and she completely blows doors with this. How does someone who is only 16 sound like she’s been smoking, drinking and experiencing life for four decades? I will rate Adam’s performance slightly higher from a technical standpoint, but this was my absolute favorite of them all. 8.

TNRLM Top 3: Adam, Allison, Danny


TNRLM Bottom 3: Michael, Megan, Scott