"I just killed a chicken."

No, I'm not making dinner the old fashioned way. That was a line from Craphole Island's resident Colonel Kurtz, John Locke. As always, if you haven't watched last night's hour of Lost: SPOILERS AHOY!

So Lost couldn't possibly sustain the breakneck pace established over the first three eps of the new season, could it? I mean, that was one classic hour after another, and we were bound to have a letdown, right? Last night's offering, "Eggtown" (what does that mean, anyway? Reference to the chickens? Breakfast? Pregnancies?) wasn't a groaner, like Jack's tattoo story, or completely boring, like Kate and Sawyer spend 6 episodes eating fish biscuits. But although I find Evangeline Lilly cute and competent, and Kate's story mildly intriguing, she's not at the top of my list of favorite island dwellers (that group would include Locke, Sawyer, Hurley, Desmond, Juliet, Ben and even newbies Faraday and Miles. And hell, even Jack, as long as he's drunk and bitter Jack, not sanctimonious and know it all assplug Jack). So last night was a bit of a downshift, especially compared to the previous three, but I still enjoyed the hell out of it. (It probably helps that comparatively, just before "Eggtown" I watched Monday's Sarah Connor Chronicles, which was stupefyingly incoherent).

First, we have some "Whodats?" A few familiar faces showed up in "Eggtown." First, there was Kate's lawyer, played by Shawn Doyle, best known as Bill Henrickson's sad sack brother Joey on Big Love. Kate's mother was played again by Beth Broderick, who was Aunt Zelda on Sabrina the Teenage Witch (god help me that I know that). The prosecutor in Kate's case was Susan Gibney, whom I recognized as Dr. Leah Brahms on Star Trek: The Next Generation. (It was also rumored that she was up for the roles of both Captain Janeway and Seven of Nine on Star Trek: Voyager). Finally, there was also the voice of Zoe Bell, (stuntwoman and featured player in Tarantino's Death Proof) who played Regina, the unseen woman on the freighter who answered Charlotte's call when Minkowski wasn't available, and declared "I thought the helicopter was with you!"

Other questions and observations from "Eggtown:"

• Hurley got the line of the night: "You just totally Scooby-Doo'd me, didn't ya."
• "You are not using my son." DunDUNdun. I know there was a suspicion that Kate was pregnant, but I actually forgot about that. But can we assume that her "child" was the person referenced in last season's finale: "HE will be wondering where I am?" Or is it someone else? DunDUNdun!
• Those cool satellite phones? Not real at all.
• So "everyone" thinks the Marshal died in the crash. And not shot by Sawyer and euthanized by Jack.
• "Only eight of us survived the crash." So we know the Oceanic 6 are among the eight, but according to their cover story, who are the other two? And how is it purported that they met their end? Injuries sustained in the crash, or something more nefarious?
• And speaking of the Oceanic 6, we know this includes Jack, Kate, Sayid and Hurley. Does Kate's "son" count as a fifth? And if so, is the sixth the person in the coffin that no one came to see except Jack?
  
• Okay, I keep putting "son" and "child" in quotes, so instead of leaving the big honking reveal for the end, we'll just get right to it. In many ways, that was the awesome and redeeming plot point for the ep in my book. For much of the hour, we were teased by the appearance of Kate's "son." Kate had her "child rearing" moment with Claire at the laundry line, Sawyer and Kate discussed their sexual shenanigans and the possible repercussions, Joey Henrickson wanted her "son" to appear in court: all leading up to our final shot of Kate at home with the youngun. Maybe you, like me, saw the shock of blonde hair and instantly thought Sawyer's boys can swim. And of course, when the tyke called Kate "mommy" and then Kate called him "Aaron," my jaw hit the floor. Well played, Lost. Well played. (And the blonde hair made even more sense! Though I have a strange stirring for "Goth Claire" in the piercing and tattoo parlor, but hair dye shouldn't really transfer into the womb years later).
• "No, not anymore."
• How fucking sad is it for me that I thought Sawyer and Hurley's night of Xanadu, a good book and a big box of Dharma red wine sounds like a splendid time? Of course, I couldn't really suffer through Xanadu, ELO aside, without a big ass box of red wine.
• What is Miles up to? And why $3.2 million? And once again, Ken Leung's line readings are priceless: "it's extortion, if you wanna get technical."
• Why doesn't Jack want to see Aaron? Does he know that the kid is actually his nephew? Does it remind him of something unpleasant? With Claire? He couldn't wind up killing his own sister, could he? Or even worse, banging her? But with Jack and his god complex, it's probably that he couldn't save her, and doesn't want to be reminded.
• Locke's idea of "quiet time" with Miles is amusing.
  
• What was with Farady his card game with Charlotte? Is she testing his memory? Is he seriously fucked up, so much so that he can't remember three cards?

Overall, I would give this one an A- in general, and a solid B compared to the first thee eps which have all been A+. But next week we're back with Desmond, and probably hopping through time! Wheeeee!

Quickies

At the end of this post, I made reference to Andy Umberger, who not only pulled the rare "hat trick" on the Whedon shows, but also popped up as the shrink on last year's best show, Mad Men. Well, there he was Monday night on Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles as the FBI director who was skeptical about the inconsistencies in the "dead plastic surgery dude" case. (And did the whiny, scheming agent who cut the legs out from under show regular Agent Ellison remind anyone else of Isaiah Thomas? He looked like him, and had that same phony smiling, unctuous attitude. Maybe he'll trade 7 future draft picks for a terminator and sign him to a long term, overpriced contract. Of course, that would make too much sense for Isaiah, since a terminator would probably wreak havoc in the low post).

Also, in preparation for tonight's fresh Lost, here's a TV Guide interview with the four new cast members. All hail the extra twitchy Jeremy Davies.

Season Premieres and Entertainment Nuggets

Fall TV season has started, and here are a few initial thoughts:

I watched the premiere of Chuck (one of my "others to watch" recommendations) and was entertained. They didn't exaggerate the "nerd" angle to the annoying degree that the CBS comedy Big Bang Theory did. (I only caught about half of that, and while it elicited a few chuckles, it was far too broad and didn't seem interested in servicing the characters. "Klingon Boggle" made me laugh, though). The central character, Chuck, was likable and it sets up a decent enough premise. Chuck's sister was sweet, and her boyfriend, Captain Awesome, was well, awesome. And it's always good to see Jayne on the TV. I'll watch again.

I finally caught up on the first three episodes of Torchwood. I guess the fact that I watched them all back to back would signal that I'm on board with this English X-Files. Captain Jack isn't quite as devil may care and insouciant as he is on his Doctor Who appearances, but the plots move along nicely and I'm oddly attracted to the main detective despite the Letterman like gap in her teeth.

The returning shows were solid, if not spectacular. Heroes opened up a whole new can of issues for our genetically altered protagonists, but maybe I've fallen prey to overhype. I enjoyed the hour, but wasn't quite as smitten as I was last year. Maybe it was the lackluster season finale. Maybe I'm looking forward to Kristen Bell's appearance or Sylar's return. But the only standout moments in my book were HRG's approach to "manager management" at the copy store and David Anders' drunken turn as Hiro's hero, Kensai.

Shark is still an entertaining procedural, and Kevin Pollak (as the new DA) does sleazy and condescending well. Several Whodats from Sunday's premiere (in addition to Lt. Weinberg): character actor Dakin Matthews was the judge, and I recognized him as the headmaster of Rory's prep school on Gilmore Girls. Arnold Vosloo was the Russian mobster, and is best known as The Mummy. Kevin Alejandro is the new DA, and he was the bad seed brother on Fox's dear, departed Drive.

Bones also had a nice return to the air. It was good to see Patricia Belcher as the fiesty US Attorney, and Zack and Hodgins both had much needed haircuts. Angela's vacations sound fun, too, if a little complicated.

Mandy Moore was fun as a tatooed tart on How I Met Your Mother, where the show was once again stolen by Barney.

The best return I've seen this season was on House. Oh how I've missed your snark, Dr. House. The case was intriguing and I didn't figure it out until the end, which is always nice. But the good doctor had too many great lines to write down. Perhaps the best laugh out loud moment was "Dr. Buffer" suggesting "lupus." I didn't really miss the rest of House's team.

Great News: Mad Men has been renewed for another season!

Sad News: the rumors about Jan and Marcia having a lesbian fling don't appear to be true.

Nude Whodat?

Friday's Monk had our favorite OCD detective visiting a murder scene at a nude beach. It was nice that they had Adrian be a little more unlikable and bigoted in his interactions with the nudists, though he did have an epiphany with Dr. Kroeger and get realistically dressed down by Stottlemeyer.

Familiar Faces:

Alfred Molina was the computer magnate with the home overlooking the nude beach. (Doc Ock! And "Throw me the idol. No time to argue. Throw me idol, I'll throw you the whip.")

Diedrich Bader of Drew Carey Show fame was the nudist suspected of the crime.

Angela Kinsey (The Office's Angela) was the victim's roommate.

Whodats and cheap toys

Thursday's edition ("Ladies Room") of the brilliant Mad Men featured some familiar faces:

Broadway legend Robert Morse played the other half of Sterling Cooper's top dogs, Bertram Cooper.

Roger Sterling's wife was played by Talia Balsam. You might recognize her from playing Malone's ex-wife on Without A Trace. She's also the daughter of actor Martin Balsam (and Joyce Van Patten) and George Clooney's ex-wife. And, she's currently married to actor John Slattery who plays Roger Sterling -- which makes them spouses on and off the camera. Slattery is also currently cast as Gabby's nefarious new husband on Desperate Housewives.

Andy Umberger was the shrink for Don's wife (who helpfully relayed the details of their therapy to Don). Whedon fans will recognize Umberger for having pulled off the "hat trick" of appearing on Firefly, Angel and Buffy. On Firefly, he was the captain of the Dortmunder in the pilot ep; on Angel he was the bizarre doctor Ronald Metzler who could separate his body parts in "I Fall to Pieces;" and on Buffy he was the wonderfully droll master of the vengeance demons, D'Hoffryn.

Yes, the drinking, smoking and Twilight Zone references were there to remind us of the setting for the show. But how awesome was it to not have seatbelts or child safety seats cluttering up the family station wagon? Even better? The kids playing and running around with dry cleaning bags over their heads. Cheap toys are always more fun when they don't have a "suffocation warning" printed on them.

Whodat: The Closer

Monday's Closer ("The Round File") had several familiar faces:

French Stewart was Gary, the third-person speaking real estate agent who claimed to never lie. He's best known as Harry on Third Rock from the Sun.

Kathryn Joosten was the desk manager at the old folks home that killed off their unprofitable patients. Among many other things, she was Mrs. McCluskey (my husband is a popsicle!) on Desperate Housewives and Mrs. Landingham on The West Wing.

Classic game show raconteur Orson Bean played the guy who confessed to multiple killings just to the get police's attention (it worked).

Jonathon Del Arco recurred as the irritable coroner. He had a prominent role as Sofia Lopez on Nip/Tuck, and was the "disconnected" Borg "Hugh" on some thought provoking episodes of Start Trek:TNG.

Summer Lovin'

Remember as a kid, when summer was just the time that the networks showed reruns for months, or occasionally dumped failed pilots? Summer programming has certainly come a long way since then. Especially for "cable." While we still have to put up with an over reliance on insipid reality shows, there are some really good things going on:

On HBO, we have a new season of Entourage. The getting better every single episode Big Love. The bizzare, challenging, yet strangely compelling John From Cincinnati.

On Sci-Fi, Eureka returned this week, and appears to be in fine form. Eureka is a perfect "sci-fi" show for people who don't know what the Prime Directive is or what kind of planet Hoth is. it features clever writing and winning performances from a talented ensemble cast, and shows signs this year of being slightly deeper and slightly darker. Doctor Who has returned also, and Friday's encounter with William Shakespeare was particularly entertaining. Plus, we have Flash Gordon coming up, that could be a fun romp, or another Painkiller Jane. We'll just wait and see.

TNT, of course, has The Closer. I posted about Monday's harrowing and intense episode (and cut off ending. Grrrr) yesterday, but the episode before that, with the "extra" corpse in the coffin and Brenda's encounter with a bridezilla, was completely different in tone, and totally hysterical. Other than the presence of Morena Baccarin, I can't find any reason to give Heartland a chance, so I can't personally say how that one is. But I'm mildly intrigued by Saving Grace, and the promos for The Company certainly make it seem Tivo-worthy.

I didn't know AMC was in the original programming business, but I've read a few good things Mad Men. It seems to have a premise we don't see on television that often, and I'll definitely give it a look-see.

The king of summer programming though, at least in my house, is USA. There's The 4400, which was kind of Heroes before there was a Heroes. But with a darker underbelly, smaller budgets and an increasingly complicated mythology. There's the new show, Burn Notice, which showcases a winning performance from Jeffrey Donovan (who was fantastic in USA's adaptation of a british show, Touching Evil, which was inexplicably not renewed for a second season) and features cult god Bruce Campbell. And Sharon Gless kvetching and chain smoking. Also of note is that Mere Smith, a writer and story editor on Angel, is a producer.

But the best news is the return of the Friday night block of Monk and Psyche. Monk (with whom I have nothing in common. Really) had a great premiere episode, with Sarah Silverman returning as Monk's "biggest fan." There were several amusing bits, including her character, Marci, "naming" Monk's adventures - just like the episode titles, and giving Monk "clue hugs." Her interaction with Natalie, fortunately no longer hiding a real-life pregnancy for the actress, was great. And like Monk, Psyche thrives on wafer thin plots and mysteries that basically serve as a framework for the characters to make with the funny. Psyche's premiere was one of the funniest of the series, with the detectives going undercover at an American Idol clone to find a killer. And is there some type of pineapple in every show? Is this like the watermelon in Buckaroo Banzai?

Whodats:

Christina Cole played one of the witches trying to get William Shakespeare to conjure the end of the world on Doctor Who. I recall her from the first season of another BBC show, Hex.

Tim Curry played the Simon Cowell role, to delicious effect, on Psyche. Gina Gershon was amazing as the drug addled faux Paula on the same show. The episode was also directed by John Landis, responsible for some of the seminal big screen comedies of the 70s and 80s.

Last week's episode of Burn Notice had Mark Pellegrino as the con man. Previously, he was Paul, Rita's dirtbag ex husband on Dexter.

The most fucked up hour of television ever.

I finally got around to catching up with John From Cincinnati, HBO's new "surf noir" drama on Sundays. I set up a season pass for it on the Tivo, knowing only a few things about it. It was HBO's new drama, and those are generally worth checking out. It was created and written by David Milch, of dear, departed Deadwood fame. Summer is generally the time when the new television slate is bankrupt of ideas and plastered with reality stool samples, so new and different things are worth checking out.

That said, I never got around to watching JFC for some reason. Maybe it was Sopranos hangover, maybe it was the ongoing drama in real life. Perhaps it was the perplexing reviews I read that ranged from "brilliant!" to "impenetrable!" to "what the fuck?!" Anyway, I was bored on the 4th and finally started watching. Four hours later, I'm hooked. Though I have to agree with those three quotes. I mean, really:

• A three generation surfing clan.
• Quasi-Shakespearean dialogue laced with colorful vulgarity.
• A mysterious stranger that spouts zen like non-sequiters and repeats whatever he hears. And has "magical pockets" in his pants that produce cash and credit cards. And heals others from fatal injuries. And heals himself.
• Zippy the parrot, who also apparently has healing powers.
• Surfing patriarchs that suddenly start to levitate three feet off the ground.
• Sex that makes you "see god," but without the sex.
• Luke Perry as a scheming, surf marketing mogul.
• A gay lottery winner, apparently the victim of some abuse, who may or may not see ghosts in a specific hotel room, who buys the local surf hotel.
• A sometimes kind hearted Hawaiian heroin dealer and his unbelievably dimwitted sidekick.

If that sounds "wacky," you don't know the half of it. This is without a doubt the most fucked up television series I've ever seen. I still don't know what the hell is going on, but I'm compelled to watch. It has fantastic performances from the entire cast, and of course, the trademark dialogue that dazzles and mystifies from David Milch. But I still cannot fathom exactly what the hell it's all about. There are the obvious religious metaphors, and it certainly has its share of mystical shenanigans. I don't even know how to describe it, other than to say it's a glorious, fascinating trainwreck -- and I mean that in a good way -- of epic proportions.

It's easy to "punish" JFC in the larger context of HBO. It's certainly not a "replacement" for HBO's signature show The Sopranos. Many folks, me included, still hold a grudge that Milch "left" Deadwood to create JFC. But if you take those issues out, you're left with a curious, bewildering yet strongly compelling and brilliantly crafted hour of television.

Yes, I'll miss Tone and Carm, and Bullock and Al. But I'm watching Mitch, John, Butchie and Zippy the parrot, too.

Speaking of Deadwood, JFC has featured some of the actors from that all time great, among others of note.

Whodat:
Garret Dillahunt is Doc Smith, who diagnosed the youngest Yost with a broken neck and brain death, only to see his patient completely healed by a kiss from Zippy. The parrot. Dillahunt played not one, but two, beautifully realized psychopaths on Deadwood (Jack McCall and Francis Wolcott). Last year, he was Matthew on The 4400.
Austin Nichols is the titular John. He also played Morgan Earp on Deadwood.
Dayton Callie is Steady Freddie, the drug dealer. He was stalwart Charlie Utter on Deadwood, and also recently played the adopted father of the miniature killer on CSI: Original Recipe.
Jim Beaver is Vietnam Joe, who found John originally. Beaver played the long suffering Ellsworth on Deadwood.
Stephen Tobolowsky is a lawyer or administrator from the hospital where Smith works, and played Hugo Jarry on Deadwood.

Others on JFC:
Brian Van Holt is the middle Yost, Butchie. I recall him from the Carla Gugino sci-fi show Threshold, where he was a wooden government agent. Here, he's terrific as the drug addled ne'er do well.
Matt Winston is the disturbed new hotel owner. I remember him as the annoying Daniels from Enterprise.
Paul Ben-Victor is Palaka, the dim-bulb sidekick for Freddie. He was the truck driver in recently in Drive, as well as studio head Allen Grey in Entourage.
Willie Garson is the "surf attorney." He's widely known as gay friend Stanford on estrogen/martini fest Sex and the City, but I also recongize him as extraterrestrial/TV and movie producer Martin Lloyd on Stargate SG-1.

The show also prominently features Rebecca DeMornay as the Yost matriarch, Luis Guzman as the hotel manager, and Ed O'Neill as ex-cop and friend of the family Bill. Who owns Zippy the parrot.

Whodat?

On Monday's "action" packed episode of Big Love (which is getting really, really good in its second season), several familiar faces popped up. The perky social worker attempting to liberate the scheming Rhonda from her polygamous lifestyle, and impending child bridehood, was played by Margaret Easley. You may recall that I've mentioned her previously, as she is the chick from the ubiquitous DirectWay commercials. Jim Beaver, the much put upon Ellsworth from the tragically aborted Deadwood, is the owner of the videogame company who wants to sell out.

David Zayas has shown up several places. Zayas is Angel in Dexter regularly, but he's had guest spots recently on The Closer as the ballistics expert that even Tao thought was geeky, and in the fabulous new show Burn Notice as Weston's first "client." Speaking of Burn Notice, this is a great addition to USA's line up. Jeffrey Donovan was the lead in the American remake of Touching Evil, which USA inexplicably killed before it had a chance for a second season, and is fantastic in this. And cult god Bruce Campbell as his boozy, womanizing friend? Perfect!

On Monday's much funnier than usual ep of The Closer, Robert Picardo (ST: Voyager's Doctor, SG-1's Woolsy) played the funeral director with digestive issues.

Whodat?

On Wednesday's season finale of Bones, Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top was (obviously) reprising his role as Angela's dad. Also, the mom of the victim was Roxanne Hart, who I remember many moons ago as the love interest in the first Highlander movie.

24's Karen Hayes (Jayne Atkinson) was the FBI boss on the season finale of Criminal Minds.

I mentioned it previously in my Lost post, but Tracy Middendorf was one of the mysterious inhabitants of the Looking Glass.

Dayton Callie (Charlie Utter from the dear, departed Deadwood) reprised his role as Miniature Killer (foster) dad Ernie Dell on Thursday's CSI: Original Recipe finale. The MK's "real" dad, a fucked up Vegas ventriloquist, was played by Jay Johnson. Sitcom savants know Johnson as "both" Chuck and Bob from the seminal sitcom SOAP.

Sorkin good luck charm Josh Malina unexpectedly showed up on Friday's fun Stargate SG-1 as the only one of the "hostages" to believe in aliens.

Whodat?

On Thursday's CSI: Original Recipe, the delicious Melinda Clarke returned as Lady Heather. Also present, JR Bourne (Martouf from Stargate SG-1) as onetime Heather paramour, and Joe Penny (Jake and the Fatman) as the old west park owner with a strange fascination with roughing up and killing chicks.

Laura Harris showed up on Friday's Stargate Atlantis as the leader of one of the "game's" real life leaders. I remember her as bad-sister Marie Warner on 24. And I always confuse her with Laura Allen, who was on Criminal Minds a couple of weeks ago as one of the humans hunted in the woods by a couple of redneck brothers. She was the annoying Lily on The 4400, and the super-annoying Julia on Dirt. Anyone else always mix these two up?

On Tuesday's "ripped from the headlines" Law and Order: CI, David Cross (analrapist Tobias Funke) was the "almost lawyer" and "maybe husband" of the faux Anna Nicole Smith "starlet" played by movie Buffy, Kristy Swanson.

Speaking of Buffy, there's a good podcast interview with Joss Whedon about the Season 8 comics here.

Whodat?

On Monday's Heroes, Ellen Greene was Sylar's mom. She's a Broadway vet, and probably most recognized as Audrey from the big screen Little Shop of Horrors. John Badham, of Wargames and Saturday Night Fever fame, was the director of the episode.

Michael Shanks, Dr. Daniel Jackson on Stargate SG-1, has been the spy collaborating with the Russians and banging the VP's girlfriend on recent eps of 24.

On last Tuesday's House, Shonda Farr played the chick in for a breast exam when Wilson was hysterically freaked out on uppers House had dosed his coffee with. I recognize her most as April, the fuckbot Warren built in Buffy's "I Was Made to Love You." Coyote Ugly's Piper Perabo was the vegan House is attempting to get jiggy with.

On last week's wacky CSI (and really, hasn't this been the best season of this show?) about alien conspiracy nuts, Ally Sheedy (Breakfast Club!) was "true believer" who bit Greg and beheaded the "serpent queen." Enrico Colantoni (Papa Mars, Galaxy Quest and Just Shoot Me) was the sleazy perp. Julie Hagerty (Airplane!) was his con victim who really, really wanted to believe the serpentine aliens were here on earth, who needed to be beheaded (Paris Hilton's head is still attached, so no "mission accomplished").

On Tuesday's superb return to form for Veronica Mars (why didn't they come back from hiatus with this ep, instead of the PSA about tolerance?), Paul Rudd was the snarkalicious former rock star, Desmond Fellows. Paul, of course, you would recognize from Clueless, Friends and all the Apatow comedies. Also on VM that night was Suzanne Cryer as the Chinese teacher who had a thing for Desmond. I've had a crush on her since she was Ashley on Two Guys and a Girl, and most recently she popped up on Desperate Housewives.

On last night's Bones, Emily Deschanel's father, noted cinematographer Caleb Deschanel, was the ep's director.

Making it rain

Whereby we throw up a bunch of $1 entertainment nuggets onto the stage and see which STDs take them home.

Speaking of STDs, could there be any better news this morning than this? Go Fug Yourself has a funny take on Paris's impending incarceration. Sometimes, it really does appear that Karma works when wonky-eyed manholes get taken down a notch. One down, one to go.

So Lost is (maybe) ending in two years? On one hand, I like that there's a plan in place for an endgame and completion to the story (a la BSG). While the show started slowly in the "pod" of 6 episodes earlier this year, the back end of the season (with the exception of the Jack's tattoos ep) has been superlative. On the other, I hate to see quality scripted television go away for any reason, and probably be replaced by a cheaper alternative like "Macrame with the C-List Stars!" It will be interesting to see how this unfolds.

I thought Thursday's My Name is Earl was typically funny and sweet, though I didn't realize it contained an homage to Rudy. (Oddly, I've seen just about every sports movie under the sun, but somehow missed Rudy). I didn't do the "laugh and sniff" audience participation part of the show, but it was nice to see Billy Gardell, who I've missed since the wonderful Lucky was cancelled before its time.

How great was Shark's season finale? Sebastian's nemesis Wayne Collison returned, only to get put away at the end for a crime he didn't commit. That Shark executed an intricate plan to frame him was spectacular and completely out of left field. And I love that the character of Shark has kept his dark side, working outside the law to get what he knows is justice. More morally ambiguous characterization, a la Dexter. And it appears my worries about DA 7 of 9 going away were unfounded, if Jessica takes Shark's offer to work for him. Personally, I think this will add the drama and conflict within the show, now the roles have been reversed. Whodat: Frequent Guest Star Tracy Middendorf (24, Alias, House, X-Files, one of the three Ziyals on DS9) was Wendy, Wayne's supposed girlfriend. I'll always remember her from the pilot of Angel.

Although I'm sticking to my vow to be spoiler free, I actually read about this potential keffuffle before getting on the wagon. (Don't click the link or swipe the following text if you don't want possible CSI spoilers): Personally, I could care less if Jorja Fox leaves CSI. I've never really cared for the character of Sara (or thought the actress was all that talented or hot), and this will make the second time Fox thinks she's bigger than the rest of the cast and pulls a prima-donna stunt to haggle over salary. I say kill her off and hook Gil up with Lady Heather.

Sawyer strangles Chris Richardson because he was a grey alien who fell from the sky

That headline is kind of a "mash up" of Wednesday night TV viewing. Perhaps I could have come up with a less clunky headline using the "mash up" software (Ableton Live) pimped by Blake Lewis on Idol last night. And I thought he just came up with these beatboxed versions while having a seizure.

American Idol
Chris? Bye. Not sorry to see you go, Timberfake. Perhaps a nice career endorsing Afrin awaits. Phil? I can understand that Phil left, and it's probably for the best. Gaining even more notoriety would mean he might have to appear during the daylight, which we all know is anethma for those afflicted with vampirism. I thought Phil improved solidly since I started watching (I only tune in at the "top 12" stage) and that Lakisha would have been a much better choice to beat it. But hopefully, we'll get rid of her next week, and the world will be as it should for the final 3. And since I never watched all the early crap, packed with backstories and personal life nonsense, I missed out on Phil's unctuous affection for his kid. As TNRLMs readers know, that's not my cup of tea. If I had been subjected to that more during the top 12, I probably wouldn't have appreciated Phil's performances as much.

Other moments of interest:

• I'm starting to appreciate Seacrest more. His Johnny Carson-esque deadpan eyeroll about the lack of "filler" in the show was well done.
• It was also nice to have him sit Jordin down quickly, after last week's two hour torture.
• Bon Jovi's new song was kinda lame. THAT's the song they want to showcase to 30 million people?
• Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son. Alan was the dad on Growing Pains and had an awful late night talk show, when they were giving them out to everyone (Chevy Chase? Magic Johnson?). Robin's mom is Gloria Loring, who composed and sang the theme song to The Facts of Life and played Liz on Days of Our Lives. That's all I can say about Robin's performance, which I fast-forwarded through after hearing about 10 seconds.
• Worries about the "weighting" of votes appear to be unfounded. After 70 million or so on the telethon, it appeared that Tuesday's votes would not have as much impact statistically, somewhat skewing the results. However, Seacrest said they had 135 million total for the two week period, so that seems fair.
• Are those "Idol Challenge" questions for the developmentally disabled?

Next week: "Boogie" music with Barry Gibb? Good lord, I have an unhealthy appreciation for disco. Bring it on.

Bones
Definitely one of the better outings for Bones last night. The only thing missing was a reference to David Bowie's "Man Who Fell to Earth." I think this is one of my favorite procedurals because I simply love all the characters, particularly conspiracy nut Hodgins. His whole "that we know of" bit was priceless, as were several other of his lines:

"Aliens don't wear loafers, people."
"This is harassment. It is illegal to mock people for their fundamental beliefs."
"They are gray, not green. Being that you are half alien yourself, you should know that."

Although, I felt awfully sorry for his proposal to Angela getting shot down again. My kneejerk reaction to this is that Ang is being such a bitch. Why put him through all the machinations? However, after further contemplation, I think she really does love him, and there's some secret she's hiding from Hodgins and us. Maybe she had a secret kid she's trying to figure out how tell him about? (God, I hope not. Please keep my shows as kid-free as possible). Perhaps she had some quickie Vegas marriage long ago to a boyfriend that she never got around to divorcing? I think there's more here than meets the eye.

Other good lines:
"You mean like a death ray, or a space baby?"
"I guess to me right now it looks to me like marriage is having someone that will slap your enemies and then toss their dead bodies out of airplanes."
Plus, there was Zack's expertise on the nature and efficacy of lightsabers. Hee.

Also, Whodats: Agent Pierce! Everyone's favorite Secret Service agent from 24, Glenn Morshower, showed up as one of the former astronauts. (and whatever happened with him and Martha Logan after she stabbed her weaselly ex with a fruit knife? Huh?) And the bitchy space program director was played by Andrea Thompson, best known for NYPD Blue, who also tried to be a CNN Anchor a few years ago.

Lost
Wow. The back part of this season just rocks. Even though I'm going spoiler free, I had deduced that Locke's dad/the "real" Sawyer would meet an untimely end here. Sawyer choking the bastard out with pirate ship chains was fantastic, and former UGA attendee Josh Holloway was mesmerizing throughout. Terry O'Quinn was spectacular as usual. Other notes:

• What is Rousseau going to do with that dynamite? I think we haven't seen the last of it. And how awesome was the whole non-chalance of that scene with Locke and Rosseau?
• Did Locke's presence help Ben heal more quickly? And vice-versa? Or is it just the island in general?
• Remind me never to trust Kate with a secret. What the fuck? Why did she run immediately to tattle to Jack? And did Sayid know she was going to do this when he "trusted" her?
• I can't wait to see the beach confrontation when Sawyer returns with the tape recorder.
• What is the secret "we should tell her" that Jack and Juliet are keeping? Is Juliet a double-agent mole, who is actually working against Ben? And Jack knows this?
• Was Sayid digging something specific when Hurley came up to him?
• Is Richard Alpert sowing seeds of dissent within the Others camp?
• Does the big column that Locke's dad was chained to have anything to do with the four toed statue?
• Glad to see that Sawyer is still pissed about the "bunny trick."

Welcome back, V!

After weeks of broadcasting single moms whoring up it (no thanks, CW. Had enough of that last year), the last place network finally returns quality to the tube with Veronica Mars. Though the plot and themes were a little heavy handed (not all Middle Eastern restaurateurs are terrorists! Underage drinking is bad!), Veronica is consistently one of the most quote-worthy shows this side of House.

First up, some Whodats?

Anthony Azizi, who played the dad/proprietor of Babylon Gardens, has played potential terrorists on two separate days of 24. He was also the history teacher Bree's daughter was banging on Desperate Housewives.

Jack McGee was the bar owner who bought enough raffle tickets to keep Sheriff Lamb off his case (RIP, Lamb). He's best known recently as the Chief on Rescue Me. (And did anyone catch the name of the police department softball team in that photo? "Excessive Force." Hee).

Finally, the graffiti victim who hired V, Carole (Raphaelle) Davis I instantly recognized from the final season Angel episode, "The Girl in Question." She played the head of Wolfram and Hart's Rome branch, with a notorious dislike for gypsies. ("Dirty tricks for dirty people. Like gypsies. (spit!) We will speak of them no more!")

As for the mysteries on this Very Special Episode (cue starburst and "more you know" rainbow), they were decent enough. Basically, the terrorism graffiti was not done by typical redneck bigots, but by the bigoted and undocumented cook who had a hankering for the owner's daughter (who loved a jewish boy! Montagues and Capulets, y'all!). Also, there was underage drinking going on near a college campus (Shock!). Keith writes some citations, and fires most of the deputies when they choose to let boys be boys and get their drink on with fake IDs.

On the interpersonal front, Logan seems to really like Parker and throws her a birthday party. Logan is much, much funnier when he's bitter or organizing bumfights. Parker is still annoying. Adorable Mac is still dating the animal rights nutbag, but gets cozy on the couch (the "social foxhole") with Max, who had his heart broken by a hooker. Dick goes to myspace to find dates (note the plural) for the party, "both eager to meet the Dickster." Even though he quotes The Big Lebowski ("the dude abides"), the gals team up to lock him in the ice machine alcove and ruin his dreams of a threesome. Finally, Wallace scolds V for leading poor Piz on and after she tells him the dreaded "I'm confused, and let's be friends." He finally mans up, plants one on her and makes a dramatic exit. Only to be stopped by the elevator. V catches him, and it would appear that "Pizonica" is on. Except for the fact that VM hasn't yet gotten a fourth season pick up, and even if it does, Chris Lowell is heading over to Grey's Anatomy 2.0: Whining, Betraying and Fucking in a Fertility Clinic.

But despite the civics lesson, the episode brought the quotage:

"He hates hate crimes."
"Keep up, Towelie."
A fantastic Pulp Fiction riff, featuring "say what again" and "check out the big brain on Brett!"
Mac and Logan taking an amusing stroll down teen movie plots.
"It's like I'm dating a young Omar Sharif. Desert Fever."
Fun with bad fake IDs: "This picture is Jon Bon Jovi." "Biggie Smalls? We don't really all look alike, Mr. Mars."

Good luck in the ratings, Veronica!

Whodat? (Shark)

Thursday's Shark had several recognizable faces.

Stacy Edwards played the abducted kid's mom. She's a frequent guest star, but I remember her most for her turn as the "victimized" deaf secretary in Neil LaBute's harrowing In the Company of Men.

Sherri Stringfield of ER fame was the opposing counsel.

Michelle Hurd was the shrink, and she was originally on Law and Order: SVU.

David Zayas was the PI the parents hired to find their missing kid. David is regularly seen as Angel on one of TV's best shows, Dexter.

As for the show itself, it was another enjoyable hour of scenery chewing from the estimable James Woods. But what was up with the daughter's b-plot? Huh? On one hand, I like the daughter because she's a good actress and serves to occasionally humanize the main character, but all this jell-o shooting and hidden weed seems out of character and her explanation for her behavior was just lame.

Even worse, DA Seven of Nine lost her campaign? Does this mean Jeri Ryan is leaving the show? Yikes, I hope not. Maybe the new incoming DA will be killed. Or Jessica will run for mayor.

Whodat, Geekiness and Happy Endings

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Pimp slap? Really?

On last night's Drive:

By showing the "most improvement," Tully gets a chance to "jump ahead." All he has to do is rob a bank and steal a safe deposit box, from a new, state of the art vault. That only has one 6 digit code, and can be hacked by anyone wearing Ralph Lauren. But Tully and Corrinna partner up with Los Hermanos, homes (I keep seeing this written as both "holmes" and "homes," but I think it has more to do with "homeboy" than it does "Sherlock," so I'll go with the "homes"), so that makes it easier (for now) and more fun. For example, we get this exchange:

Winston, being a badass: "Someone even looks like they want to play hero I'll personally pimp slap that twinkle right out of their eye."

Waitress: "Wintergreen chai latte, no foam."

Winston: "That's me."

Priceless.

We also learn that Tully's 1972 Challenger (which has some characteristics of a 1970) also has the upgraded engine, a 426 hemi.

Ivy is still annoying, and strangely hot. And oh, she can't drive, either. And here's one more tidbit for ya: the actress playing Ivy is Peyton Manning's cousin. Seriously.

Speaking of Peyton, the almighty turned his attention from delivering a Super Bowl title to Peyton's bigoted coach to tell Susan that she was gonna win the race. "Mysterious ways" indeed, as she got smashed to pieces in a well shot and harrowing t-bone. Guess she shouldn't have complained about giving her phone back to Mr. Bright. Or maybe it was complaining about her hamburger. ("Doublemeat!" Has to be a Buffy shout-out!)

In other race developments, Wendy is still a little crazy. Rob is a little more sympathetic. And despite her wonderful ass, Ellie still bugs in a major way.

The clue? Figured that one out right off the bat, too.

Whodat? The bank manager was played by actor and stand up comic Rick Overton, who has played small roles in Lost and Alias, and was also "The Drake" on Seinfeld.

Finally, no ratings info yet today, but there's this tidbit from Kristin at E!:

"When I recently interviewed Tim Minear, even he told me, "I'm a little bit like the characters in the race. The powers that be don't tell me anything, but they make me do things against my will." Jokes aside, he noted that Drive has gotten a huge marketing push from the network, and Peter Liguori has been very supportive, so I think there's a good chance Fox will give Drive a chance to shift into a higher gear!"

They raided my garage!

Another outstanding episode of Drive last night. I'll be on pins and needles this morning, awaiting the ratings reports to see if this addicting new show will actually get to complete the 13 episode run. (Alarming news -- they haven't actually shot all 13 eps yet -- so if Minear and company get the usual FOX axe, we might not see how the season plays out, even on the web or on DVD).

But enough bad thoughts.

With the exception of the soldier's annoying wife, I'm really getting into each of the characters, even ones I thought I would be bored with like dying dad and his sassy Lohan-wannabe daughter. But last night's big revelation was that Alex Tully, landscaper from Nebraska, isn't quite was what we thought he was. "You don't want to meet the real Alex Tully." (any other Browncoats immediately think of "War Stories?" Yep, I know you did). The "cop" interrogating Tully was played by Micheal Bowen, recently seen as Pickett on Lost, so he should know something about mysterious organizations and shady motives.

(I'm staying spoiler-free for this show, so my guess about the cop - and others "helping" our wacky racers? They are members of a syndicate that is wagering significant money on various contest entrants, and can perform acts of "aid" to their chosen driver).

Even better was the appearance of Tully's "first love," a badass 1972 Dodge Challenger. When I saw that, I immediately texted my long-time friend Chip, as Alex Tully and I have something in common that he would remember. See, my "first love" was also a badass 1972 Dodge Challenger! (mine was hemi-red, not black, and did not have a secret compartment with a hunting knife, though). I was perusing the Drive boards over on TWOP, and in one of the threads about the cars themselves, people were falling in love with the Challenger, and also asking about how it compares to some of the other vehicles, particularly the Trans-Am. What a coinky-dink! I also had a Trans-Am! If you're interested in seeing my thoughts on this, check here.

Actually, I've driven several of the cars we've seen thus far. I've had a Taurus (dying dad) several times as rental car, and yes, they do rattle like hell anytime you approach 80. But I have given it the "rental car fun" test, and it holds up pretty well hitting speed bumps at full speed and when you pull up the emergency brake going 30 or 40 in a parking lot. Shamefully, I've also driven a Dodge minivan (under duress, mind you), and don't hold out hope that this is the vehicle to beat on the open road. (Although I would feel much more comfortable in Crazy Wendy's minivan than the one I was in, as I don't think Wendy has been like Janice Soprano under the boardwalk times 100, and wouldn't have to wear a hazmat suit riding along).

For a stroll down memory lane, here are a few pics I dug out of the family archives of the classic cars in question (ignore the skinny guy with the bad 80s hair):




If Drive breaks out a VW Jetta or BMW X-5, I might have go personally petition FOX to keep this show on the air, or at least demand some compensation as an "automotive consultant."

Rev it up, and the wheels fall off. Plus, I'd be a great partner.

First, the good news. Last night's Drive kicked all sorts of ass content and quality wise, as I expected it would. Mystery, intrigue, action, seamless CGI combined with great driving stunts, interesting characters, compelling performances, tight scripting. Now the bad news. The ratings were awful. Despite being well-reviewed and FOX actually doing effective promotion for once, it drew only a 3.7/6. We'll see how it does on its regular tonight paired with 24, but to stick around, I would think it would have to come close to the number Prison Break was putting up. (Why didn't they launch this after Idol?)

Ah well. That's the bitter fruit that comes with falling in love with a Tim Minear show. (Really, he should try HBO, Showtime or maybe FX next time out). Speaking of Minear, there were lots of connections to the Whedonverse last night, aside from our erstwhile Captain Mal:

The detective in the beginning was Richard Brooks (Jubal Early from Firefly).
The waitress was Beth Grant (Phantom Dennis' mom on Angel, and she also had a guest shot on Wonderfalls).
The mom's "fake husband" was Patrick Fischler, who was the conspiracy theorist shop owner on "The Magic Bullet" ep of Angel.
Tully's wife was Amy Acker, Fred from Angel. The voice of Tully's sister was Katie Finneran, chain-smoking her way through both The Inside and Wonderfalls.

And though he doesn't have a Whedonverse connection, it was also nice to see Paul Ben-Victor as the seemingly helpful trucker. Most recently, he's played the studio head with a grudge against Vince on Entourage, Allen Grey. And was that Shirley Feeney with minivan mom's kid?

Other random thoughts:
Remix of "Roadhouse Blues?" Good. Remix of the greatest driving song of all time, "Radar Love?" Not so much.

Good Lines:
“How do you cheat in a game that has no rules?”
“I don’t know. I missed the orientation.”

"I think maybe I should have shot you."

"Mr. Tully, the PowerPoint is put away..."

So, I'm looking forward to tonight, and keeping my fingers crossed for better ratings.

Why I should (or should not) compete in Drive:

Except for the getting killed and/or blackmailed part, I think I would be (mostly) awesome at this game. Though what could they do, kidnap my cats?

Plus:

• I have a fast, reliable, versatile vehicle that would work both on road and off.
• Blackberries are better for sorting out clues than regular cell phones.
• I'm an excellent driver, the faster the better.
• I'm great at puzzles and word games.
• I hate to lose.
• I have no qualms about killing people I find annoying.
• I'm timely, and wouldn't have missed the PowerPoint presentation.

Minus:

• I have absolutely no sense of geography or direction, and get lost frequently.
• I rarely panic and always keep my head in a crisis. Except when I get lost, which makes me completely freak the fuck out.
• I have a tiny bladder, and have to pull over to pee a lot. And I'm not doing a "crazy astronaut lady diaper."
• Did I mention the sense of direction? Because I'm sensing that's important here.

So solo, I think I'd still be in the hotel parking lot, getting shot or hit with a shovel. But if I had a partner that can read a map and has a good sense of direction (and preferably looks like Kristin Lehman), I could win this thing. And get my cats back.